Friday, 29 August 2008
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Some People Just Shouldn't Have Kids
by babyfever25
When I was younger, I thought every woman in the world would eventually become a mother... and a good one, too. But of course, my youthful mind was wrong because not every woman gets married and has kids (I'll get into that story some other time 
), or is even a great mother. Please don't get offended by that because most mothers are amazing, but it just seems that some people just shouldn't be parents.My best friend's neighbor, A, is a prime example of someone who should not be a parent. To make a long story short, she has two kids who are about 2-3 years old, and her way of disciplining her children is by screaming at the top of her lungs and grabbing and practically throwing them in the car, or wherever she wants them to go. She's a stay at home mom, but she always leaves her kids to go to the city with her friends. She's careless about how she spends her husband's income - she didn't pay the electrical bill once, and had the power out in her house for a few days so she could get her hair done, and... oh, it gets even better... she has a MySpace with pornographic images on it.
Is that even allowed? I mean, can't someone call Child Protective Services on her because who refuses to pay the electrical bill and leaves her kids in the dark? Obviously, something is wrong, and it ticks me off that no one does anything about it. A complains about her life to her neighbor, J, whose wife is on hospice and is dying from breast cancer. She has one to three months left to live and A is selfish enough to throw all of her problems on J and complain about how much she "hates her kids." J cursed her out but come on... is that really enough? I know it's really none of my business, but I just worry about what she does behind closed doors. Poor kids...
Have you ever wanted to say something to a mother who treats her kids horribly? Where do you draw the line between what's "none of my business" and looking out for helpless children?
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Comments (80)
i saw an article about a child who was 8 or 9 and was ignored by her mother her whole life. she sat in dirty diapers (at age 9!), was almost starved to death and couldnt talk because nobody ever taught her how. And her mother said she did the best she could!
I think this is an extreme example, but I think a big problem for parents is selfishness. Not all people realize that part of being a parent is being selfless and sacrificing for someone else!
If a child's life or future is in danger, it becomes everyone's business. Take granted, you can always call up Child Protection and remain anonymous. What you're doing could eventually save the children's future. If your neighbor A hates her kids, I doubt she will hold them kicking and screaming when Child Protection come to take them to a better home with a much more loving and caring family. A simple slap on the wrist won't do that.
Calling Child services may help. It actually changed the life of a girl I knew. Her parents were completely unfit and were leaving her with a man who was also unfit to be with children. Once the police were involved she was moved to her aunts house, which is not the greatest place in the world but it is a far better direction.
I worked at a Senior Center and I can tell you that it comes back to bite mom later on in life. I had a debate with a co-worker who thought it was horrible how this "sweet little old lady" was being treated by her daughters. They yelled at her, cut her off and hurried her along. (I'd seen this lady display some not so sweet behavior before, so I had more of a clue than my co-worker). Anyway, I got tired of hearing about it so I said "And, where do you think they learned that behavior? Ever wonder what kind of mother she was?" As for your neighbor's mom who yells at her kids, that's not enough to call child services about--honestly, we'd all get investigated if that was the case. The electric bill, too--it would depend on how long the electric was off. Your friend just needs to keep a heads up. Like if she leaves the kids alone--then that is a callable offense.
I know a lot of parents like that, and they make me sick. In all honesty, you can call Child & Family Services all you want, they won't do anything. Thats what they're good at!
I think it's really hard to judge what's going on in other people's lives... I mean, do you really know enough about their finances to know why the electricity was cut off? The husband must have a role in this, too. If it's his income, why doesn't he pay the bill? You really have no insight into the dynamics of the marriage and seem to be judging her on a lot of separate issues. Such as... saying she leaves her kids to go out with friends...? Does that make her a bad mom? Only if she's leaving very young kids alone in the house unsupervised. But if they are with their dad or a sitter, what business is it of yours or any neighbor's?
I've had friends who do things differently than I would do them - but does that make them bad moms or parents? Not necessarily. I'd be careful trying to get involved unless you (or your friend) really think the kids are in physical danger. That's the line I would draw.
I totally know what you mean. Some people can hardly take care of themselves, and they go and have kids. There was a young mom at the store with 3 kids. The lines were extremely long, but there w ere only 2 ahead of her...another woman, and then me. I think her kids were hungry, but they were touching the stuff that they put out on the checkout shelves. One of her kids sat down on the stack of sodas next to the line, and she just kept shouting 'NO NO NO NO NO' over and over again. And then she shouted, 'FINE WE'LL JUST LEAVE.' And kept shouting NO at them again. The kids didn't really seem to be stirring up any trouble....just tired and hungry. I mean, I have a hard time waiting in those lines.
i think it can be pretty brutal, but...
if you feel moved, you can and should call.regardless.While, as DrTiff said, it can be hard to judge someone else's situation...especially if your information is coming second-hand and we all know how reliable things that repeated to us are [NOT], I definitely agree that some people just should not have kids, period. It sounds like this chica has A LOT of growing up to do herself. If you haven't seen her hit her kids, I don't think it's right to call the authorities. But if you've seen abuse, I think you're obligated to. So many people 'don't want to get involved', but I think that's why so many kids are abused for years upon years before any thing is done about it. Children & Families can and will take kids if there is no power in the house and/or if there are marks on the kids.
dr. tiff...agreed.
parenting is the hardest thing anyone will ever do.
end of.
while i cannot agree with ongoing physical and mental abuse, parenting can take the stuffing out of ANYONE.
how do you know all these facts about their electricity etc?
i find that people seem to 'know' a lot about other people without really knowing the facts.
There is a family member on my fiance's side of the family who is married with two small children. They are nice enough people; they're in their early thirties (which should be prime time for parenting, right?), the father apparently makes an insane amount of money, and the wife stays at home with the children...kind of. My fiance and I cannot figure out what she does all day, because she sits at home (no job) while she hires a maid to do all the cleaning and a nanny to watch her children because she's apparently "too busy" to do it herself.
I'm all for hiring a babysitter or a nanny every now and then, especially if the mother is working, but this woman does not seem to understand that a nanny is not supposed to be a surrogate mother--as a former nanny myself, I would be angry if some mother expected me to raise her children for her (they're your kids, and I can't discipline them as well as you can, nor can they bond with me the way they should be bonding with Mommy!). I can supplement what a mother is doing and give care when a mother is unavailable, but I cannot do all child-rearing myself, and it's unfair for a mother to ask a nanny to do that.
Add this to the fact that her children lack any sort of discipline whatsoever. It's obvious that their father is too busy with work, and that their mother is selfish and would rather take time for herself than teach her children right and wrong. They're good kids--they're just young (2 and 4, I believe) and really need some structure in their lives. We've watched the two parents yell at the kids without actually setting any rules in place for them--you can't possibly expect your children to behave simply because you tell them once in awhile to "be good". Young children need consistency, and they need boundaries.
In this case, I don't fear for the children's safety--I know their parents love them, but it irritates me watching this because it seems to me that both of them are too selfish to properly raise their children. Why did you have kids at all, if you couldn't be bothered to spend any time with them? I'm afraid that the children will grow up to be just as selfish and ignorant as their parents, and it just makes me sad for them.
have your friend report them anonymously. it's better to report them and make a mistake than to do nothing and see the kids get hurt.
If there is a real problem that you can ascertain (not speculate) do something proactive and call child protection.
Mothering is hard enough without some stranger blogging about how bad you are at it and how you don't deserve to have kids.
I am all for the protection of children, I really dislike people dishing others over the net, without them knowing nor having any right of reply.
I was in a situation before where it was very tricky I was in the NAvy and my "boss" never was really very concerned about his kids, his wife really was the hands off type and he had little ones, he would leave them at day care untill forever, not that it is a crime and some days yes you need to get some things done without the kids around, but then he would lock them out in the back yard or send them out there with no toys (mind you we were in HI and it was HOT when this was happening) the youngest was always in a diaper that was soakign wet, numerous times they would come to my house becasue they were very thirsty and /or had to use the bathroom and we locked out of the house, I lived VERY close to them, it was sad, the little girls hair was never brushed or anything it was just hard to really know what to do so one day I just had enough when I saw the kids trying to get into the house and endign up using the bathroom out in the yard like animals so I called and reported them, and they were investigated, I'm not sure what ever happened becasue they moved shortly after but it was sad and I wished I could scoop those little ones up and let themlive with me but I couldn't
If she suspects the children are being mistreated in any way then she should call. I volunteered at a school one year and that was their stance on it. It's MUCH better to be safe and have CPS check into something that may end up being nothing, than to do nothing and have it be something.
A friend of mine and I always joke that people should have a license to have kids...but sometimes I'm not so sure I'm joking. It kills me to see people mistreat their kids...and I never have a problem blurting out my dislike to people I know that do it....it's hard though to poke your nose in strangers business...even though their children might really need you to.
Of course, there are bad fathers out there too. Some dads are not emotionally there for his kids, and are verbally abusive.
I kind of wish you had to take parenting classes before you had kids, but that would be hard to enforce, haha.
I think Im the type of person that should not have kids.
I love visiting my baby brother and seeing my nieces and nephews once in a while. But I have a short temper and am kind of selfish.
Im selfless when it comes to thinking about others and doing nice little things here and there. But that isnt enough for children. I simply cant just sit and take care of a child for too long.
But then again it also depends on the kid.
My cousins have lived with me almost their whole lives. Their parents couldnt afford a home yet so me and my sister raised them and took care of them during the day. And now they are both well mannered girls, very polite and know when to ask for help on something.
I can take care of them all day.
But my nieces and nephews are a little different.
My step sister is great and all but she's super inconsistant, lets them do whatever they want, and when they do something she really doesnt like she yells at them.
This has ended up with them being bratty, slower, and frustrating all around. Its weird because they are the ones I get stuck babysitting for days on end.
Like I said. Im fully aware that I am NOT mother material. Babysitter? Yea Im pretty good. I know how to keep a child happy, on scheduel, and disciplined. They know whats what when they come over Gabby's house.
But I dont have the patience to be there 24/7 for someone...
Sorry this was so long and mostly irrelevant.
lol
@Rencherry@xanga - totally. It was really frustrating one time because there used to be this kid at a school that was a super loner. and one day he came in wearing a huge sweater thing and the parents said he wasnt allowed in the pool and that we couldnt take off his sweater.
Well the staff felt bad so they let him go in anyways and when they took off the sweater you could see a ton of bruises on his back.
It was sad cause we couldnt really do anything since the parents had specifically said not to take off the sweater.
School ended like a week later but he didnt come back the next year :\
I dont really know what happened.
@DrTiff@xanga - i have to agree and say that from the outside a situation may look like something completely different from what it is. If you see her doing something abusive, you can call the authorities, but I think any normal mom has days when she has reached the end of the rope and yells. Every person has in their mind an idea of what "abuse" is too, which is a dangerous thing... but from what you are saying, it seems like it could go either direction - she could be irresponsible and treating the children poorly, OR, it could have been a bad day and she yelled, and then on a separate occasion she went to the city to hang with friends (hello? we ALL need to do that sometimes! I wish I could do it more often, its good for the soul to spend time with my friends!). Did she leave the kids alone? THAT would be unacceptable and definitely a reason to call authorities... and as far as the finances, are you close enough to the family to know that it was her that chose to spend the bill money on her hair instead of the electric bill? Because handling money poorly has become an epidemic here in the US and it is a completely separate issue from child-raising.
My questions before calling authorities on someone would be along the lines of physical abuse (but you have to have evidence before you call, unfortunately - I was heavily abused as a child, but my mother knew to always do it behind closed doors, and never got called on), abandonment, or endangerment. Neglect is also a reason - such as the kids are not being fed, clothed, etc.
Its hard because we have all been in a situation where we see a parent doing something and we think, "Oh my god! I would never..." and we judge. Which isn't fair because as I said, even the best parents have rough days and maybe her rough day is a little bit rougher than others...
who knows?
oh, but i have to agree with you on the fact that some people shouldn't have kids though.
When you say some people shouldn't be parents, I totally agree! Unfortunately we have no control over that! But it is heart wrenching to see children being mistreated in any way, shape or form. Especially when there are so many loving, amazing women out there who are unable to have children. Makes you just want to slap the one's to who do have them and try to make them realize how blessed they really are! But alas, that probably wouldn't be the wisest decision... though I've definitely felt the urge to do so on occasion!
Like several people have said, just keep an eye out with your friends' neighbor... and I agree with rencherry, ff she suspects the children are being mistreated in any way then she should call... always better safe than sorry...
I'm 16, and I hate when I see girls from school who have kids with pictures on MySpace of them out partying, drinking, and smoking pot. They just dump their kid off on their family to go out and do stuff they're not even old enough to legally do.
Oh god sometimes my stomach turns when I see people who clearly should not be having kids. There was this lady in the grocery store I saw a little while ago absolutely screaming at her two young kids and talking to them like they were stupid, I just wanted to throw my loaf of bread at her face and call the police... I couldn't stand her for 5 minutes, I can't imagine those poor children will have a lifetime with her.
Lordy! Lordy! Lordy! What rock do you and every one of your commenters live under?????? What state do you live in? I cannot believe that you have had 1119 viewings and only 23 lame comments.
Not providing electricity is neglect.
Leaving children (alone???) is neglect and endangerment
Yelling and jerking and verbalizing hate for the babies is emotional abuse.
It is the LAW to call if you suspect abuse of any sort. It is YOUR JOB as a citizen to call. The authorities can make determinations of whether she is fit to be a mother or not. It's all anonymous.
In answer to your statement....Yes, some people are not parent material. Unfortunately some folks don't realize it until after they have given birth.
If you have a problem calling, then pull the dad aside.
You're involved whether you want to be or not.
I'm only 19 but I know I'm way too selfish to have kids any time soon. However because of the way I was brought up, I would never put myself before my kids, if they do happen by accident.