Friday, 31 October 2008
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Would You Believe Your Child if He/She Were Sexually Abused?
I was sexually abused by a family member as a child. Do you think this is rare? Nearly 25% of girls and up to 15% of boys are sexually abused. Did you know that 30% of abusers are relatives and another 60% are family friends? This means if your child is abused, there is a 90% chance that you are very close to the abuser.
One might think that they would know their family and friends. How many people do you think are interviewed after such abuse comes to light and say, “I always knew there was something creepy about the person. I saw this coming from a mile away.” It is almost never. It is almost always along the lines of, “I never saw this coming. She was so kind and loving. He was such a normal guy.”
One might think they would know the signs but how many of us are actually looking for them?
Is it poor performance in school, not getting along with others, starting fights, nightmares, trouble sleeping, unexplained bruises, overt aversion to being near their abuser? Or is it outstanding performance in school, getting along well with others, being a peacekeeper, normal sleep patterns, and a very close to bond to a family member or friend? The answer is…both.
Either child in the examples given may be a victim. Parents should be looking for any behavior that is out of the ordinary for the child. Parents should be talking to their children about sexual abuse and making sure the child knows they will be believed, loved, accepted, protected, and defended no matter what. It is important that these conversations start at a young age and before abuse starts if possible. This could be as simple as saying, “Honey, if anyone ever hurts you, come to me and I will help. Or go to a teacher or your favorite aunt/uncle. Just tell someone. They will believe you and help you”. Then, as the child grows you can go into more age appropriate detail.
Is it enough if your child learns in school, church, or after school special that any touching making them feel afraid, wrong, dirty, or simply uncomfortable should be reported to an adult they trust? Do you think children naturally know they can trust their parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, or teachers to believe them after their abuser tells them nobody will believe them? Is it common knowledge among a young child that the abuser’s threats to hurt them, their family members, friends, or pets are empty threats? The psychological hold an abuser can have on their victim is astounding. They convince the child they will not be believed, that they aren't loved, it isn't wrong, they want it, someone will be hurt and so on and so on. Sitting in on an AMAC (Adults Molested as Children) group would rock a parent's world.
We are living in a society that is nearly paranoid with the possibility of terrorism or violent crime but too many of us completely ignore the facts and numbers of sexual abuse. For parents who have never been abused, they are inclined to believe their children are more likely to be the victim of terrorism or a school shooting than the victim of sexual abuse. While 15% and 25% are not numbers in the field of the majority, they are not small numbers either. I am not advocating paranoia. I am advocating awareness and education.
I was abused for over a decade before I found the strength to report it. My family was ripped apart and has yet to reconcile. My parents never talked to me about abuse. They never made it abundantly clear that I could turn to them. In fact, when I did report the abuse, they found it so inconceivable that they shunned me and the truth.
Will you talk to your children? Would you believe your child if he or she came to you with a report of abuse? What if the accused is a beloved family member?
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Comments (64)
I have talked to my son SEVERAL times about if ANYONE ever touches, kisses, hugs or anything that makes him feel bad, funny, or uncomfortable to tell us. We've also talked about no adult should EVER touch private areas, unless its a doctor and if it does happen he should tell me and his daddy as soon as he can.
Absolutely. I would not even consider not believing them.
I was sexually abused by a cousin for years when I was younger. My grandma found out, but never told my parents and it was kept secret for a long time. Then, when I turned 17, I started having flashbacks and had a horrible time dealing. I think that the statistics about 25% of girls and 15% of boys being sexually abused is actually much, much higher. I know I've never officially come out and told anyone outside of my family and very close friends, but when I did tell my family, my dad and grandma told me that it had happened to them too. Likewise it happened to a couple of friends of mine. I think that it's much more common than we think, but that there's a stigma on victims, especially if the abuser is close in age, or perhaps the same gender. It shouldn't be that way, because I know that when I finally came out about it, I didn't know who to turn to or who could help me through it. I wish there was a better way of dealing with it, but like I said, I think it's much more common.
My father believed me when I told him. I would believe my own child, as well.
Absolutely! Without question or hesitation!
It is definitely important to talk to our children about these things and assume that they are telling the truth if they do come to you with something like this. However, I also think it's important that people are reminded to report this sort of thing to authorities rather than trying to take matters into their own hands. We had a very tragic case in the neighborhood that I grew up in where a boy told his father a neighbor had molested him. The father didn't call the cops, but rather loaded his gun, walked over, and shot the neighbor in the face. Upon investigation, it was discovered that the boy had not been molested, but rather had been asked to leave the neighbors' property and was just mad that the neighbor had scolded him.
I would absolutely believe my child. Any parent who doesn't is just as bad as the person who abuses a child. As a parent it is our job to protect our children. If they tell us they are being hurt in any way and we don't believe them then we have failed as parents.
I think it is very important to talk to our children about this subject and let them know they have someone who is on their side.
i was fortunate enough to not experience this as my parents were clever enough...they went to great lengths to scare me about strangers.
besides, my grandad was a policeman...so for his granddaughter, it's like a passport to extreme protection :P
I would believe them. I don't think a young child would lie about such a thing because I don't think they understand such abuse unless they have personally had it happen to them. So yes, I'd believe them.
@nightchild55@xanga - A lot of times they children abusing each other is because of something that has happened to them or just curiosity. It's almost disgusting how the human mind works sometimes, isn't it?
I don't think it is rare that children are being molested. But I think the statistics might be even higher, because who knows how many children would even think of telling their parents that they've been sexually abused? I was one of probably many that refused to even tell anyone about it. I knew it was wrong based on what my teachers said, but it was my friend's dad. And then again with my parents' close friend. I grew up thinking that if you tell someone, you might not be believed. And it's true, abusers do have such a big hold on you. Even years later, when it stopped, because we moved and lost contact, they still have a hold on me.
Without a moment of hesitation, I would believe my child. It would matter not the person they named, my job is to protect them.
Why would a child LIE about something like that? Of course I would believe them...unless for some reason they had a tendency to make crazy stuff up (my niece makes the strangest stories up so I can see questioning her). But I would always trust the child immediately when it comes to something like this...it's hard enough for a child to come forward, they definitely don't need someone questioning their honesty.
I not only would believe them, I question them about it. I was molested in high school, but not seriously enough to cause trauma for me, and it only happened once. My son has an unnatural privacy issue that makes me suspicious. He doesn't even want his mom to see his underwear when she does the laundry. I have questioned him several times about being abused, but he vehemently denies it. So, I can only hope....
I agree that it is common and widespread. The stats are way low. Boys especially don't tell, I know that for a fact. ALL of my HS friends were molested also. I know because I was there and experienced it. A few of the teachers spent time in prison, but not all.
I attended a conservative Christian college in the late 80's, and I vividly remember getting together with some freshman girls for a lunch at the park. I have no idea how the topic of sexual abuse came up, but it did, and people began to speak very openly. Of the ten girls present, seven confessed to being abused/molested in some way at some time of their lives! I, thankfully, was one of the 3 that had not been. Some of the abusers were relatives, others were family friends, and often it was the friend of an older brother. Interestingly enough, I think only one of these cases had ever been reported to proper authorities. So, yes, it happens and happens often in today's society. I would not hesitate to believe my child.
my best friend was molested and raped for years by her father. when she finally told her mother, the father was tried, convicted, and all they had do to was go to family therapy. her mother STILL does not believe her (she knows it's true, but is in serious denial), her little brothers have no idea it even happened, and her mother stayed with her father. it is a horrible situation, and the ultimate betrayal by her mother: she chose her husband, who raped her daughter, over her defenseless child.
I'd believe my child. It happened to me and i'm STILL uncomfortable around middle aged men. I just keep telling myself that not everyone is like that. Now that I have a daughter, I'm more uncomfortable for her than me. I don't let her out of my sight at all. I know she's only 5 months old, but people these days are sick.
I will absolutely talk to my children about ANYONE touching them inappropriately. I would not hesitate to believe them, even if it was a family member.
People that even consider touching a child are sick, and if anyone ever harmed my child I would go through everything I could to make sure that they received the punishment that they deserved.
I would most definitely believe my child. I hope I am never in that situation though. I wouldn't want my child to have to go through it and deal with the pain for the rest of his life.
Def. believe my child!!! Parents need to educate their kids. Best book I've found--"My Body is Private". Great book for kids! Read it to your child, starting at about age 3 or 4 and read it at least once a year with them! Also, as parents, get and read, "Protecting the Gift" by Gavin DeBecker. It's not from a Christian stand-point but there's a lot of good common sense advice in there that parents need to know!
I was sexually abused at age 7 by my step-father, at that time (my mother has re-married twice since then). When i figured out what was happening i told my real dad. He took me to counseling while i was staying with him that summer. When he told my mother, she got really mad and tried to turn it around to make it seem like my dad had done it, not my step-father. She still to this day does not believe me, and i am now 22.
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I would believe my kid. I was sexually abused by several people growing up, all family friends and relatives. I'm 22 now and associate sex with shame and have a hard time hugging my own lil brother and sister. I told my mama about one of the guys when I was 15 after she found a online post I made about it and she just hugged me and told me I should have told her sooner. I think I'm going to raise my kids like my auntie is raising my youngest cousin. She has told my cousin from day one that her body was her own and NO ONE had a right to touch her without her permission. People would get angry when my cousin was really little because she had no problem saying 'No touch!' when people tried to touch her hair or something and she didn't hug certain people but my auntie just let them know that it was her personal space and they should respect it.
My little sister was molested by my stepfather and when she told me I whole heartedly believed her. So if my son came to me(or any future children) and said "Mom so and so(insert family member there) molested/raped/touched/hit/spoke the wrong way to me" I would believe him with all my heart. I would confront said person and from there take legal action. Sexual or any other kind of abuse should be taken very seriously and often times it isnt. I made the mistake of not telling anyone about my rape until many years later and I wish I had told someone so that way the person could be behind bars.
It's disgusting to that any parent would shun their children and not valiantly fight to protect them. I am comfortable with my son around people but I have an eye on him around strangers and NOONE can bounce him on their knee or carry him with their hand between his legs or anything else that would be inappropriate if done to an older child or adult. If my child told me they were abused, no matter how unlikely I thought it was, I would still love or support them and make the issue known. If it really didn't happen, that sucks, but if it DID and the child is shunned and penalized for telling the truth (even if there is lack of evidence and the abuser gets away with it) then that is a tragedy.
@DreamFaerye@xanga - your aunt has it right! that's wonderful
@madna@xanga - I'm so sorry. That's a vile disgusting thing to do to your child and turning your back on them.
@happymom4@xanga - thank you for the book recs!
@Fairywife@xanga - They're are sick. Dont put down your guard just because you have a young child. A man was arrested a little while ago for raping his SIX DAY old daughter.
@freedomdoncomefree@xanga -
@bibiker@xanga - Only happening once doesn't make it okay but I'm glad you have the strength to move past it, Also I might still be weary of the boy since he does have a weird privacy that might make someone more likely because he is so private they may not notice a change.
@ncsm@xanga - I hope you have someone working with you on this.
@filtered_sunlight@xanga - that is a tragedy but I don't think a lot of children have the capcity to willing lie about it or the implications if they did. This shows the importance of talking about it.
@nightchild55@xanga - There definitely is a stigme, the same one for adult rape victims. Very often the victim will be put on trial when the attacker should be. They always question the victims credibility instead of holding the abuser responsible.
@papercup_alibi@xanga -
I'm glad everyone has said they would believe him but there's one or two I think might doubt it a bit. I wanna thank everyone who had the strength and the courage to speak up about they're personal stories. You're not only healing yourself but you're opening people's eyes to the truth.