Thursday, 28 August 2008
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Daughter Checklist
I'm happy to say, there's a bun in my wife's oven at the moment, and it turns out -- has two X chromosomes. So, I wanted to make a checklist of things I want to do as I raise my first child:
When picking her up at school, honk the car horn, roll down the window, wave, and yell her name as loud as possible. Also do this in wife beater and shorts.
When her friends are over, talk in a heavy Korean accent and then randomly mix it up with a Russian one. Periodically say, "I'm the cool dad!" and hand out chiclets.
Accidentally wear one of her jackets and walk around the house saying, "I don't get why this doesn't fit."
Replace all her teeny bopper posters in her room with photos of David Hasselhoff -- the greatest person ever.
Always have a cassette tape of Boyz II Men in the car and play it and say, "This is a classic." Mental note: learn lyrics to 'End of the Road' and 'Cooley High Harmony'
Tell her she needs to go to Harvard. Do this starting at kindergarten.
When talking to her on the phone, pretend it's long distance and talk really loud.
Always label her lunches "my little pumpkin" and put gold stars on. Start doing this when she goes to college.
Give her a brick phone as her first phone and start by saying, "When i was your age..."
When her friends are around, make it a point to use your middle finger when pointing at things. "Look over there!"
Have a photo album labeled "Daughter's Boyfriend Brag Book." Fill it with photo shopped pictures of me with guns, knives, beheaded bears,and surgical tools. Extra points for dried blood on some photos.
If she starts wearing clothes I feel are slightly inappropriate -- do not chastise her. Instead, find out where she bought the clothes and buy extra large versions and wear it. Extra points if you synchronize with her.
Buy her a ladder and say, "You're gonna sneak out your room through the window any way, might as well make sure you're safe when you do it." But then hide the moat with alligators and bear traps you put around the house.
Show birth video in reverse when she's bad and then say, "Mommy's gonna get you."
Record the word "da da." Put a tape player underneath her crib and loop it. Then bet mom that her first word is gonna be yours.
And finally, love her with all your heart and raise her to be the beautiful person she is.
What would you put on your kid checklist?
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Comments (20)
this is awesome.i was cracking up as i read it.
LMAO! I dare not show this to my husband. LOL! We have two daughters... guess we're a little late on some stuff on the list. LOL
haha
HILARIOUS! yeah, i'd have to add to the list:
Tell her mom is "under the weather" when its time to buy her first bra. Tell her you will take her shopping for this instead. Then beam proudly, telling every passer-by what you are daughter are doing today is buying her "VERY FIRST BRA!"
(note: this exact thing didn't happen to me, but my younger brother who was 5 years younger, went with me and my mom and he kept talking REALLY loud and asking questions like "Howcome you are getting one of those for HER?! She doesn't even need one!" and equally mortifying things like that.)
Also, put on songs like "Hey Ya" and, um... "Baby Got Back" when her friends are trying to "hang out" and play them really loud and dance your butt off to them, in front of her friends. Do this only between the ages of 12 and 18. Super cool.
thumbs up and good luck!
my husband wants to not say a word when her first date comes over (or any date for that matter) just ahve a little shelf and while the boy is waiting, simply get up grap a shot gum shell, write his name on it and place it on the shelf, then look at him and say only this "That is my life and she will be home at_____ o'clock do we understnad?" and that's all. I think it is really funny.
@Gunnermom@xanga - lmao. my husband wants to do something of the same.
LOL. I don't know what I would add to the list...but that's hysterical. You are going to make a great dad to that little bun in the oven.
lol that was the funniest think ive read all day! Poor girl if you actually do any of that to her!
@mamaseahorse - Most definitely keep the sound track blaring. Don't forget to mix in some Korean tracks with tidbits of Engrish. That's hot. ;]
LOL awesome!
hilarious! that is the best list ever! I especially love the idea of duplicating your daughter's outfits. truly inspired!
I have a feeling your daughter wont be very well adjusted, but if she's half as funny as you, she wont need to be :D
Haha -- wow! These are great. I love some of the other comments too. I am glad I did not have a little girl! Good luck with that! <33
this is hilarious!!!!!
CONGRATULATIONS, Chris! Very exciting! Also - excellent list. You are definitely all set to be a dad!
this was so fun to read! I'll have to show this to my hubby to keep as mental notes with our little girl.
Offer to have her prom dress custom-made.
Then take her to an Amish tailor.
@lotta_valdez@xanga - that is an awesome idea
I dont know. The Harvard thing could bit you in the checkbook, if she decides to attend school there.
I'm going to have nightmares..."mommy's gonna get you"... SCARY! Luckily, I didn't date a whole lot when I was living at home, so I didn't have to deal with the awkward father/boyfriend talk. That's a great list, and congrats on the news! Little girls are fun!