by Mama Hippo
I try to always be thankful for what I have. Even when I'm having a rough time with D, I think about the stories of babies that I've heard that are much harder to deal with, so I remember that I'm still pretty lucky. For the most part, D is such a great kid and he really hasn't been that tough.
But every once in a while I start to feel down, overwhelmed, exhausted, I look at others around me and start to feel jealous. I try to avoid or ignore it, but sometimes that's hard to do. I feel myself slipping into one of those slumps right now. Maybe it's because D has been grumpier lately, or the lack of sleep from frequent wake-ups last night, or who knows what other combination of factors. So I feel a bit envious of families who have it easier than we do.
Families whose babies started sleeping through the night at 8 weeks, who have family nearby that can easily pop in for an afternoon, rather than needing to be flown from halfway around the world. Whose babies actually follow the behavior patterns that books describe. For whom all the most popular pieces of advice that float around about babies actually work. Whose babies take decent, long naps during the day. Whose babies don't have food allergies, and can go longer than 2 hours between feedings.
I even feel jealous of moms who formula feed. Yes, I am glad to be breastfeeding D and giving him everything that goes along with it. But there are days when GOSH, it would be nice to pick out my outfit based on what I want to wear, rather than on how easy it is to breastfeed in. It would be nice even to let someone else do night feedings so I can get some sleep, or just be able to have ice cream or a cappuccino from time to time. I feel selfish for focusing on these things, when in the long run, having to give them up for even a year is a relatively short period of time when you consider the rest of your lifetime; however, some days it's hard to see past today.
And more than that, I'm jealous of those mothers who immediately felt that rush of love and devotion on that very first meeting with their babies. Who knew in that instant already that their hearts had never been so full, and who already felt like they could not fathom their lives without their little one. Who don't seem to mind the night wakings, and who love their babies and motherhood so much that they cannot wait to have more children. I thought I would be like that and I'm not, and that has possibly been one of the biggest disappointments of my life.
I have this funny belief that if I complain about D, then kid #2 will end up being a colicky demon who never sleeps, and God will be sitting up there laughing at me saying, "And you thought the first kid was tough? HA!" I know that's silly and somewhat twisted, but I guess it partially comes out of my fear of not knowing how I'd be able to manage with a more challenging child. And so I struggle with trying to be positive and recognize the ways in which D is great and wonderful, and easier than so many other kids, while realizing at the same time that I need to give myself credit because this IS hard. I'm trying to find the balance between those 2 things.
Do you ever feel jealous of other moms? How do you deal with your envy?
Comments (23)
I think jealousy, though an awful feeling that most try to avoid, is normal. Im jealous of other moms for various reasons.
I think its important that when I start to feel that way, I step back. I tell my husband I need some time and I go out with my friends or I go to a movie. Hell, sometimes I tell him to take our daughter and go somewhere and I sleep or I watch TV. It makes me feel normal and I feel more refreshed.
Wow, I'm completely with you. I miss cheese and ice-cream so much. And sometimes I wish I could lay down to sleep without worrying if my son is going to wake up in the next hour. I think you have the right attitude about your frustrations--they last a relatively short time. But that doesn't make them any less frustrating!
I think we all feel that way sometimes. The grass is always greener on the other side. We only see what we want to see about other moms and children, or what they want us to see. The moms who say they love every minute with their child(ren) are never telling the whole truth. I love my kids, and wouldn't change anything about them, but at the same time, some days, I want to go insane when my 3 year old, who doesn't fit what any book says a 3 year old should be like, is screaming at me about something trivial. It is ok to pout about it sometimes, or feel slightly jealous, but when you are able to pull yourself back out of your slump, just remember that you are not alone. Being a mom is the toughest job anyone can have, whether you stay home or go to work, it's all difficult. Being a mom is a 24/7 job, and it takes a lot of strength. So, give yourself a pat on the back, and remember that someday you're gonna miss this. That's what I keep telling myself, anyways. :)
I think it's important to remember that nothing (and no family) is every as good as it looks from the outside! Everyone has their own challenges - that is true in parenting as well as in many other areas.
But, yes, I am jealous of people who have involved grandparents who live nearby and can babysit! haha.
I get jealous of my bf because he has his parents 10 minutes away and mine are a plane ride away. So, while he can drop baby off whenever he wants to do something, I can't. It's hard to explain that to him, and it's hard to feel that kind of jealousy within your own home. I tell myself all the time that I am lucky that baby z is so good, but sometimes...you need to just wallow in stuff.
I agree with Luv2B..."We only see what we want to see about other moms and children, or what they want us to see." It's easy to look at the surface of someone else's life and paint a rosey picture in the gaps of time that take place behind closed doors that you don't see.
At this point, I can't say that I've experienced jealousy of other moms. I've been fortunate and I'm thankful. Now, call me in three months when I'm being woken up every two hours (hint: I once I had the qoute, "I will not compromise my music, my ideals or my nap schedule." pasted to my old PC monitor) and we'll discuss this more indepth then.
I find myself being jealous of stay at home moms that don't have bills or other thngs to worry about, but it doesn't affect my life in any way and it is rare. I see my son as an individual and I don't compare him to other babies. My son is my son. The choices I make in raising him are my own, if I don't like something about what I am doing I can always change it or do soemthing else.
I always think that everyone has problems so trading lives with someone else would only be trading my flaws and problems for theirs.
I'm jealous of other moms who got thin really quick and who have husbands that make enough money for them to stay at home. Fortunately those two issues can be resolved over time. Otherwise my biggest jealousy is the breastfeeding issue. I try not to think about it.
I never get jealous of other moms as far as anything about their babies go. I make my own choices for my own reasons as far as things like breastfeeding, sleeping, etc. I don't care if my baby sleeps through the night or not, I usually don't anyway so why should she? However, sometimes I get jealous of other moms that can keep their house clean while caring for their babies because I can't! I was never a very motivated housekeeper anyway, and now I don't have the time to keep up, especially with providing the level of care for my daughter that my husband and I want. I'll admit it's petty and mean of me, but when I see or hear of a mom who has a neat house in addition to her children, I imagine that she must let her children cry and not give them as much attention as I give my child, because that's the only way that I'd have enough time to work on the house too.
I liked your line about choosing what to wear based on its ease for BF. I do the same thing, I don't know how many times I've wanted to buy something cute for myself then passed on it because I wouldn't be able to nurse easily or at all with it.
YES. i get jealous.
ESPECIALLY if on top of all that you mentioned, they lose all the baby weight in a nanosecond and say things like, "the weight just flew off!"
on the flip side, i guess i'm sort of lucky that i still have my belly gut cause it's easy to rest my baby on it as i hold her.
lucky me :)
i don't feel jealous of other moms.
I also think that it is a very normal feeling to have at times. Like others have stated, we generally don't see ALL of what happens in other homes and things can look much better to outside eyes. Often, that mother you are jealous of for reason a is jealous of you for reason b. I don't think it is necessarily unhealthy, as long as you don't let yourself wallow in it or beat yourself up because that mom does something 'better' than you.
For me, the biggest thing is the mom who loose the baby weight so quick. Even with breastfeeding, I have not been able to loose baby weight.
The only time I have felt jealous (and it's not of other moms) is when I saw younger kids than my son starting to walk. My son didn't start walking until he was 14 months old, and I hear everyone else saying, "Oh, my baby started walking at 10 months!" I'm like... well wtf? lol.
And I'm a stay-at-home mom... but I get jealous of the moms that get to work, lol. But I do go to college, and that's like my "work".
And trust me... all you non stay-at-home moms... you might think it would be wonderful to stay at home all day with your kids... but let me tell you... you will be going crazy.
I love my son, but sometimes you just need a break. And when you have your kids with you all day, it's hard to get stuff done or go shopping or anything.
I'm sorry for your struggles. It's hard when things aren't the way we thought they would be. It's hard when everyone else seems to have it easy while we struggle to maintain sanity.
I have tried for 16 years to have a baby. I got pregnant for the first time two months ago, but I just miscarried. I'm very jealous of other moms. They have what I want. They have what I deserve. I didn't ask for this. Why can't I be them?
We don't always get what we want. How do we bring ourselves...force ourselves, to stay strong and be grateful? Idk. Idk. How much can I take? You? People tell me I'm strong....but I don't want to be strong. I'm tired. Are you tired? This will all pass, it's true. But how do we survive to the other side? This isn't what I thought it would be like and I can't control it. I don't understand why this has to be my life.
I think maybe most of us have been jealous. I never had a child that slept through the night, I never had the experience of my children's father being by side lovingly supporting me, I'm fat while my friend has a supermodel's body after four kids, while I have a 64 year old body after four kids. Could it be that you are going through a depression??? We all do, and we all need love and support and people who understand us. I commend you for breastfeeding, I never had the opportunity to breast feed past 6 weeks for each of my children, the 1st child it was due to medical reasons, and with my other children is that I had to go straight to work, and I wasn't able to pump @ my jobs, or pump on the city bus. Sweety we all have physical and emotional struggles, find those who care and understand, understand you have struggles and try with others to work through them and in the end have a fulfilling smile through all the hardships
YES, YES, YES.....Jealous of people with family nearby, jealous of babies that sleep thru the night, and jealous of people that lose all the baby weight.
All I can say is it does get better. And I just had baby #2 and I don't know if it is that she is an easier baby than #1 or if it is just that you are now in baby mode. But how you feel is how I felt with #1.
Don't worry you'll get thru it.
Of course I think it's normal. With my son Dallas(I also call him D sometimes lol) he ate ALL THE TIME it seemed so I remember being so tired my eyelids hurt. I couldn't seem to pump any milk to save my life so I was doing all the feeding. I got no sleep because he never slept for more than 30 min at a time. That was before I learned that they can APPEAR to be eating but actually be sleeping and using the breast as a paci in their sleep. lol He would fall asleep after eating for like 5 min and then he'd SEEM to nurse 30-45 min and when I took him off it woke him up and he'd root. I felt like all I did was feed him. My friend's baby slept through the night at 8 weeks. UGH! Breastfeeding is hard but SO worth it. I nursed my son until 18 months when he weaned himself and I am happy to say it's one of the best things I've ever done. He's the healthiest happiest and most active 2 yr old I know! I think we all tend to feel overwhelmed with motherhood somedays, I know I do especially now that I have a 2 yr old and a 2 month old, I feel like I sometimes lose myself to my "momness" lol anyway to answer your question, yes I've felt that way and honestly what snapped me out of it was a friend of mine lost her baby to sids while I was having those problems with Dallas and it made me realize there is NO amount of sleep worth losing a baby, so I was grateful from then on that I still had a baby to be difficult for me. it's a sad way to look at it but it did make me appreciate him so much more.
Hey,
Haha.. It is tough, isn't it? I've been through varying stages in my life, where I'd want a small family, then a large family, and now I'm tettering between having 2 children and no children at all. n.n; haha. Don't get me wrong.. I'm sure one day I'll enjoy the idea more, but for now.. I'm kind of afraid of it, you know? Anywho.
What made you decide to breastfeed, if I may ask?
<3,
~*Akarui Mitsukai*~
Man..... and here I thought I was the only sleep deprived mother of a binary baby! ha ha ha
We all have our challenges. Some days I think it would be GREAT to have another baby and give our little buppy a brother or sister. Then there are the other 5 days in the week when I've not slept more then a few hours each night and I can't even FATHOM how I would manage another child. I love my daughter beyond belief. I wouldn't go back to life without her and I adore being her mommy. But WHOA ! What a challenge! I think part of it stems from the fact I am an older mommy. I was set in my ways. In some ways being an older mommy is good... in other ways ... it is challenging.
Breastfeeding moms can't have ice cream?
Really?
Why?
I think I am most jeleous of moms who have family close by. My mom is my best frined and it saddens me that I am so far away for her. I see her about twice a year and it takes about 16 hours to get to her. Bus soon enough I'll be living near her when my hubby deploys. So I guess in order to get one thing I give up another.
I'm also jelous of mom's who have such an easy time breastfeeding. I had BAD mastitis for the first three weeks and it cause my supply to all but dissappear. It was sad.
My daughter is so well behaved most of the time that when she is grumpy and cranky it is all the worse. I imagine that cranky kids you just get used to them being cranky. But when you have an angel kid, the bad days seem to be all the worse. But I too an afraid to complain, cuz I have 2 months till my next child makes her debute in the world, and I'm afraid she;ll be even worse if I'm not just thnkful for what I have!
@akarui_mitsukai@xanga - It was never a question to me of whether I would breastfeed, or at least try to. After hearing all the benefits to mom and baby I was pretty dead-set on doing so. It was really hard in the beginning and I often thought about quitting, but I promised myself I'd make it at least till 2 months (which is when most moms will tell you it gets much much easier) and here I am, he's almost 7 months and it's been tough but I'm very very glad to be doing this for him.
@lotta_valdez@xanga - My son has a dairy allergy. If I eat any dairy that particular protein gets passed down to him through my breastmilk and he has a reaction. Thus, I can't have any dairy. It's not usually a problem for breastfeeding moms, I think only 2-3% of kids have food allergies like this.
@evilangelrena - Wow, I am so sorry. You've definitely put this in perspective for me. I'm sorry you have suffered so much, and I wish you the best of luck and hope you are ale to have that child you so desire and deserve.
Oh? Is there a good site out there that lists the pros and cons of breastfeeding? I'd be interested in finding some one day. :) Any tips or suggestions, or just information in general, would be greatly appreciated. Thanks! :)
<3,
~*Akarui Mitsukai*~