by Mama Butterfly
I thought I'd share a few thoughts about discipline that we've found to be key in our household. I'm not going to get into specific methods, as I know that usually brings about heated opinions, and quite frankly, I'm not up for it today! Whether or not you spank, give time outs, take away privileges, ground, use "real life consequences" or any other possible method, there are various things that can affect the effectiveness of whatever you do.
First of all, I truly believe there's a big difference between discipline and punishment. In the dictionary, "punish" is defined as 'to subject to pain, loss, confinement, death, etc., as a penalty for some offense, transgression, or fault.' "Discipline" is defined as 'training to act in accordance with rules; punishment inflicted by way of correction and training.' What's the biggest difference?
Training. To punish a child doesn't usually produce the required result. Discipline is teaching and preparing a child for the future. Children need to be taught that they can't act however they choose without some sort of consequences, and consequences in the home should have some sort of teaching along with them.
Second of all, I believe discipline is a lot more about the discipline of parents than it is of the children. Often times it's a lot easier to just take it lightly, correct your child and turn your attention elsewhere than to actually follow through on said consequence. For example, R is not allowed to get into my purse, which is one of his favorite things to do when he knows he's not supposed to. The other day, I looked over at him and he was getting into it, I told him to let it go, and went about what I was doing. A few minutes later, I walked by and he still had it in his lap, so I told him again to let it alone. A few minutes later, he's still sitting there getting into it, and by now I was frustrated that he wasn't listening, so I took it away from him and kind of snapped at him angrily. We were both upset and nothing was really accomplished in that moment. A few days later, the same scenario began to happen, and I caught myself. I went over to him, got on his level and told him to let the purse alone, or x consequence would happen. I knew he understood and heard me, so I walked away. A moment later I came back and he was still playing with it. I immediately told him firmly to put it down, and then explained that because he hadn't been obedient the first time, he was going to have to have x consequence. We talked for a few minutes about being obedient, applied said consequence, and he hasn't touched the purse since.
The difference between those two incidents was me, not him. It takes discipline for me to be consistent with him, and when I am consistent, we're all a lot happier because he knows what to expect. When he is clearly aware of the rules and consequences, life is so much smoother for all of us, but it's my responsibility to actually enforce those rules consistently so that he can have the freedom to play, and live his little life knowing that he is choosing to live within the boundaries that are set for him. I can discipline him knowing that I am teaching him to grow up caring for those around him, respecting authority, and in doing so, making a way for himself in this world.
One other thing that has really helped us in our household is occasionally taking a week or so to really focus on a specific area of our kids' lives (or our own for that matter) that need a little brushing up. Every once in a while I'll start to realize that I'm having to repeat myself more often to R, or I am constantly getting frustrated with him about a specific thing. Lately, R has been developing a habit of interrupting. He's getting old enough to know that when someone else is speaking, he needs to wait until they're finished and say "excuse me." Since realizing this, we've decided to spend the next week or so really focusing on this and helping to teach him that it isn't polite or respectful, and when he does interrupt there will be a consequence, which he's aware of before hand. Not that we're ridiculous with it, but since we're trying to focus, we're probably a bit more strict with him than we would be normally, but every single time the little guy says "mom" while I'm talking, he gets a reminder to wait until I'm finished, and if he doesn't, he gets a consequence. We've seen a drastic improvement in the last few days, and it's really encouraging. I know that this issue is one that all kids deal with, usually throughout all of childhood but he's quickly grasping the idea, and that's encouraging!
I am a firm believer that it is my job as a parent to prepare my kids for their future and to do my best to teach them right from wrong while they're children and under my responsibility. I know I can't control what they become as adults, but I can do what I can to prepare them to make the right choices and decisions when the time comes.
Have you found any keys to discipline that really help in your household? Do you think there's a difference between punishment and discipline?
Comments (15)
You are SO right on...I've been trying to be more consistent with my 2 little ones as well! But it is our response that teaches and instructs what is right and what is wrong for them to do. If we don't respond with consistency they won't either!
I agree with what your doing. If Married, Don't make the mistakes of having your spouse correct the kids( Males).
They also intend of always mocking the mothers in front of the kids & now it's too late with my oldest now & my 2 other kids are also a huge mess in not following directions, orders ect.
GREAT post. There is absolutely a difference between discipline and punishment. And yes, it IS our job as parents to train our children and prepare them for the big world out there. They have learn we all have choices to make each and every day. Every choice has a consequence. Sometimes it is good, sometimes it is not so good. We have to teach our children to be critical thinkers and look beyond the right here right now this feels good mentality and examine what the consequences of their actions may be.
This is not something we are born with. We are hedonistic creatures. If left to our own devices, we will choose what feels good right now. We have to LEARN discipline in order to make choices that will benefit us in the long run.
Great post.
You have chosen a wise course here. One that will have better consequences than not. I see someone has brought in spouse participation. That is a biggie in any family. Both parents have to be in accord. And yes never put the spouse down in front of a child or let them hear you disagree with each other re your actions. Children learn very quickly from what they see and hear in the home and it can cause major problems when they are older, and loss of respect for the parent that is trying to do the disipline.
YES! There is definitely a difference between punishment and discipline and I love that you brought out that discipline is more about the parents. I know that learning how to train my children is refining how I act. I think that the most important thing is to be clear and consistent and start early!
@lifepretainingtomyids@xanga - @framaz@xanga - So very true. My hubby and I have very similar parenting styles. I agree that both parents have to be consistent together and united, even when they don't always disagree. It is something I too often take for granted in my house hold because it isn't a challenge for us. Thanks for the reminder!!
This article has given me lots to think about. About what age do you think that a child is old enough to understand being talked to...more importantly than just a No? I don't have a baby yet, but come February, I will and I want to be prepared!
And for that matter, when is a baby old enough to understand No? I wish I knew all this, but I don't.
I would be curious to know what you think of when you use the word punishment. I have never thought of punishment and discipline as being in opposition to each other. Rather, I think of punishment as being one of the tools necessary in order to teach discipline. There are other important tools as well, such as communication and encouragement.Â
I think that children push boundaries in order to find out how safe and secure they are, similarly to how babies love swaddling. Punishment is not being mean to your child, it is giving them a definate boundary that makes them feel safe and nurtured in the long run.
From what I've understood, talking to other new/young parents, the age they were discovering their children were understanding yes and no was between nine months and a year old. Any discipline used was effective when applied, even at this young age. Interesting. Excellent post.
It all boils down to consistency and follow through. Thank you, you've given this new mom some guidance and hope. :)
@scarlet_muse@xanga - To me, punishment is any type of consequence that doesn't involve a teaching element. I know that to an extent it's just a different use of words, but I've seen a lot of parents that are just applying consequences and not really teaching their kids much of anything other than "if you do something I don't like, you're really gonna get it". I think you and I are both saying the same thing, but just using different words! I totally agree that discipline/punishment forms security in a little one's life, and I truly believe that disciplined kids are happiest because they're secure in knowing their boundaries.
@death_by_chocolat@xanga - Our rule of thumb in our house is whenever they become mobile - which is often around that same time. My son started crawling around 7 months or so, and we started teaching him "no" immediately. After about a week he had it figured out! My daughter just started crawling and she's now 7 months old. We've been working with her and she's starting to get the idea. I think it's pretty important to establish that concept quite young. When they are getting into something they're not supposed to, we lightly sqeeze their hand to get their attention and say "no" firmly and move them to another location. Usually, they'll crawl right back but will eventually get the idea! I don't think enough people give that age enough credit!!
I agree 100% with consistency. ...and also that people don't give enough credit to young children - period. It makes my eye twitch when someone's child is acting up and rather than do anything about it, they just shrug and say something like, "He's only a year old..." I'm not saying the paddle needs to come out of the closet and someone's butt needs to be red, but telling them, "No." and redirecting them to something that is acceptable could help everyone involved so much.
I can't give parenting advice, but I find this topic interesting, so I will respond. I have sibs.
Push = forced behavior, immediate response
Discipline = learned behavior, matures with time
I wouldn't "push" children unless they are very young or close to harming themselves or others. If you push, they will not learn better themselves. Once they are free of your system, they will revert back to bad habits. LOL Whenever my sibs do this to me, I simply ignore them, well, unless there's a real good reason. If they won't quit, I assume they want to be played with or something and pick them up and joke around. Perhaps I am encouraging bad behavior. IDK, my family reads pretty well. If I look upset, they will generally leave me be.
I will echo many others in saying that I believe the key is consistency. Also, the expectations need to be clear and explain at a level the child understands. Sometimes your 4 year old will not know what you mean when you simply state "Don't whine." You need to make them aware of when they are doing it so they can make the connection and then impose consequences.
And it is definitely about the parents and the discipline they put on themselves to be consistent (and not get lazy!). One thing I remind myself of is to RESPOND NOT REACT. Reacting implies more of an emotional thing where responding doesn't involve emotions and is more thought through. If we discipline our kids out of angry, it is generally much less effective.Â