Sunday, 18 January 2009
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My Son Has Autism but Autism Doesn't Have Him
by Mama Elephant
Recent studies have shown that people with Autism lack empathy. Now I am all for research studies into Autism Spectrum Disorder but sometimes I feel like they create and perpetuate stereotypes. They can also be very discouraging for parents. Oddly, research indicating strengths and positive aspects of this baffling and expensive disorder is in short supply. I digress.Four years ago, I was going through a very difficult time. My husband and I were separated and everything was upside down. Despite my greatest efforts, Junior came upon me crying one afternoon. He sat next to me, put his hand on my back and patted. Then he looked right at me and said, "It is okay, Mommy. I love you." He knew I was sad and he wanted to help me feel better. I had to wipe my tears, smile, and bestow as much affection as anyone can upon my darling son. (My husband and I did reconcile.)
Last week, his teacher described an event that took place during a field trip. Junior witnessed one of his classmates having a melt down. The other student began to cry and hit his head. This self injurious behavior is not uncommon among those with Autism. It is very heartbreaking to anyone who works with or cares for and loves an autist. Apparently it was heartbreaking for Junior to witness as well. He put his hands up in the air (his hand motion for "stop") and said, "No no no no. Hurt hurt hurt hurt." When his classmate did not calm down, Junior began to cry as well. Junior was saddened by what he saw. He did not want his classmate to be sad or to hurt himself. If that isn't empathy, I don't know what is.
Of course, hearing the story made me feel sad. I really do not like for Junior to be sad or afraid. At the same time, I was so proud. There was my son, wanting to help someone else. For someone like me, who lives and breathes to help others...there are few things sweeter than feeling like I may have passed that trait on to my child. The fact that this trait is supposed to be rare in those with Autism just made it that much more grand.
This is not the first time my son has broken the molds set forth by researchers. He accepts changes in routine with little or no fuss. He is social, it just takes longer for him to warm up to people. He forms relationships and misses people that he likes when they are absent from his life.
Perhaps researchers have it wrong. Or, maybe my son just likes to show people that they are wrong about him and what he can or cannot do. If so, he definitely gets that from me and once again...I couldn't be more proud. I eagerly encourage him and look forward to watching him break more molds, one by one.
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About the Author
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- From: mamaelephant
- Name: mamaelephant
- About Me: Hi! I am Mama Elephant and I am both a college student and SAHM to a mischievous teenage son, who happens to have Autism, and an infant daughter. It is a practice in time management. Raising a child with special needs presents challenges disguised as impossibilities as well as rewards beyond the imagination and I write about both.
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Comments (32)
It's wonderful that your son has such a big heart. I'm very happy to hear that those researchers were wrong for once!
I love reading stories like this. I'm just a big softy at heart and love stories that can really tug at my heart in a good way. Thank you for sharing your story and the love you feel for your son!
I love this. My brother has Autism. It isn't a severe case but it's still awful what my mom had to go through. He's getting better, what with therapy and meds, and I have noticed that he is being more loving of others. It's nice to see that science doesn't always win.
My cousin is autistic... his story is similar to the one you shared. It really is remarkable to know kids who break the mold". :)
as someone who works with people with special needs, it is wonderful to read things like this. we need to be able to recognize those "stereotyped" behaviors, but it's so important to remember that every person is different. your son sounds like an exemplary individual -- and that credit can be given to both him AND you. :)
I have Asperger´s; which is a less severe form of autism; but I can still feel empathy, and even if I don´t like changes, I´m still very willing to go through them if it needs absolutely to be done. After all it´s renovate or die, right?
There's so little known about the spectrum (and yet they keep adding types of Autism to it) that I'm sure they'll change criteria and traits a thousand times before our lifetimes are over.
If your child didn't have Autism, you wouldn't be concerned with that level of empathy, so don't worry about it now. In fact, be greatful that he can handle so much.
Wow! your son sounds like a great kid! My mom is a teacher at a vocational school for students with handicaps such as autism and downs syndrome. I have visited her class a few times, and the students may not have been able to read or write that well. What they said was simple, but in a way, it was very deep. They were always smiling! They have so much hope! And the greatest part is, they don't have something holding them back, even though most people would look at it that way. Your son is remarkable!
I think my son may be the child in your son's class who had the meltdown! ((He went on a field trip last week, and had a melt down. He does hit his forehead when he's really upset, and there's a Junior in his class!) I'm sorry he scared your son. Yes, our children do feel and show empathy. I also work in an autism classroom, and contrary to the general population's understanding of autism, our kids do want to engage people. They laugh with us and tease us, and relate to one another as well. You are right as well, that it is heartbreaking when our children show self-injurious behaviors. That didn't start with my son a until a couple of years ago, and fortunately, it doesn't happen often, but it is scary to witness.
I think, because there are different degrees of autism on the spectrum, there are varying degrees of empathy. My autistic son is now 22, and yes, he has feelings, and some degree of empathy, but it's not always consistent and he doesn't always pick up those social clues or "get" what people are thinking or feeling - he thinks they should all feel and think the same way he does. The whole "theory of mind" explanation fits him perfectly - he does not understand that people think differently than he does, or why they do. Some things, he gets - some humor, some hurt and pain. Not always. He takes everything literally. The particular problem we're having right now is that he doesn't understand why his 12 year old sister gets annoyed with him when he constantly teases her and laughs at her, even though I have explained it to him over and over. He usually picks the morning to do this teasing and "joking around", and she is not a morning person, so she gets really irritated - I do, too. He just stands around and makes a running commentary on everything we are doing to try to get ready for our day, and laughs at everything - his nervous laugh, but his sister doesn't get that yet and it makes her really annoyed. He doesn't understand why she doesn't like it. Every day it's like it's brand new and I'm explaining it all over again. Yet, about other things, he sometimes seems to be able to put himself in someone else's shoes - not often - but usually, things revolve around him and what he thinks and feels - and that's what he always talks about. It's great to see it when they do "get it", such as the empathy your son experienced for his classmate. Every little positive is a cause for celebration!
I did a PhD to help children with medical issues (self funded).
Autism is a wide issues. Autism needs more research and support. I saw a lot things which you can not put numbers to.
Doctors see a quick snap shot of a child, we need better ways to understand how to help the child.
My PhD is now called www.animalagentz.com and is listed in the UK autism support.
www.autism.org.uk/nas/jsp/polopoly.jsp?d=1404&a=13703
The project has been hard to fund and we have no money for adverts.
Moms are using it and it seems to be a tool to help their children.
Dr Mark Jones
m@animalagentz.com
Did you ever consider that the researchers are right and your child's diagnosis is wrong? If he doesn't meet the criteria for ASD then he shouldn't be diagnosed as ASD.
BTW, I am the mother of a 16 y.o. Aspergers son.
@fly46@xanga - I must respectfully disagree. If my son were a "typical" child, I would certainly be concerned if he lacked empathy.
@PansyFaye@xanga - I can't say how many prayers I have sent out to let it not be Autism. My son does indeed have Autism, in fact he is considered to have Classic or Kanner's Autism. He has had numerous tests performed to rule out all other disorders, syndromes, diseases that present similar symptoms. He has gone through multiple and various EEGs, an MRI, metabolic testing, genetic testing, heavy metal poisoning testing...you name it and they have tested for it. He has seen doctors from Florida, Virginia, Michigan, and Illinois and every one of them agree. Autism it was, is, and always will be. I have made my peace with the diagnosis and I wouldn't trade my son for the world or 5 healthy, typical kids.
i think we have to remember that ever child, regardless of abilities and labels is different. i work with kids with mild to moderate mr and two with aut and all of them are different, unique human beings. one thing i have found is that the kids are really intuitive...even when we don't say anything and we try our best to hide whats troubling us...they know something is wrong. i still remember when i had broken up with my boyfriend of 18 months and i went to school and we were all sitting around the table doing art and my lowest kid (at the time) who was low vision, seizures all the time, significant mr, and he patted me on the back, its ok ree, its ok. i didnt say anything to them but he knew. same thing when i was friends with the kids iwht mr in my high school. my one girl friend, tiffany, was, at times, a better friend than my "typical friends".
i <3 these kids! congrats to your son!!
Thanks for sharing. It is always great to hear about the breakthroughs that they experience and can communicate. Every child is different.
Thank you for sharing this about your son! It is so heartwarming to hear how our children have empathy for one another!
Autism doesn't have him. That is great! The other day I read a post that a person has diabetes but they should not be considered a diabetic because this defines them. It was by wherethefishlives. I think your son is not an autistic but a loving, caring, boy from what you have said.
Great post.
Yeah! I loved this post. It is so wonderful to look into your sons world.
Yeah, my brother has Asperger's, and once when he was playing soccer a kid on the other team tripped or was hurt (I didn't see) and he went over to go help him out. The doctors said that wasn't possible, because kids with Asperger's don't have empathy. PFFFFT. Sure they don't. Just because they rarely exercise it doesn't mean they aren't capable.
Good post. :)
Nice post. It's always refreshing to hear about the good that people do especially from those that are differently abled.
My older brother is autistic, and he's always amazed me with acts of empathy similar to those of your son.
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Great post, and what a great son you have... what you've written brought tears to my eyes... you are a great mother. I bet he will continue to present you gifts like these as he grows older!
Thank you so much for sharing your story! My nephew is autistic. I hope that one day he can be like your son and prove that those researches are wrong!
This is sweet.
Thanks for this. :)