Friday, 31 October 2008
-
Hand Me Downs: How Do You Tell Older Siblings to Let Go?
Guest post submitted by LilMama1204
I've been thinking a lot about this lately because in less than two weeks our second son will be here. Since we've been pregnant, I've started preparing some of my other children's things to be reused for this new bundle of joy. I didn't think much of reusing clothes and blankets until one day I was getting some out of my son's closet to put away and he said, "That's my shirt," when he saw one of his shirts in a pile.
I replied, "Yes it is, but now we're putting it away for when baby brother is big enough to wear it." I also explained in the best way possible that he had outgrown the shirt and since he could no longer wear it, it would be nice to hand it down to someone who could. A few months went by and we were weeding out toys to put away as well. We hadn't ever taken any of Dulaney's baby toys from his room, but seeing as how he is almost three it was getting way crowded in all of his toy chests and stuff. Well, I took several things that he has outgrown and several things that he hasn't played with for a very long time and put them in a bag.
I didn't think about them again until he found them in the office one day and said that they were his. He started to carry them back to his room, but I stopped him and said, "No, you've outgrown those now and we are going to pass them along to baby brother." He seemed perturbed by this and said, "But they are my toys." Again, I explained, "These are/were your toys, but you don't play with them anymore and some of them are baby toys, so we are going to put them away for baby brother to play with when he gets here." He seemed satisfied with that and actually brought more toys out for me to put away.
Since we've been getting new things for the baby and recycling old things from my older children, Dulaney has started "mentioning" more often than not that things are his. He seems to want to make a point that he owns things and that they are not baby brother's. I know that this is normal and we're probably going to regress to a selfish stage again, so I'm not too worried. I'm just curious how you other mothers handled this or will handle this when the time comes to pass things along.
Do hand-me-downs run in your family? How do you handle your child who doesn't want to give his/her clothes to the baby along the way?
-
recommend
- recs 0
-
share
-
email
- sent 0
Related Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to momaroo's Momaroo Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in momaroo's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
Comments (19)
With my nephews we did the same thing when my son was born. And it helped that for x amount of things he gave up he got a new toy or special day with his dad. It really helped our older nephew let things go to his younger brother and the younger brother did equally as well. They felt empowered by having a choice, in child development it's a forced choice for those who don't know, you give the child a few options you can both life with and they can choose. Like instead of fighting over chocolate milk, give them a choice of juice or whole milk.
Hello
I have a friend that's not planning on having anymore children and she can merely sit down with her daughter a few times and year they weed through her clothes and toys for things that no longer fit or that she no longer plays with to give away to children in need. Her little girl is happy to help someone else that doesn't have anything to call their own. Maybe try explaining things that way? That little brother doesn't have anything of his own yet?
Small incentives like IHearTheOcean said could definitely work, too. Maybe even something as simple as letting him pick what to have for dinner one night in exchange for a bag of old toys.
that's a difficult situation. I'm the oldest in the family and i believe when my baby brother came into the situation, i don't think i had too big a problem with letting go of things or what not (maybe because my mom spoiled the baby of the family more).
I think another route to hand me downs is the idea of sharing. I think that's what has made me become the generous one in the family. Rather than explain that he has outgrown his toys or that his clothes don't fit anymore, you could go and tell him that sharing is a way to welcome the baby to the family. Or (in a really bad sense) that the baby could be a lil mini version of the older brother. [please note to ignore the mini version...doesn't work]
By incorporating sharing at a young age, it may help the oldest to be able to let go of things easier. That not everything is his. In a way, i think it has made me more protective of my younger brother because i'm able to have that "sharing" connection with him.
I;m going on so many tangents
we never really had this experience. We did have a little regression as far as attention but two of them are so close in age we've always said all toys were both of theirs. As they get older they get more frustrated with their toys (video games especially) but we didn't have early toy issues.
Most clothing was put away long before they were needed and the olders don't even remember them.
Our situation was a regression in potty training. Our middle one was almost 4 when our baby was born and fully potty trained. he started forgetting to go to the bathroom as a form of getting the attention he felt he was no longer recieving. It was short lived only a few months. Of course during the most difficult with sleep, crying, feedings etc... but we just trucked on through it. eventually, they all found their roles in the family!!!
Well I was the only girl so I didn't get or give hand me downs as a young child. When I was a young teen I did start giving some clothes to a young female cousin, but never had any issues with that. As for my two younger brothers they did have to deal with hand me downs. They did have some issues but that was because they have always been the same size in clothes because they are so close in age. So one would take something of the others clothes and the other one would get mad cuz it was their thing. Now that they are young adults they still fight from time to time, but they have learned to share clothes pretty well. The only time they had a major issue was when one was getting ready to go to college, because they couldn't decide who should get what. I'm not sure how they ever figured that out, I think the clothes rotate or something.
I don't know how to answer that, but I had a lot of hand-me-downs from someone, as well as my hand-me-downs to my sister.
I never look down at such things!
yup and i'm still keeping my baby clothes for my future child. Hmm, for my family its a common occurrence. Many of us are used to it or perhaps a family tradition. There isnt really a need to explain to the child. They just know it
With 4 girls in our family, hand me downs are very common. We just tell them from the start that as they grow out of things, they have to pass them down to their little sister and then they get new clothes as well! We do make a point to buy each child some new things or in my case, I make them special new clothes and while their sisters will get to wear them, when they are grown and have a family of their own, the dresses go to them and their children. I really don't think the kids mind passing down their clothes though.
It was never a discussion in my house. They would outgrow things and those things would go into a bin out of sight. Sometimes items would never come back from the wash, other times I would wait until they were out of the house and clean out the drawers and toy bins, and once they were older I would have a seasonal times of trying on clothes to see which fit. Getting rid of things when they're not around seems heartless perhaps, but I never had a child ask for something I took away - out of sight, out of mind. My oldest is now 14 and she knows that if she has a sleepover I may just go through her room and throw out treasures - because she keeps everything. And she has yet to ask me for anything that has disappeared. [Because I always keep it for at least a week - if they don't ask, it's gone.] Proof positive that our kids have too much stuff - if they can lose it and not remember. The chances of your child still being attached to a shirt by the time the baby wears it are small. I do think one of the keys though is to put things away so the other child can't see them and remember that that used to be mine.
free flash games: www.directgamez.com
I can totally relate. Since my two boys are only 15 months apart, the younger one wears what the older one wore the year before. My older son has a memory that would amaze most people, so he definitely doesn't forget clothes that were his, especially not when they were from just last winter. We've had a problem as the weather has started cooling off, I began pulling out clothes from last fall/winter, and he had a fit that I was giving those things to his brother. There was one item, a John Deere hoodie (he LOVES John Deere) that we had to let his stuffed rhino wear because he just couldn't part with it to pass to his little brother. Sorry I don't have much advice, I'm still trying to figure out something that works.
I'm a girl and I have a younger brother. We never really had to share anything... Oh! Except I liked to play with his fake swords more than he did and he liked to play with my barbie dolls than i did. hahaha. xD
I have an older sister and a younger sister, so hand-me-downs were not uncommon when I was growing up. My mother explained it to us the same way you are explaining it, and you've done a good job so far.
When you do buy new clothes/toys for your oldest, be sure to stress that they are for big kids and not for babies.
@amyjane66@xanga - I remember my mom never gave me any choices - she would go through my room when I was at school and toss whatever she thought I had outgrown or didn't use anymore. As a consequence, I never learnt to declutter until I was in my late twenties! I was never taught how to declutter and clean up my room, because to her, it was just faster to do it on her own. But it made me feel like I didn't have the skills to clean up my room (and, in fact, I didn't...). I think if she had taken the time to teach me how to declutter and clean up, my home would be in much better shape now.
Anyway, I think it's important to involve kids in these decisions when they are still very young. Your (lilmama's) son already showed you that he can make these decisions, since he brought you more toys to hand down, and that is awesome! I'm sure if you asked him which of his clothes he'd like to donate, he'd help out, too. Kids have such big hearts once they see that other can use the stuff they no longer use or want.
even now, and my sd's are 9 and 7 and my sons 4 and 3, i make sure they know that they don't have to give up everything. that it okay to have that special toy, or blanket not not share.
sorry posted that before i was done...was distracted. my son remembers thinks like an ox...there are clothes he wore when he was 3 (he's 5 now) that his younger brother's best friend wears (he's 3 now...they're 16 months apart)...he always gets a kick out of it...and he's really good about giving up his clothes. sometimes the toys are an issue, but like i said before they each have a few "special" toys they aren't required to share...for my youngest it's his "Cars" toys (from the movie), and my oldest has his bakugan and transformers. they each have a webkins too...and i think because they aren't forced to share them, they do better sharing those toys than the other ones. they know that they are their toys, and they'll get them back...and i'll catch both of them handing a few of them over to the other one, when the other one is hurt or sad. it's sweet.
with 8 sisters and 5 brothers, we definitely utilized hand me downs.
One thing that we have done when there is something they are having a harder time parting with is to let them be the one to give it to the younger sibling instead of us just taking and doing it. You know, something along the lines of "I think your brother would really like it if you would let him play with that toy now. Maybe you could take it to him and show him how it works!" If the toy is still in the house, it is not like they can never touch it again.
I also clean out their toys and everything seasonally. With the older two, they just understand now that it isn't really a discussion. We have told them that in order for new toys to come in the house, some of the old ones have to go because there is just too much. And keeping the stuff (whether it be for rummage, give away or hand me down) where it is out of their reach and can't magicially appear back in their room is definitely a must!! Toys in our house have a way of magically transporting themselves all over the place (like the rubber duckie that likes to swim in the toilet...that I have thrown away at least 3 times now...)