I can understand your anger.

@Kristenmomof3@xanga - people have to make their own decisions~

Personally I am prolife and have met many families with disabled children that have said what a joy has been brought into their life through their "imperfect" little ones. And do you really know it's something you "can't handle" unless you give yourself a chance to "handle it"? That being said, I myself cannot imagine the difficulties of having a disabled child, but all i can say is the families I see with children with special needs have found their lives enriched- not burdened. In my opinion- Babies are precious- even if they are disabled. 

Well. I'm not sure how to answer this thread. I am the mother of a son with Down Syndrome. I have MANY friends who adopted children with Ds. And I was an adoption caseworker (worked with birth mothers) for many years. I must say that for the child to not be diagnosed at birth is VERY RARE. And for a parent to place a child for adoption after caring for the baby for many months would be rarer still. Most birth mothers of children with Ds make an adoption plan well in advance of the birth given the sophistication of tests available. I find them heroic. It is a selfless act in this day and age to carry a child to term that you have no intention of parenting. Abortion is too easy and too available... and 90% of mothers who get a poor medical diagnosis of their unborn child (as in the case of Ds) will chose to abort. And I can't fault a mother who makes an adoption plan for a child when she, as a mother,  feels she is inadequate or unable to care for the baby because of medical complications. It is not a choice I could make. Our little guy is four years old now, he had open heart surgery at 7 days old. He was critical at birth. We all loved him immediately (he was our seventh child) But the myraid of emotions you feel when told your child has a life-long incurable condition is both shocking and dismaying even to seasoned parents. While I understand  your indignation, I would only feel sadness for the parents. They will never know what they missed if they chose to place a baby with Ds for adoption. But, the child is still alive.. they gave him life. There was a case, Baby Doe, in which the parents choose to not give medical care to their infant  with Ds. He had an abdominal obstruction, simple procedure to repair surgically. It was over 20 years ago and made all the news. Pro life groups fought to have the parent's rights revoked, and the baby adopted out. Three different families qualified. They lost the case and Baby Doe lost his  life. Now THAT sickens me. (if you want to read about it
http://www.affirminglife.org/issues/doe.asp  )

At least there are people who want them. It's better than taking them out back, if you know what I mean.
I am a heartless person and wouldn't want a "mentally ill" child. I have no excuse, and I'm going to hell for it.

Four months? Seriously?
How can a person fall in love with their child for four months and then just give them up?

I can't even picture that.
I'm shocked at the audacity of the doctor to propose such an idea, but I'm sure that he did it with good intentions.
It also makes me almost certain that he has dealt with a similar situation before.

That is just plain sad.

I know of a couple families that aren't able to have children, and having have some disabilities or no disabilities these children could be so LOVED !!!!!! I've always said that if anyone wanted to give up there babies or children and didn't want them, there would be no question whatsoever if I would welcome them into my home, open arms and open heart. I know this might sound weird to some, but where I live people try to kill there babies because they don't want them, they use relationship problems as a birth control, sex is fun and the precious life they create wasn't intended. These issues are some of what I've seen in my small little town, yet they have children after child and don't take care of them. Yet there are homes and families that would so take them in and love them to peices. YET some people just "decide" to give there children away, I myself CAN NOT even fathem, or contemplate giving up my child it wouldn't be question or even a nano second of a thought. All children are gifts, all children are from our Lord, disabilities don't determine which child should get more love then the others...wrong wrong wrong.....

And as for the doctor that had the audacity to ask me a question like that he would have had one unhappy very mad, very vocal patient on his hands !!!!! I'm sure the waiting room would have liked to know!!!!!!

Love your children!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Honestly, brutally honest... I would have to sit there and go home and discuss with my husband... I would fear the consequences of me keeping the child ONLY because of monetary concerns.  For a child with any serious, basic life-impacting disability I would fear for my ability to continue to care for the child once they reach adult-hood and even into the years that I am no longer alive.  What if something were to happen to me/my husband?  Would my child be WELL taken care of?  Sure the government can step in and "take care" of the person, but are they really going to get the way of life and care that they deserve?  Can I commit to something like that that I'm not even sure I could afford?  I would LOVE to say yes, I would... but honestly, not sure if I could.

@shadowraven@xanga - Honestly, your reaction is very much like mine when we first heard the news. Thoughts of "can I do this?, can we afford the medical care? who will take care of her if something happens to us?" were all questions we asked ourselves. I realized that yes I could do this. Medical insurance would cover most of the expenses, and we had seven other children that loved this little girl and if the time came, more than one would be up for the task of taking on her care.

I fully understand not everyone can take this on. For me though, it is the easist job I have ever had. I just have to sit back and love my daughter.

Thank you so much for your honesty.

As the adoptive mom of 2 kids with special needs and the desire to adopt other children with special needs, I have to say that I agree with the doctor to have at least brought up the suggestions.  My oldest son was severely neglected and abused in his birth home because his mother was VERY young (not even 16 when she had him) and her family was not helpful.  BUT the medical and social service community did not give her the help and training she needed to be a parent let alone a parent to a child with special needs.  He was emaciated when he was finally taken into foster care at 13 months old, as he had oral aversion issues and hypotonia and could not eat well.  He also could not crawl and was not saying any words, and was left day after day either in a crib or strapped into a high chair.  While I do think with the right supports, guidance and resources she could have had the potential to be a good mother, those things were not available, and he would have suffered far less had someone either helped her with parenting or helped her make an adoption plan at ANY time during those first 13 months.  Instead he suffered, then got sucked into the foster care system and bounced through 5 homes in the next nearly 2 years because he was "difficult" to care for.   That instability has left him with severe trust issues, that even though he has been home and adopted for 3 years now, he still can never fully trust or feel secure, but we work at that too.

My second son, well, I applaud his birth mother for making her choice.  She was a single mom with 5 boys already, and from the little I know of her had a lot of stress in her life.  He was born 3 months EARLY with a very traumatic birth, and sustained brain damage due to 2 massive brain bleeds, in addition to lung, feeding, and cardiac issues.  She worked with an adoption agency and made an adoption plan for her son because she just could not see how she could meet his needs AND the needs of her 5 other children.  And his first year was a roller coaster ride of surgeries (heart and brain), multiple emergency hospitalizations, and still today at 2 years old, he has oxygen at home, has to be on a monitor when he sleeps, has oodles and oodles of therapists and specialists, has adaptive equipment, and is just a happy (though beginning to enter those terrible twos temper tantrums...) and tenacious kid.  He is talking and eating table food (though still cut up small as his tongue spasms).  He has learned to crawl and is pulling to stand, but needs braces on his legs and feet as he has cerebral palsy.  He will be dealing with physical and medical challenges the rest of his life.  But he is very secure, very trusting, and has always had a stable solid home with parents who can advocate for and understand his needs.

While I do believe that most people can rise to the occasion and find in themselves that ability and the great joy there is in raising a child with a special need, it is not for everyone.  Even my other half struggles with the medical stuff sometimes, and the stress of watching your child struggling to breathe, where I just do what needs to be done and trust that he will be alright. 

But my point is, that sometimes if a parent does not realize that it is a possibility to give a child up for adoption if they do not feel they can parent a child with extra needs, they will feel trapped, may not know where to turn for help, and may end up neglecting the child and causing suffering.  Most people who do make an adoption plan do it out of love FOR the child they are placing for adoption.  And very few consider it a rash decision, just as those who are adopting the children with special needs have taken the time to consider if they would be able to parent a child with those needs.  I have had to turn down kids as an adoptive parent because the timing was not right, and I need to be able to properly care for the children I have before I introduce another child with extra challenges into the family.  But I definitely plan on adopting one or two more children with special needs before my family is complete.  And I hope it will be a situation like our second son's where we can send pictures and letters to the birth family, who lovingly decided that adoption was the best choice for their child.

There is nothing compared with the joy of raising children with special needs, but there also is nothing compared to the stress of it either.  It has changed my life in a million good ways, and opened up whole new ways of thinking, feeling, and being.  It also has made life different in ways that are challenging as well. Do not judge the doctor too harshly, as much as I think the medical community needs to be educated in the fact that people with special needs are full fledged human beings deserving respect, care, and the same treatment as any other person, I do feel it was his obligation and correct thinking to at least let that parent know that there were options if she needed to take them. 

This post really made me feel better. I just recently found out that my baby (due in April) has an increased risk of having down syndrome. We got a high resolution ultrasound which showed no markers for downs, and my husband and I didn't want to risk getting an amnio and causing any harm to our little girl. We wont know if she has Down Syndrome until she's born in a few months, but we will love her regardless, even though the thought of it is a little unnerving. 

I can say whole heartedly that if my future children are born with anything that is not considered "normal", I will love them just the same. I one day hope to adopt a child (or children) with mild to moderate disabilities.

P.S. I am on my way to becoming a Special Ed. teacher, so I understand the strain it can have on a family. I also know how wonderful children and even adults with disabilities can be. I prefer them over "normal" people anyday.

I'm very appalled at the doctor's suggestion.  I can see where parents feel like they couldn't care for their newborn with a disability, and that's one thing.  But to give their four month old up for adoption seems insane to me.  To me, it would make more sense to give the child up at birth.... that I could see.