Thursday, 20 November 2008

• Unrealistic Expectations of A New Mom

   Guest post submitted by Amarisa

  

  In an attempt to have some "alone time" last night, I tried to have a relaxing bath.  Notice:  "tried." It was an utter failure. When I began filling the tub, Thomas was asleep, but once I got in, he started screaming. So, I instructed Terry, my dear husband, to give him a bottle of breastmilk I had pumped that day, and then I closed and locked the bedroom door and the bathroom door. Minutes later, I heard more screaming, and then Terry somehow managed to got past the locked bedroom door to tell me that the milk had spilled all over Thomas.  By that time, Thomas had spiraled down into his "angry" cry, so I climbed out of the tub to comfort him.  When he had calmed down, I got back into the tub, but the water had grown cold. And then...Thomas started screaming again.

  So, I'm in a bad mood.  A really bad mood.  However, late last night I came to a realization that may help lift my spirits. For months, I have been putting unrealistic expectations upon myself.  It will be therapeutic for me to go through these expectations one by one, so bear with me.

  Expectation#1:  I should be able to care for Thomas, as well as keep up with the laundry, dishes, and general cleanliness of the house, always.

  This is a challenge. My biggest challenge. When we moved into this house, I was pregnant and physically exhausted so I didn't get much unpacked. Now, that I have a bit more energy, I have less of the free time I did back then to unpack and maintain the house. After Thomas was born, I expected that I would be able to do all that stuff, so I've been beating myself up, referring to myself as a bad wife for not being able to. It hurts me to still see boxes in the bedroom and office, to see the dishes piled up in the sink, to hear Terry ask me if he has any clean socks to wear to work that day. Those are all still my responsibilities, but I'm going to try to look at them differently, and accept the fact that I'll just have to go slowly.  If my house stays "junky" for a few more months (and I swear, if anybody else comes into my house and has the cojones to call it junky, I will bust that person's knee cap, Harding-style. Got it?), I think I'll be justified in saying that I'm doing the best that I can.

  Expectation #2:  I should always have that lovey-dovey feeling toward my son.

  Let me tell you something, kids:  your mommas did not always like you. Yes, they will always love you, but there were those times in which it took all of their self-will to keep them from hurting you. It is this expectation--to always want to be with, and be happy with, my son--that has given me a sense of guilt for wanting to go off and do something by myself.  But really, it is just unrealistic for a mom to always look upon her children with rapt joy.  What is realistic, is the expectation that--sooner or later--momma will need a breather, and will do whatever she can to get away from her precious rugrats, even if it means locking doors.  I'll be honest with you guys--I was this close ::holds up pinched thumb and forefinger:: last night to just getting in the car and driving away.  Don't worry, I would have come back in an hour or so, but the car was the only place I would have found some quiet.

  Expectation #3:  I should not complain or want time to myself, because that would be lazy.

  Do I even have to explain how ridiculous this expectation is?  I didn't think so.

  Being a mother is the most wonderful, but most difficult thing I have ever done in my life.  Not to put down the man in my life, or men in general, because we need them, but I think that the saying "A man works from sun to sun, but a woman's work is never done" is true. 

  Have you, or are you, plagued by "shoulds" and unrealistic expectations?  How did you overcome them?

  • 8:27 PM
  • 1803 Views
  • 30 eProps
  • 17 Comments