Tuesday, 30 December 2008

  • I Am NOT An Inadequate Mother!

    Guest post submitted by IamKelleyK

    I Am NOT Inadequate!

    When I brought home my first baby from the hospital, I had very mixed emotions.  I was happy to have a healthy, beautiful baby girl, but I was terrified of her at the same time.  Was I feeding her enough?  Was I keeping her warm enough?  Too warm?  Did I change her diapers right?  Is she sleeping enough?  Am I even holding her right??

    I think I probably cried at some point everyday for the first week and a half.  I was sure that I was ruining her somehow.  When she cried, as babies do, I felt like I was doing something to cause it, obviously making my baby miserable and scarring her for life!  Looking back, I know most of these feelings were induced by post partum hormones, exhaustion, and this crazy idea that you have to be an absolutely perfect parent in every way.

    Now, four months later, I'm not nearly as uptight.  I make mistakes.  And there are things I do right too.  I enjoy my daughter so much - no more feelings of terror that I'm doing something wrong.  We play, I read to her, I celebrate her milestones and do my best to make her feel like the most treasured little girl in the whole world.   One of my friends recently had a baby and called me with the same questions and concerns I had.  "I feel so inadequate!" she said through tears.  I couldn't help but to smile a little.  Been there, done that.  She'll learn.  Right now she just needs to vent, the way I did a few months ago.  Things will get better.

    Sometimes though, even after a good day, those stupid little thoughts sneak up on me. "You're not a good enough mother," they say to me.  At the end of the day, my daughter is fed, clean and going to sleep, but sometimes I wonder if there was something more I could have done.  Something better.  Could someone else have done it better than me?  Does my daughter know that I tried my best today?  Even if I am a mess, wearing scrub pants and a t-shirt with no makeup - does she know that the energy I spent on her today was out of unconditional love?  Does she know that sometimes at the end of the day I don't feel like I have another ounce of energy to give? 

    When those feelings of exhaustion, incompetence and inadequacy come up, how do you deal with them?  What do you say to yourself to make them go away?

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Comments (13)

  • averyswife@xanga

    I don't know...I deal with those feelings too.  Especially on days like today where I'm spending the majority of my time and energy on house-keeping things and my daughter decides that today is the day she wants Mommy to entertain her.  Am I being a bad mom by encouraging her to entertain herself?  I did sit down and read a book with her for a while.  Still, I sometimes feel like I'm not there for her enough...even though that's silly because I'm always here!
  • Kshorkey@xanga

    THANK GOD for anti-depressants- I had to take them for several months, because I had the same thoughts, maybe a little more intense, but I felt crazy like really crazy, and so I thank God for anti-depressants, but i still have those occasional thoughts, I think every mom does, I think they're there just to keep us in check a little, while i'm doing the dishes if my daughter starts crying, I just stop; they can wait until she's sleeping... it's just a matter of exactly what your title of this blog says, understanding that because you're not perfect it doesn't make you an inadequate mother...
  • slit_the_light@xanga

    simply tell yourself that at the end of the day, you've done all you could, and now you need rest.


    chances are that if you do what you can, and even *worry* about being a good parent, then you've already done waaaaay more  than alot of parents out there, (abusive ones for example)
  • mayanao@xanga

    Of course she's not going to know. She's just a baby.
  • ijustneedhim@xanga

    I think all mothers feel that way from time to time.  My oldest is now going on 13 and I still get those feelings.  Since they don't come with an instruction manual, I think those feelings are normal.  


    I think as long as you love your child and you've done what you feel is best for him/her, you're doing great!  There are no perfect parents, no one with one right answer.  To make those feelings go away, I don't look to anyone, I look at my child and see how happy he/she is.  If at the end of the day your child is clean, fed, and sleeping warm and comfortably, there's no question you're doing a wonderful job.
  • pc1004rn@xanga

    i think every first time mother's go through the same thing.  there are time i ask myself the same questions, but my son smiling back at me takes all that away.  just to see his little toothless smile reassures me he's a happy little booger. 

  • Meahsmom@xanga

    @ijustneedhim@xanga - Exactly!!
  • comparedtoyou@xanga

    I had to scroll down to see who wrote this, because it is, almost word for word, exactly what my mother wrote in her journal when I was a baby. I was already forumulating a reply about post-partum depression when you admitted that was a problem for you. Trust me - your baby will be fine. She has a mom who cares enough to reflect on her parenting skills. You might consider putting this in paper form to give to your daughter when she is old enough. As I'm getting to the point where I'm going to have kids soon (24, married), I'm so very glad my mom gave me her journal - it lets me know that it's okay to not be the most confident mom in the world.

  • IamKelleyK@xanga

    @comparedtoyou@xanga - That's a really great idea.  I bet you have enjoyed reading that journal.  What a good gift idea for her when she grows up.  Thanks for sharing!
  • happygirl7798@xanga

    I didn't feel like that with either of my children as babies.  My second one is still a baby.  My oldest one is 10 and now I feel like I might not be quite up to par on motherhood.  I feel like I do great from birth to about 5 and then I am not sure how great I am.  I think the crying doesn't bother me it is when they can talk and tell you what you may or may not be doing wrong.  I think I realized that my child is loved and cared for and that I am going to make mistakes and I hope that in the end my children are not in therapy as adults talking about how awful I was. 
  • moonlight58@xanga

    @comparedtoyou@xanga - That parenting journal is such a great idea--wish i had thought of that when mine were babies! 

  • moonlight58@xanga

    I cried every day when my first son was born. I knew i was not prepared for such an intense and grand responsibility...but somehow i managed to take each day, with the help of my husband and his family, as it came, and never tried to do it all myself.   I am sure you are a fantastic mom--the love that you so obviously have for her is apparent even on paper. You are  going to be an awesome mom!  :)  (Not that you're not now...lol.)
  • rainbwbrite@xanga

    I constantly was checking to see that my daughter was still breathing.  I had no idea the amount of worry that comes along with having a newborn.  I spent as much time awake from her crying as I did worrying about her either getting ill, being hungry, or SIDS.  After having her home for two months, I only hold my finger under her nose twice a day as compared to the 30 times a day her first week home.

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