Friday, 05 December 2008
-
Thoughts on Miscarriage
by Mama Hippo 
It seems pregnancy is all around me these days (NO not me, I'm quite happy with one kid for now). One friend recently made her announcement, I have another for whom it's (hopefully) in the works, and this morning I found out that one of my favorite bloggers is also knocked up. Wonderful, wonderful stuff.
Unfortunately, weeks/months before that, miscarriage seemed to be everywhere. Various internet acquaintances were letting on to their experiences, and it was heartbreaking to read.
It's a usually-unquestioned wisdom of pregnancy that you don't share your news until you are out of your first trimester, which is considered the "danger zone." Those first 12-13 weeks (amazing how much debate still goes into seemingly simple things like pregnancy math... who knew) are when chances of miscarriage are the highest. Miscarriage is astoundingly common-- it is estimated that 20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage, and I've read that every woman has probably 2 miscarriage in her life (though many of these happen before you even knew you were pregnant to begin with).
It's something that so many women experience, yet is hardly ever talked about. That's changing somewhat-- the aforementioned (or aforelinked?) bloggers are changing that stigma. And I completely understand that for many, if not most, women it's just be too painful to have to relay the dreadful news over and over to people who ask about their pregnancy, if the news was revealed "too early."
But reading about the experiences of these women, I also felt ill thinking of all the women who've gone through such despair and turmoil, mourning the loss of their would-be child, without ever telling anyone. Having to suffer alone, in silence. When a friend or family member, or heck even a pet, dies, loved ones flock in to provide support. But a pregnancy ending is treated as a dirty little secret. Does that make any sense?
I'm grateful not to have had personal experience with this, so I also may just not understand. With D, we told a small group of close family and friends pretty early on (6-8weeks) and told everyone else at about 10 weeks, after our 2nd ultrasound confirming that everything was going well. I wonder what we'll do next time, when it's time to give D a sibling.
What are your thoughts?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to momaroo's Momaroo Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in momaroo's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
Comments (31)
...Haha. I told everyone the day I found out. I was only 4 weeks pregnant. =)
And i'll do it again next time. And the time after that.
My first pregnacy ended in miscarrage. I had four healthy children after that.
It seems this fear of telling affects women who have experienced a miscarrage before more than women who have not known such an event. It does change how you look at the first trimester. In what I've seen, women tell people they are pregnant early on depending how comfortable they are dealing with loss and how trusting they are of those people in their life with such a personal, emotional event.
But, isn't this true of what comes later in parenting, too? So many difficult, dangerous situations arise, and parents need to asses who they trust to lean on, who to go for advice, who will offer them the right kind of support. Pregnancy is a good time to get started gathering those friends and mentors closely.
~whatever!
With my first, we told everyone at 9 weeks - after a sonogram showed the baby's heartbeat.
My second pregnancy was very soon after my first and the doctor told us that because they were so close together the chance of miscarriage was higher. So we didn't tell anyone until 12 weeks.
I, too, am lucky that I have not had to experience going through a miscarriage. But my thoughts and prayers are with anyone who has, and I hope they get the support they need and deserve.
I had a miscarriage before I got pregnant with my daughter. My first pregnancy, my first baby. We tried for 7 months before we got pregnant and we were so excited we told EVERYONE. My inlaws were so excited and cried and sent congrats flowers the next day (we found out at 9pm on a friday night) my family was so excited. My friends, over the top. It was what we had all been waiting for. Everyone at work was told, the whole 9. Monday I went to the dr and was spotting but he said that was ok. I was 8 weeks along. Wednesday I was bleeding really bad at work and went to the ER and lost the baby.
I will never tell anyone until my 2nd trimester when we have another baby. It was hard to have people ask and hard to tell them. People that didnt know asked how the baby was and how I was and breaking that news over again sucked. Other people just didnt know how to act and felt bad. It was hard enough but that just made it harder. I will suffer in silence (me and my husband) should something that awful ever happen. We pray it doesnt but cant control something like that. It is hard and it was hard to deal with. I pray we never have to go through a miscarriage again. My heart goes out to those that have gone through a miscarriage.
As someone who has gone through 5 miscarriages, I have so many thoughts on this subject. My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 13 weeks. I had waited until after 12 weeks to tell everyone. After the miscarriage it was nice to have support, but so hard to "untell" everyone. I had people approaching me 6 months later to ask about the baby. My second pregnancy also ended in miscarriage. This time no one knew except my husband and I. Having absolutely no support was hard, but at least I didn't have to deal with painful comments even months down the road. When I finally got pregnant with my son nearly 2 years later I told a very select few family members and friends the day I found out. People I knew I could trust to support me and to not spread the news until I was ready. I now have three children and have also had 3 more miscarriages. I follow the same pattern with every pregnancy. I hate being cynical about pregnancy, but I've learned from experience that a positive pregnancy does not always equal a baby nine months down the road. It's hard to find that balance between getting the support you need and setting yourself up for added pain. I think it's something every woman has to figure out for herself.
With my first, we told family and close friends around 6 weeks. Then we told the rest of our friends (basically didn't hide it) after the first sono showed a heartbeat. With the second we told family early again but waited to tell everyone else until after the sono. I think as long as a mother tells someone (especially another female) right away, she will have the support she needs if miscarriage should happen. But yeah, I would wait to tell the aquaintances until a little later on so you don't have to deal with all the questions if something goes wrong.
I've never experienced a miscarriage but I would guess that I would be super leery of telling everyone after that. I do think people react funny to pregnancy news in general. I've had 5 children and by the 5th one people weren't as happy for us. They just looked at me like I was crazy. So we only told family and select close friends with my 5th. Everyone else found out when they saw my belly or we had a new kid in the Christmas picture. LOL! It sounds horrible but people can be so weird about MY life. I don't get that but I do understand others wanting to be careful about sharing their news. I'm never offended when I'm the last to know a friend is pregnant.
I lost our first, after telling friends/family at 4 weeks and work at 8. It is insanely hard not telling anyone this time, having ZERO support for the huge horrible worry that drives me to tears almost every day. I'd feel different if this pregnancy were different somehow, but I feel great (same) and saw a heartbeat at 6 1/2 weeks (same).
I like talking about my child, it's horrible to pretend they never existed...but the reactions you get from some people are so dismissive that it's worse than pretending they never existed. It was also so hard getting surprised by people you didn't know knew you were pregnant, so they didn't find out the baby was gone. That happened to me for months.
The lack of research and public support for miscarriage is totally disappointing. Something like 40% of miscarriages could be prevented, but all the public cares about is stopping abortion, even though the two are responsible for similar amounts of losses. And making us aware that a 7 week old fetus feels pain. Thank you for reminding me that my baby might have suffered horribly while I blissfully thought I was still going to have a baby. Even our doctors are cold and matter of fact, as if all your dreams and your very identity as a mother hadn't just gotten ripped away.
I dont think you can fully understand until you have gone through it.
I think a big difference between death of a loved one and a miscarriage is the name factor. Most babies dont have a name yet when the miscarriage happens. It isnt someone years of attachment has brought you close to. Never someone you could hug or hold. But that doesnt make it any less real.
And you are never out of the woods... Babies die before birth - sometimes late into pregnancy. Babies die after birth. Unfortunately it all happens frequently. I dont think there is any easy way to talk about it or mourn.
I have never been through a miscarriage myself, but have a sister and a friend who have both had 2. My sister's were between child #1 and (eventually) child #2 and my friend has had two miscarriages and no successful pregnancies yet. After seeing them go through it, I have to say I am glad I have never had to experience it and consider myself very fortunate that I haven't.
I have always been one that wanted to wait unitl after the first trimester to tell anyone ... including family. With my first, nobody knew until I was 4 1/2 months pregnant, but that was more because - being 18 and just off to college at the time - I was even denying it to myself. But with the next ones, I was kind of forced into telling everyone. With my second, I had to have my appendix out when I was 8 weeks pregnant and had to explain to my mother that they didn't just rush me into surgery because they had to make sure it was my appendix and not an eptopic pregnancy and that is how people found out I was pregnant with #2. With #3, I had to go try on bridesmade dresses when I was about 9 weeks along for a wedding I would be 6 1/2 months pregnant during, so I had to explain that to be able to get a dress that would work when the time came. And with the current one, I had to cancel a hand surgery I was supposed to have the week after I found out I was pregnant, so my family found out when I was only like 4 weeks along. So, sometimes - even if you don't want to tell - you kind of get pushed into it and that really sucks. But, like I said, I consider myself very blessed that I have never had to 'untell' anyone.
With my first child I never gave it a thought that anything could go wrong. I was 20 at the time and just assumed that everything would be alright. When dh and I started trying for a second child 9 years later, I was older and had been through nursing school so I was more aware of what could go wrong. It took us almost a year and one miscarriage before baby J arrived. I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks. We had already told some of our family and I was so excited. We continued to try and when I had a positive test again we didn't tell anyone. My sister for a long time was the only one who knew. I think she had a psychic connection to my uterus. Both times that I had a positive test she would call the next day to find out if I was pregnant. We waited to tell L until we had our second sono at 9 weeks. I had one at 6 weeks but still felt like it was too early to tell him. After that we told everyone but I was scared to tell them. I was afraid that by telling them it would make this all come to an end. It was irrational but losing one baby really rocked my world. Thankfully I have a healthy, beautiful baby boy.
If you never had a miscarriage, you will never fully understand. My husband and I lost our first child in our 2nd trimester. We had waited for weeks, until it was considered "safe" and then told everyone we knew....even random people in the grocery store. We were so excited. When we were told that there was no longer a heart beat, we were devastated. My sister, who I thought would understand and be somewhat sympathetic, considering we were good friends, told me to, I quote: "get over it". It's been two years now and since then we have had a healthy baby girl...and I am still not "over it". I no longer feel intense sadness or cry but I still think about our first baby and feel sad that I wasn't able to hold it in my arms.
Others have told me that it was Mother Nature’s way of taking care of a deformed or sick child. Or that God knew that I couldn't handle a child with a sickness. I can't speak for everyone, but I loved that baby and would have loved it no matter how it looked or how deformed it was. I really think that woman who haven't gone through a miscarriage, should be really careful about the stupid things they say to those who have. A hug or an “I’m thinking about you” would have been just fine.
Even before my first missed period with Sean -- I knew something was up. I joked with Derek saying that I was and wouldn't know until my period -- but I knew. When I was two days late -- I took a test and it was positive. I told my close friends and family -- I left telling the in-laws up to my husband.
I have not had to deal with a miscarriage, but my mother told me after I had my little man that she was pregnant and total of ten times. Four of them became children (one of which died very young from SIDS), two of them were abortions, and the other four were miscarriages. I had never known about that until then... it was kind of disappointing to hear she had lost that many but at the same time giving up on two of them. I am pro-choice, so I am not downing her, but I just couldn't believe it when she told me.
None of my friends have kids & I have just recently started to try and make friends with women near me that have kids (but it is so hard to find them that understand me -- as I am young and have different values). So I haven't had to hear about a friend getting pregnant and losing a baby.
We told family and close friends right away when we found out. I think I was only about 6 weeks along. I was worried about having a miscarriage, but at the same time, I was ecstatic of being pregnant with my first child. I would count down each week with excitement, because it meant another week of safety. (Although I do realize you can lose a baby at any point of the pregnancy). Then I had a miscarriage scare. I was 13 weeks pregnant when I started
bleeding. I was home alone when it happened and told to come to the
hospital right away. I was crying so badly, I have no idea how I managed
to drive to the hospital. Fortunately, I did not lose my baby. Now I have a healthy baby boy. With my next pregnancy, I will definitely wait until the second trimester to announce the news.
After two miscarriages (one no one knew, not even my husband knew yet, second one we told everyone and had to call and tell them the bad news) as hard as they both where, because of the support I got in the sond miscarriage, it was the reason I chose to tell everyone early in my daughter's pregnancies. (14 months and 1 month olds!!!)
The support made all the difference in the world!
I didnt tell anyone I was pregnant and it was easier not to have to tell anyone we had lost the baby but it was also hard because people kept coming over when I just wanted to be left alone. I told people I was sick, but then because I looked fine they just kept visiting.
I think with most people who have a miscarriage they want to start trying again for a baby straight away. For me I found out I need to have heart surgery and cant have a baby at all, so the one we lost lays heavily on my mind. If i do "accidently" get pregnant after I have heart surgery there would be a high chance of having to have an abortion at any time because my heart wouldnt be strong enough to support the baby as well as myself so if things went badly i would need an abortion to save my life (something I doubt I would ever do especially after having a miscarriage) and also there is a scan I would need to have for baby at 5 months to see if baby was likely to have a heart condition as well which could also result in an abortion (again not really an option i would take) so if I ever did get pregnant I would wait at least until after 5 months before telling anyone so that if anything did go wrong, I wouldnt have to tell anyone that I couldnt keep the baby.
My mom miscarried before having me. My dad bought her this pretty little small fake tree with bells on it, so that when someone walks in the room it rings and reminds her that everything is okay. I talked to her about it once, and she told me that it's funny how things work out, because if the child had been born they might not have tried to make me. So things do eventually work themselves out, it seems. It's just a shame that it's treated like such a bad secret.
miscarriage is a nightmare.
With my daughter, I told everyone I was pregnant when I had just found out. I was 9 weeks along.
In June of this year, I had a miscarriage. I was 11 weeks along, due on the 27th of this month. I've come to realize why woman sometimes decide not to tell anyone. I still wonder to myself what s/he would have looked like, how big s/he would have been, etc. When I speak of these things to my husband...he just wants nothing to do with it. Everyone that knew of my miscarriage acts as if it never happened. No one remembers but me.
Fortunately, I am 22 weeks pregnant now. I told everyone when I was 12 weeks, after my 1st u/s confirming everything was alright.
Based on what some people have said on here, it seems like when a woman has a miscarriage, the people around her don't want to talk about it or deal with it. Obviously this isn't true in every case, but it still seems to happen. Perhaps people do that because it's so uncomfortable or painful for them to deal with--it's easier for them to just forget it and deny it happened. What they fail to realize is that the woman who actually miscarried can't just instantly move on and get over it. She was carrying a life within her, and now all of a sudden she isn't. I have never been pregnant to begin with, but I can imagine miscarriage takes a huge emotional toll on a woman. She needs the support and understanding of her friends and loved ones--not total denial.
I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant, but I chose to tell certain important people in my life after I miscarried @ 8 weeks so that I had some support. But that was only after two weeks of completely suffering in silence since not even the father knew I was pregnant.
I think the worst is hearing, "Everything happens for a reason." I still can't understand where the reason behind having a miscarriage would be... if everything happens for a reason, what was the reason behind me being pregnant in the first place be?
Id be 32 weeks pregnant now, due the 27th of next month. Its still painful and I've found very few people who can actually understand how its painful at all since I am so young and therefore, why would I have wanted the baby in the first place?
I recently had a miscarriage after almost 10 weeks. My babies heart had stopped at around 7 1/2 weeks and I miscarried without a D & C. The most painful thing I've heard is God knew I wasn't ready, or the baby was deformed and God knew I couldn't handle it....I don't care and I didn't care. That was my baby and I loved it from the second I found out. I've also been told that I don't know what it's like to be a parent and that it could have been worse, but all that does is diminish my loss. I tried not to tell many people about my pregnancy because I didn't want to tell people if something happened and if I ever get pregnant again (that was baby number one and only) I won't tell people until I'm so big that I can't hide it. I can't take some of the comments people make again.
Also I've learned that a miscarriage is like a dirty little secret. No one wants to talk about it, but from my experience I need to talk about it. I want acknowledgment for my child. Everyone expects me to get over it or move on, but every week I think about how far along I'd be now. In May I will wonder how close to my due date I'd get. In 16 years I will think of how I would be getting my son or daughter a new car. I will never forget.
I've had several. The first one, I was in college and I didn't want to tell the father but I told several of my friends. After I miscarried, I felt like God was punishing me for keeping a secret.
Then I got married, went two years without getting pregnant (we thought) and had a horrible miscarriage in January of this year. We hadn't even known we were pregnant. That's when we found out that I had likely been getting pregnant and miscarrying over and over again. If we ever decide to get pregnant it will have to involve a whole slew of doctors and medications, so we likely never will.
The good news is we are adopting two little girls, 2.5 and 11 months! So we still have a family, but my heart does break when I think about all those times my period was late, only to show up a week or two later. I especially mourn that first baby, even though I was only 10 weeks, probably because I had named the baby and had actually started coming up with a plan about raising the child alone, etc.
It's hard and lonely but I still don't think I would ever tell anyone other than my husband unless we made it past the first 14 to 15 weeks. I just don't want that kind of thing public when there are so many risks involved.
I've had 2.Hopefully only 2....The first one I didnt tell my hubby about(it happened at 6 weeks). The second one happened at 10 weeks, my husband and I had already told all his family( my family lives out of state and we wanted to tell them in person). One side of my husbands family, ignored it when we told them I miscarried, the other shared our tears and cried with me.
It was very hard for me...especially without my mom,but I got through and Hubby and I are trying again.
We were infertile for 2 years before we conceived. We used fertility drugs and got pregnant using artificial insemination. Our hearts broke during our struggle and we reached out for support anywhere we could find it. It seemed like every person we knew came to find out about our fertility. We were happy to share the information with our friends, coworkers, and strangers across the Internet as we learned how many families struggle to conceive. A caveat about telling people about your fertility treatments: Everyone is going to ask you ALL the time whether or not they worked. The women I worked with knew why I took time off work, I was going in for another ultrasound, another shot, another IUI. They aren't dumb, so they knew how to count to 10 and they were all calling me the morning I peed on a stick.
How can you deny the people who've cried with you and prayed for you the news of your success? So we told everyone right away. Their support through our infertility was unwavering. If the unthinkable had happened, we would have had the support of a loving group of people all around us. I can't imagine having our pregnancy be a secret and mourning the loss alone had we miscarried. I do not for one second regret our choice to tell the world the day we found out.