Wednesday, 24 September 2008
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Family Planning: At What Point Do You Decide to Have a Child?
For some, having a child is something of a no-brainer. There just were no plans - no intentions. No setting out to "do the deed." For others, there is a concious decision to try and conceive. There may be some degree of waiting, and then BAM. Then there are others that wake each morning and beg God for a child of their own.I know couples in every category personally. Considering that my own child was a BIG surprise, my angle is the first. We never had the opportunity to try. Knowing that I could so easily get pregnant was always a burden within my marriage. The worry, the stress. Almost as if we were not married at all. Given that we were both teenagers when we married, and full time college students working full time, a baby was the last thing we needed.
Or so we thought.
After 2.5 years of marriage, we found out that we were expecting a baby in my senior year of college, due mid-semester. I had a great full time job with an advertising agency in a position that usually required a 4-year degree (which I was working on). We made the joint decision for me to quit my job and start my own business from home. It was a sacrifice in every sense of the word, but we agreed that it was the best option for us. We still have to defend our decision to friends and family, especially given that we're both college graduates and live paycheck to paycheck. I've even been accused of being lazy and hiding behind my daughter so that I can stay home and not have to work. You name it, it's probably been said of me. But I realized that my child was more important than the opinions of others, and they were not looking out for our family's best interest anyway. I still struggle with this- being that my dreams were changed so suddenly, but the one thing I always dreamed about was having a family and putting them first.
Our daughter brought so much love into our lives. Without knowing that it was possible, she gave us so many gifts. One surprising gift was the gift of clarity - the ability to see that we must be doing something right or we wouldn't be allowed such a wonderous blessing. I think that if we had known what a ride this would be, we would have been itching for a baby long ago. Children have a way of healing and fixing, just as long as that is not why they are conceived. They can't be forced to serve a purpose, you know.
I've heard about many people getting pregnant to try and "fix" a marriage, fill a void or to make them happy. It angers me to hear this, because there are so many people out there that just want to "love a baby," as my friend R says. I think that if you make the decision to have a child, you run the risk of giving more than you receive at a given time. But in the end, you always get more than you put in, as long as you're willing to receive it at the most inopportune times. For example, at 3am when you feel you're about to pull all your hair out because your child STILL isn't sleeping through the night, your "milk drunk" 7-month-old looks up and smiles at you. Or when your 2-year-old smiles at you and says, "I wuv you Mommy." Just when you're about to lose it, they save you.
And so here we are, feeling a bit forced to make a decision about our future. I have many friends that all have different views on family planning. Some believe that they may never have children by choice, while others believe that they will have as many children as God allows. For me, it is somewhere in-between. It's hard for me to say that I don't want another child and soon, but for now, it's not time. When people ask me about our family plans, I am reluctant to answer. The explanation is so complicated, and frankly, it's not really everyone's business. I have to realize that I don't owe anyone an explanation of my future family plans. It's a very personal process, anyhow ;)
The reason to have another child is that there really is no REASON to have a child. Every child is a gift, and if you let it be just that, it doesn't have to be black or white. If you're blessed to get to have a child, no matter the avenue, remember that it is a high-risk role with high return on investment.
What is your view on family planning? Were your children "planned," and if so, what made you feel ready to start having children?
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Comments (41)
We had 4 kids. Looking back. Not planning a family is like not planning for college tuition. Not planning for retirement. Not planning a budget. Not planning for unexpected home repairs.
Yes we are getting by. But it would have been a lot less stressful if we planned a few things out ahead of time. You end up resenting what you did not plan for. Looking back is the only thing we seem to do best.
My son was planned. My husband and I are planners, though, so that's what works for us. DS has a savings account of his own (at 20 month old) to help him get a college education when the time comes. We are currently pregnant with baby #2, which was also planned. When this child is born, she/he will also get a savings account with her/his college education in mind. DH and I are very careful to live within our means. If we can not afford another child after this one, then we'll be perfectly happy with the two we'll have.
I personally think children should be planned for, anticipated and wanted more than anything in that time frame. We were married four years before we had a child. Because of health, it looked as though I could not have children so we went to an adoption agency; shortly thereafter I became pregnant and that was indeed a happy time when our son was born.
We had always wanted two children, preferably a boy and a girl but two would be it regardless because we knew that was all we could afford. While many do not agree, I do think our status in life financially should play a part in how many children we have. If I was wealthy like the Kennedys, I would have wanted more children.
So, we did not use any birth control as we wanted the second child shortly thereafter. Well, l2 years went by and we had just decided that one child was all we would have. I started back to college at the age of 34 and guess what, I got pregnant. Yep, the biggest surprise of my life. A baby girl came our way and what a joy both children have been. However, before I left the hospital, my tubes were tied. One big surprise like this is enough for me.
I liked what you said about people not trying to have a baby to fix things. I see so many do that and it does not work, so unfair to the child. I also see a lot of young women gettting pregnant to get their man. That really upsets me. I feel how many and how often people have children is their own business, but much thought should be put into that decision. Having a child is not like buying a car or a house.
We have two children. Neither were planned. The first was born right after my husband graduated from college (I had graduated the year before) so we were both done with school. My husband got a teaching job and we decided I would stay home with our son. About 14 months later I got pregnant again. That comment you made - "Knowing that I could so easily get pregnant was always a burden within my marriage" - definitely true of me.
I love my children so much and wouldn't give them up but if I could go back and know how hard it would be to have children and not be more financially secure (without knowing exactly what I'd be giving up in not having these particular children.... :)) I would have waited a few more years.
We don't know if we'll have a third one. It's still up for debate but I'm only 26 and my kids are only 3 and 1 so we have time to decide. :) Hopefully the next one will be a planned addition to the family!
I dont't have any children yet, but we plan on having up to five with a minumum of three. We've been married just over 2 years (waited until we were married for sex), dating for 4 years before that.
We want to have children very much, but we realize that right now is not the most opportune time. Although if we were surprised, we would welcome a baby with open arms. We will probably stop using contraceptives (I'm not on the pill--they make me nuts!) and trying to conceive by next year. Right now we don't have a place of our own, so we want to make sure we do before we start our family. Once we start, I think we'll adopt the 'however many God wants to give us' approach. My husband is from a family of seven kids and although my mom only had myself and my sister, she tried to have more. If not for miscarraiges there would be four or five of us.
I've learned that our 'view' on family planning changes as we do. We just kind of go with the flow. We want to have as many children as God sees fit to give us, but we want to act responsibly also.
I was a planned baby and I wish more people would do a better job of using contraception. I know a lot of teenage moms and I know it's a big different than married couples who end up having a child by accident but...eh....I don't see what's so hard about using a condom, taking birth control pills or getting an IUD, or the shot every month or every couple of months...whatever. I don't really have to worry about birth control because I'm a lesbian. =]
A child is not a "gift" I would want, it would be more of a burden to me.
I know adoption takes a while but I'd really like to see more people choosing this. The world is already overpopulated and its resourced are already taxed. It pisses me off to see all these large families because I know the damage they are causing to the environment. ::shakes head::
But...hardly anyone thinks about that....
Thank goodness I won't have any kids around when this planet is even worse than it is now.
I think every family should plan, because there are far too many babies who are born unplanned and unwanted.I have two girlfriends who are both pregnant and they were caught completely by surprise. One is currently in school and the other just had a baby! Although they are keeping their babies, they are both complaining about the timing of it all.
As for myself and my husband, we planned for our child. I am currently in college and I wanted to wait until I had a Bachelor's degree before I started trying. But I got married much earlier than I ever anticipated to a man who is a lot older than myself. And because of that age difference, I decided to start a family now so my husband would have the chance to enjoy his kid(s). Still, there are times where I don't feel ready to be a mom!
I always thought I would have lots of kids very young, but things don't always turn out the way you plan! I have been married 5 years and we are just now ready to start "trying". My husband has had a lot of health problems, making kids out of the question. Until now. But, I think I'm glad that we waited a while. We have had these wonderful years just the two of us, and now we're ready for the next big adventure-- Parenthood!
@FemmeMrbd08@xanga - I dont think it is fair to say that people should adopt because of overpopulation. Most of the kids who are up for adoption were unwanted! (Yes, a few are orphans, but that is a minority.) Maybe it is the people who dont want kids that should stop having them - that would help to curb the overpopulation.
So far, my husband and I plan to not have kids for a while. So far it has worked! We want to be in a place, financially, that we can easily provide for them. In a few years we should be financially ready and mentally as prepared as possible!
But like others have said, if I do happen to get pregnant, we would be excited. The baby would be 100% welcomed and loved.
I've always wanted to have several children. People ask me how many I want, but I really have no set number. I want however many children God wants me to have. That being said, I have 3 right now, ages 3, 2, and 4 months, and have my hands full, so I'm pretty content with that at the moment. :) My husband and I tried for 2 years to get pregnant the first time. We decided not to do anything to keep from getting pregnant since it took so long to conceive the first time because we'd rather they were close together than forever apart. Needless to say, my first 2 children are 15 months apart. :) We got pregnant very quickly again the 3rd time, 22 months apart. They were all wanted, and pretty much planned. The second 2 just came a little quicker than we expected.
So, when Tim and I found out we were expecting, in spite of the pill, it was a shock...but less so than if I'd done none of the prep work in the past. The first few days were rough in deciding what to do, but after that it was, like, "No...it's okay...I've got this. I know this. I can do this." Some people get such a surprise and they've only got 9 months to figure it out. I had the benefit of already being prepared...or as much so as one can be.
As for what made me ever feel ready in the first place, I just reached a point where I'm comfortable with myself. I'm secure with who I am and my goals in life. I knew one of those goals was to have a family, raise a child. Finances can change at the drop of a hat...for better or worse, so I never worried about that. After things didn't work out with the ex, I assumed I'd end up waiting at least a few more years, but you don't get guarantees in any relationship, either. The only thing I have definitive control over is me, and I'm good with it, so why not?
Not planned but not an accident. My hubby and I both feel that children are something that just happens, you don't plan for them, you are blessed with them as God sees fit. Personally, if I were to try and plan for a child, there would never be a perfect time, so why bother.
My husband and I have decided that I will go off birth control in a few months (once I've gone through all the pill packs I have now) and then let what happens happen. It was hard decision to make.
We have two kids - two years apart and both were planned. We had been married for 2 years when my son was born. We want to have at least 2 more kids, but are going to wait for a few years for various reasons. I'm only 24 and don't want to be done having kids yet and I would like to wait until my kids are a little older and possibly in school and then have two more close together. If I get pregnant before then, though, I'd be excited!
My husband and I have been married for about a year and a half now, and I was bound and determined, before I ever met him, that I did not want to have children until I was finished with my degree. Now that we have an expected graduation date, we're palnning to start trying in about a year. But that's what was right for us. It allows us to be more financially prepared, and it allows me to both be a mother and have a career. Those were my goals. Not everyones are the same, and not everyone's stay the same their whole lives. That is perfectly okay.
I don't even know you and am outraged that someone would accuse you of being lazy for wanting to be a stay at home mom. How absurd. I'm not even a mother yet and I know how completely ridiculous and untrue that sounds.
I also agree that it's absolutely no one's business. That, however, does not stop the more rude people in your social circle from asking. We recently at our church had a rumor get spread (via mass email!) that we were expecting. I readily dispelled it with a snarky blog post, but the part that really got to me was when people would ask if I was pregnant, and I answered no, their follow up question was, "Are you trying?" After some discussion with both my mother and my husband, I decided it was okay to reply to a rude question with a rude answer. My new response? "Well we're having plenty of sex if that's what you're asking."
My first was not exactly planned but not exactly a surprise and my second was planned and prayed for. Personally I would like to have as many children as God wants to give me...I love my children so so much and know that more would be great. My husband worries that we can't afford another and blah, blah, blah. But I say, "If we are saying within our faith that we totally rely on God to provide for us, then why would He have any trouble providing for one more (or you know, several more?"
That's just me, though. I try not to ask anyone what their plans are when it comes to children because everyone is different and that is a personal, private choice.
It's simple:
Let God decide when you should have children.
His timing is perfect, after all.
I have heard (but haven't researched it myself) that just about all forms of oral contraceptive abort whatever is in the womb. Even if that isn't true, taking monthly chemicals into my body is enough for me to rule out oral contraceptives altogether.
One lady I know had her tubes tied, and then she had two more children afterward. God is sovereign, no matter what we do.
We've been trying to get pregnant for two years and have gone through two rounds of failed fertility treatments. Now we are talking about adoption.
I don't think you meant offense when you said, "One surprising gift was the gift of clarity - the ability to see that
we must be doing something right or we wouldn't be allowed such a
wonderous blessing." But being infertile does the same thing... It often brings about the thoughts that we must be doing something terribly wrong. And it is a horrible, heartbreaking, relationship-shaking feeling.
I've missed so much work, taken pills, shots, had more than 20 pelvic exams in the last 6-month period, and I ache and I hurt and I wish it wasn't this way.
If I could go back, I would never have taken birth control. Maybe there was a window in my early marriage that would have allowed me to conceive. Now I'll never know, just wish that I could post blogs like this one.
We've been married a year and are paying off my student loans and will not try to get pregnant until they are paid off (September 2010). This will allow me to stay home with our child until (s)he is in school, at least. We'll be able to save for retirement/child's college fund at the rate we would like and pay our house off early. Only 1 kid for us and then my husband is getting a vasectomy.
We tried not to in the first year of our marriage, but then, we tried too hard. Now, we are just enjoying ourselves together, while yet still praying for a baby. My attitude is when the children come, they come, and the LORD be praised....
Planned. We had only been married a few months before trying. My father had a very bad heart condition, and my husbands parents are in their 70s. We figured we would like our child(ren) to know their grandparents. In one year we had two miscarriages, and found out I was pregnant 2 weeks after my father passed away. We figured no one is ever ready for a child, or totally prepared. We don't have great jobs or a lot of stability...but even those who do, don't necessarily make good parents. We thought if we waited until everything was perfect, it would never happen. We had our son two weeks ago...we are just in awe. We love each other so much, and our son has just made us realize that more-so. I feel like having a supportive loving family is all you NEED to succeed...everything else will work itself out.
I guess I am kind of on the fence with this. I know there is wisdom in planning. You don't want to end up with kids that you can't take care of. But, on the other hand...you can only plan so far and so well. People get pregnant on the pill and other form of birth control. You can 'plan' to get pregnant and try for years, but have nothing happen....until you decide you are done trying! I guess I have always believed in God's timing and have learned to trust that. Things don't always happen the way that I think they should, but when I look back they always seem to turn out for the best.Â
So I guess I would say, go ahead and make a loose plan - but be ready for the unexpected!
@der_lila_Stern@xanga - Uhm...I don't disagree that most kids up for adoption were unwanted. lol.
I agree wholeheartedly that those who don't want kids shouldn't have them but as a child free person, I know the kind of remarks people have when someone says they don't want kids and SOME people are just not strong enough within themselves to not cave to that pressure.
Just like the featured question: do people have kids because they want them or because of social pressure?
I think if people want to do something great for their kids, they won't keep having more because all that does is just put more stress on the earth...and then the kids will have to live their life on an even worse planet.
@ElizabethSnow@xanga - Oh hon, you really need to do some real research.
Oral birth control tells your body it is already pregnant. Also some of them (I'm not sure if it's all) thickens the vaginal mucus to slow the which helps inhibit conception.
If you are going to call any fertilized egg that doesn't implant abortion, you're going to have to talk to God, because a whole big bunch don't "take". A good percentage of those that do take don't finish out a whole first trimester.
by th by, oral contraception can even out an irregular period, smooth out cramps, and level out mood swings. Oddly enough, this makes it much easier to be married to me.
OP.
in 14 years we have not had the right time to have a baby. For a good half of them, had a surprise happened, I would have found a way to abort- I was in no way ready to raise a child, and I could not contemplate creating something for 9 months and give it away. The last few years I would carry through and raise a surprise child- I am older and able. However, at this time it would be unwise to have a child, so more Nuvaring for me.