Wednesday, 17 September 2008
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Does Growing Up in a Single Parent Home Inhibit Your Success in Life?
[This post is a response to a Featured Question on Xanga.]
I think the answer to that question depends entirely upon how one defines as success. I do not think growing up in a single parent household affects how far you can go in life. I believe that although we are all born in all different walks of life, but our choices determine where we go and what we do with our lives. I have known people that have come from horrible home-life situations and become quite successful, and I know people who have come from "perfect" homes and have made quite a mess of their lives.That being said, I do think that a single parent home is much more challenging for a child to grow up in on many different levels. Sons need their daddies to teach them how to be men and their mothers to teach them how to respect and relate to women. Daughters need their daddies to teach them how they should be respected and their mothers to teach them how to be a woman. Obviously, I know that there are situations where single-parenting cannot be avoided, and that is part of life, but when possible, I believe both parents are best. I mean, there's a reason it takes two, ya know?
When I look at my son, at a mere 3 years old, I can already see how much he needs his dad. There is so much that B brings to his life that I could not begin to fulfill. I know that there are many discussions over "people are people and gender isn't an issue", but I just don't buy it. I know that not all boys are rambuncious and sports fanatics, but I think most boys/men are wired similarly and the same is true for most girls/women. There is a reason that R pounces on B when he walks in the door from work and they spend 10 minutes wrestling on the ground. As much as I play with R and we have fun together, I don't think he's ever asked me to wrestle with him - it's just something he does with his Daddy.
There is a family from our church that lost their mother last year due to cancer. She was only in her 30s. They have 6 kids aged from 4 to 13 and although they have an absolutely wonderful father, they miss their mama and it shows in their lives. They are surrounded with wonderful grandmas, aunts and other women, but none of them are mother and it's sad to see! They are such wonderful, well rounded kids, but a hole is still there. Watching them always makes me respect single parents so much!
All that to say, I don't think that growing up in a single parent household necessarily affects a person's success, but I do think that in most cases a single-parent child will have a lot more personal "muck" to work through as an adult. I have such wonderful parents, but I often realize, in the midst of arguments with my husband, how much my world view and how I see men was shaped, both for the good and bad, by my parents - particularly my dad. And the same is true for my husband. Often following a heated discussion we'll talk about how our miscommunication often comes from how we related to our parents of the opposite gender growing up. It's amazing how much we're shaped and we don't even know it! I also know how much I gained my self esteem in highschool from my dad. I knew he thought I was the greatest, and I wasn't out looking to find security in boys or anything else. I don't think there are too many people who would disagree that both parents are the best option, when possible (obviously, in situations of abuse it's a totally different story).
So, what do you think? Does growing up in a single parent home inhibit a child's success in life?
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Comments (17)
Rather than re-post my answer, I'll just keep it short and sweet. My asnwer to this question can be found here (feel free to comment here or on my site as you please):
http://www.xanga.com/JandJinJapan/674574585/item.html
This is such a difficult question to answer; morally and culturally. Here in the US, we are a product of our environment. You can teach your children that the differences between men and women stop at their physical make up, however, your sorrounding environment (society) tells them still there are many differences. That being said in our society at this time we still need a mom and a dad. I do not believe though they need to be under the same roof.
I came from a blended family and have become engaged to a wonderful man who is divorced with children (we've been together for 5 years) we make our relationship between the two families work for the children to hopefully ensure ultimate success. If anything, having two families teaches a young one how to adapt to different situations which may help their success.
The question does not focus on divorce as much as it is about having a mom and a dad. There are many children who grow up in alternative households. They have done just fine with their lives. I think though children feel close to their biological parents. Anyone who shows love, care and cultural norms can help a child reach success.
I think growing up in a single-parent family made me a stronger person. When my mom needed something done around the house, she didn't yell for dad to come and do it for her. She didn't have that luxury. She got up and did it herself. I'm very much the same way and I love that about myself.
I also had my grandfather in my life growing up. I'm sure it's different when you loose a parent mid-way into your childhood; you remember what it's like to have them there and are able to miss them. But if that parent has never given you the opportunity to miss them, it's different.
It seems wrong to assume that someone that doesn't grow up in a two-parent household or a household with a mom and a dad are going to have a tougher lot in life. I've seen so many male/female parents that stay together "for the children" that should really just call it a day. Abuse or just plain unhappiness are not healthy and cannot be better than having at least one happy, loving parent.
I grew up in a single parent family, while we did have the support of many other family members, I still to this day have never met my biological father. I'm in my third year of college, have been on the deans list every quarter and have worked 40 hours a week while maintaining my grades. My answer? No, especially not in this day and age where single parents have numerous resources and much more support now then ever.
I think it's all what you make of it. Growing up in a single parent family definitely changed my attitude about life. It made me decide that I didn't want to end up in a tiny town with a kid and no college education. Sure kids with single parents can make bad decisions, but kids with whole families are just as capable of making those same decisions. I'd like to see the where the data came from in the studies that say kids from single parent families turn out criminals, uneducated, etc... my guess would be it came from inner cities and places where gangs and bad education are a common theme.
I believe single parent households can be just as strong as two parent households. Children from all walks of life can turn out many different ways due to many different things, including children in two parent households. I grew up in a single parent household and honestly I think I turned out just fine. I don't believe it is right to judge people for the family they grow up in or whether people are a single parent or not. Two parent housholds have their problems also. You can't just make assumptions that because someone comes from a single parent household that they are going to have a tough time growing up, because honestly two parent households can be just as tough.
i grew up with my grandmother, and although she was wonderful to me, i feel as though i was cheated out of a lot of experiences in childhood that my peers had.
You've made many good points here; but I must share my opinion as I grew up in a 2-parent home, but my children are growing up without a father.
As a child, I knew my father loved me, yet at the same time felt that I could never please him. Now in my 30s, I still feel the same "I'll-never-be-good-enough" feelings from both my parents whenever I see them.
I married -very young, by the way -someone who let me know quite often that nothing I did was right. After he left me and my kids, I vowed that they would never, never, never do ANYTHING to make my children feel that I wasn't happy with them as people - their behavior, maybe and only when necessary; but as people - never.
My kids and I have an incredible bond - really, it's very unusual. They respect my place as their mother, but we are also best friends. I know, I know.....that's impossible. But it's not...we are proof that parents don't have to be out-of-touch with their children's worlds.
Ok...I've gotten off subject. While I would love for my children to have grown up with 2 parents who loved each other and loved them, that simply hasn't happened. So, I have done my best to make the best of what some would consider a 'bad' situation. And I don't for a second believe that they are harmed in any way by circumstances that are out of their control.
an experience(s) independent of good and bad, enriches your life. i strongly agree with your statement that we are a product of our environment, but before the environment comes the product. therefore, the product is what defines the environment. a child's success seems largely a matter of their mindset. if they think what they will become, so shall they be. vice versa.
my father was an abusive asshole before ditching. although i have had to work in labor since 15 to help cover my own expenses and am my own college fund, his ditching was one of the best things that ever happened to me. i now have self esteem that i never did before, along with a lot of independence and responsibility. as for older male influences, one of my closest friends is my 35 year old coworker (im 17 btw) who counsels me and looks out for me a lot better than my real father ever did.
I think I'm more successful because I came from a single parent home. While most of my classmates were working in retail, I was an accountant and inventory manager for a corporation. Now, I work at a non-profit. I learned to take care of myself at a young age and be independent. I learned to be a strong woman from my mom.
I had a lot of personal issues, but mostly coming from an abusive home. When I was young, my father was very abusive and my mother was always stressed. I think any child in any stressful situation is going to cause "muck". I help a non-profit that helps homeless children. That situation will shape a child's life.
What is the use of having a father or mother present if they are abusive or not present? I think having a good role model is more important in a child's life (This can be a parent or not). Luckily, I had that in my life.
I am raising my children in a single parent household, sure the sperm donor lives here but he is around if I am lucky 1 hour a day; so he might as well not be here. We have our ups and downs but we work through them as a family instead of individuality. Now when the sperm donor decides to step up to the plate and be here for more then his hour my family goes all haywire so the preference of him being here is I'd rather not less chaos, less stress.
As long as children have positive male and female role models they should be fine. Even if a mother or father might be a single parent, if they have a lot of support from the children's grandparents, aunts, uncles, or close family friends, they will get the benefit of being able to use those extended family members as role models. Now if children grow up in a single parent home without any close positive influences they probably will miss out. It does take two to "tango," but it also takes a village to raise a child. As long as there's some kind of close community made up of both men and women, the children should do well.
I just can't help but wonder how much worse I would have turned out, had I grown up watching my mother be miserable every day of her life.
That being said, I've been with my daughter's father for almost five years now. I'm very happy and I would never stay in a relationship I was unhappy in, whether there are children involved or not. I don't want my daughter to grow up thinking it's okay for her to be miserable in a relationship, too.
kids don't need parents to teach them to be men or women, nor do they need parents to teach them to respect & relate to the opposite gender.
you learn repect & relation from interaction, therefore it needs to be learned from people in general, not necessarily parents, & definitely not just parents.
& because i support the whole people are people, gender has nothing to do w/it thing, as you mentioned, no one needs to be taught how to be man or woman.
especially in the case of gender-neutral people, those who only have a gender as far as physically.
have you ever asked your kid to wrestle w/you, or vice versa?
if you haven't, i'm sure he'd like to, & if he hasn't asked, it's probably just because someone else is already doing it.
i don't think culture norms has anything to do w/being a decent parent either.
cultures have a history of being flawed, & if no one did anything differently, they -the cultures- never would've advanced.
yes, i know this post is ancient history & i probably shouldn't have commented since i waited so long, the post just stayed in my mind, i couldn't get it out.
My mother passed away when I was very young. Leaving me with no one but my father in my life to raise me. I grew up confused about many female issues, for a rather long time i thought stretch marks was cancer leaping up threw my skin.
But my dad did his best. I grew up, i have never done drugs nor drank and at 20 I am still a virgin and very proud to be so btw.
I have made my mistakes but my dad was there to support me, alone. Thus I have an amazing relationship with him BECAUSE there was no one else. Same with my sister.
Yes I miss my mom and there isnt a day that goes by that i dont wish i could remember her smile.
But I whole heartedly believe that with much dedication and love a single parent of any gender can raise a successful human being in many ways.
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