by Mama Pig
I was watching that Mommy Swap last night on television. It is not a show I watch normally, but little E went to bed somewhat early and I was all alone in my bedroom with nothing good to watch.
From the few times I have seen the show, I understand the idea is to place two polar opposites into one anothers homes and wait for the fireworks to begin. Last night was no exception. One mom was carefree and the other was such a paranoid safety freak that I had a difficult time deciding which one made me more nervous.
While I agree that there are times safety measures should be in place, I feel that society has taken it to such a ridiculous level that children are not allowed to be children any longer.
Admittedly, I fell asleep prior to the show's end, but I watched enough to know that the safety mom was driving me crazy. Her children, which appeared to be around the ages of 8 and perhaps 11, were not allowed to do anything. According to the parents, the microwave was off limits, the stove was a big fire waiting to happen, and at any moment either child could just simply fall into the fireplace.
The fear in which these children lived was more frightening than anything they could face out in the world. The wooded area behind their home was a wild kingdom filled with coyotes, the hill that was their street was a mountain capable of immediate death. I mean, come on... they are children and should be allowed to explore on some level. The father had even placed a gate around the fireplace in the event one of the children decided to jump in the darn thing. Apparently, "no, the fireplace is hot" is not an acceptable deterrent.
There is such a fine line between teaching children how to remain safe and making them afraid of their own shadows. No, I do not allow C or little E to use the microwave. No, I do not leave the babies home alone for any length of time, but I do leave them with the two older siblings that are of age to babysit. All the older children are capable and use the microwave on a fairly regular basis. Yes, in the event of a fire, we all have an escape plan that we are aware of, but no, we do not practice it on a weekly basis. All the kids, except little E obviously, ride their bikes outside on our property and (gasp) not a single one owns a helmet. I am here supervising at all times, and other than a few bumps and bruises, have never had a problem.
My children climb the trees at our home. I can remember doing that as a child and sitting up there for hours, reading a book. I want my children to experience the joy of finally making it up to that branch they have been unable to reach until that moment.
I get nervous when I am at the playground with other children and see a mom that doesn't allow the child to run or slide out of fear of being injured. I sometimes question if their way is better. Am I a bad mom because I sit down with a book and allow C to run around and play? Should I be following him all around, holding his hand as he comes down the slide?
I like to think that I am a careful mom, but maybe others would find me too carefree.
Which do you think best fits you -- helicopter mom or let it all fly? Were you sheltered as a child?
Comments (52)
i think what you're doing is perfect.
i got to run, jump, and play, and i turned out all right.. not a broken bone or head injury or anything.
kids are little balls of energy. they should be allowed to explore the world.
I was sheltered, but not from getting hurt, my mom let us get hurt.
When we would come in the door crying she would ask "are you bleeding" and if we said yes she would say "okay, go stand in the kitchen and I'll be there in a minute!" LOL this STILL makes me laugh, she didn't want blood stains...hahahaha
As for me, I'm not worried about my baby getting hurt, as it is we rough hous with her (12 months old) and we are prolly more rough than most people think we should be, but she injoys it, and we are safe about it...so whats the big deal?...we jsut want her to have fun.
My biggest fear about when she gets older is that I won't watch her carefully enough in my quest for her to find fun. I don't want to be a mom that thinks "it could never happen to me" but I am quite afraid that she could end up kidnapped, especially with how firnedly she is with strangers (yeah, she has NO seperation anxiety issues). I think I would be a nervous wreck at a playground where it was so big or so busy that there was potential for e to lose sight of her even for a second while I was sitting on a bench, cuz come on, a second is all it takes these days!!!!
we used to play in dumpsters (we werent supposed to tho), walked to school everyday on our own (granted there were 5 of us and school was right across the street), my sister was 10 taking care of 4 little kids and a baby, and we'd walk a couple blocks to the putput golf place and get bubblegum icecream sometimes. both my parents worked, so they didnt really have time to worry about what we were doing when we ran off into the woods or went down the street to play at our friends' houses. we played in a tree house that wasnt really childproofed, (no railings, tall tree) and my mom got multiple calls from the school to come get her boys off the roof. (they got in a lot of trouble for that though)
so we weren't really sheltered. now that we've moved and are a bit better off and people are moving out tho, my little brother doesn't have to do anything for himself, and he's the same age as my sister when she was running a house and watching five little kids. he uses the stove all the time (he eats nothing but spaghetti and noodles, so he learned how to do that for himself a long time ago) and he skateboards a plays football so he's not over-protected, but he's gunna be dumb and lazy when he grows up.
i was sheltered as a child & i'm not going to lie...the second i got to college & out of mommie & daddies grip i almost tailspun into disaster. College opened me up to things i never was able to do at home, stay out late with friends, make my own food, basically do whatever i wanted to do whenever i wanted to do it. in the end i got into some stuff i shouldn't have but luckily caught myself before it got out of control. not many people can do that. So overall...let your kid explore for themselves. tell them the fire is hot & bad but if they continue to poke around it & get hurt be there to comfort them. sometimes children just need to learn on their own & you telling them no or keeping them from something isn't always the best...even if you had good intentions...some times it could drive your child further away.
I agree with you; however, make sure your kids wear bicycle helmets.
I wasn't sheltered- I was quite the opposite.
From what I've been told, I was constantly bruised up from falling all over the place- one of the kids with all the cuts and scratches. I think children have the right to be wild as long as it isn't too dangerous on their part, they need to have their freedoms to teach them as a learning experience. Pain is pain, scratches and broken bones will heal, and its' quite an effective teacher. As long as the children aren't running in front of cars or hopping into the waiting jaws of a wild animal, or being kidnapped or anything of that extreme, and are instead falling from monkey bars only to get boo-boos, I don't see it as too much of an issue.
If anything, a careful, in the middle kind of mother is best. Not too extreme on either side of the spectrum. I don't think you should have to be the mother who holds their childs' hand down the slide, instead, be the mother who is there to pick them up if they happen to fall down. It isn't the end of the world, you shouldn't have to put gates and limits on everything.
Personally, i think you sound like you're doing a fine job.
@MlleBaroque@xanga - I completely agree. I have seen that myself. I do not want my three year old to even know what a breast is unless it is in relation to a chicken.
@ReneeBrowning@xanga - LOL, that made me think of my mom. I went into labor with my second child while we were out shopping. We were in her new car (less than a week old) and all she kept telling me was "please don't break your water in my car". I was panting and in a lot of pain and that was all my mom was worried about. Aw, good memories.
@mamapig - My mom is my best friend, so these things make me laugh so hard, but if we were at sorts with each other, then these same comments wouldn't be funny, but scars!
I guess context is everything
Sheltering = bad idea.
I knew what sex was when I was eight. I knew plenty of things when I was eight. Did I really understand it? Sort of.
Did I ever act on any of it? No. I'm happy that I knew things. Wasn't a big deal.
I am more of a let it fly and less of a safety mom. My son doesn't wear a helmet because I have taught him to be aware of his surroundings while he is on his bike. If he hears or sees a car coming he is to get over and wait for them to pass. At some point you just need to teach them to be responsible. I don't think that everything needs to locked, latched or covered over. My newest child is due this week. I will not be baby proofing my house. This of course doesn't mean that I will leave a bunch of chemicals on the floor and hope that he doesn't get into them. I will make sure that kind of thing is put away and watch him for the rest.
You sound a lot like my mother. My mother was a perfect mother. PLEASE keep doing what you're doing.
I had freedom, but under a usually watchful eye. I got spanked, fell down, fell off my bike, got hurt on the playground, and all of it. Am I fine? Yes. I'm perfectly fine. There has never been a terrible catastrophe just because I used the microwave as a child or and of that.
Keep on truckin', Mama.
and I don't know any parent in the tri-state area who makes their child wear a helmet.
I'm no mother, but I'm speaking from a daughter's point of view. Rating on a scale, there's carefree, caring, sheltering, overprotective, and then my parents. I'm almost 19 and kids that are 12 years old have more freedom than I do. They always HAVE to state that it's keeping me away from dangers of the outside world, but I mean, how is this helping me, when the exact same things could happen while I'm walking home or while I'm at school, etc. And thus, because of the chains my parents put on me, I have to lie just to have REAL fun. Yeah, I admit it here, but I'd never tell them. I haven't done HORRIBLE things, but things that most certainly may disown me for, if they ever found out. I don't even know what more they could possibly do to me and I don't want to lose the tiny bit of granted freedom I've been given only because I've begged for a little budge on the rules. They believe that what they're doing is teaching me how to not get myself into situations like that, but really the only way I have learnt is because I've lied and been to places and have been in situations that they tried to keep me from. But I'm still alive, right?
I can't even begin to explain the tension I feel when this topic is brought up. I mean, yes, they're only trying their best to protect me, but there are limits. I've kinda learned how to/how not to be when I become a parent because I wouldn't my kids to have to lie to me. And to think that my mom keeps telling me that I'll be just like her.
So in short answer: Yes, I'm sheltered, but way too much.
Well, I believe people should be free to raise their children as they wish for the most part so long as they're of sound mind. I personally don't have an opinion as to whether sheltering children is right or wrong, but I do feel that's it's somewhat unnecessary... Plenty of children all around the world and throughout history haven't been sheltered or babied and they have grown up fine.. =/
deffinitely let it slide..
i think you should care for their surrondings for the most time, but let them explore. Take for instance, when you have a two year old... let them go all over the house but put the plugs over outlets.. sortof like that system till they are teenagers..
my ex-friend (who i nolonger really hang out with because she is SOOO sheltered) told me that she was afraid to go to the city because she would be "raped". I told her that we would be taking a commuter train and then getting a taxi to the beach.. (this is chicago). She would not go for it.. we were 16 when this happened!!!
*sigh* I still AM sheltered. And I'm almost 19. It's frustrating, but I'm of Asian descent. It all depends on your family's background & their prior upraising.
It is aggravating, though. I don't have a set curfew that's good in accordance to my age because it's whenever my parents tell me to come home, which is usually early [as in 5 or 6pm]. I can't go to far places. I can't stay out for more than a certain number of hours. I hate it. Only my parents are anal about that. My grandparents treat me like an adult.
Future parents, DO NOT shelter your kids! Give them some breathing room. They'll thank you for it later.
[And no, my parents do not have ANY reason for being that way. I'm not into drugs or alcohol, none of my friends or boyfriend are into those things, they all know my friends, I'm on the Dean's List & I've never broken the curfew they'd give me. It's just the way they are.
]
@haloed@xanga - doesn't really sound like you should be talking about your so called "friend" that way. granted, that was hilarious but i think your friend would be hurt if he read that or knew you felt that way. sounds like you've been dying to get that out of your system for a while. if you havent already, you should consider helping him instead of being so disgusted by his 'patheticness' (if that is a word) and another thing is, if he's that old and he has never had a girlfriend or sex you can't blame that entirely on the way his parents raised him! Get to the bottom of the real issue concerning your friends lack of experience. Well i wish you well with your friend and life. peace.
fortunately i have not been sheltered, but still being in high school i am surrounded by people who are. most of these people have never worked, had financial difficulty, or real problems for that matter. thus 75% of what they bitch and cry about seems so petty and stupid. working in labor to pay for many of my own expenses as well as someday college, i know people with real life issues: addictions, supporting families on limited income, and living in fear of deportation. therefore i get annoyed when i go to school and someone is upset because mommy and daddy wont buy them their 37th pair of tennis shoes or their life is horrible because they didnt get a 2200 on the SAT.
I tend to believe that overall sheltering is a good thing. I think children that are simply allowed to "live" often cant distinguish good vs. harmful if their parents aren't there to explain, teach, assist, and disipline. Especially for the first 13 years, while a child's development is at a major peak--I think parents should stongly come along side their children.
However, like you said, I do believe children need to be TAUGHT certain things, like, using the microwave etc. And the be permitted to use these things by themselves. I also agree with you--that telling a kid that something is HOT, should be enough of a warning. As long as its not a long term affect, if a child wants to touch something hot, he might just HAVE to, in order to learn not to touch it again. I definitely believe parents NEED to teach their kids to be independent so they can be independent, functioning adults in the world.
The one thing I do strongly disagree with in your post, if I do say so---is, the helmets thing. I think that helmets are not a matter of FREEDOM, and "openess" but a matter of SAFETY, and in reality, can serve as a barrier between life, and death--or serious injury. No matter how much "supervision" you or any other parent gives while their child is on a bike, if they fall and their head hits the pavement... they fall and their head hits the pavement.. even if the parent was supervising. With those safety things, I think parents should enforce strongly. Seat belts, helmets, etc. those are life savers. Not really optional.
i think that children should be sheltered to some extent but they should be able to experience life and to learn from their mistakes.
I agree that you shouldn't shelter your kids, but you really should get them helmets-- they make the difference between minor scrapes and possible brain damage. I have a friend who was just in a hit and run bike accident, and if he hadn't been wearing his helmet, he'd probably be dead. Helmets can be a little annoying, but the possibility of getting involved in a potentially fatal accident is actually pretty high.
@sugababi303x@xanga - He's moved to England with his parents money to get the best law education (what he DOESN'T want to do with his life) available. He has no back bone.
And our friends have discussed his lack of... hm.. doing anything and no matter where we take it, it always falls back on his parents.
And lastly, if my friend read that, I hope it would be a wake up call as to what people really think of him, a motivation to change, instead of being a motivation to never do anything for himself.
There is a such thing as in between and that is what I strive to be. My parents totally sheltered me b/c I was a girl and they let my brother do whatever he wanted b/c he was a boy. Neither way is a good approach. When I finally got free from them when I went to college, I went insane with partying b/c my parent's were always breathing down my back when I lived with them. I eventually got over it and grew up, but it could have been avoided if they would have loosened the leash a bit I think.
My brother on the other hand still thinks the world should just be handed to them so just letting things fly is not a good idea either.
From my experiences with my peers and classmates and such, the ones who have been sheltered the most usually get crazy wild once they go off to college.
Just saying...
I don't know.
There's nothing wrong with finding a happy medium.