by Mama Pig
I was watching that Mommy Swap last night on television. It is not a show I watch normally, but little E went to bed somewhat early and I was all alone in my bedroom with nothing good to watch.
From the few times I have seen the show, I understand the idea is to place two polar opposites into one anothers homes and wait for the fireworks to begin. Last night was no exception. One mom was carefree and the other was such a paranoid safety freak that I had a difficult time deciding which one made me more nervous.
While I agree that there are times safety measures should be in place, I feel that society has taken it to such a ridiculous level that children are not allowed to be children any longer.
Admittedly, I fell asleep prior to the show's end, but I watched enough to know that the safety mom was driving me crazy. Her children, which appeared to be around the ages of 8 and perhaps 11, were not allowed to do anything. According to the parents, the microwave was off limits, the stove was a big fire waiting to happen, and at any moment either child could just simply fall into the fireplace.
The fear in which these children lived was more frightening than anything they could face out in the world. The wooded area behind their home was a wild kingdom filled with coyotes, the hill that was their street was a mountain capable of immediate death. I mean, come on... they are children and should be allowed to explore on some level. The father had even placed a gate around the fireplace in the event one of the children decided to jump in the darn thing. Apparently, "no, the fireplace is hot" is not an acceptable deterrent.
There is such a fine line between teaching children how to remain safe and making them afraid of their own shadows. No, I do not allow C or little E to use the microwave. No, I do not leave the babies home alone for any length of time, but I do leave them with the two older siblings that are of age to babysit. All the older children are capable and use the microwave on a fairly regular basis. Yes, in the event of a fire, we all have an escape plan that we are aware of, but no, we do not practice it on a weekly basis. All the kids, except little E obviously, ride their bikes outside on our property and (gasp) not a single one owns a helmet. I am here supervising at all times, and other than a few bumps and bruises, have never had a problem.
My children climb the trees at our home. I can remember doing that as a child and sitting up there for hours, reading a book. I want my children to experience the joy of finally making it up to that branch they have been unable to reach until that moment.
I get nervous when I am at the playground with other children and see a mom that doesn't allow the child to run or slide out of fear of being injured. I sometimes question if their way is better. Am I a bad mom because I sit down with a book and allow C to run around and play? Should I be following him all around, holding his hand as he comes down the slide?
I like to think that I am a careful mom, but maybe others would find me too carefree.
Which do you think best fits you -- helicopter mom or let it all fly? Were you sheltered as a child?
Comments (52)
I used to be a let it all fly mom. Then I got post pardom anxiety instead of depression with my last son. So, now I try to be more of a let it all fly mom while feeling like I'm chewing myself inside out when I do let them go be kids/boys.
Though I am still growing up, and not yet an Adult, at least I can say that I have not lead a sheltered life thus far.
As my friend Cheyrl says, "If they're old enough to ask, they are old enough to know." Excluding the graphic details, mind you.
At a young age I was thrust into the real world. My mom moved to the worst druggie city in state, was a drug addict, smoked, and slept with many different guys by the end of the week. All this while me and my sisters were left in our rooms to watch TV with the volume turned up high and play. I couldn't lead a sheltered life.
My Dad told me everything I needed to know. Why I shouldn't be alone with a man, why I should stay with my sisters and such. He reminded us this every week. Because I knew all of the information I knew I am here today safe and clean.
I believe a child should be told these things to keep them safe. (But it all depends on age, I mean if the kid's four years old, tell them the bird or bee story or something. xD Too young to really know and understand.)
For the playing outside and using microwaves, I say you have to teach the kids how to use them/safety and allow them. If they fail, take away the priviledges. If you believe the kid is not mature enough to use it/etc then don't allow it until he/she is ready. The hard part is is to tell when they are ready.
@MoBunshin@xanga - WOAH, long post. O_O Sorry. lol
By the way, I believe that you have found a great medium. You sound like a careful mom, but you aren't paranoid careful. Kids need to be kids, and if you don't let them out how will they learn?
my parents were divorced when i was very young & my mom was a super paranoied freak but my dad's motto was 'do what ever you want, just clean up after yourself'. so i tend to think i'm somewhere in the middle with my daughter. she has a helmet she *must* wear when on her bike or scooter, but i let her ride to her friends houses in other neighborhoods. she must take a safe, pre-determined route & call as soon as she's there, but she can come and go as she pleases. provided all her chores & homework has been done. my goal is to give her freedom without fear, but with the responsibility to handle it.
When I first started college, I noticed that the "sheltered" kids either 1) dropped out b/c they couldn't handle living on their own and making their own decisions or 2) went completely insane and got into LOADS of trouble.
As far as my own parenting, I'm like you. I let my 7 month old crawl around while I have my time on xanga. I watch her consistently during that time, but she already knows what she's allowed to touch and what she's not. Plus, she's not walking independently yet. Once that happens, I'll be a little more vigilant. :)
I think you're a good mom. Afterall, how will a child know WHY they can't do something if they never experience it or get told why? (within reason, of course)
PLEASE DO NOT SHELTER YOUR CHILDREN!
This is a general statement in regards to a friend of mine. He was the youngest of 2 in a household. His parents babied him. Sheltered him. Smothered him.
He is 24, and is still a virgin, and let me say, it's not cause he's "waitin" it out. He has never had a girlfriend. He has never kissed a girl (though much interests). He participates in cuddle parties, (with rules!), and has more comic books than hairs on his head (not to say he's bald, he isn't.) His parents have never let him work a day in his life so much that he doesn't appreciate money, he just thinks that everyone has enough to do what they want.
Like visit him in England :O!
His parents have paid probably around $200,000 for his university education, and he cannot appreciate where my friends money goes (and that we are unable to hang out with him at any given day, at any given time, for any given activity, no matter the price.)
He comes off creepy, yearns for hugs from EVERYONE (including his male friends which puts more emphasis on the creepy) and also, at age 24..
....STILL HAS A CURFEW OF 11PM!!!!!!!!
So please, parents, please for the love of flying squirrels, for the hope that pigs may one day fly, for the hope that I never have to encounter such a sad and pathetic soul again, DO NOT SHELTER YOUR CHILDREN.
I am like you....I am cautious to an extent but I am not overly obsessive. I want my children to have their freedom within limits.
When I see parents who do not want their children to run or slide or (heaven forbid...) play in the sand I just wonder why they brought the kid to the park.....
And I see nothing wrong with letting your child play while you enjoy a book....if they are playing happily, what's the big deal? Kids do not need (complete and undivided) parental attention every second of the day.
It is a bad idea to shelter your children because in the long run when they have to be out on their own, how are they going to deal with situations? I mean, it's okay to be there supervising, but let them roam around, have fun.
yeah, i don't have kids but i think it's better to be more of a 'let it fly' mom rather than a 'lets control everything kids do' mom...
i'm fully planning on doing that with my kids
I agree with several of the comments above. You need to teach your kids about safety/dangers and resposibility, but they're kids. They need to enjoy the freedom of living without a bunch of fears. I encourage my kids to go on their own. My son likes to take his brothers to the bathroom when we're in a restaurant by himself. I'm ok with that now. I know that he and his brothers know what to do if something happens. When we go to the park, I let them loose and take a seat. More often than not, my 3 and 4 year old will come and ask me to push them or to say, "Watch me, Mom!!" When they were little and not walking so well, I would follow them around, but wouldn't keep my hands on them the entire time. They had freedom, but I was there in case they fell or needed help. As they get older, they will have more freedom as well as responsibility.
My son plays what he wants while being watched, I dont hold his hand at the park, im not attached to his side when hes playing, Im there watching and letting him learn on his own, my daughter will grow up the same as her brother, she will be allowed to learn on her own while i watch to make sure they dont get into too much.
i wasn't really sheltered at all. though i was always taken care of, i think a lot of parents would be surprised how much freedom me and my brother had. and we turned out all right, especially since there wasnt much for us to rebel aganist.
It's called trial and error, and kids need it. It's a psychological learning process called conditioning (try Pavlov's dogs or Little Albert and fear origins, if you want clear-cut examples of conditioning), and without it we don't develop common sense (which is kind of important, heh).
Hopefully, I'll find that balance in between.
I wasn't sheltered, or neglected. My mom had a pretty good balance going on and gave me space that matched my maturity level. I think that was really important.
I was extremely sheltered as a child, and not to say that I turned out badly, but I would have rathered a different upbringing. I have horrible anxiety as a teenager now, and a lot of it is fear and worry that my mother has instilled in me starting at a young age. We were told things by her that would scare us. I'm STILL not allowed to use the stove by myself, as a 17 year old. Now, I feel very overwhelmed with all of the things I am learning and seeing.
I look at it this way.
My parents' generation grew up when they :
1)Walked home from school alone (or in the dark after a good day's playing)
2)Grew up in homes painted with lead based paints.
3)Didn't wear helmets.
4)Played all manner of imaginative and in some cases, rough, games.
5)Their cribs had bars set too far apart
6)They ate pop rocks and drank coke.
They're all still alive.
ok I agree with you whole heartedly on not being overly protective of you children, except on the helmet thing
I am not a mother, never plan to be one, but I am a psychology major and the fact that you would even IMAGINE letting your children ride bikes without a helmet is INSANEmy nephew would have died if he hadn't been wearing a helmet during his bike accident, he was in the hospital for weeksbrain damage is all to common, and absolutely devastating and oftentimes irreversible- sometimes its better to be safe then sorryplease, make your children wear helmets I still wear a helmet and I'm 21, it's just smart@haloed@xanga - My friend is 37 years old. He's not quite as bad off as yours, at least not in the virgin/affection department, and he doesn't have a curfew. However, he's barely worked in his life, every job he's ever had he's been fired from. His parents have paid for college for him TWICE now, and he is still living in their basement and not working. He had over $700 in overdraft fees, TWICE, because he doesn't know how to balance a checkbook and just assumed if he had no money places wouldn't take his checks. He too doesn't understand at all why me and his other friends don't have money/time to hang out and entertain him all the time because he doesn't do anything all day long except goof of on his computer or watch TV.
I agree, not only should you not be so over-protective of your children, but when they are adults STOP ENABLING them to be lazy - it doesn't help them at all.
I wasn't really sheltered now that I look back on it, especially around the house. Â Then again, my mother always had too much to do for us to be sheltered-- Once my sister and I had the physical strength to work on things around the house, we did it (mowing the lawn and using a hedge trimmer by 11 or 12- under supervision of course). Â We didn't wear helmets when we rode our scooters around the driveway but we did with our bikes. Â Until we were around 12 or 13 we couldn't sleep over at anyone's house unless my mother had spent some time getting to know the parents so she felt comfortable with leaving us at their house.
If you shelter your children you inhibit their growth. Â But if you don't protect them they get hurt. Â So I guess it's good to find a happy medium. Â Good post :D
Sometimes there's a reason to be paranoid. In my family we have a rare gentic condition which causes our bones to be more fragile. It's more severe in childhood/adolesence. (Example: I tripped in a gopher hole when I was in 2nd grade and broke my Tiba AND Fibula, I wasn't even running. My brother pulled a toy plastic cash register that could of weighed more than 5 or so pounds on top of him when he was 6 months old and broke his leg) We look completely normal but to this day I am VERy consious of what I do and do not do. I refuse to rollerblade or iceskate. My children will be "sheltered" and rasied to be aware of what they can or cannot do. I still don't ride a bike.
So basically my point is don't judge parents if they are paranoid, maybe they have a reason to be.
I was waaay sheltered as a child and I feel like I'm still trying to recover from it. In a lot of ways I'm immature in "street smarts" and well... living. My parents didn't want to let me go anywhere or do anything and I'm still socially inept and terrified to move out on my own. I think it's really important to allow children freedom to make choices and make mistakes.
@Lauren - My children do indeed wear a helmet when they are off our property. When we are at home, they don't. Some might disagree and I totally understand that, but I rode all over my town as a child without the helmets and am totally unscathed.
I am glad that your nephew is doing well and thankful that he was wearing the necessary protective gear.
It depends on how you look at it. My sister and I were rather sheltered, in a sense. We were sheltered from any emotional pain as best as could be managed. Sex and drugs, those we weren't sheltered from, not at all. However we were discouraged from socializing, as it would only lead to awful things. Ruined friendships and broken hearts were the only things out there. My mother accuses us of being naive, and if we are, it is because she has made us so.
There are two COMPLETELY different kinds of sheltering being discussed here. I am all for letting your kids experience all kinds of things growing up...meaning getting dirty, learning to build things, playing in the dirt, etc. A few bumps and bruises are fine and are an essential part of growing up. HOWEVER, I am also a huge proponent of sheltering your children from the EVILS of the world (violence, bad TV, cussing, drugs, alcohol, sex, etc.). They'll grow up fast enough...a 6-year-old boy does NOT need to already be interested in women's breasts and yet today, so many are. That's just SAD.
I wasn't sheltered, at least not physically. I thought I was a bit sheltered from ideas, though. That bugged me. But my parents weren't constantly hovering around afraid I'd get killed. I had my share of skinned knees.
I didn't realize this until I was older, but my mother was terrified I'd be kidnapped. My family was in the minority ethnically in the community I lived in, and a neighbor told my mother that with my "exotic" looks, I'd be kidnapped. She never seemed hyper protective, though.