Friday, 16 January 2009
-
I'm Not Sure If My Son and I Have Bonded Yet
Guest post submitted by The_Syrup_Gang
It's difficult for a mother to admit that she and her child have not yet bonded after considerable time together. Although I don't want to say it, I have reached the conclusion that this is the case with my son and I. My 18-month-old son seems to favor his dad and his grandparents over his own mommy. Moreover, I'm not sure if this is normal or not, but my son hits me in my face quite a bit. He kisses his teddy bears and his daddy, but he won't really kiss me.
He doesn't show much affection to me at all come to think of it. He doesn't say "mama" frequently and it honestly hurts my feelings. I feel like a rotten mother and sometimes think we'll never bond. His father and I both discipline him, but I tend to lose my temper with him and raise my voice more than I should. My husband is a paramedic and he works 48 hours at a time and I'm a stay-at-home mom.
I'm not sure if I have become the "bad guy" when his dad is gone for 2 days at work. Down the line, I cannot be one of those moms who warns, "just wait until your dad gets home!" because I know that he most likely won't be back for a day or two. Although I refuse to be the sole disciplinarian, I definitely wouldn't wait for my husband to come home before I can discipline my son.
Am I wrong for having these thoughts? Have any of you moms out there had this problem bonding? Any advice or tips you could offer?
-
recommend
- recs 0
-
share
-
email
- sent 0
Related Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to momaroo's Momaroo Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in momaroo's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: The_Syrup_Gang@xanga
- Name: The_Syrup_Gang
- About Me: I am a happily married woman. My husband is a Paramedic and I am a stay at home Mom of 1 boy, soon to be 2! Ryan was born July 17, 2007 and Nick is due March 9, 2009!
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 2 Views: 0 3055 Comments: 0 37 View all posts by The_Syrup_Gang@xanga
Comments (16)
That would be hard.
My only thought is that because you are there all the time, it's much more exciting to see Daddy and the others. How often do you get a break away from him? Especially with your husband being gone so much you need to make sure you get some down time apart, it will be beneficial for both you and your son.
I tend to agree with the above comment about you being there all the time and Daddy not, so it's more exciting to see him. My youngest son loves it when his father comes home. Sometimes he'll tell me, "mom you can just go upstairs and rest, oK?" He means to say, stay out of the way it is "Guy time!"
The fact that he doesn't show you much affection would concern me though. If you do lose your temper, and yell, I would try really hard to not do that. Walk out of the room, count to ten, do whatever you have to to calm down, then come back and calmly in a stern no nonsense but calm voice tell him what you are upset about with his behavior. Do you have a time of day when you and he just cuddle? Some children don't like this (my second child was not a cuddler), but if he is willing, you don't want to force him, sit and read to him or sing a quiet song together or even watch a video or something. Anything where you can sit with him either on your lap or side by side just being physically close. And then turn your head and just give him a peck on the cheek and say "_____ I love you so much" and then continue watching or reading or singing or whatever. One of my most favorite times of the day is when I sit and read to my son. Before he gets ready for bed and I've told him that that is my most favorite time of day. It's like we are in a world of our own sometimes. Then the spell is broken and daddy takes him to get him ready for bed. Anyway, I hope that helps some.
my son is 19 months old and he is the same way with his grandparents. i dont think it is you. as long as your son is fed, clean , and has a roof over his head, you shouldn't feel like a bad mom. I myself thought i was going to have some sort of instantaneous bond with my son, and it didnt happen, and it still hasnt.Â
I don't have that problem, but maybe Tornado Chaser is right. I am sorry you are having problems bonding with your son. I wish I had better tips on what to do.
My daughter loves me, I can tell since she doesn't fall asleep without me. But she said "daddy, dog, see, kitty and poop" before she said mommy. I still get more poops that mommys but I'll take them. She also Bites me more than daddy and hits me more. I think its one of those familiarity breeds contempt things. Hope things improve for you.
I know how you feel...I don't feel like I ever totally "bonded" with my 9 year old! We lived we my parents when she was born and for the next four years she was spoiled heavily and I was most often the "bad guy." I could blame it on that but really she isn't all too attached to anyone. I think it's just her personality.
I would just spend a lot of time being affectionate. Why don't you kiss his teddy bears (and even Daddy!) while he's watching and make a game out of it. It would get him more into the idea of showing you affection. Sometimes to get my daughter (the 9 year old) to hug we make a Keeleigh-sandwich between her dad and me! Sometimes you have to get creative and make it fun.
I have a hard time controlling my temper at times, too. Patience is SOOO hard to learn, isn't it? I just had to realize that, most of the time, whatever I'm getting upset about won't matter tomorrow and that either I can be patient or I can lose it. And most of the time I choose to be patient. It's kind of sad, but I actually have to consider that each time I feel myself getting close to boiling point. Learning to let go is so freeing, though! And I've found that my children respond more to my discipline when I pull them close and whisper to them than when I yell. It keeps their defenses down and allows whatever you're teaching them to really sink in. And that way you're not really being a bad guy or mean mommy.
My son hits me from time to time, as well, so I think that's just a toddler thing. Whenever he does it I take his hand and caress my cheek with it and sweetly say, "We are gentle." Now he comes up to me and caresses my cheek all on his own...how cute is that? The point is to respond to his acting out in a way that shows how you want him to act. Reward good behavior with smiles and love.
It may be pointless to say this because I know how much mothers innately worry, but I really wouldn't worry that you're a rotten mother! I guarantee that's not at all what your son is thinking.
Because of my dads rotating shifts there were times we would see him for a week. That being said when dad disciplined us we would listen at the first warning. His time with us was more special because we saw so little of him. My brother remembers my dad coming home from 2nd shift waking him up and taking him to the midnight showing of Indiana Jones so he could be the first in his class to see it. Dad did all sorts of things with us when he was off. There were many times we would go to the movies just him and I. I don't remember the movies as much as I remember hanging out with my dad.
Have you thought about sending him to a daycare for a few days a week for a couple of hours. By not spending every minute with you he might start to appreciate you being around.
@Traci_Ladd@xanga - Great comments and tips :)
I know you're with him all the time so this is probably a dumb question but, do you sit down and play with him. Like if he wants to share his toys with you, do you sit down and really listen/play/talk to him? I'm only asking because I was starting to have the same problem with my son.
Although, my hubby and I are in the opposite position as you and yours (I work full-time in a medical position and hubby is stay-at-home daddy), I was starting to find my son wanted less and less time with me and more with daddy. It was hurtful and confusing because daddy is always home with him and I'm not. So hubby and I figured he got so attached to daddy because he is his sole caregiver.
Well, I finally started to just sit with him. I would get home from work, get comfortable, and then (whether he liked it or not, and most often he didn't like it) I would sit with him and play. I became interested in what he was doing, no matter how exhausted I was from work. I started talking with him, reading with him, and just sitting with him when he wanted someone there.
It's taken several months but, now, he pulls me everywhere and when I get home he's the first to run to me and give me hugs and kisses.
Yes, I know it's fairly frustrating - I hear it from my hubby all the time. LOL But hang in there. I can tell you're a great mother. A bad mother wouldn't care as much as you do or discipline like you do. You're doing great!
And actually, now that I see when your son was born, I also think it could be the age. My son went back and forth, through phases, of liking me then hubby, me then hubby. All children are different so don't be so hard on yourself.
I even have another example but this is already super long. Hope this helps some! Take care!
@TornadoChaser - @sugartomyhoney@xanga - @brunetteshybabydoll@xanga - @Erika_Steele@xanga - @SnowFrog@xanga - @Traci_Ladd@xanga - @bassangel@xanga - @monkeytoesNme@xanga - Thank you for your comment and helpful advice! I appreciate it!
Everyone has given good advice. There is more to bonding than just being there. It's important to be interested in what he does, share play time, do some fun things together that he likes to do. When you have to discipline, be firm and it can be soothing also, talk to him and explain why not to do something. Read to him. Hug him, tell him you love him, tell him what makes him unique, what you like that he does, what qualities you like about him. They have short attention spans. So, change to different activities often. If you genuinely enjoy time with him, he will know.
@Suesbooks - Thank you
@monkeytoesNme@xanga - My son and I are making progress. I sit down with him a lot more lately to play with toys. We are reading more too. We snuggle and he has given me a few kisses, which warms my heart. Thanks for your encouragement and advice!
@Traci_Ladd@xanga - Thanks so much for your comment. It sounds like we have quite a bit in common. Your advice is great, thanks for sharing it!
I agree with some of the other posts. I think it has more to do with the fact that you are always there. While you are not the sole disciplinarian you are the main one because your husband is gone for 48 hours at a time. That in and of itself makes him more of the fun one. It is hard when you are not the fun one and the other parent gets to come in and be adored. Keep working at it. My guess is that you are more bonded with your child than you even realize.
@happygirl7798@xanga - Yes, that makes a lot of sense. I am beginning to see some progress between us already. I am just wondering how well my son will adjust when his baby brother is born (March 2009). One day at a time though, I will tackle that issue when it comes about, if it does at all.