Monday, 08 September 2008
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"Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter"
by babyfever25
Hi everyone! I don't know if any of you have read this before, but it's quite funny, especially when your daughter (if you have a daughter) starts to date. Show this to your dad, husband, or guy friends, too -- they'll get a kick out of it!Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
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Comments (53)
I've read this before. Hilarious.
rule 11: if you're thinking about dating my daugter, don't.
@brandonlkj@xanga - that's a secret rule. if she finds out she'll hate dad forever and we can't have that!
lol thats great!
@blazinhott99@xanga - *whispers oooh, ok. got that!
that was one of the funniest things i've read in awhile.
This will be prominently posted in my house when my daughters start thinking about dating, right next to an autographed copy of the lyrics of "Cleaning This Gun" by Rodney Atkins.
LOVE IT!
SOOO Funny. My dad is kind of a quiet man, but I wouldn't doubt it if these were the thoughts running through his head when I started dating.
ahahahaha, that was a really good post.
i wonder if my dad's like that.
lol lol few them also my dad rule. but my sisters and i never date. and he cool with it.
LMAO THIS IS BRILLIANT.. I'll need it when i have a daughter,, hahaha
this is so funny..I need to save a copy of this for my file since my daughter is only 5.
I just read this the other day. It's part of the application to date my daughter. Hilarious!
http://www.ojar.com/view_24525.htm
Hahaha I was SO that daughter growing up!!! Gotta love papa tho!
Rule 12: If you have a tattoo in a place where the "sun don't shine" and if my daughter ever tells me about it, you are a dead man.
Haha. There was a list like that attached to the "Application to Date My Daughter". (My stepdad actually made my ex fill the application out!)
this was great, just like my pops was toward guys when i was younger. haha. and still i suppose. even my guy friends and not even dates. love and protection are wonderful things
Only 5 acres? Puh-leez... I've got thirty and a small forest, a lovely shotgun, and I'm not afraid to get my hands dirty. I am a (future) mother to be feared.
^_~ I jest, of course.
I never thought I'd see this resurface on a blog. I got it as an e-mail from my Mum when I was 14 (7 years ago), for a good laugh.
So weird.
The TV series based on these rules (or similar ones) was set in my home state - Michigan!
hilarious! This was just awesome.
so r u saying just boys have 2 follow this?hmmm...dat gives my a couple of ideas now..haha.so if i do dat...will it matter?bcuz most girls dont appear 2 b the seductive type..haha...jwk2..im a gud grl..dont wanna d8 a lot.hehe....well this is really funny.PMS!
simply hilarious
i hope my dad doesn't do all of that lol
This was a hilarious read! My dad was so strict when it came to boys. Can you believe that at the age of 17, I was still going on chaperoned dates? Talk about embarrassing...