Wednesday, 21 January 2009
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Ongoing Struggle with My Stepson- I Lost it Today...
by Mama Pig 
Yes, I totally lost it today. Well, that isn't exactly true. I raised my voice today, but I had a darn good reason.My husband had a distant relative pass away on Sunday and we decided last night that since the services fell on his day off that it would be appropriate for him to attend. The services are about five hours away so he was going to be gone overnight. No biggie- I'm alone with the kids most days and nights anyway, so I wasn't overly concerned.
Hubby sat down with Josh last night and told him in pretty clear terms that his behavior was expected to be at top level. There are a couple of activities coming up that Josh really wants to attend and Hubby let him know that his behavior over these two days would be the deciding factor. Things had really been mellow for a few days, so I really was looking forward to a quiet evening.
Yeah, yet again, that didn't happen.
Without going into the whole boring story; let me just say that Josh began to act out almost immediately. When I began to get on him for it he hurled his backpack across the back of the car...while I was driving. Yeah, I pulled over and called my husband. Josh is in the backseat screaming the entire time and it just got worse. By the time we had reached home I had already decided he would remain in his room for homework instead of sitting out at the table with the other kids.
He slammed doors, he threw things, I called Hubby...AGAIN.
I finally had my feel and went into his room. I stood right in front of him and again tried talking calmly about the situation. He screamed at me for about two full minutes before the calmness left my body. I raised my voice and told him in no uncertain terms that we were done with this. I was the parental figure in this house and that I was not going to take his mouth any longer. He had two choices at this point. He could sit his butt down and do his homework or I would call his mother and have her come pick him up until his dad got home. He sat down and did his homework.
I am not happy that I had to get to that point and raise my voice. My insides are knotted and my hands are shaking. I am not optimistic that this will be the turning point because even now Josh is behaving in an inappropriate manner, but I know that for me; this is it.
Hubby will be home tomorrow evening and we are going to head out and have a serious discussion about what our next steps should be. He hasn't been the most supportive in this situation at times and that has left Josh feeling that he is allowed to do this type of thing. The very first thing that must be done is that Hubby needs to decide if he is going to support me or continue to work against me.
I'm now heading to take a nice hot bath and try and re-center myself. While I am not pleased that I had to raise my voice, I know that sometimes that is the only way I will get heard.
I will not allow this to set me back. I am strong and I am a good mom; I don't care what Josh says.
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About the Author
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- From: mamapig
- Name: mamapig
- About Me: Hello everyone. I am Mama Pig. I am a very busy mom of eight children. Five by birth and three my marriage. While it is a busy life, it is one I wouldn't change for the world. Our oldest is 18 and will be graduating in May. We are even in the boys/girls department with four each. Two just turned 14, two just turned 12, one will be 10 this year, and the babies are 4 and 2. There are no twins in the mix, just step siblings that happen to be close in age. You will read alot about Down syndrome when you read my blog. Our youngest daughter was born with Down syndrome as well as a congenital heart defect. These are two issues I am extremely passionate about. I just resumed classes at the local community college. My goal is to someday reach law school with the hopes of focusing on family law.
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Comments (43)
Wow, I feel awful for all three of you. Clearly there is something Josh needs from you both as parents, but being a child ha cannot articulate it to you. If it were only that easy. Plus there is the factor of the 7 siblings. I really don't have any experience with anything like this.
Maybe you could spend a certain amount of Josh and You only time a week, where you two do an activity together that he would like? Maybe just an hour or two, like a walk or play in the park, a special lunch, or trip to the library? That's the only thing I can think of. I hope things begin to improve soon, it has to be stressful for all of you.
Oh my goodness. Do NOT beat yourself up over this! It was the same growing up in my home. Kids do these things to test step-parents and Josh certainly did not win this war. Stay strong, and yes, you are a good mom. You just need to have a sit-down with your hubby to wort things out.
Best Wishes for a Happy Home!
From everything I have read on here (your blog entries) I agree, you are a good mom. A person can only take so much. It is hard for me to imagine the kind of disrespect your stepson is showing you. The father of my first 4 children remarried and they have had to deal with a "stepmother" (I put it in quotes because she really has not been any kind of mother to them), who has shouted at them and been very unkind. One time even saying that she hated one of my daughters because she thought the college she chose to go to was too expensive and it mad her angry. Even with dealing with that, as far as I know, they have never disrespected her. Been angry with her yes, but they never disrespected her. Even if he doesn't "like" you, or the situation, he has no right to disrespect you, and your husband should be enforcing some discipline on that young man. He is only going to get worse as he gets older, much worse! All I am saying is not news to you, I know, but I just wanted to assure you, in some small way that you are doing an awesome job in the situation you find yourself in.
Blessings
Karen
You did the right thing. You didn't spank him. You were just stern and he needs to respect you. Maybe you're not "Mom" to him but you are still a caregiver and parental figure.
Get some family therapy. It should just be you and your husband first, to address your issues with him. Then, when the therapist thinks you guys are ready, Josh can start coming too. Enough is enough from this little brat already.
Man. I hope things get so much better. I know you deserve a break from this kid. He definitely sounds like he is going to just be trouble all around until he moves out, possibly.
Good luck with all of this and I so hope that the hubby decides to start letting you be the mom and let you take charge & stand behind you 100%.
I keep reading your entries and I really feel bad for you. I hope things get better, and I think you're doing a great job as a mom. Hang in there!
I have to say that I don't feel like you should have called your husband.
He was already on his way to a funeral/memorial service; what was the point in adding to his unhappiness if he was too far away to do anything?
Also, by calling your husband in front of Josh, you're not setting yourself up as an equal adult to be listened to. If I was the child, I would think that you were unable to handle discipline issues on your own and would manipulate that.
I hope that things improve in your family!
It definitely sounds like he's testing his limits. Hope you and your husband can unite over this. Stay strong!
wow.
sounds like he knows what buttons he can push...and he's not afraid to push them...and try to find more in the process...
Don't let it bother you TOO much though. I was a pretty horrid brat towards my parents for a few years. Love them now, they love me (not that they stopped =P), but yeah. Mainly it was that I was angry and frustrated, and I didnt know WHY, so I couldn't TELL them when they asked me, which only made THEM sad and frustrated, which in turn would make ME more frustrated...and then when you're in that mood, anything can set it off =P
Know that it might not even be you =) He just knows that you have to love him not matter what. I remember getting pretty nasty at my parents, for the TINIEST things, because school wasn't going well....
You did a good job in my opinion but I'm no child expert. Lucky you was his step mom. my mom believes in whippings, yeah she's old school so we would have gotten slapped or beaten but we all turned out great so..I don't know. He's lucky he has you though.
You done a really good job, really. I probably would have ended up reacting far worse. Your husband seems to not even want to realize how his son is acting, so that has to be making things a thousand times worse. I do hope you guys find something that works to cool this stepson of yours down.
Raising your voice does not make you a bad person, so PLEASE stop beating yourself up over it. He was out of control, he would not listen, and you needed to make yourself heard.
Now, being a bad person would have meant striking him in complete anger...or even beating him. Since you didn't do either, please stop beating yourself up over this. You are human...human's have voices that can be raised for reasons such as these...
You handle that situation with decorum and care for the situation. If you had to raise your voice to be heard so be it. You did a good job of dealing with it and Josh.
to be honest, you may have needed to put him in his place.
He needs to know that your are equal to his father, and he must respect you.
i do not think you are a bad mom.. a bad mom would have been name calling, throwing things, and generally imitating his terrible behaviour.
I worry that I am going to have to face similar situations as a foster mum ("you're not my mom" and all of that) and I want to thank you for showing me that there is hope, and a good way to handle things.
That's exactly what children need. To know that the adult is, well, the adult. If I had ever raised my voice to my father, well, let's just say that I would not be posting this comment right now.
Good job letting him know who the authority figure is.
i think i can relate in the sense that i have a frd like that. her dad died on her 7th birthday ( i know)...and her mum has been dating this guy for 2-3 yrs and they're living together and all.
she doesnt like him...she feels no one can replace her dad (understandable), even when this new guy isn't trying anything. her mum and her keeps having arguements over her behaviour towards this guy. truth is, my frd is tyring to be nice to him and they're just not taking it the right way. (and i am not biased here)
i think ur step-son is just probably doing this to get his parents' attention. he doesn't like his parents being apart and esp not when his dad is now with you. which means they can't be back together.
i'm sure u r all torn in between making up and just wanting to leave the situation. but i feel ur hubby needs to make it clear where the line is for his son...esp when he's not there and he needs to obey u. and let him know, he doesnt have to call u 'mum'....it might lift up the pressure off the little boy.
more importantly, ur hubby and u need to sit down and work out a system on how to deal with it...cos it's just going to get worse if the problem is not resolved.
let the little boy know u love him just as if he's ur own, though u know he doesnt have to or should replace his mum at all. u just want to be his frd.
hope it works out
All I can say is good luck with him. Although I don't have kids of my own, I do remember throwing tantrums like that myself when I was younger, and I can only imagine how my mother must have felt (and later, my step-father).
I wonder about the relationship between him and his biological mother, though. Deciding to do homework over seeing her I think really says something about their relationship, and yours as well.
Kids are difficult.. Don't give up, and don't beat yourself up either. You're doing all that you can, and that's good enough.
You didn't do anything wrong. Sometimes it is necessary adjust your volume level to get the child's attention.
You are not a screaming maniac. You weren't verbally abusive- you didn't call him names or slap him with random household objects. You simply made yourself clear.
I commend you for your compassion and your desire to keep your home peaceful. Please do not allow this to make you feel unsure. Once again- you did the right thing.
Well Ima guess that by what I've read you're not doing anything wrong.
But I have to wonder how no matter what people are writing, they always write about "Oh yea I was doing everything I could. I swear I did nothing wrong!"
Kinda hard to believe. I'm just gonna go out on a limb here and suppose maybe you did, or are doing, something wrong and you (being human) don't even think about it.
I understand your frustration, I really do. In families that are linked by step-kids or step-parents, sensitivity is required on both parties. It certainly doesn't help when your husband doesn't always stand strong with you in regards to the actions taken for your son's behavior. Your husband probably still feels bad that his son doesn't have both him and his natural mother. What your son should be taught to understand is that you love him and that you will treat him as your son and that all authority is from you and your husband. I wonder if it would be possible to go out on a family date, just you, your husband, and your son. Then, as time passes, and you say that some evenings you're alone with the kids anyway, make a big show of hiring a babysitter for the other kids and take your son out to his favorite store or take him out for some ice cream. If it works, it'll do wonders for your entire family! But you already know that.
You're right, conversation is needed in this case. I'm hoping the best of outcome for you. =) Best wishes!
I really have to applaud you on a job well done. Your situation is unique because you are not Josh's mother, and although YOU want to be a good stepmom and treat him with respect, HE will manipulate you to get what he wants. My half-brothers did this to my father when they were young (around 8 &10). He disciplined them but ended up being the "bad guy" because he overstepped his bounds as the step-father. You on the other hand, have not overstepped your bounds. You did what was necessary to regain control of the situation, and you shouldn't feel guilty in the LEAST! Don't underestimate how manipulative children can be, that boy knows what he is doing and he thinks he can get away with it...until you hold your ground.
Absolutely you are a good mom. I don't know you, but I know what it takes to decide to raise another woman's child, particularly when there are discipline issues involved. It's certainly not something any of us would take on because it sounds like so much fun. I'll say a little prayer this evening that everything goes well.
Dont beat yourself up over it. I was like that with my stepmother in my youth and now, that Im older and am a mother myself I realize that most of what she did was done in my best interest. He's young and stupid(sorry to be blunt but he thinks,at that age most kids to,that he knows all). Dont beat yourself up over it:)
Aww :\ I hope you feel better. I think it was perfectly fine to yell at him. If that was me I would have smacked him across the face pretty hard, but I have a bad temper. He really deserved that, and even if he didnt want to take you as a parent he could at least have expect you as a caretaker, or even just an adult. What he did was rude and disgraceful. Don't let him do that to you, ever.