Tuesday, 16 December 2008
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When Should You Talk to Your Child About the Facts of Life?
Guest post submitted by Kristenmomof3
Someone I know was emailing with me and said she was talking with her 5 year old about "that time of the month" because she asked.
This really made me think. My daughter is 7 and I'm not even close to thinking about talking with her about that stuff yet.At what age should you talk to your girls about womanly issues? What age did you find out about them?
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Comments (43)
Hm good question. I have a 4 1/2 year old little girl who is very curious, and nosey at that! Once while taking a shower, she came in and managed to have a search party in the bathroom, looking through my under the sink bags. She found a tampon and asked what it was. At first, I was stumped, I mean 4 yrs old? What do I say?
It took me back to the pet goldfish dying, and me saying I didnt want to be one of those moms who lie and replace it before she notices, so I Mommed- up. and told her the truth, hoping she wouldnt ask what a tampon was for.
She didnt. at least not at the moment. a few weeks later, she came across them again, asking what it was again. I told her "Mommy told you that was a Tampon" She replied "I know but what is this for"
I said to her "Its for Big girls. Its not for you"
-but she didnt like that response. she needed to know, and kept throwing the questions. So I had no choice. I sat her down and told her that when girls grow up, they all go through puberty and I knew she didnt understand that now. But a tampon is what you will use when you get older every month. I left it at that and for now, shes satisfied!
I didnt think Id be teling my 4 yr old about this, but it really depends on how mature they are, and how much information you give...
Hmmmm...this is a question that I struggle with, too. I first heard about that time of month from my mom, I'm sure. I just dont really remember it. What I do remember is learning about it in sex ed in the fourth grade. Our class (all together, boys and girls) watched this hilarious cartoon video in class. Even then, it was hilarious. Um, that's how I learned about that time of month. Later I actually asked my mom about it and we talked about if it would hurt and what to do about "Aunt flow," although my mom never called it "Aunt flow." I didn't have to worry about it until seventh grade. But I know girls are starting their periods earlier and earlier. I figure I want to talk to my child about that type of stuff before they see it on tv or hear about it in school. I think it's probably fine to talk about it to a five year old if they already know enough to ask about it. But, you know, you're not going to talk to a five year old the same way you'd talk to an eleven year old. If it just doesn't come up, I guess by the time they're eight or nine I would want them to at least know about it. I had a friend in school that said she started when she was nine and didn't know at all what was happening and was really scared. Then she talked to her mom. If I had been her mom, I would have regretted not talking to her about it sooner. Nine seems really young to have begun menstrating, but I don't think it's exactly uncommon. Everyone's different, I guess. I was a very late bloomer compared to all the other girls in my class. I'm anxious to hear other people's take on this.
NOT at five or seven! Yikes! My rule of thumb for such things was "When She Asks," or when that teachable moment presented itself. However, always share only what a child can understand at whatever age they may be, Just because they ask, doesn't mean they need to know the whole story. It might be enough to just say, "That's for Mommies." Then change the subject! That's why God gave kids short attention spans, right?
BTW: I don't think Moms should EVER speak of menses negatively. Never complain about it. Never justify bad behavior with it. Menses is HEALTHY and GODLY. It is uncomfortable, because of the Fall. However, it is a blessing.
I warned Hannah when she was just beginning puberty that she would hear people complain about their period. I told her to ignore that and never participate in it. I told her not having a period means something is wrong, so be thankful for it.
I also told her to ignore women who complain about their pain or discomfort during pregnancy and delivering. All of that talk plants seed of fear. I didn't tell her it wasn't hard or uncomfortable or painful, but I told her that is why it is called "labor" and God would help her through it. It's a beautiful thing, with a great reward.
In other words, I encourage Moms to paint it all in a good light. The world wants girls and women to hate their femininity, their womanhood. They want to destroy what God has given us alone. We have to counter that with truth and faith.
My daughter is 4 and we've already had a few little talks about where babies come from. She has seen my re-usable pads in the clean laundry and has asked about them but I have not gone in to detail just yet, I will probably get more detailed in the next year or so depending on when she wants to know more.
@BooksForMe@xanga - I agree! There are too many women out there who talk in a negative about what naturally happens to their bodies and it drives me crazy! I plan to teach my daughter in a very similar way that you have described in your comment. My daughter is very curious about babies and where they come from so that is the subject we talk about right now.
@BooksForMe@xanga - i love the idea of telling your daughter that she shouldn't listen to the people who complain, and that there is only something wrong when you DON'T have a period. At such a young age, she may be scared to get it when there are people telling her its a bad thing.
well, I'm not a mom (yet) but I hope that I would do it at a time when curiousness was evident. Just using age appropriate responses and following up later when necessary. Not lying is key. Besides, I would hate for my kid to find out from someone else in a less then appropriate manner.
I don't have girls but I feel that you should answer any questions they ask honestly in a age appropriate way.
Everything I learned about my body and sex came from sex ed classes. My mom was uncomfortable with the topic so she basically ignored it. I will not do the same with my boys. Somethings I feel should at least be started by the parent, rather then relying on the school or the child's friends to fill in the gaps of knowledge.
I agree with the other commenters... if a question comes up, you should answer honestly but also appropriate for the age. I do not think 7 is too young to talk about periods.
I think that it's good to keep an open, honest dialogue with children, no matter how young they are. You don't have to give a science-book answer, just try to use terms they would understand. I think one of the biggest mistakes parents make is holding out information or making a child feel uncomfortable about going to them with personal stuff by treating it like it's taboo. That's when they learn stuff from their peers, or even worse, from bad sources of information (like older kids with bad motives, porn, etc). I've seen it over and over again though - parents make a child feel uncomfortable about sexuality (menstration is a part of sexuality) and then their child ends up pregnant and the parents are completely shocked. But I don't think 5 and 7 is too young at all to be open and honest.
@BooksForMe@xanga - I understand what you're saying, but early in puberty, a period can be very irregular. Is it a good idea to tell a young girl that not having a period means something is wrong? Wouldn't that put worry in her mind if she knows her period is supposed to come every month, but it doesn't at first? But, yes, I agree 100% that we should be positive about our bodies.
my mom taught me when i was like 12
7 is definitely not too young to start talking about it, especially since there are 7 year olds out there who have started their period.
@neverdie373@xanga - seriously??? Started at 7. Please let her not start until 12 or 13.
I guess I will just keep my eyes peeled for signs of impending puberty and give them the full-blown talk when I think it is the best time. If my kids ask questions, I will share things in whatever terms are appropriate for their age or maturity level. I don't want to treat it as something awkward, or else it will be. I want it to just be something normal that they can talk to me about whenever they want.
my mom started mentioning it when I was 9/10, which is about the age that they inform you in school.
I see no harm in being honest about things like, "you'll grow boobs, get hairy," etc. I would encourage her to ask me if she has any questions, maybe get her a book for her to read (thats what I did when I was 11).
if a 5 year old asked, I would tell her.
I want to have open and honest communication with my kids, and I want them to come to me with questions or whatever.
@TornadoChaser - That's the same thing that happened to me. It took my mom finding my sex books on the day I got married to realize that I was old enough to find out what sex was!
I dont think you should keep it a secret but Im not gonna straight out tell my kids. But hey, if they ask Im not gonna beat around the bush. I wont go into detail but I'll tell them the basics, "When girls turn into little ladies, once a month some blood might come out of their coochie. Its not bad. Its a good thing."
I don't have kids, but I remember my mom put off those kinds of talks as long as she could. Matter of fact, we never really had any "talks." I learned about sex and menstruating in school, and when I finally got my period, I didn't tell her. I kept it a secret for a veryyyyy long time; I was scared and embarrassed, and in a way, it made me feel disconnected from her, seeing that my girl friends my age all had talks with their mothers.
She still doesn't like bringing up personal things like that...
Just my opinion, but I think it'd be best to at least make your daughter aware of the changes that WILL happen to her sometime before it actually does.
my mom & a friend of hers who is a pediatrician do biblical style sex-ed discussion for the kids & their parents at her church. their theory is that the school is going to give scientific responses only & they wanted to provide an educational & biblical experience for people who are releigous.
the pediatrician recommended start at age 8 if they haven't asked before that. so they offer the seminar for 8 year olds & their parents & hold a q&a discussion group. the reason the pediatrician recommends age 8 is because that's typically when most kids become aware, curious & start to hear stuff about it from other kids at their school. so it's best to build your childs confidence in you & tell them the truth yourself.
(ironically, my mom was HORRIBLE at telling me about the facts of life. i got 'if you do it before your married you'll go to hell'. yeeeaah. great one. and to teach me about my period she gave me a little phamplet that had talking flowers discussing menstration. brilliant.)
anyway, the pediatrician uses the American Girls book called Your Body & You (i think it's something like that, i can't recall of the top of my head) and it's really well done.
i got the book for my daughter when she was 8 & we read it together & talked about a lot of different things & it went really well. i believe in answering honestly AND appropriately. which can be tricky, but i'll tell her anything she wants to know. i want her to grow up trusting me & telling me the truth.
my mom talked to me about puberty when i was 8. i started getting boobs when i was 9. age 7 is definitely not too young, in my opinion. there's nothing wrong with talking about puberty. it's not like it's some big scary evil secret. it happens to everyone. you never know when the changes will start for her, and it's probably better that she know what's happening instead of not knowing and being totally terrified by it.
I don't believe there is a certain "age" when it's appropriate to have such discussions. I believe that when a kid is ready to know, they'll ask. And yes, you should always answer honestly and age appropriately.
There is definitely not a set age you can start to talk about these things. Girls go through puberty at different ages. I didn't hit it until I was around 16. My sister started when she was 13. I know my best friend started younger than that. It just all depends on when they ask questions. I learned about it at school, for the most part. I don't think I ever really asked my mom about those things. I think if your daughter asks, then tell her. If you started at an early age, then I would suggest start talking to her about it soon. My mom started when she was 17 -- so I had plenty of friends to inform me of that stuff. I was the last of my friends to hit it. =)
@IamKelleyK@xanga -
Oh, yes, of course. You want her to understand that it may be irregular sometimes. That wasn't what I meant. In fact, I believe it's also important to teach that very thing, because too often the doctor says a woman must have a period every 28 days and if she doesn't she should be put on some synthetic hormone. I have heard of many young girls being put on birth control pills so that they could have a "regular" period. How unhealthy is that?
I only have boys so I most likely wont have to cross this bridge, but I would recommend by age 8 or 9. I started my cycle when I was in 4th grade - a full month BEFORE the school did their presentation and long before my mom was planning to talk about it (assuming she ever was). I only knew what was happening because some of my friends had older sisters and one had started hers already. Actually, she's the one who whisked me off to the nurse
I did get asked by my middle school boys today though how a boy would know they were going through puberty. Eek! I responded with something about smelling and growing hair. Not sure how I'll explain all of the bits I wasn't going to discuss in class to my own boys.