Monday, 22 September 2008
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An Open Letter to My Stepchildren's Mother
by Mama PigDear Mother,
You created these children with my husband prior to you realizing that being a mother and wife were not things you were overly interested in. Your loss was my gain and for that I thank you.
You know as well as I do that I have been the mother figure for these children for almost seven years. You've spent the first six of those years pretending you were a great mom when the holidays rolled around, or when Piglet3 earned another award at school.
When we heard you had a new man in your life, one that had children of his own no less, we hoped that we would see you take a more active role in the children's lives. Sadly, it remains much the same. Infrequent visits with many empty promises of more. I wish you could see the looks on their faces when you once again decide better things came along and you can't make it. I think you would be shocked at the indifference.
There was a time that a missed visit involved many tears and questions of why. These days it is pretty much just assumed you will back out, and they have stopped even bothering to pack. However, they still love you. They still crave your attention. They would still do or say just about anything to get you to look their way.
I have a vivid memory of hubby and I dropping them off at your home a few years ago. Piglet4 came running up to you trying to give you a picture he had worked on just for "mommy". He was so excited that he held it in his hand for the hour and a half drive just waiting until he saw you. He knew you would be so proud of how well he had drawn. If only you had paid attention. He ran right up to you; it had been three months since you had seen them; you brushed right past him without so much as slowing down and came to yell at my hubby about why it had taken us so long to get there. You didn't see the look on Piglet4's face, but I did. The hurt that washed over his face is not something I will forget. I hope you finally got the picture, he worked very hard on it.
I wish that you could realize that talking badly about me puts them in an awkward situation. They have come to care for me and having Mommy talk harshly places them in the position of having to take a side. That is unfair to them and puts our relationship in a difficult stance. I have never spoken harshly of you, even though you have given me many reasons to do so. I always make excuses as to why you couldn't come, why you didn't take them to Sea World, why you didn't call. Basically, I lie to them in order to protect them.
When you speak of me, please keep your real feelings to yourself. These are children that do not need to know your views about their step mother. As much as I would love to tell them that the only reason we have them is because their mom was too busy being the party girl to raise them, I always go with the "mom just needed time to get her life together so that she could be the best mom she could be."
I am not perfect. I have had a difficult time adjusting to my role. I sometimes say the wrong things, but I am always here for these children. They know that when they wake in the morning they will find me here. They know that when they go to sleep at night that the only people in the home are family members, and sometimes a friend of one of their brothers or sisters that is sleeping over. They will not be moved out of their beds for strangers. There will be food in the pantry always. Someone will always be there to pick them up from school. All things that they were unsure of that year they lived alone with you.
Wake up before it is too late. I would be more than willing to work with you in scheduling more time with them, but you have to be willing to be their mother in more than name only. Piglet3 is already pretty much gone. He loves you because you are his mother, but if he never had to visit you, I don't think he would feel cheated.
Do you have any step children? If so, have you had any difficulties relating to or getting along with their biological mother or father?
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Comments (58)
My husband is step father to 4 of our children. (I say our because he has been more of a father to them than their own dad). Our story is pretty close to yours, only their father didn't want to party, he just wanted to be a dad only when it was convenient for he and his new wife. My husband does not get along with their father and has asked to adopt them and make it legal. He would never allow that because it would make him look like a bad father! Now they are all grown. If they have a relationship with him at all it is totally initiated by them. They really don't expect too much from him anymore.
This is a compelling letter. I hope that she reads this (or some version of it) so she can be a better mother, but to tell you the truth, I don't think eve this would phase someone like that.
I have spent many years trying to make myself more important than the things going on in my mother's life to no avail, so eventually, I stopped making time for her. I stopped calling. I stopped caring that we hadn't talked in a month.
It's her loss that she may never realize. I've become the person I am with nothing more than financial help from her. All that I've taken from her is a literal list of things that I will be sure to do or not to do when I am a mother.
I don't have either or, (i'm 17) however I do have a stepmom and she treats us as if we were her own. And I'm not saying that my mom doesn't because she also went through alot to make everything great for us and I greatly appreciate her for it because I know that 'it's not that easy.
My mom and stepmom aren't friends or anything and I don't expect them to be, because that would be very very wierd, but they speak on the phone sometimes, especially now because my brother is living with my dad now and stuff.
My step is expecting one of her own now. I'm excited about having a new little half brother/sister but I'm still kind of uneasy about it because everyone tells me that after marriage, step parents tend to not take on the step children (didn't happen) and I also heard that when a new family is formed and they have kids of their own..... the step children are pretty much dead to them. (that's what my mom said.)
I don't think that Sandy would do that but my dad has a tendency of just leaving us behind and forgetting us completely. He kind of did that when sandy came in the picture, now his new child? I just don't know.
I got my venting out. Sorry :(
I've always wanted to do the stepmom thing, probably because of the challenge of overcoming the tension between everyone and knowing I can do it. I'm weird like that. :)
@lovemonkeyy@xanga - It sounds like your dad may be the issue instead of your step mom. I can tell you that I had a baby from my second husband and nothing changed between him and my first 4 children. He still loves them and treats them like his own children. He is a true dad to them. Please don't listen to your mom and give your step mom a chance.
@sugartomyhoney@xanga - I guess that from past expiriences with her father and wife made her say that but it was only that one time. It was one of those times when she was upset with me, and was on my part. :P I'm sure she didn't mean it.
I really do love my dad, and I know he loves me but throughout my whole life he was always in and out of it. I do understand that at one point things were really hard for him (when he was away) and he couldn't afford to support himself much less us.
So I'm guessing that I'm just creating a big scenario in my head that shouldn't be there.
i do hope you send it. eventho you might get a harsh reactions, it's better that she knows how much she hurts her own children. sometimes they don't know until someone actually tells them. it's a sad thing when a child can't even depend on his/her own mother. good luck!!
I think you should send the letter...
I don't have stepchildren but I have a stepmother. She is more like my mom than my birth mother has ever been or will ever be. She is the one who my children know as their grandmother. She is the one who has nursed me through broken hearts, helped me get ready for my wedding, watched my son while I gave birth to my daughter. My birth mother has met my son once, when he was like a month old and has never met my daughter.
Just so you know - it will mean so much to them that you love them regardless of blood.
@lovemonkeyy@xanga - I don't know your situation really but I'll tell you that my stepmother had 2 children after she and my dad got married (my brother when I was 8, my sister when I was 11). They are in every way my siblings and I still feel that I am in every way (but blood, of course) her daughter. I hope that your situation will be similar.
@lovemonkeyy@xanga - One of my daughters was very scared of how things would turn out before her new little brother arrived. After he came along, she found out that nothing changed except she had another little brother. My husband (her stepdad) is the one who walked her down the aisle when she got married (not her blood father) and her little brother was the ring bearer. She and her little brother are very close :) Hang in there, and wait to see what happens. I'm saying a prayer for you.
@TashaDW_18@xanga - I think that everything will be all right though. I do have a tendency of freaking out over a lot of things :)
I know that my stepmom loves me and my brother as much as she will love her own.She has done so much for us it's not even funny. I'm really excited about having a new sibling and I'm hoping for a boy. I'm the oldest and the only girl in my entire family (10 kids including cousins) and I really like having the "#1, only daughter" conversations with my dad. It makes me feel special :P
@sugartomyhoney@xanga - I really want my dad to walk me down the isle. My brother and I are really really close as well, despite the 7 year age difference and even though we argue about really really pointless things. :)
The baby is due on the 21st of October so I'm kind of doing a mental preparation thing. :) I'm sure that nothing much will change though. I'm going to love that baby just as much even though I live with my mom and not with them.
@lovemonkeyy@xanga - Just wanted to let you know, my husband and I have two children together. It in no way changed our relationship with the other children. You sound like an intelligent young woman and I hope that your dad can see that. Thank you for sharing.
There has been a ps to this story, if you will. Piglet 4 still wants his mother's approval so much that he has started to make it difficult for us here at home. He has made it known he wants to live with his mom, but both hubby and I know that the situation would not be stable. We aren't even sure she would take him in, but he is adamant. Thank you all for sharing.
She definitely needs to read that letter. (i don't have any step-children)
@mamapig - That is a tough situation and your poor son just feels so torn I'm sure. He loves his mom and probably feels like he is betraying her by loving you and that will cause issues in the family. I am speaking from experience. Even still every situation is different. I can tell by your posts that you love those children very much, you and your husband and I know you will figure out how to handle everything. Praying for wisdom for you both.
I don't have stepchildren, but I have family members who do one of whom shares your situation almost exactly. I feel for you both. It takes a good, strong woman to hold her tongue in the face of something like that.
It sounds like you are a good stepmother. Love those babies like they are yours, and they will honor you for it. My biological father died before I was born, so I was a stepchild growing up. My dad never skipped a beat. I didn't know I was a stepchild until I was told, and I was never reminded of it afterwards. His family has always been my family, and I am closer to him than I am my biological father's family. Heck, my biological father's family hasn't seen my five year old since she was five months old, and they didn't even know I was pregnant with a second child until my mother told them at Christmas. (That was about two weeks before I had the baby.) They never called, so I quit calling.
All of that to say, while it angers me, I find solace and everything I need in my "step" family because of their love for me.
Great letter! Perhaps you will be able to tell her this one day--face to face.
I cannot help but at least try to give you, the step mother, a little reassurance.
Your childrens mother, is just like my father.
I resented my mom for years because of what my father said to me, and although it took me 17 years, I finally understand that through it all it was my mom and step dad who were there for me and my dad was absent of the mind but not of the mouth.
I don't have step-children...yet. (My SO has 4 children, so if things work out as we are hoping I will have step-children soon.) I do, however, have sole custody of my own children. And my youngest daughter is like Piglet3...If she never saw her father again, she'd be just fine.
I am blessed in that my children's stepmom has been wonderful to them, for the most part - more so than their own father, even. If it weren't for her, he'd never see the children since he puts no effort at all into his relationship with them.
I applaud you for writing this letter and for the wonderful job you seem to be doing with your hubby's kids. I'm sure it's not always easy. Hopefully things will work out well with Piglet4.
Wow, that's a good letter. I feel so badly that those children have to go through this with their mother. My dad was never around when I was little, and still isn't, though we do talk occasionally. He quit coming to get me when I was 6 and I didn't see him again until I was 14, and it was completely by accident that I even saw him then.
I dunno if she'll listen to this letter, as my dad never listened to me beg him to be a father, but at least you will know you tried. And then when the children are old enough, maybe you can be honest with them. (I'm assuming they're very little and that's why you have been lying).
I love you like a Mother from reading this. Weird huh? You're a wonderful person...
I am a stepmother and my stepson and I's relationship is interesting because we're only 2 years apart! I treat him more like a brother than anything else, but I will pull out the stepmom card if I have to. He has had one other stepmom and he says he likes me better (which makes me happy!). I have never met his biological mother, although we did happen to be at the same grocery store one time. She didn't know who I was, but I recognized her right away! I didn't introduce myself, though!
This reminds me of my father. The mother in this story, pretty much is my father.
Whenever I try to show him something I am proud of, he tells me I can do better. Whenever I'm looking forward to a day with him, he cancels. Whenever he tells me he plans on taking my brother and I out for dinner and or a movie, he brings his girlfriend and her children along.
I can never make him proud, or happy. He runs away whenever I try talking to him about the way he makes me feel. He lies to me, he makes excuses. He's the one who has hurt me the most in my life. Everytime I see him, I come home in tears. I miss him, and he doesn't miss me in return.
I just wish his girlfriend was like you. She hates me, and I'm not lying about that. She's jealous that I have my father's blood, she wants my father to be her children's father. She doesn't have to worry though, he pretty much already is.
Wow. This got me going. I apologize. Excellent blog though!
@mamapig - Oh, yes, my brother (2 years younger than me) is my full-blood sibling and he did that with my stepmom and dad....he didn't get that he couldn't live with me mom because she just couldn't and wouldn't take care of us. Not because my parents were mean and hated him. He acted out alot. Since he's gotten older and had his own baby (he's 24 now) he understands more about a true parent's love - regardless of the blood connection.
omigod..this is so sad. and soooooooo shameful on her part.
i think you're an awsome stepmother.
I am not "officially" a stepmom because we aren't yet married. Â My partner has 2 children though, and he and his ex share custody 50/50. Â Â
His ex had a live-in for about 2 years, but now that they are breaking it off, his ex has decided that he should not have his kids around me (we've been together over a year and plan to stay together) or my family because "we create instability in the childrens' lives." Â Her feeling is that, unless we are married and living under one roof, the children should not know me.
This is difficult because I'm there for dinners cutting up food, I'm there taking the little girl to the potty so that Daddy doesn't have to take her in the men's room, I'm at the park, I'm at the house for playtime, I'm reading books at bedtime, I'm scaring monsters away so that they can sleep. Â My partner and I have a stable routine for them during our time with them.
Most recently the little girl says to me, "Are you going to be mean to my mommy? Â My mommy says that you are mean and will kill her." Â And the little boy takes pictures around the house and then tells me, "My mom won't want to see these because you are in them and she doesn't want to know you and you can never come in her house to see my toys there."
I wish that their little minds didn't have to absorb so much crap! Â I don't mind if his ex likes me or not, but I hope she will not speak of me to the kids in a negative way. Â It confuses and hurts them, not me.