Monday, 15 December 2008
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Clean Up That Room!!!
by Mama Monkey About a month ago, I started trying a new method with my oldest son (8) - who can be a bit messy. We were having real problems with his room being a mess, had tried other things and I was sick of the fight. So, he was told that once a week, on Sundays, I would go in his room and anything not put away would be taken away. He won't get any of it back until I don't have to take anything away for 2 weeks straight. Well, so far, he hasn't gotten anything back and I am getting quite the collection of toys. So far, I have mainly been putting them in this laundry basket ...
I know it may not look like much, but most of the stuff he is getting taken away are smaller things and there are 4 boxes in there full of lego pieces, action figure parts ... and stuff like that. But anyhow, there really is more depth to this blog.
The thing I am wondering (because he, of course seems to think so) is if I am being unreasonable. I am, admittedly, a bit of a neat freak and it is one of my fears that I will unwittingly pass this off to my children or be too hard on them because of it. I try very hard not be be too particular, but I expect things to be picked up. Yes, if I am the one picking up, everything has a 'right' place to be - the legos are organized by color and each drawer has a certain purpose (i.e. dress up stuff, super hero/action figure stuff). However, it is not like I am going through things and taking stuff away because he is not putting it away 'right', it just needs to be picked up.
He, like was other 8 year olds I think, believes I am being completely unfair. He says it is his room and doesn't understand why it matters if he keeps it clean or messy. We also have different definition of 'picked up'. To him, as long as it is not on the floor, it is picked up. He has a love seat and a small table in his room and his solution to picking up is to go in and throw anything that is on the floor onto one of those. To me, this is not acceptable. He has plenty of drawer and shelf space (we even put more shelves in his room because that was one of his complaints) and to me throwing his coat on the couch instead of putting it on the hook 3 feet away is just plain lazy.
I tried to talk to him about it last night, but you really can't reason with an 8 year old. I explained to him that it isn't so much about him being neat and tidy as it is about him showing responsibility for his things. It is about being able to find things when you want them, as this is another of his big complaints. If it is put away, then it is much easier to find. I tried to use a comparison for him - though it didn't seem to help much. I asked him what would happen if he woke up in the morning and went in the kitchen to get his breakfast, but I had completely reorganized (or rather UN-organized the kitchen) with a couple bowls in one cupboard, a few more in a different on and yet others in a drawer with some towels. Then took the silverware and just kind of scattered it around the kitchen, throwing it wherever it was most convenient at the time. I asked him if it would be very easy for him to find the things he needed to get his breakfast. Of course, he just huffed at me and buried his head in his pillow. (I think he saw my point, but didn't want to admit it.)
And, as much as I hated to do it, I pointed out that he is under my roof and needs to follow my rules - whether he likes it or not. The question I have for you all is if this is an unreasonable rule. I don't think it is uncommon for kids to have to keep their rooms picked up (though he thinks he is the ONLY ONE in his school who has to do it) but -like I said - I feel I need to be careful in this area because of my obsession and tendency to take it too far. I really just don't know and I don't want to end up 'scarring' my child because I am being unreasonable.
What do you think? Are your kids expected to keep their rooms clean, or do you figure it is their space and they can do with it as they please?
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Comments (49)
I can't say. But I can say what I have done. While they were young (one still is), the room has to be picked up. For the reasons you stated as well as one other. I point out to them that people buy them things they think they will enjoy for gifts and such and I think it is disrespectful to NOT take care of things given to them. When mine hit middle school, I shut the door and their room was their business. If they wanted clean clothes they had to make sure they made it to the laundry room because I wasn't going in there to try to figure out what was clean and what was not. The girls rooms were not too bad but my oldest son, would probably have been condemned by the health department! Now my girls all take very good care of their homes and well, my oldest son is in college and with a small dorm room that you are sharing, you really have no choice (of course I'm just guessing because I haven't been in there since the day we moved him in), but when he comes home, it takes two seconds for stuff to be everywhere! I have one little one at home and he is still under the, pick up and put away rules. I take comfort in the fact that I know grown men who were terrible slobs and are now neat as a pin adults. So, I think it will all work out in the end.
Well, it's not like you're going to cause psychological damage or anything. My mom used to threaten to send all my toys to underprivileged kids because I obviously didn't care enough to pick them up. Long story short, I was a slob until I had to start cleaning up after myself (read: after I moved into the dorms, and then into my apartment). I finally realized that it was easier to just keep it clean rather than have to take a whole day to clean once a week or whatever. He'll figure it out. Although it would be kind of funny if you did un-organize the kitchen just to prove your point. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't think you're being too hard, it's a good lesson and he'll learn it in time.
I like the idea of instilling respect for things that were lovingly given to kids. It's a good way to encourage picking up and also appreciated by those who buy gifts for the child.
I don't think you're being too harsh. As long as he clearly knows your expectations, then it sounds fine. He doesn't have to like your expectations, just understand them. So far he's making his choice and getting things taken away....will be interesting to see how long that lasts! Keep us posted!
i've always thought a clean room equaled a wasted life. my room is often organized chaos... when i am forced to 'clean it up' stuff usually ends up getting lost. eh.
Go you!!
I have not only cleaned out rooms, I've gotten RID of the toys. Yup. I'm a mean Momma.
I think that keeping things picked up shows 1) respect for your items and pride in your home, and 2) cuts back on the chaos a child may feel from a disasterous area. While it's important for kids to learn to pick up after themselves (nobody later in life likes when other people are slobs), it's also important not to set them up for failure. Instead of insisting the legos are categorized by color, meet him in the middle and be appreciative that he puts them away. Show him that there is a place for everything and that you expect him to put things away, but don't freak out if something isn't perfectly folded. KWIM?
I'm gonna admit it: I'm messy.
Honestly, when I was a kid, I asked the same thing of my parents: why do I have to clean-up my room if it's MY room.
I understand the argument that I am living under my parents' roof, I should respect their rules. I also like the first commenter's argument about having respect for the things people give you as gifts. However, I don't really buy into the other arguments. While I understand your kitchen analogy, some people just don't have a natural instinct to keep things "tidy", so remembering that such-and-such spot is for such-an-such object is anything but natural to them. I'm not sure if that made sense.
Like someone else said, whenever I try to clean, I actually end up losing things because I forgot where I put them. Moreover, sometimes I specifically place important things in a certain place so I don't lose them (trying to be orderly), and then because they are not just laying around, I can't find them anymore (for some reason, though I always remind myself to remember where I'm putting something important, I always forget).
Anyway, I don't think you're being unreasonable, but on the other hand, I don't really understand why it matters so much. Personally, I can live with somewhat messy, just as long as it's not DIRTY (you know, dirty laundry everywhere, food left out, etc... though those kinds of problems probably don't apply to an 8 year old).
I think when I was young, positive reinforcement worked best. It doesn't have to be a material reward... it could be an activity or anything. My parents used to ground me, throw everything in a garbage bag and make me put it back in its place, send me to my room to clean for the day, etc. None of that really worked. I had to keep my room clean for 2 months and then my parents re-did my room... paint, border, carpet, etc. The agreement was that the punishment would be MUCH harsher in the future if I did not keep it clean... no allowance, no privelages, and items on the floor in the trash. It did get better, probably not as much as they'd like it, but in the end... I learned to clean once I moved out and had my own place. I believe some people's personalities make it so that they are okay living with some clutter and others don't. It's hard to change that, and really I don't think it ever can truely be changed.
I think it's hilarious that kids, 8 or 18, while being completely supported by their parents, say, "It's my room." I love when Bill Cosby, in an episode of "The Cosby Show," told his TV son, "You have nothing!" Your son has nothing! You give him whatever he has, so he must be a steward of those things while he's under your care. I'm with the "mean Momma." My in-laws used to trash the stuff that wasn't cleaned up. It doesn't matter if he has a tendency toward neatness or not--he's a child. Even when he's in middle or high school, he'll be a child, and he needs to live by your rules. Why should a little one have to put things away, but big brother gets to trash the place? That's inconsistent.
My 15-month-old puts her toys away every night before bed. It's a daily routine, and she never protests. We hope to have many children, and I just can't do everything. I see my friend, a mother of 4, who hasn't required anything of her children, drowning in housework. I want to teach my kids to contribute to the family and help one another. When my daughter is older, I will gradually teach her to help me with other things. And she gets praised when she does.
When I was a kid, my mom was what my grandma called "a buzzard." She never taught me to clean, and I was so embarrassed. I could never have friends over because I lived in a dirty dump. I wish she had instilled in me what you're teaching your son. When I went away to college, I "rebelled" by becoming a neat freak such as yourself. I couldn't stand living in squaller anymore. I want my kids to be proud to bring their friends over to my house and to their own homes when they're of age. And I want them to be proud that they helped to make our home look so nice.
My mom always said that that you had to be able to see the floor and that all laundry must be put away, clean in the closet, dirty in the basket. Besides that I didn't have to have my whole room clean unless company was coming over, in which case I would have at least a days warning.
I don't think you're being unfair. Kids should learn to pick up after themselves. My mother expected us to keep our room clean, but it was a little different with us. My sister and I shared a room and if we didn't keep it neat, we'd be drowning in each other's stuff and never know where anything was. With my own son, I will insist he keep it neat. When he's a teenager, he can do whatever he wants. Hopefully, he'll choose to keep it neat.
I don't think you're being too harsh. I'm almost wondering if you're not being harsh enough. By which I mean I think everyday might be more beneficial to him, as it will help it become habitual much faster. I imagine that his room can become prettty messy within a week. And I think the whole point is to have him clean it up as soon as it starts to get messy, so he isn't used to living in a messy room.
you are not being unreasonable...
Sounds like a good method to me...He will get the idea and keep it picked up...
Good way to help the kids learn how to keep their toys put away...I may try it when I have children someday...
@SpeshelK@xanga - It's not inconsistent. Older children have different rules all the time. An example is bedtimes. Another is curfew. As children grow they must be given more choices. If you are constantly deciding everything for them, and they are living under rules as if they were still under 10 years old, they don't learn how to make their own decisions in life, they don't become independent, you are not preparing them for adult life when you are not there to make the rules for them. They will make mistakes and hopefully learn from them.
Relax. It IS his room and his space to mess up. However, you should make it clear that anything that get damaged because of the mess is his responsibility to fix, which is more a real-world situation than taking away his toys. So for example, if he steps on his toy because it's on the floor and it breaks, replacing or repairing it comes out of his allowance.
I don't think it's unfair. My mom makes both my brother and me have our rooms picked up. He complains about it all the time- because he's not a neat freak. But he knows he will get grounded if he doesn't. So usually that makes him step up his game. Only when he gets yelled at will he actually do it.
Now I on the other hand, am a neat freak, taking after my mother. I can't SLEEP with anything on the floor or in my sight. So I automatically pick up my room when I make a mess. Occassionally though, if it is a really big mess, I may wait until morning. For example, I was trying to find something to wear and my whole room is a disaster zone. I have to go to school- so I have no time to pick it up. After school, I had things to do and homework- so my room isn't picked up until 10 or 11 at night. My mom understands that. Although, she may still yell at me. :]
Personally, I think what you are doing is fine...except that 2 weeks is an eternity to an 8 year old. It would seem to me, that by giving it back to him in a lesser amount of time, he might appreciate it being gone more than holding out so long. Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder in an 8 year old...they just move along to another one of the gazillion toys they have. Perhaps at the end of the week as a reward rather than a punishment you could let him pick which toy he missed the most and get it back?
It is NOT his room. It is your room (is your son's name on the mortgage?) and because you are his mother and you love him, you want him to live in that room and play with the toys you purchased for him. He is a little boy. You are an adult. You make the rules, he can opt to obey them or not. You are not beating him or locking him in a closet - you are growing a responsible young man. I see no down-side.
My mom was a total neat freak and she did take it too far. Not only did it have to be picked up but it had to be put away 'right'.
I don't think you are going overboard at all. From what you've said you've repeatedly asked him to clean him room and then you told him what the consequences would be. Taking away toys isn't going to kill him. Don't worry.
Whenever you give an ultimatum (? not sure if that's what this is lol) you have to stick by it. You made it clear what you wanted and he decided to break it. Oh well. Too bad for him.
btw always stick by your rules and consequences. If you dont that just leads kids to decide that you are easy and testable and will expect you to go lax on other rules as well.
The wya I see it when you're a kid your room is your space; it's one place you have control over. It shouldn't be dirty or disgusting and food shouldn't be left around, but really it's their place; don't leave marble on the floor or something anyone's gonna trip over but other than that I don't see the problem with a messy room.
My parents tried to make us clean our room (my sister and I shared), but it never stuck. They are so cluttered themselves that we never listened. Now that I live on my own, it's so much better for me to have a clean apartment. I'm with you, I don't think you are being too harsh. I'll probably make my children pick up after themselves as well. Good job!
@oQduckieQo@xanga - That was actually one of the problems we were having before. He would come whining to me saying that he didn't have any clean underwear the day after I did all the laundry and I would go in his room to find underwear all over the place! I just think that is gross, but it doesn't seem to bother him.
@TheDumberScott@xanga - I thought about making it a daily thing, but the truth is that his room really doesn't get too messy on weekdays because he is busy with other things (school, homework, wrestling...) and that is why we went with the Sunday night thing.
@sugartomyhoney@xanga - My husband was messy as a kid and he never had to clean up at all (they always had a cleaning lady that even cleaned his room). When we first got married, he seriously didn't even know how to use a vacuum. He has gotten better, but can still be pretty messy. I really wish his parents would have done more to instill in him a responsibility to clean up after himself.
I think you're being completely reasonable. I picked up some tips to use on my little brother thanks!
Don't worry, he's only 8, everything can change. I was so messy as a child mom hired someone to help me clean my room once. Eventually, school forced me to become more neat and organized.
Now I am the tidiest in the house. My parents didn't even have to do anything.
I love it! After reading this post, I shared the story with my husband. We both think it's a great idea, and I'm going to try to remember this method when my kids don't keep their rooms clean!
Good luck!
We were expected to try and keep our bedrooms tidy when we were kids, my mum used to see every item on the floor she would knocked off 1p our pocket money (it worked)
Now we are adults my sister room get the most messy than mine, we just shut the door now so if we have guests up their dont get a shock.