by
Mama
Pig **This is NOT me in this story. I love being a mom, it was what I was put on this earth to do, and most days I enjoy every moment of it, even the chaos.**
I was in a parenting forum this morning and there was a mom that said she didn't think she was cut out to be a mom and was regretting her decision to have a child. It was quite obvious that she was suffering from severe PPD just by her first few comments.
Her child was under two and she was saying that she felt no connection to her at all. The family had recently moved to a new area and the mother had not gotten out to meet anyone new. She went on to say that she had been in therapy since shortly after the child's birth, but that she felt no real progress was being made.
I felt so sad that she was having such a difficult time bonding with her child. She did say that for the most part, her child was unaware of her real feelings. Thankfully the mom was doing her best to be an active participant in the child's life, but it felt more like a chore and less like a natural thing.
I have loved every one of my children from the moment I found out I was pregnant. I did suffer bouts of PPD,but thankfully they were nothing long term and in no way affected my ability to bond with the baby. I can't even begin to imagine what this woman is going through.
My ex SIL was a very non-maternal person. When we were both pregnant she even said that she had no desire for the child to hurry along that she wasn't ready to be a mom. Sadly, she meant what she said and after the birth of their second child, she left them in the care of my ex BIL and moved out of state.
I know that there are some people that are very open with their desire to not have a child, but I see my question as something a bit different. I guess what I am asking is; if given the chance to start over, are there some mothers that would choose not to have a child the second time around? If you knew someone that said no they wouldn't; would you think less of them as a mother or would you understand why they felt that way?
If I could go back in time, I would have my children again. There are those days that I wish for five minutes of "me" time, but I can't imagine my life without them. I can imagine five minutes though. How about you?
Do you believe that there are simply some people that were born without the maternal gene?
Comments (44)
I can't imagine a mother not having that "maternal gene," but yet there are hundreds of cases every year of mothers abusing their children. It breaks my heart because from the moment my daughter was born it was like she was a piece of me. I would literally feel physically sick anytime I thought of something bad happening to her. It's that same "survival instinct" all humans have, only when a woman becomes a mother that instinct typically extends to protecting her children. I guess maybe some women never develop that...or the PPD is so severe that it overshadows that feeling.
Sometimes when I'm overwhelmed I wish we had waited a bit longer before having kids (I had no idea pregnancy would be so hard on me physically and mentally) but then I look into my daughter's eyes and I know that I wouldn't change a single thing. She is a part of who I am as a person, she defines me, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I love my daughter and love being a mother. I wouldn't change being a mother if I could go back - there are things I would change about parenthood, but not being a mother.
If I knew someone who wouldn't want children if given another chance, that alone wouldn't make me think poorly of them - only if they weren't being a good parent.
Yes, I do think that some people are born with or without a natural maternal gene, but being a good parent is hard work and even the most maternal people can sometimes end up being not so good parents or vice versa.
My mom didn't have the maternal instinct you hear 'everyone' has. She had to fall in love with me. She kept a baby diary (which she gave to me when I graduated from high school), and it is quite evident that, while she worked very hard at being a great mom, it wasn't natural for her. I don't think any less of her for it. In fact, I am more proud of her for working so hard to be the wonderful mom she was.
I think when that happens there is a chemical "malfunction"....either PPD (which I suffered from after the birth of my 2nd child) or a thyroid problem (which I have now that can also affect mood, irritability, etc). I think when the human body is working like it was made to, those feelings are there.
yes i do believe there are some people who are born without the maternal instict.My stepsons mom is the perfect example.....picked up left all because she said she didnt want to be a mom anymore.Now even though she sees them every other weekend they still spend more time with the roomate then her it's very sad
Even being 21 I don't think I would change any decision I've made. Like you, there has been TONS of times when I'd love to just have 5 mins of not hearing momma momma momma, but being without my daughter or step son...I don't think I could bear it. I have battled some depression since my daughters birth, but I can't ever remember thinking that I wished I hadn't had them. I will admit wishing they'd leave me alone for five seconds sometimes lol. But what mom doesn't?
I do believe some woman are just born without the maternity gene. My son's biological mother is one of them. I have seen her with all of four of her children(including my son) and I never get the feeling of love from her towards them. Some of the things she says to them makes me think that. I've never asked her, b/c its not my place but her interactions with them plus the fact that she lost custody of Jacob(my son) makes me think that the maternity gene is either not there or not very strong for her. It maybe that she's very young too. She's only 24. I have noticed that in young parents, sometimes b/c of their age its hard for the gene to click. Not all, but some.
I love both my children so much, I honestly can't imagine being without them. Even on bad days.
i have a 2.5 year old daughter and one thing i regret is not having her EARLIER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can understand how some woman can feel that way and do believe that some woman just don't have that maternal nudge as most of us do. And I think it's a nurture vs nature thing where it depends on how the person was nurtured and brought up. But would a woman openly and honestly admit that? I doubt it. Of course we all want our moments alone and wish for life to be as it was before the kids for a little bit but personally I can't say that the second time around I wish I didn't have my little girl. I wish she would have came at a later time like in 3 or 4 years for but she's so special to me and my life wouldn't be the same without my little girl. But I wouldn't judge or look down on those woman who do feel that way. It doesn't make them a bad person and I think there's always a reason behind their feelings like that.
I do believe that some people aren't meant to be mothers, however, I can't really give an unbiased opinion here because I do not have a child.
I may be a bit of out place here (since i am a guy), but I do wonder...in the case of the woman in your story...is there any way that the husband could have help her with the PPD or "encourage" her maternal instinct?
@Trigger821@xanga - Great question. She did say that her husband was a great father, but I have to wonder if she would even mention how she is feeling to her partner.
She was in a random parenting forum where her identity was not an issue and I get the sense she picked that particular place simply because she could say what she really felt without fear of repurcussions.
@Trigger821@xanga - thats such a good quesiton. I think my sons biological mother would do better if she had a good male influence or help with her other children. I know when I really need a break and my kids are driving me nuts, my husband is a great help by diverting their attentions from me.
i don't think i have any maternal instincts. i have never been a fan of kids although i think babies/toddlers are cute. i am hoping that after my baby is born that will change.
@MissBride@xanga - before I had my kids I was never a big fan of kids either. I actually swore I'd never have any, and I thought they were kind of gross. Now..pfffft. Not the case at all lol.
I don't think motherhood comes naturally to me, whether you want to call it a "maternal gene" or instincts or whatever. I love my kids and take full responsibility for their upbringing and education. But I sometimes seriously question whether I should have had children since everything about raising children seems to go against my personality, interests, instincts, etc.!
Being a mother is not just a biological fact, though - it's a relationship, one that changes and (hopefully) grows over time.
I think there are degrees of the maternal gene. Some women love babies from the time they're really little. Some don't until they have their own kids and i think some have to try really hard.
I don't regret being a mother - I love my children with all that I am. If I knew we could get these EXACT same kiddos, I would wish that we had waited longer - we were not ready financially and a few years would have had us sitting a little better in that respect.
I feel horrible for that woman - loving my children and loving being their mother is the only thing that gets me through the day sometimes.
@comparedtoyou@xanga - Thanks for sharing that perspective on your own mom. It gives me hope that my kids will one day respect me as someone who worked very hard at mothering - and hopefully did a good job at it!
@DrTiff@xanga - I have a very close friend that feels much the same way. She adores her children, but always laughs and says she really isn't mom material.
She dreams of traveling the world and such and knows that with five children that won't be happening anytime soon. However, if asked, she would say she wouldn't change a thing.
I love being a mother too. I sometimes wonder what I would be doing if I hadn't had my son... finished college, had a great job, and my husband wouldn't have done certain things he did while we were pregnant -- I wonder sometimes, but then I think I cannot change those days and I am very happy with how everything has turned out. I am still anxious and anticipating the future and what it holds. I am glad I had my son young, but at the same time I wish I could finish my college, I'll probably do that when he starts school (three more years!). I would understand if someone says they would wait or do it sooner, I don't know if I could understand NOT wanting to be a mother at all. I know most men don't like being around kids until after they get out of the toddler years, maybe she'll be like that, hopefully.
My cousin went basically the same way as your ex-SiL...she left her husband and left the kids with my mom (her mom has "disowned" them all because of her ex-husband...it's a mess...I stay as far away from it as possible). She's flat-out admitted that she wasn't ready to be a mom; she was 16 with her first and 18 with her second. She had no patience for them what-so-ever and said she felt no bond with them (I think the fact that she hasn't seen them in 3 years is probably good proof of that).
It's sad but it happens. We're all different and our experiences shape us in different ways that are reflected in our personalities and preferrences...including whether or not we want kids.
I already couldn't imagine life without Megan and I haven't even seen her sweet little face in person yet. I look forward to doing things with her and teaching her. A few months ago I would have readily said that I would have rather waited another 3 years before getting pregnant...now? I'm actually glad it happened when it did. Sure, there have been ups and downs, but I think those or similar situations would have arisen even 3 years from now.
@TashaDW_18@xanga - Thats pretty much EXACTLY what I was going to type! If I could go back and do it over again, I think I would have waited a bit until we owned our own house and were more financially stable. But ONLY if I could have the very same kiddo's that I have now.
I do not, and would never regret having my babies, sure they can drive me a little bonkers sometimes, but I love being their mom, and I feel so lucky and blessed to have such amazing kiddos.
According to my dad, my grandmother was like that. She had six children, partied like a crazy person and after my grandfather died she took up with some guy and left my father, who was then 15 years old, to care for his younger siblings.
I seriously can not imagine doing this. I love my private time (limited though it is), but I wouldn't trade my beautiful babies for anything.
Right now I wish I weren't a Mom...... My dd is 16yrs. old & going through her 1st true love broken heart. I can fix skinned knees, but I can't fix a broken heart..... It hurts so bad to know how badly she is hurting & there is nothing I can do about it.
Of course, no parent is going to admit they regret having their child. But deep down, I'm pretty sure 85% of us were mistakes.