Monday, 25 August 2008
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Does Wanting Another Baby Make Me Selfish?
by Mama Monkey
My youngest little man is just about to be 2. I can hardly believe his birthday is truly only 2 weeks away. In the last few months (k- maybe more than few...try 6 or so) I have found myself wanting to have another baby. It is a very strong urge for me, that I also felt with my second and third. After we had 2, my hubs said we were done...then he changed his mind (k - I might have had something to do with that). Then, after the 3rd, he said we were done again...and he has changed his mind again (without quite as much coaxing required from me). So, we have been trying for baby #4 for about 4 months now.
With all my others, I got pregnant quite easily and I suppose I am spoiled that way. So much so that 4 months of not being pregnant is driving me crazy. I know it isn't right. I know that there are couples that struggle for years and are still unable to conceive. I am very happy to have the 3 wonderful boys that I have now...but I want more. Does that make me selfish and awful?
I have heard those who say that anyone who wants more than 2 biological children is just plain selfish. Why is 2 the magical number?
I have heard all the claims that parents just don't have the time, energy or monetary resources to have so many kids. I say, I have all the love I could need and that is what really matters. I grew up in a family of 7 and have always seen myself having a big family. I have joked with my husband about wanting one every couple of years until I hit menopause...to which he quickly responded 'I'll get fixed before that happens.' I just absolutely love and adore children and want a houseful of them. How does that make me awful?
I have to admit that it has gotten kind of bad though and is almost bordering on an obsession. I want to be pregnant NOW! I have done all I can to try to find my 'fertile times,' but I have never been very regular. I am dreaming about it constantly and making myself sick thinking about it (or is that morning sickness....) I am trying not to bug my husband about it, 'cuz he is nowhere near as anxious as I am and I don't want to annoy him or make him think that is all I care about. I truly am trying not to think about it so much, but I am having no luck. I am constantly looking on-line for early pregnancy signs. I need to calm down and be more patient. This is ridiculous....
So, I just had to rant about that a bit. I need to get it out of my system...but it seems to have served only to make me think about it more. Oh well.Anyone else trying to conceive? Do you think it's selfish to want more than 2 biological children?
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Comments (48)
I don't know if it's selfish or not... but I think the argument for 2 as the "magic number" is that you & your partner are replacing yourselves... beyond that, you are adding more to the planet!
Although I am stopping at 2, I don't judge anyone who wants more - we should be free to determine whatever family size we want!
I totally dont understand how it could be selfish to want more than 2 biological children. How does that even makes sense!?!?
I know the feeling of being anxious for children. While I am still pretty young, I would love to have children now. (I think of myself as young still, but not too young for kids. I have had people tell me to wait longer - to enjoy life. And then there is the opinion of 'have em early, enjoy life later' I figure I am 23, I have done a lot - I want kids. That will be enjoying life to me!) But hubby says 'no way' He wants to wait another year or 2 (or maybe even 6... but I will convince him before 6!!) Its really hard to really want children but have to wait... I dont know how people deal with repeated disappointments. (And I hope I never know....)
My point: you arent selfish! and I think it is natural to become obsessed with pregnancy and babies when you really want them!
I have three so I don't believe that wanting more than two is selfish.
But we don't use bc of any kind - we just take children as God gives them to us...so far, that is only three, but I don't know what God has in store for me over the next 15 years or so...
As long as you can provide for them, I don't think it's selfish. Not any more selfish than I am, when I can probably concieve quite easily, but that's the last thing I want right now.
Whoever said that it's selfish needs a reality check. As for us, we would like 4 kids...and with that, to have 2 more before I turn 30...which thankfully isn't for another 5 years. I love having one, and although I think I would go crazy having another so soon, I'm grateful that my desires of having a natural birth means that we have to wait until our son is 2 before conceiving.
I don't think you are selfish at all. We live in a free country, and people should definitely not be able to tell us how many children we can have. I have always wanted lots of kids. My husband and I have 3 right now, and they are 3 years apart from the first to the third. :) I am open to more (if I can convince my husband), but I'll probably wait a little bit longer this time. My first two are 15 months apart, then the next are 22 months apart. That's a LOT of work, but I love it! (Ok, I won't lie, sometimes, I feel like I might go crazy.) And just quit stressing, that's when you'll get pregnant. We tried for 2 years with our first, and I had all but given up when we finally got pregnant. The next two came much quicker, obviously. :) Good luck!
I can see why people would think it is selfish. There are plenty of children in this country and around the world who would love to have a good family of loving parents and loving siblings to be a part of.
While I can't fault anyone for wanting their own biological offspring, once you have one or two of your own, if you really feel like you have the resources (whatever those may be) then I think adoption should be considered. I'm not going to say two is the magic number or 4 or what.
People used to have huge families because birth control wasn't available, infant and childhood mortality rates were higher, you need some kids to pass the homestead onto, there were more resources in the world, etc. There really is no need to have so many children anymore and as things become more costly, I personally don't think it's fair to put my multiple children at a disadvantage to their peers by not being able to afford to send them to good schools, college, etc. Sure people make great lives for themselves without these things but why not give your children every advantage you can?
I don't get down on people for how many kids they have or want or don't want. This is America and we don't restrict population growth. We have one child, by choice, and I doubt we'll want more in the future, but if we do, we'll explore adoption.
I have 5.... I don't believe there is anything selfish about it, we pay for them, support them, love them and cherish them.
While I wholeheartedly support adoption, and fostering, those of us who are good parents should not be made to feel guilty for those who can not (through circumstances), wont or refuse to take care of their own children.
x
Just my opinion, but sometimes I think that people who DON'T want children are selfish. The whole mindest of "Oh they don't fit into my lifestyle, too much work, I want to be able to live MY life, my way, with no interferences." I think if your motives are pure in wanting more children, i.e. you simply enjoy raising children in a home of love, that's great!
Trying to conceive in itself is an obsession. Whether you have no children or one. I know, I'm there myself. Trying for number one for just over six years, with just finding a doctor to help, just about 7 months ago.
Wanting more children then 2 is not selfish. I don't find 2 a magic number. I feel that if you have the love and the energy for a large family go for it! There is nothing wrong with wanting that..
Good luck on your journey, and hope you get your positive soon :)
Well, first off, you are NOT selfish. Children are a blessing from God and I think wanting more than 2 children is a good thing. We have two and I also want more, although we're taking a little "break" right now. We'll have 2 or 3 more down the road (I'm 24, so I have time).
I'm with you though, when we're trying to conceive, it's ALL I think about. I think it's the excitement of the unknown!! Good luck! I'll be excited to hear the good news! :)
Children are such a blessing to our lives - wanting more is not selfish. Mothering children requires a lot of selflessness. We have been blessed with children both biologically and through the miracle that is adoption. We are eagerly awaiting bringing home our 4th through adoption via Ethiopia. Each one the wait is harder, and the love is multiplied.
I think it's wonderful that you want more and are trying for number four. We stopped at two because pregnancy was... it was awful. LOL. I really wanted four myself but physical and fiscal issues stopped us. Have fun!
Having more than two children isn't a problem. As long as all the children are healthy, happy, and loved, what's wrong with that? =P
No way! If you can afford to have another one...do it! I have a feeling I'm going to have a big family too. My daughter is only 3 months, and I've been wanting to try again after only two weeks! When you find out how that little bundle in your belly makes you feel after they are born.. how could you not want another?
I only have one so far, but will more than likely have more than 2. I am not trying to conceive quite yet, but will be in a couple more months. I think kids benefit from more siblings. They may not be getting as much direct one on one attention from their parents, but the relationships between siblings more than makes up for that. As for the population thing, I guess we'll replace me and my husband and a few spinsters.
it's not selfish if u are capable of taking care of them. having children is a huge responsibility, and i can see why some people may say having too many when you can't manage could be selfish. i've seen many families who are so stricken by poverty their children are starving. Yet instead of feeding them, the parents just keep producing more babies. but since that's probably not the case with you, it should be perfectly fine.
a word of advice : don't get into anxiety over the pregnancy issue. it decreases the likelihood of pregnancy, actually. just relax, let things happen naturally. the body reacts to mental stress; many symptoms are often stress-induced. it could affect your fertility cycles..so pretty much you just have to relax.. good luck!
Selfish? No. I guess some people look at it as anything more than "replacing" yourself and your partner in this world is over-kill...maybe that's why 2 is the "magic" number...? I have a laundry list of why I only want one and Tim agrees...it's not a rule by which to measure everyone else; it's simply what works for us. If you have the patience and energy for more than one? Bless you!
From what I've heard, the quickest way to get pregnant is to quit trying and go on the pill. LOL. Hey, it worked for me...13 months of trying with my ex, I got back on the pill when things went South there, 9 months later Tim and I found out we were pregnant!
it's not selfish at all it's your life and you're not hurting anyone by wanting more kids.....but make sure you can afford them before you try and get pregnant again! we've all heard the horror stories about people who have too many kids and can't afford to take care of them but if you can....then go for it!
I don't think it's selfish to want more children, as long as you have plenty of love to go around and want to take care of them the best that you can. I DO think it's selfish to have children when you KNOW you are unable to support them, or when you want them for the "sake" of having kids. The "sake" of having kids, you ask? It's like where people want a puppy for Christmas, but after they've had it a bit, they don't want to take care of it. My aunt and uncle were like this when they had kids - they wanted to have and keep them (my other aunt and uncle offered to adopt the kids when they were first born because our entire family knew they weren't meant to be parents), and now they don't take care of them. My uncle has always been an alcoholic and now has no contact with the kids, and the aunt has no drive to really take care of them - my oldest cousin out of the two kids even lived with us for a year because the mother cared more for her boyfriend than her own child.
So if you can't put your children before your own interests, then you're selfish. If you want children but don't want to take care of them, then you're selfish. But if you want as many children as possible and want to give them as much love and care as possible, then that's not selfish. That's just a desire to be a good mother. I don't think you're selfish.
It is selfish. stop breeding already. there are too many people already. ever hear of birth control. the next thing this planet needs is excessive breeding. i tihnk that each family should have 1 child adn then get their tubes tied and the male permanent birth control only animals breed a lot. if you want kids, go adopt some.
Thanks for all the encouraging words. I am going to try (am trying) not to stress about it too much cuz' I know stressing doesn't help things. I will definitely let you know if/when something happens.
My hubs and I have also talked about adoption/foster care when we are done having 'our own kids'.
To want more children is certainly not selfish, unless it's for selfish reasons. And I only consider it obsessing if you take matters to the extreme, in an effort to try and conceive. God knows what's best for you, so maybe you should just let it go if it doesn't happen. I've known several couples who had a crew of healthy kids, but had to have one more. It ended up being a difficult pregnancy, and the baby was born with some serious health problems. Whatever you decide to do, here's wishing you all the best.
Adoption is a remarkable experience. I can say this, as the parent of an adopted child. Simply remarkable. It brings its own set of issues, especially in later years, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.
@der_lila_Stern@xanga - just remember that babies are for the young... they require enormous energy. But, you're right, they add so much fun to life. It's not always easy, but you'll wonder what you ever did without them.
Good luck.