Tuesday, 30 September 2008
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Do Women Handle Stress Better Than Men?
by Nurse Jenna
Saturday started out as the quintessential relaxing weekend day. I slept late, read in bed, went for a leisurely brunch, and then went to the gym to swim some laps while my boyfriend took my car to run some errands. After I was done with my workout, I called him to come pick me up. My day of relaxation came to an abrupt halt when I got a frantic voice on the other end of the phone. “I just got into an accident. Your car is totaled and not drive-able. You’re going to have to take a cab home.” Luckily no one was hurt, but the details still remained foggy after a rambling tale involving a left turn, a red light, and 5th street. Though there had been no mention of a light post, I had visions of my car wrapped completely around one. Well--gulp, I tried to look on the bright side, I guess I was wanting a new car, sort of. I stopped by my car on the cab ride home to assess the damage for myself. The driver kept saying to me, “Are you sure you want to look at this?” With the image of my car hugging a light post, I knew I was braced for the worst. When we pulled up to my car parked by the side of the road, I wasn’t quite sure I had the right car. “Hmmm,” I thought to myself. “Is this really the same car that my boyfriend described?” It looked like a fender-bender to me. Even the cabby jumped out and took a look. We were both perplexed—it really didn’t look bad at all.
In fact, I was more upset that one of my shirts from the dry-cleaner that boyfriend had gone to pick-up was lying in the street next to the car, than I was about the car itself. A tow to the body shop….$200 on Mastercard. A bumper replacement…$500 on Mastercard. A new wheel rim…$900 on Mastercard. My white shirt that I had tailored in Thailand….Priceless!
When I got home, I went upstairs to proclaim the good news—I saw the car! It wasn’t that bad! My optimism did not go over well. My boyfriend was sweating… pacing…ranting about the incident, how life as we knew it was essentially over. I was thinking, “Did I miss something? Was this not MY car? Why wasn’t I the one freaking out?”
There is actually a point to this story and it is that there is an on-going theme of reactions disproportionate to the situations. One could say I under-react or that my boyfriend over-reacts, depending on how you look at it. And it is not just issues surrounding our cars. My girlfriends and I discuss this often. When guys get a runny nose, it is as if they are on death’s door. Women, on the other hand, suck it up and carry on as usual, even when faced with a pounding migraine, 2 screaming kids and a job deadline. Why is this? Why does a man's stress threshold seem to be so much lower?
Does it seem to you like women react differently to stress than men do?
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Comments (34)
We are hard wired differently and are built to handle the million and one things that life throws at us on a daily basis. Just my thought though ;)
if women show one ounce of weakness, its OVER! hence the difference in reaction. I think we can take it better since it's an object.. replaceable.
I know it's like that here. That's just our personalities though, not really based on gender. I'm all "It could be worse, life is okay." and the husband is freaking out. I'm very laid back and he's... not. I know some women that would go to pieces over the smallest things and men who shrug everything off.
We're the opposite... hubby is the sane one, and i'm all OMG. Thank goodness, he reels me in!
Funny... But my hubby and I aren't like that at all. My man is pretty cool and collected (of course he's an ER doc so he has to handle stress well.). But I learned years ago that he handles stress way different than me. I slowly build up to going crazy. Anyone can see each little step up to freak out! lol! But hubby isn't like that. He handles job pressures, home repairs, paying student loans off while saving for retirement, college, weddings, running a farm in Kansas, keeping vehicles going, and the wacked out schedule in the ER effortlessly to a point and then bam! He's had all he can take! He shuts down and I'm scratching my head? But that's because I didn't see the pressure building under the surface. I think we, as women, tend to be so absorbed in our own responsibilities that we forget men have them too.
As to the sick thing, my man never shows that he's sick. I have to physically hold him in bed to keep him from going to work witht the flu!! He never askes to be babyed but I like to from time to time. Everyone is different. I don't think it's fair to put people in boxes and treat them accordingly. Men are as different and diverse as women. Cut 'em a little slack...
@trulytaken@xanga - I think that people who deal with life and death emergencies on a daily basis are particularly good at taking the rest of life in stride and I do try to keep that in mind. Unless I see more than a liter of blood, I assume that things will work out one way or another (which is probably how your husband thinks), but I try to remember that most people probably don't think this way.
My boyfriend and I have a similar relationship to yours except the roles are reversed. For example, he hit his head on the counter last week and called me as he was on his way to work (we're long distance at the moment) and mentioned he was wearing a hat...the keep the paper towels on his head...because he was bleeding. Of course my first reaction is "why aren't you going to the hospital BEFORE you go work" (he actually works in a lab in a different part of the hospital complex). And he says "oh it's not that much blood." In the end he needed 3 staples which I couldn't bring myself to look at when we went to his parents' house for the weekend. But I am most definitely theo over reactor, while he hardly reacts at all...to anything.
Well, in this case, wasn't one person in an accident and one person not? i don't think that's a gender thing - being in an accident is a stressful thing.
That aside, *people* handle stress differently, not genders.
maybe he's acting more stress because it's not *his* car he just wrecked? I'm usually not as stressed when I mess up my own stuff / project than if I wrecked someone else's.
my Hubby's like that when he has a "hard day" at work and has a headache. i know he words hard, but sitting in a meeting is nothing like taking care of a 19-month-old while you're having the headache...and making sure the house is all tidied when he arrives home. (he doesn't expect it to be, i guess it's my expectation for myself.)
Tim's the same way. Particularly, anything involving finances is a life-threatening concern to him. Where as I'm like, "Whatever...I've always found a way to land on my feet before, there's nothing different about this."
I've also noticed that some men preferr to stress out about somethings rather than just cut to the chase and find out if it's even worth stressing out over. Example: Tim's car is a lease. He's not sure if his insurance would cover me if I'm driving his car and am in an accident. Rather than just call Geico and ask, he stresses when we stop to do the math on his alloted miles and discuss the option of him taking my car to work while I'm not working and I would only drive (put miles on) his car if it was an emergency. Just call the freakin' insurance already, ask them, get an answer and know whether or not it would be an issue! It drives me nuts, and, of course, Geico won't talk to me because I'm not their customer. *eye twitch*
@TinySleeper - People DO handle stress differently, but there are actually studies that the genders handle stress differently as well. I was using my story to share a personal example and wondering if other people had similar or disimliar situations. The studies actually show that women tend to "tend and befriend" whereas men tend to have the "fight or flight" response. They believe the difference in hormonal responses may actually be partly responsible for why women live longer than men. So, YES, in this sense, women DO handle stress better than men! This is not to say it applies to everyone, but that there are indeed gender differences, like there are with many things.
I would have to say that I am definitely the more easy going on in our relationship. My hubby does not handle stress well at all. But, that is just way he is and I have learned to accept it and help him deal with it. No big deal.
ha, my boyfriend and i have the worst of both worlds. i'm a freak out over the little things person, but i cope with severe amounts of prolonged stress ok. and when i'm sick (every day, i kid you not) i just go on about life and deal as best i can.
my bf almost never truly 'stresses'. he even calms me down about the little things! but if he feels something is truly wrong he freaks out to the nth dregree. and oh my don't get me started on the man cold thing. i swear he has said "i'd rather have CANCER than a sore throat". (i'm very sorry and do not wish to minimize the suffering of cancer!). when i get "sick" with whatever he "has" i usually realize it's a slight throat tickle.
sigh. we love them anyways :)
I think, in your case, it may have to do with perspective. For example, if I'm feeling a little ill, I usually don't stress. however, if my kid (or my elderly parents) has a little cough, I'm rushing to the hospital. in other words, if its your stuff, you can maintain a better perspective than when its anything involving anyone else.
I dunno - I know guys who try to do everything the same even if they are bleeding from their ears and have 102 degree fevers. To each their own.
Aren't usually guys macho and just trying to suck it up?
My husband and I are opposite. I dont freak about everything. But there are certain things that stress me out a lot more. And sometimes because he is so laid back about everything I stress even more. Like because he isnt worried about it, I have to be more worried. I have been getting better though!
I have also found, that especially with car accidents, it depends who else is around. My very first car accident, I was rear-ended. Very minor damage to my truck (bent bumper - which my bro-in-law straightened, and snapped trailer hitch). The girl was young - like 17. I had her calmed down because no one was hurt and the cars werent that bad. Her mom gets there and starts freaking out. So of course, she freaked out again. I wish I could have told her mom to go away. When her dad got there, I wouldnt even talk to her mom anymore!
I think men and women tend to stress differently. I also think they stress about different things. I think the stresses definitely come with the different traditional roles (ie, man=provider), especially in the way this country has changed in the past 20 years!
I think women have more sources of stress - or just feel stress about things that men don't. The majority of Men will say work is the #1 stress source; women will have work, family, and other things as high on the list.
You're kind of right I think. My boyfriend freaks out at night about his debt and stuff, times when he can't do anything about it, and I'm the one patting his hand and telling him that he can't do anything about it at this time, and to just relax.
Maybe men are just hot wired to freak out at stupid times.
A lot of women I know, while they may react to extreme news like you describe, the day to day stresses in some people have caused aweful grudges, arguments, contentions, backstabbing, and stuff like that. Not to mention a overall decline in health is some cases I can recall, the stress ate them alive, so much so they got very physically ill. That's just some cases I can think of though, I think it takes all types, man or woman.
@haloed - that's his stress, not yours. I'm sure he thinks that a lot of things you freak out about are farily petty.
I dunno - my wife tends to freak out and stress about really trivial stuff - like a zit (isn't that what make up is for?) A car accident seems like "real" stress to me.
@TomsDad - that may be trivial to you, but yes, I agree that people just rank things differently and then stress accordingly. I think men tned to stress about more meaningful stuff (car? yes, its probably the most expensive thing most people own.)
Hm. Interesting. To date, I've met probably a handful of women who dealt with stress better than the males I know. When something, even something infinitesimal goes wrong, the women I know freak out and immediately attempt to reign control of the situation, most always worsening the whole thing. Most guys I know "roll with the blows" so to speak, taking stress as it comes and just kneading the situation until it pans out.
There are some exceptions, though. For example, stressful social situations crack me in an instant. I'd rather be trapped under a car bleeding to death than have to ask a girl on a date.