by Mama Hippo
As a mom, and especially as a stay-at-home mom, I think I tend to get into the habit of assuming responsibility for things that have to do with D. It's something we all probably do, in all sorts of areas of life. For example, my husband is a much better cook than I am, so even
before we had any kids, it would often be assumed that he'd cook dinner, unless he asked me to. These days I find that we both tend to assume I'll take care of the things, like feeding D or getting him ready for bed at night. It even goes as far as me having a shorter tolerance for fussing, so if all of us are home and D starts fussing while playing on the floor I tend to be the one to pick him up, as hubby takes a bit longer to respond (I don't want to make him seem like a bad dad -- he's an incredible father, and very involved. He and I just deal with certain situations differently).
Lately, we've both been trying to fight these assumptions. There's more nights where I'll cook dinner while hubby gives D his bath and gets him into bed. However, there's one thing that I tend to do 99% of the time because hubby actively avoids it -- feeding D solid foods. Hubby has done this a handful of times, and it's turned out quite messy and sometimes D doesn't eat much, or anything at all. This has made hubby gun-shy and afraid of feeding D. Lately, I've tried getting him to do a feeding, and he'll try a few bites, then declare that D's not eating anything and hand me the bowl and spoon (never mind that half the time D doesn't take anything from me, either, but that's another post).
I know he means well, and he admits that he needs to get over this fear he has. I think I'll need to put him in charge of a feeding a few times and leave the room so that he HAS to do it on his own and can't pass it off to me. I actually think this is something I should do more often in general, just leaving the 2 of them together for an hour or two, so that hubby gets more comfortable and confident with his ability to take care of D on his own. I think it's tough for him that I deal with D so much and know his habits so much more, but hubby just doesn't spend as much time with him (because of working full-time) and doesn't feel that same comfort.
Have any of you had trouble with getting your husband to be more involved with the kids and their caretaking? Do you take turns changing your baby's diapers, feeding him or her, and so forth?
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Comments (13)
We don't take turns just whoever it works for best. I as their mother often carry the heavy load, but I'm a SAH mom so I feel he needs a break once he returns home. Whenever I need him to babysit he is competely skilled and trustworthy though.
Cookings all mine..he'd rather not eat then fix anything!
I've been interning this semester in a "functional feeding" program, working with a team of psychologists to get uncooperative toddlers to up their food intake. Most of them have medical reasons, but some of them are just plain stubborn. It's always a challenge, but I'm learning a lot and enjoying it.
Kids usually do better for a feeder after having that person a few times, and sometimes, there is just a preference for one style over another. Everyone's different, and so are the kids, so don't take it too personally if baby eats better for one parent than another.
But the thing that helps most is really interacting while feeding baby. Talk, sing, dance if you have to; the more entertained the child, the more cooperative he will be. Praise a lot. And for some kids, it helps to switch back and forth between two different foods, alternating every few bites to make things more interesting.
I hope things work out; don't let either of you give up on this. Keep trying, daddy!
My husband works full-time and I'm at home so of course I take care of them while he's working. When he's home we do things pretty equally - diapers, feeding, bathing, etc.
My husband is very involved with the kids... we don't take turns, who ever notices the dirty diaper first is the one to change it.
I wish I could say things were evenly distributed but that is far from the truth. My husband works full time and works very hard, but being a SAHM isnt easy either. He expects me to be a wife, mother, and money maker now too....doesnt work that way. there are times where I will be trying to clean or make dinner and our daughter needs changed, he will make some excuse as to why he can't do it...and it simply comes down to if its convient to him or not...when he feels like taking care of his child, there is no getting in his way...but if he doesnt feel up to it...there is no way he is gonna help...
yes, sounds like your hubby definitely needs more one-on-one time w/ baby. this happened to us too and it's so much better now that every morning they have their own time together.... it's gotta be consistent though, that's the key. don't just pass off the baby here and there. hubby needs to set aside regular times and get into his own dad/baby routine too... i know it's hard if he's working full-time, but it's definitely worth it... take that opportunity to take a well-deserved break too!!
I married the first time very young, and when my boys were babies, I did all the feeding, the diapers, the staying up nights. If I had children with my current husband I know things would be more equally distributed.
My hubby and I were just talking about this last night. I'm a SAHM and he works full time (50hrs+ usually). I never would have thought that staying home full time with our son would be so much work and sometimes I get very stressed about if the floor needs swept, the clothes aren't put away yet.. and he is very understanding. He drives a truck all day, and frankly, isn't nearly as tired as I am before the day has ended. We both cook, we both do the chores, and we both take care of Ethan. Obviously, I do more of the cleaning/and baby care than he does, because I'm home more often, but he does it too. It works out nicely for us.
My husband works full time so I do most of the care taking. When he gets home from work, he likes to wind down, then he'll play with our daughter and hold her, etc. He'll feed her when I ask him to. He hasn't changed a diaper, and swears he never will. Although, he'll put one on her if someone takes the dirty one off. And he does give her baths when I ask him to.
Ha, my hubby has the same fear of feeding the baby! It's better now that she's on to pieces of food instead of pureed food, but for a while he refused to feed her solids. He found it absolutely disgusting and frustrating (she's horribly impatient and screams if you don't feed her fast enough).
My hubby usually will not take the initiative when it comes to general care. He stopped bathing her after her first at home bath, 99% of the diapers he changes are because I asked, if she cries at night, he tends to pull the covers over his head and roll away from us, and he conveniently sits across the table from our daughter (whereas I sit next to her). I still think he's a great dad, he just has less patience than I do, way less, so it's easier for all of us if I do these things.
He gets better as she gets older though. He loves wearing her when we go out and pushing the stroller, taking her to the park and shopping with him, reading to her, stuff like that.
this is from a guy's perspective, not trying to make excuses or anything, but sometimes we're not quite sure where the boundaries are...
we know that our wives love our children a lot and love interacting with them... so some of us may feel that we're 'taking' that time away and step aside a bit to allow that... (albeit, some of us are just lazy too).
for me, i don't mind stepping in whenever - feeding, changing, putting to sleep, everything (except nursing for obvious reasons), but it helps when dear wife lets me know what she needs.
I know my husband has been a great dad from the get-go but I saw more and more interaction the older they got. It just took time for him to be comfortable with new stages where it wasn't as big of a deal for me because 99% of the time I am the one that introduced those changes since I stayed home with the kids during the day. It was definitely much more noticable with the first baby too, the other three he picked right up and plugged right in. He always came around to doing the things that needed doing like feeding or potty training but it took him a little longer. I would dread leaving home at the start of a new "infant" or "toddler" skill because of not knowing if it would be done "right" I had to give a lot of control up though and understand myself that one night of a bottle only meal or one nap time in a diaper rather then underwear was not going to send the baby or I's world crashing down. And I admit it did feel like that at times. Now that they are older (9,7,6, and 4) there are times when HE initiates things to push them while I find myself wanting to keep them babies longer. It's all a give and take. He sounds like a great dad, just give him time and opportunities.