Monday, 22 September 2008
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Do Parents "Owe" Their Child a Sibling?
by Nurse Jenna
Sometimes for better, sometimes for worse, I have a sister. I would characterize our relationship as perhaps less close than average, but certainly not distant or antagonistic. We see each other a few times a year when I make the effort to make the trip, which makes things very one-sided since the visits are not reciprocated. In this sense I feel like I “give” a lot towards maintaining a relationship and “get” very little in return, both from a practical and emotional perspective. I am aware of what I do not have when I hear about other peoples’ relationships with their siblings where they are able to talk about problems with their brothers, or sisters and are able to count on them in a time of need; I am not so certain this is the case with my sister.My very good friend, however, is an only-child. In fact, almost 30% of people are an only-child and the number is on the rise. I have talked with her about whether or not she feels she is missing out by not having a sibling. She says she feels like siblings are over-rated and she enjoys the perks of being an only-child. She feels like the relationship she has with her parents is so close partly due to the fact she is an only-child. She feels no resentment towards them for not providing her with a sibling and does not feel it would necessarily enrich her life that much to have a brother or sister. I think my relationship with my sister is case-in-point that a sibling is certainly no guarantee of a lifelong best friend.
Other people have said they feel that they think it is selfish for parents not to give their child a sibling. They feel it is unfair for a person to have to go through life “alone” without the shared experiences of growing up in the same household and then later having an extended family when parents have passed on. Interestingly though, I have found most of these people have siblings themselves; I have not found very many only-children that feel this way.
Do you think parents should provide siblings for their children? If you are an only-child, would you prefer to have a brother or sister?
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Comments (68)
i think it is better for people to have siblings.
for they have way more benefits than being an only child,
although only a few people may realize it.
some might even be against this.
the truth is, i don't even see it in me that much. :|
(i have an older sister and younger brother)
but i do see that some people who are only child are quite emotionally... different or something?
well, whatever it is, they act different.
not in a weird way but in a mean way.... (?)
they're also quite weak in some points that they only get to learn with people you are always with and have about the same age.
okay, this is confusing.
i don't really know how to explain but that is what i believe.
For me, I grew up the oldest of 4 and, while I often fought with my siblings, I've always been glad I wasn't an only child. I get along very well with 2 of them and mostly pretty well with the other. :) Because of the relationships I enjoy with my siblings I wanted my kids to have siblings - even if they don't become best friends. While I don't think it's necessary to have siblings, I think it can be beneficial. But I know alot of cases where having one child worked great for the parents and/or the kid. I don't think parents "owe" their child a sibling. I think they should have a second child if they WANT one and think it would be good for their family.
Most of the "only children" I've known grow up feeling like the world exists to serve them; they have very little concept of a world outside their own immediate needs and wants. That's not to say there aren't exceptions -- I can think of one or two off the top of my head -- but I honestly do think people just grow up better-adjusted and more equipped for life with at least one sibling. I grew up a middle of four, and honestly, I would have been happy with more siblings, not fewer. Personally, I plan on having -- and adopting -- as many children as we are physically and financially capable of raising. I don't think it's necessarily selfish to only have one, but maybe a little bit foolish and (just being honest, here) even a bit greedy; in the last 50 years, the size of the average American house has doubled, while the size of the average family has halved. I think that says a lot about our priorities as a nation, and it's a sad statement.
Ummm, yeah, I grew up being the oldest of 10 kids... wouldn't trade it for anything! You learn very early on how to live with others, toleration, etc.... I want to give that to my children! There are way more pros to having siblings than cons, IMO!
I honestly think that my sister is a BRAT... we are 7 years different soo the age gap really plays a huge part in our relationship. But I reckon if I were an only child I would be very different. because of my younger sibling I learn heaps about looking after people, sharing and loving someone other then myself at a young age. If I didnt have a sister I may or may not have got that at the age I did (this is for my circumstance not comparing with anyone or generalising.)... it might have taken me a lot long to get the same experinece.
I think having another child the more the better, is because children learn the most about being human at a young age. Whats wrong and whats right... how to talk etc etc and it becomes natural... so if at a young age they learn how to interact with other peers 24/7 it will become 2nd nature to them. I mean there will be ups and downs but thats how you learn.
I guess we should always be happy with what we have got and learn to appreciate it. Comparing and envying others never gets you anywhere... usually makes ppl very negative if anything. I also think that every child born that is a miracle and its not something us as human can control. You might plan to have a baby at a certain age but its up to fate whether you can concieve or not. "What if's" too me sometimes ruins the "now" if you get what I mean. Also sometimes I feel that when we have thing too perfect we don't get the full experience we should get from something..
I love my younger sister even though there is a huge generation gap. We are sisters maybe not best friends but not matter what blood is closer to water. Your friends can be replaced whenever you want but not family. So even if sometimes we don't get along I would never let my lil sister get hurt. She is younger so I don't expect too much from her... as long as I do my part i'm happy...
I have a younger brother, and honestly, I couldn't imagine life without him. I really think that it would be so lonely sometimes. I'd miss out on a ton of laughs, and I'd have no one to play board games with me when we were kids or watch the movies that my parents didn't want to play. Plus, nowadays, I'd have no one to play video games with or go in the pool with, without having to call a friend.
My best friend is an only child, and she often says she wishes she had a sibling. I think she feels her parents pay attention to her a little too much, and she doesn't enjoy as much freedom. It's probably nice when you're a kid and you are still attached to your parents, but once you get older and want to detach a little bit, it's kind of hard. It's like the parents of only children have such a fear of "losing" their only child, that they have a harder time letting go than parents of 2 or more children.
Just my opinion, but I think it's nicer when kids have siblings. They learn sharing, communication, and pretty much everything else about friendships with siblings. After all, they most likely were your first friend if you're not too far apart in age.
I think parents with only one child can be seen as selfish because I know a lot of people don't want to have children because I means you put in more money for the children. So when they have one and then add up the expenses they make the choice to not have anymore. Sometimes when you become a parent you realize the responsibility they have to have and then think that if they only have one it'll be easier to get a perfect child then when having more then one. hahaha I have a few theories for what selfish reasons ppl choose to not have children.
I firmly believe kids are everything... children are the future...
I grew up with my mom and, though my dad had other children, I've only met my sister once, and she's 8.
So I truly was an only child. Sure, it would have been nice to have someone to play board games with, but that's what friends are for. I didn't have to share with someone all the time, and I didn't have to worry about me never having alone time.
So, I'm quite glad I was an only child. I got to make up my own board game rules. :D
I am an only child and I have often told my parents I wish I had siblings (preferably older). I think those with siblings grow up in an environment where theirs are not the only needs and wants and consequently learn earlier to not take themselves too seriously, as well as to have a less self-ish view of the world..
I don't think parents "owe" their child another sibling. Each family should decide how many children works best in their life.
That being said, I have 3 siblings and can't imagine life without them. To each his own I guess.
I'm not an only child, but for several years of my life, I felt like one. My sister is fourteen years older than me, and my brother is ten years older than me. I know they were at home for my early childhood, but I don't remember it. My memory of homelife mainly consists of my parents and me. My sister lives seven hundred miles away, and my brother has been in and out of the house and our lives. I love my siblings, but I don't think we're as close as siblings who are closer in age. My brother and I have regular contact that involves me checking up on him, and he watches out for me, threatening people when necessary and whatnot. My sister and I talk almost every day, through phone, text, or email. I understand what you mean by not being close to your sister because for several years, my sister and I didn't talk. I was growing up and was too busy to talk to her on the phone. When I was older and interested in being a friend, she had children and a career. Now we're on good terms, though, and we have a very close relationship.
I think siblings are great. I can't imagine life without mine. They are the source of so much drama but also so much joy. You are correct though, a sibling is not a guaranteed best friend. Just because you share DNA doesn't mean your personalities will mesh. Sibling relationships require a lot of work.
My parents actually considered having another child after me so that I would have someone 'to grow up with.' Really, I'm glad they didn't. This makes me sound selfish, but I enjoyed the attention being the youngest and only one at home gave me, but then again, I don't know what I could've been missing with a younger brother or sister.
I am the oldest of 4 and I would have been very lonely as an only child. My brother had one good friend who was an only child and he was starved for companionship, it seemed! He was always at our house, playing video games and stuff, and he did say coming over to our house was better than being by himself.
I do not think parents should have to "provide" a sibling, though. Kids don't always come in pairs!
I wouldn't say that parents owe their child a sibling, but I can say this: We are in the process of loosing my mother. She is dying of cancer and I couldn't imagine going through it by myself without my brothers. And as much as I don't want to think about it, when she is gone, I would imagine I would feel really alone if I didn't have my brothers to lean on.
"I have found most of these people have siblings themselves; I have not found very many only-children that feel this way."
I think this is because of how much easier it is to immagine yourself without something you have than with something you've never experienced. (In an extreme case, I can imagine what life would be like minus a sense, but if I was missing one, I don't think I'd be able to imagine what it was like to see or smell, even if someone tried to describe it.)
I'm all in favor of siblings, but I see families with my rose tinted glasses: my sisters (one older by six years and one younger by three) and I are like a three part harmony: we're at our best when sung together, complement each other, etc.
I don't think its selfish, exactly, but it seems lonlier.
I'm debated this myself. I bounce between wanting another baby and not wanting anymore at all (which is why I haven't made a BC decision yet). My sister tells me I would be selfish if I didn't have another baby... I disagree. My daughter gets plenty of love from me and my husband. :) Only time will tell. :)
I have a younger sister and my husband is an only child. So needlesstosay this was a hot debate in my house after our first son was born and I wanted to have another to my son wouldnt grow up alone. My hubby liked being an only child, but I think it is sad to never be able to experience a sibling. Sure me and my sister fought, but now we are closer than ever and I am thankful to have her in my life. My husband will never understand that, and he will never be a "blood uncle". Sure he is an uncle to our niece (my sister's daughter) but if anything ever happened and we split up (God Forbid), he wouldn't be her uncle anymore.
Anyways I always wanted 2 kids and thankfully we have 2 boys now and I feel complete with a nice even number of children. And my sons have each other and get to have that brotherly bond that I wish my husband had. But he is content with his only child role and I guess that is ok with me.
I'm not exactly sure "owe" is the word I'd use... I do think that it is good to have siblings. You learn social skills early, which I think helped me a lot. And I didn't have to be lonely. We lived in an area where there weren't really any neighbor kids around. I drove my parents nuts because I always wanted them to play with me. Once I had siblings, I was out of their hair =) And, being I was the oldest of four, it really did give me a lot of life experience for taking care of children.
Almost all of the people I know that grew up as the only child really wish that they had siblings. Even though a bond is not guaranteed, they tell me that they think that just having the possibility of it would be worth it.
In general, I've noticed that they seem to be a bit rougher, socially. A few I know act very selfishly in an almost middle-schooler type way, even in adulthood. And they struggle with certain emotional and personal crisis that I've not had trouble with at my age because I dealt with those issues when I was little, with my siblings.
I'd also think that having your parents die would be a lot harder to deal with if you were an only child. At least, having siblings, you'd (hopefully) have each other to lean on for support.
[I'm not saying all single kids are like this... Just some of the things I've been told, what I've noticed, and some of my thoughts.]
I grew up with 2 brothers and 2 sisters. My husband had 1 brother and 1 sister. We both wanted more than 1 child. We have 3 now and I wouldn't mind another, someday. I think children learn a lot and experience a lot that they wouldn't be able to if not for siblings. Growing up with siblings teaches, sharing, caring, patience, tolerance, acceptance. You learn that to accept others ideas, you learn there's more than one way to view things, etc. The list really goes on and on. That being said, I don't blieve anyone should be made to feel guilty for only wanting one child. Raising children is a LOT of work, and, isn't for everyone. And raising 3 children at one time is a lot different than raising 1 child. And there's nothing worse than someone having a child because someone told them it was selfish not to have a second, and then having them resent that child, or not properly care for and love that child. Everyone should do what is right for their family.
@Mom2Be - 10 kids?!?
I am an only child and the first in my family to have 2 kids FOR THAT REASON! Being an only child you miss so much sometimes. I remember playing the card game war against...myself and playing nothing but one player games on nintendo like mario and zelda but my husband is one of seven and only played multi player games so we clash on gaming =P I just think it was boring and at times I was mad at my parents, having a sister or brother would've been nice.
since i was young, ive always wanted a twin. my hope is that someday, i will have twins.
From the kids perspective, I think the benefits of a sibling outweigh the issues. While you may not appreciate them when you are younger, you could get left in a situation where you are alone in the world, and having a sibling could go a long way to reducing the chance of that happening.
i'm the oldest of four and although my siblings can be... *cough* annoying... i wouldn't like to be an only child. i think that most only children turn out selfish and greedy... again, there are exceptions, but even mild cases of being a little more selfish... also i think it helps kids to have experience working out problems and negotiating with sibs.
My husband was an only child and I have have a brother. I think he misses out on the memories that my brother and I have growing up.
My mom was one of 16 kids, she has soooooo many stories about growing up on the farm. All my aunts and uncles get together and reminisce about growing up. It is a lot of fun sitting with them and hearing stories.
I am the youngest and I was actually always hoping my parents would have one more kid... I wanted to be a big sister and have a little sister. We are TTC right now and I definately want four kids. He thinks I am psycho because he was an only child and he can't imagine life with that many kids. I told him he would get used to it. :)
I loved having brothers but my best friend was only child. I don't think it matters too much
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