Thursday, 15 January 2009

  • Co-Sleeping: The Time Has Come to an End!

    Guest post submitted by bluewingz

    The Time Has Come From the moment she was born, my daughter made her preferences about being held for sleep known. If we tried to put her down, she'd scream. After several rough nights, we started co-sleeping.  I would nurse her to sleep for naps and at night, and then fall asleep beside her. Exhausted.

    Fast forward almost 15 months. Despite several half-hearted (on my part) attempts to change things, Becca is still sleeping with us.  She still nurses to sleep most naps and at bedtime.  And she can't fall asleep without me right there, nursing her.  If I move out of the bed, and she notices, she screams. Mark can put her to sleep, but then he has to hold her, in a chair. He can't lay down with her.

    We need to make a change. 

    I would love to use the no-tears approach, but Becca is ridiculously stubborn.  But I can't stand to listen to her cry.  At 15 months, though, I'm ready to get her into her own crib. The crib is in our room, set up. She has her own room, but it is closed off for the winter. I have tried setting her into the crib sleepy, after nursing and the rest of our short routine, but she starts crying.

    I feel horrible for trying to force her out of my bed, but I'm tired of going to bed when she does, and not getting time to myself.  I want to have those magical couple of hours in the afternoon when she is napping, just for me.  Or, for time for my husband.  On the other hand, she's old enough to get into the crib.

    She is mostly weaned during the day.  I'm debating between weaning first, or just concentrating on getting her into the crib.  I want to have my bed, and my boobs, to myself (well, not counting my husband) for at least a couple months before we start trying to conceive again.

    Help! Any tips or advice would be greatly appreciated.

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Comments (46)

  • DyingWhileIWaitToDie@xanga

    hmmm...
    I know it seems hard, but really the best method is just to wean her from it.
    Try not doing it for daytime naps, at first, and slowly, she'll get it.
    Most likely, anyways.
  • care

    My only advice is to stick with it! After two weeks of going through parental hell, mommy guilt and all the things make you want  to put it off just one more day, it will be no sweat and you will have your grown-up bed back!!


    Good luck!

  • sugartomyhoney@xanga

    ....and that is why you don't start that in the first place.  My son was the same way.  From day one in the hospital even he would not sleep unless held.  I, of course relented while in the hospital, after all it was only 1 day and 1 night, but after that....I would go to the crib make sure he was OK, pat him, talk to him, and then walk away.  If he continued crying I would go back every 15 minutes or so, just to make sure he was OK, not wet, not stuck in some weird position, pat him, talk to him, and then leave again.  After a while, the crying got less and less. He figured out I wasn't giving in but that I also was still there.  I had the advantage of this being my 5th child and I had heard a lot of crying through the years, so while it still tugged at my heart, it didn't cause me to give in!

    I don't know how you can even get pregnant with a baby in your bed all the time and you unable to even leave the bed to go somewhere else!  And how is your husband dealing with this?  You really need to keep your relationship with your husband number one.  A baby takes a lot of time as it is, and then if that baby sleeps with you, how does your husband and your relationship with him even fit into the equation?
  • ShamrockLover@xanga

    I can't make an objective comment about this because i disagree with SO many things you're doing.  Still nursing at 15 months...hmm.  Feeding the baby to get her to sleep...another no no.  It's not that she's stubborn...she just knows that if she cries long enough and hard enough, she will get what she wants.
  • sunshinekl@xanga

    It's hard, I know it is, but you are just going to have to let her cry. She has to learn at some point to self sooth and if you don't help her learn that she is going to be in your bed for a LONG LONG time. 
    When I decided to transition my son from the bed to the crib I started with nap times.  I would nurse him and then lay him in the crib.  He would cry and I would check on him every 8-10 minutes.  But I would just let him cry.  He never cried for more then 30 minutes, by that time he usually cried himself to sleep.  Sometimes that doesn't happen with babies and you just have to stick to it in that case.  You can go in and check on her and make sure she is ok, but don't pick her up!   It takes time and persistence.  After about a week of him being used to being in the crib for nap times I did the same thing at bed time.   I know that it's hard to hear your baby cry especially for extended periods of time but you have to remember in this situation she isn't crying b/c she is hurt or anything she is just crying b/c she wants her way. 

    Good Luck!
  • averyswife@xanga

    Okay, there's nothing wrong with still breastfeeding your daughter at 15 months, so don't feel like you have to wean her just to get her out of your bed.  Still, you DO need to start letting her cry it out for naptimes and bedtimes.  And I would highly recommend putting her in her own room if that's possible.  The comment above mine has some great tips, I completely agree!
  • Amarisa@xanga

    I think that starting with the naptimes would be best.  It may take a long time to transition Becca, but you can do it!  I don't have strong opinions on the cry-it-out or no-tears methods, but you do whatever you are most comfortable with.  To be cliche, consistency is key, whatever you decide to do.  You must think of Becca's desires and personality, but you must also think of yourself, and strike a balance.  Good luck, dear.
  • greenwoman@xanga

    Let her cry it out. It's the only way you are going to get through this.
  • draco1531@xanga

    Good luck with whatever you try, and 15m is not too old to be breastfeeding! 
  • MommyGEM_RN@xanga

    I knew pretty early on that I didn't want to co-sleep with my daughter for the very reason you are talking about here. That is why I transitioned her to her crib at 6 weeks old. And it went surprisingly smoothly. I would think the same principles apply though. Establish a consistent nightly routine, and put her in her crib at the same time every night. After 5-10 mins of crying, go in to check on her and reassure her, but don't pick her up. It may take a few visits of doing that, but she'll get it eventually, and hopefully after a few nights it'll be come easier. The same goes for nap times too. My daughter's 12 months now, and even though she also needs to nurse to go to sleep, she is a great crib sleeper! Good luck!!!

    Oh, and 15 months is definitely not too old to be nursing. Nurse for as long as your daughter wants to. I'd wait to stop nursing her until after she is sleeping well in her crib. You don't want to change too many things at once, and she's going to need that comfort while she's learning to sleep in her crib.
  • brownalpaca@xanga

    -First, I'm pointing out that most likely Dad's attempt to try to get her to sleep and finding it only works in the chair is probobly about as far as he 'tried' correct?  I say this because it's common-place for the father to make such 'attempts' at helping but sadly they give up usually because they have mom to turn to afterall, 'the baby likes her best' right??? Ugh. Imagine how helpful he COULD be in this weaning/transitioning to her own bed. 


    We used the side-car method when ours were little, eventually the first moved over to daddys side and when the second came we were a queen-sized bed sandwiched between a crib and a toddler bed. 


    another note: perhaps if you brought back some nursing during the day, since she certainly could use it(babies at 15 months arent getting all their nutrition through food), weaning from breast at night would be easier.
  • livingfreeinnc@xanga

    I went thru' the same thing with my son when he was 14 mo. old .I too can not handle hearing a baby cry . What worked for me was too quit nursing at night ,if he cried i sat up and rocked him but no nursing.. It didn't take long for him to decide it wasn't worth waking up anymore! And once he slept the whole night he didn't mind his crib...
  • IamKelleyK@xanga

    That's why I never let my daughter sleep with us in the first place - I didn't want to have to battle it out later.  I don't have a child that is your child's age, so I won't pretend to know what it's like to go through that.  From what I've heard and read, be consistant.  If you try to make her sleep in her bed, but give up after a few minutes/hours of screaming, and let her back in, you're putting her through it for nothing.  That's what Nanny 911 said today anyway.  ;)
  • care

    For the poster that was blessed with children who didn't have a need to be held all the time, some kids need to be held... a lot- to eat, to sleep, to poop, to pee... they need that extra attention. They are high needs (not in the disabilities way, but in the what kinda attention they require way) babies because that's the way they were made not because their parents MADE them this way by co-sleeping.


    There is not a one size fits all to parenting because we are not raising clones, but individuals. Individuals all require different things. Kids that fall into the high matainence category tend to be exceptionally bright, often reaching milestones early because they are awake more often than other babie. They also grow to be very intuitive or in tune with their enviroment and the people around them. But, boy, do they hate not being held as babies!! 


    Having a kid like pratically requires co-sleeping. The key part being the word sleep. How blissful it is to be able to actually sleep more than 15 minutes at a time! Co-sleeping gives all the benefits of holding a baby while it sleeps without you dropping the poor thing out of exhaustion.


    So, unless you've had that kinda kid, the kind that doesn't sleep unless it feels your body next to it from day one of its life, don't knock the co-sleeping thing. The only detriment co-sleeping causes is when you don't end the co-sleeping at some point before the kid is old enough to steal covers.


    Otherwise, it works well and has worked well for longer than people have been writing books and going on talk shows with the latest parenting trends... I'd speculate that would be around the time we learned to walk upright, right after we learned how to breastfed... in order to keep children dying of exposure or getting eaten by lions.

  • raved@xanga

    Let her cry, no matter how much it hurts you.

    It will only get worse as she gets older.
  • akarui_mitsukai@xanga

    Best wishes! If you figure anything out, be sure to share it with us! It may come in handy to know one day. :)


    <3, HC
  • momsterr@xanga
    Good Luck!

    At 15 mos, she understands everything already!  Don't let her fool you.  Talk to her about it.

    I'm a firm believer that you should wean a child at 1 year.  Mine were using sippy cups after thier first birthday.  No more breasts, no more bottles.  I was happy and they were happy to be a "big kid now." 

    But I  gave in to the co sleeping.  We had a family bed, King size.  Both my kids slept with us when they wanted till they were in the 3rd grade!!  They left on their own.  But it was great. I enjoyed it.  They napped in their rooms, they played in their rooms, but just the fact that they were always welcome in our room took the anxiety away.

    When they were babies, I let them nap on my bed and I took a nap on their bed!  My daughter told me once that she liked the smell of my bed, it helped her to sleep.

    They are well adjusted teenagers now, who get embarassed when I remind them that they use to both sleep in our bed.  I think it made us closer.  They are both nice kids, top of their class and they make me proud.

  • christygraves@xanga

    Oh, I totally feel for you.  I think we have all done things as parents just to make that one day or night a little easier (think - TV, extra snacks, etc.).  And then it spirals out of control from there.

    Anyway, I would not try weaning and stopping co-sleeping at the same time.  I think that would be too much of a change.  And I agree with the commenters who said to start with naps.  Letting babies cry it out is hard, but for a 15-month, you should know that it's not going to hurt her.  Honestly, I would just put her in the crib for 2 hours (or however long her naps usually are) every day.  If she screams the whole time, so be it.  Within 2 weeks, she should be used to it and settled down (it might be a long 2 weeks though).

    Then, after she's finally napping, I would just do the same thing at night.  Again, it may take a while.

    Good luck and best wishes!
  • ChicaLaLoca@xanga

    I'm going to ditto what most all the other ladies said.  Naps first.  Check on her every 10 minutes or so, rub her back, talk softly to her, but don't pick her up.  Once naps are established in the crib, move on to night time.  And definately don't stop breastfeeding at the same time.  She will need that comfort and reassurance from you during this time!  And for that matter, good job for breastfeeding this long, keep it up as long as she wants!  Good Luck!
  • mamamonkey

    I would echo what many other people are saying ... 1)Nursing at 15 months is NOT too old 2) You are going to have to let her cry it out 3) Naps is probably the best place to start. 


    You just have to stick to it and you will be surprised how easy it will become once she figures out you won't give in anymore. Kids are a lot smarter than we give them credit for. 
    @care - Yes, some kids are naturally more 'needy' - but just as they can be taught to be that way they can also be taught not to be that way. I am not talking about letting a one month old scream it out, but they can be 'conditioned' much younger than most people think and it really makes things better for both parents and baby when they learn to self soothe at least some of the time ... And I have had 2 'needy' babies. 
  • onetruelove@lovelyish

    You don't want her to grow up spoiled and a crybaby who cries to get what she wants. That's what you're teaching her. Just put her in the crib and let her cry. She'll get used to the idea that YOU'RE boss and she'll have to start crying sometime or her lungs will burst. I know it's hard, but that's the only way. And 15 months is not too old to stop breast feeding. I have some early memories of when I was two... if you don't want her to have memories of breast feeding, you may want to stop pretty soon.
  • babyK102982@xanga

    @sugartomyhoney@xanga -   It really seems kind of cruel to be that judgmental.  Perhaps you noticed with all five of your children, but they don't come with instruction manuals.  Each family makes decisions in the best way they know how, and each child is different, there is no need to ridicule ANYONE like that for a decision.  I'm sure that there is knowledge that you apply to your fifth child that you didn't have with your first child.  Some knowledge can only be learned through firsthand experience.  By the way, in your rush to judgement, perhaps you didn't notice that the original poster had realized that the situation wasn't working for her family and was asking for ADVICE.  Also in the very last part of her post, she mentioned that she wanted time to herself AND her husband before even TRYING to conceive again, so a large majority of your "comment" was pointless, but maybe you didn't get a chance to read that in your hurry to reach the comment button.  Maybe you were trying to be helpful, but when someone reaches out to ask for advice and support, judgement is the last thing they need. 

    I have to echo what everyone else says.  It is not going to be an easy task, but you have to be consistent.  Trust me, I should know, I had the same issues with my son and chose not to co-sleep with my youngest because of it.   However, I still believe that that family bed can be a healthy choice and a great way to get a few extra minutes of sleep, especially when breastfeeding.  Congrats on nursing so long by the way, 15 months is NOT too old.  I only wish I could have nursed my little ones that long.  I only had 6 weeks of viable nursing with my oldest and I'd give anything to have that strong bond with him.  My youngest weaned himself at 9 1/2 months and I still miss it.  Anyways, it's going to be a rough couple of weeks but stick with it; it's usually easier to switch to independent sleeping during naptime, especially if she is already mostly weaned during the day.  Good luck and happy (restful) thoughts to you.  If you need any support, please message me. 

  • sugartomyhoney@xanga

    @babyK102982@xanga - Well I it is interesting the way you accuse me of being judgmental at the same time you are doing the same thing to me.

    I was not being judgmental nor was I ridiculing.  I was being honest.  I seemed to be the only one that was concerned about the husband and their relationship which by the way is VERY important for the welfare of your children.  Yes, I have learned a lot over the years and that is exactly why I was saying the things that I was saying.
  • Traci_Ladd@xanga

    I would start putting her in her bed for naps during the day. It worked for my family to put my son to bed and pat him down and go to him as many times as it took to get him to lay down and go to sleep. I would talk to her and tell her ahead of sleepy time that this is her nap spot...use the word nap all around her crib so that she knows it's coming. Then at nap time lay her down there. Keep at it...it could take days but I bet it would work. Then just work up to putting her down at night time there.


    Does she have an kind of lovey? Maybe you could introduce one while she's in your bed and then let that transition her to her bed.


    Also stick to a schedule...it absolutely changed my life setting a schedule!


    Good luck!
  • YackAttack@xanga

    I'm impressed with how long you've allowed her to boss you around!  I'm way too "heartless" for that.  LOL!  Seriously, a little crying isn't going to hurt her.  One time I asked my midwife what would happen if I just let my baby cry.  She said, "Eventually, she'll fall asleep." 


    Such a simple answer to what I thought was a huge problem!

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