Friday, 23 January 2009

  • Talking About Having More Kids, When the Guy Says "No"

    Guest post submitted by BugCatcher

    Talking About Having More Children

    I came across this article while searching for ways to bring up having more children with my husband. I agree with a lot of the statements in it as well as some of the comments. I really would like to have a few more children or at least one more not only for me but for our son as well.

    In the article, most of the statements are from women who say it's unfair for a man to not want anymore children. They do not mean it is unfair to the child they already have, they say it's unfair to themselves, the mother, who have wanted x gender/amount of children since they were young. I think that is ridiculous. 

    If my husband were set against it I would back down and I would tell him I wasn't happy with his decision but I wouldn't go telling him that it was unfair like I was a 12 year old at recess. This quote is from a guy with whom I sympathize with because I believe he is justified in not wanting anymore children.

    The view from a guy – Orwell:

    “…just wanted to add: I am super involved in both my daughter’s lives. I’m the one who gets up with them every morning at six, makes their breakfasts, drives them to school, etc. My wife still has insomnia and hip/back problems from the second child (who is 2 1/2). Every pregnancy has been hard and the recovery for my wife afterwards has been grueling. Our second daughter only slept in 1-2 hour bursts from the time she was 4 months to 2 years old. We were emotionally and physically exhausted every single day. I went into a deep depression after my second daughter was born. My wife still resents me for that (even though I got up every day and took care of the kids, did my work, worked on the house, volunteered at church, etc.) She had to live under a dark cloud of my depression.

    But part of the depression was triggered by the fact that RIGHT after the birth of our second child, she immediately started talking about having a third one! (One way or the other, I am getting a vasectomy.) I feel trapped in an endless cycle of work & childcare. Plus, she is talking about wanting to move cities again, how unhappy she is, etc. I don’t respect men who deny their wives the chance to have one child to love… but women: We aren’t all callous, selfish louts. I was scared of having the first child (and the second one.) We’ve sorta maybe overcome some hurdles, but at some point, aren’t my fears justified? “

    I believe he is entirely justified in his fears. He deserves to be listened to by his wife. But then there is another occurrence in the article that I don't think the guy was justified in what he said.
    “I have been with a man for 9 years and we have 3 boys. I really wanted to have a 4th child but I had the desicion forced on me!! I asked him only one more time before he went for his appointment and you know what he said the me?? ” I don't give a f*ck I don't want anymore brats running around the house. So f*ck off!”
    There are more mature ways to express yourself than that. Even if your wife were pestering you repeatedly (as I am sure she was).

    But I agree with the fact that the article says that sometimes the decision might end in divorce. My aunt and uncle almost got divorced over it because my uncle got a vasectomy before they found out that my cousin was a girl (that was what my aunt kept trying for). Her only argument was what would have happened if it was a boy? His response? "Then we would have three wonderful sons."

    I guess what I am trying to say is there is no point pushing another person's buttons for the sake of you needing to fulfill a childhood fantasy of yours. Have children because you and your husband/significant other want them. Do not have them just to become that "perfect family" you drew in your diary at age twelve.
     
    Neither my husband or I wanted kids but now that we have one we are rethinking our mindsets on the situation. We would like our little bug to have someone that looks up to him and that he can play with. We want his life to be fulfilled with someone who will be there for him when my husband and I pass on, someone to share the old times with, someone who could be a constant friend.

    How did you and your significant other talk about having more children or not having more children? Was it a mutual decision or did one person feel more strongly about it?

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Comments (17)

  • IamKelleyK@xanga

    I think it's tacky for any woman to bad-mouth her husband behind his back anyway, for whatever reason.  When kids are involved though, a happy mom and dad will make a happy household.  It's not fair to bring children into a rotten situation where mom and dad resent each other and don't get along.  If a man doesn't want more kids at the time, there is usually a reason for it, and they need to talk it out.  But stomping your foot, and whining and crying about how "unfair" it is that you can't have your way....I'd expect that behavior from a 5 year old, not a grown woman.


    My husband and I do want another baby.  But not yet.  We're not quite on the same page as to when, but we're open to hearing what the other thinks about it.  We'll figure it out though.  But he's my husband and I respect him, and I'm not going to do anything to make him feel uncomfortable or unwanted in his own home.
  • SerenaDante@xanga

    I'm not yet married, but my boyfriend and I have definitely talked about children.


    I don't want children. I'm scared to death of first, having to go through pregnancy - and second, having to go through 18 emotional years of their life before they're sent off to college. I know if my children are anything like me, I'll be constantly pissed off at them lol. I think it's only responsible of me to say that I shouldn't have children so that I don't put them through any misery - or myself, for that matter.


    My boyfriend, on the other hand, wants at least two children. I guess if it ever comes to that point, we'll discuss it more detail... But for now, we've agreed to disagree.
  • TornadoChaser

    When I was pregnant with our oldest, we agreed that two was ideal but we would try for a third if we had two boys. Three was my limit regardless.

    Then after our second son was born, I was very against having another child. I love having babies around but I had no urge to repeat it a third time. He understood my point and respected me enough not to push anything on me that I didn't want. My husband still wanted a daughter. We talked it about it for a year, weighting pros and cons and what if we change our minds later. We decided together that two children was the best for our family and the goals we had in life. He got a vasectomy and I got a surprise pregnancy a few weeks later. Fun! I ended up with three boys after all.

    I fully believe that the decision should always go to the one who doesn't want any more, if there is no mutual agreement. Bringing a child into the world under those circumstances is extremely unfair to everyone.

  • christygraves@xanga

    @IamKelleyK@xanga - I definitely agree with it being "tacky" to bad-mouth your husband.  What kind of tone does that set for your relationship?  You should be as supportive of each other as possible.

    Anyway, my main concern with all of this "she wants more children, he doesn't" issue is that this should have been resolved BEFORE marriage.  I realize that sometimes your feelings change, but then they should be discussed in an adult fashion. 

    And honestly, when it comes down to it, if the partners don't agree, they should not have more children.  It is not fair to bring a child into this world if he will be resented by one of his parents.
  • Traci_Ladd@xanga

    Before we were married, my husband and I always said that four would be the minimum. We both wanted a big family! But I've had two pregnancies riddled with preeclampsia problems and my husband is scared to try for the third baby now. I understand that and at the same time I still desperately want a big family. I'm totally willing to go through a difficult pregnancy to get it but for now my husband isn't.


    Part of me doesn't feel that it's fair because I've given and sacrificed a whole lot to help his dreams come true. But I know that's just me being selfish and that we are in this together. I'm just hoping we can get on the same page when it comes to expanding our family or not.
  • greenwoman@xanga

    When I met my husband he already had a one going on two year old son. After we had our daughter we both talked about where we stood on having more kids. I wanted one more and he wasn't sure. Either way it wasn't the right time so we had time to think about it.
    We got pregnant by suprise in October. It was a very tough time in our relationship and I had been praying a lot for some sort of direction. When I found out I was pregnant in a way it was like and answer to our prayers.
    My husband who wasn't sure if he wanted more kids is more excited about having this baby than I am and keeps talking about having a 4th after this. Haha now I don't want any more after this and he wants one more.


    Either way God will do what is right for us.
  • Amarisa@xanga

    The "ideal" situation that people formulate seems pointless, especially if that ideal is formed before they even have kids!  Just take it one at a time.
  • TashaDW_18@xanga

    We have two, a boy and a girl.  We've discussed having a third but haven't really come to any conclusions.  My husband doesn't really want a third - he'd go get a vasectomy tomorrow if I said okay - but he is open to the idea if it's what I really want.  I've been thinking lately that I really want a third but we can't even kind of afford another baby right now and I'm not sure I want too many years between the two I have now and the third one....


    So...it's still in discussion but we'll come to an agreement sometime and either have another or not - but neither of us will force the decision upon the other.
  • Gunnermom@xanga

    well for us it has always been my choice, we had three wonderful boys, then I was done it was fine and things were good, then my husband came to me and asked if I would consider trying one last time so he could have a daughter someone to look at him like he is a super hero, be his little munchkin!  I thought about it for a few months then just stoped using protection and she came aabout 10 months after that!  Baby number five was a complete surprize, I really did not want to have number five but now that she is here I wouldn't trade her for the world.  So now that everyone has a sister and everyone has a brother we are DONE----he does not want to have naymore and I am more than done so it was our choice.
  • averyswife@xanga

    Since my husband is one of those who would be happy with one kid or ten, I don't really understand men who are so set against more than one or two kids.  Except in the case of the first commenter you quoted, I totally understand that.  I wonder if that's not truly the case deep down with many other men? 


    My husband loves taking care of our daughter and helping me with her, but I would never expect or demand that from him.  I am the mother, and I strongly believe that the task of child-raising falls firmly on me (especially since I'm a SAHM).  So when our daughter was an infant, I never once woke him in the middle of the night to help with a feeding.  (Why should I?  I was nursing, I wake up easier than he does, and he had to go to work in the morning and I didn't.)  He was very grateful for this and there was absolutely no resentment present after our baby's birth.  I think this whole idea of dads being required to handle 50% of baby care is bull.  Especially if the mom isn't working...if she's working full time and so is he, obviously things have to give.


    I also wonder if women are neglecting their wifely duties in pursuit of their mommy duties.  This might make a man hesitant to have more children as well.  Ladies, most of you were wives before you were moms, so don't forget your husbands in your effort to be "super mom."  I've always found that if my marriage relationship was in a good place, mommyhood came much easier and my husband was much more willing to lend a hand.


    I guess my whole point is this: if your husband is putting his foot down about having more kids, first examine your own behavior before condemning his.  See if you can't show him that life won't be that much harder with another child and you won't neglect him just because there's another munchkin running around the house.  If he still won't budge and it seems to just be stubborness on his part, just hope and pray that he will come around eventually, and in the meantime be the best wife and mom you can be.  Bitterness and resentment will only cause the situation to get worse.
  • filtered_sunlight@xanga

    I agree with the people that have said, "Uh, perhaps this is something you should have talked about BEFORE getting married or starting to have children together??" For some, it does change if there was a difficult pregnancy or what have you, but I think the bulk of the time, people are pretty set in their ways and have their own ideals on what their life should be going into a relationship.

  • Traci_Ladd@xanga

    @MlleBaroque@xanga - I think you offered some great advice. That is what I've been trying to do...especially not becoming resentful that my husband doesn't want what I want right now. I'm just trying to be a good wife to him and praying that God will settle this matter in both of our hearts, one way or the other.
  • lilbit@xanga

    I am getting remarried next month and for me it was an ongoig discussion with the fiance to have or not to have another baby after we get married. I always knew that I did not want my son to be the only baby I ever have but life deals us an odd set or everchanging cards.


    My decisions in life brought me to where I am now. Healthy son, great job, wonderful fiance and I'm happy. Not just content. I'm happy. He has a son who is 14 and my son is 7. We have discussed it off and on and I'm not content with the comment he makes when we discuss the option of kids and he says "If it happens it happens."


    I disagree simply for the fact that my body isn't like everyone else's and unfortunately a pregnancy would have to be finessed by doctors. I realize that it takes the romance out of it but my body has been through alot given that I am only 33. My grandmother went through menopause at 35 so the clock's a tickin.


    I see my sister in law planning her second pregnancy with an open heart and it makes me sad. I'm hurt that I may not have another baby. I really would love to bring home a new son or daughter. I don't want to spend my days playing with my brother's babies and not have anymore of my own.


    I'm very torn. I see my fiance's point of view and even he has said he always felt no more kids and he's coming around to the idea. He loves babies and plays with my new nephew whenever I have him to watch. Nothing in life is an absolute. I'm just waiting and praying things fall into place.

  • Romans_837@xanga

    My wife and I, while engaged, talked about it once or twice, and said that four was a good number.  (We already had a daughter at that point.) 

    While she was pregnant with our third (the tie-breaker), we asked each other if we were done.  No.

    However, after the birth of the third (a girl), we had a miscarriage, and then she got pregnant right away.  At that point, we decided that the fourth would be the last, boy or girl.  (Since my wife had c-sections with all of them, we asked our doctor to do a tubal, (as long as the dr was already cutting-and-stitching in there))
  • sidewayslife@xanga

    I think the best thing to do is take it one at a time ... see how you feel after the most recent addition is a year or more old. Anytime before that and you are likely to make a decision that is not based on 'normal' emotions since that first year can be very overwhelming. Of course, that is if you are kind of on the fence about having more or not. It has been kind of funny with us that way. My husband will say "this is the last one" while I am pregnant and I ask him to wait and we'll discuss it at a later time and when we do talk about it, his mind has changed. And he has always been excited about the pregnancies and babies. 

    @christygraves@xanga and @filtered_sunlight@xanga - Discussing the matter before marriage is a good idea ... but things can change. Before we got married, I didn't want a bunch of kids and my hubby wanted at least 4 or 5. After we had our second, hubby said he wanted to be done and I was all ready to just keep going and have another baby every couple years. Total flip flop there. Yes, you can talk about it before marriage, but this is one area where you can't know for sure how you will feel about it until you actually have a baby. 
    Currently, #4 is 'in the oven' and he hits me (in a playful manner) anytime I mention having another one (which I do now just to give him a hard time). 
  • lilmizzie27@xanga

    I just gave birth to our fist child 3 weeks ago. My entire pregnancy was basically a sick-fest ... or a 9 month viral stomach bug. I was sick the whole time and gave my boyfriend turned hubby a horrible time. I was mean to him, among other things, I scared him half to death with all of the complications I was dealing with. Usually, anytime I mentioned having another, he'd yell out a "No!" without any explanations or desires to discuss it furthermore.

    Now however, since Bella was born ... I've gotten him to come around and say "Maybe" ... some men aren't saying no just because they don't want to deal with another child, some men are simply terrified for what YOUR body has to go through. It's not all a selfish thing. My hubby didn't want to see me pass out again, or possibly have a blood transfusion due to low iron at birth, or hear me rush to the bathroom again to throw up because of my hyperemesis. He was tired of me getting dizzy and lightheaded because of my anemia and he was worried we'd have another scare with doctors saying that our baby was at a high risk for Down's Syndrome ...

    So, ladies --- it's not always about what he wants, it could be about what he thinks is best for you ... no matter what you want. :)
  • anonymous

    I have a beutiful 1 yr old and desperately want her to have a sibling...\esp since we are older parents...would be nice for her to have someone later in life... well the possibility...I know not all siblings dont get along. My partner is adament he doesnt want another... all about finance and his own hopes.  so sad for me as I feel like I dont matter

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