Insecurity at All Ages

Wednesday, 13 August 2008

Insecurity at All Ages
by Mama Dragonfly
Sometimes I feel like I have never grown out of that insecure shell of a thirteen year old. The little skinny girl who is unsure about her standing in life; the middle child who looks at the parents for approval; the supposed smart one but neither pretty nor popular who wants to be liked by all around her in spite of herself. Yes, that girl inside me never completely goes away no matter how I've tried to exorcise her.

This is all very strange because I am more than old enough to be sure of my standing in life; and more than capable of performing many numerous tasks-- in fact, people look to me for answers to their problems either at home or at work. Nothing quite like a person who is unsure of herself but is responsible for everyone and everything else.

At home, I pay the bills, talk to service people when need to be, plan most vacations, plan for investment, know when to make appointments for everyone and worry about everything that needs to be done. But when you are not sure if what you are doing is the best possible way, you feel like you need approval from people that you are doing it for. Just now, Papa Dragonfly said, "What? You did not sign up for text messaging option for Dragonfly1? She'll be the outcast at Middle School!" This is after I spent twenty minutes on the phone waiting for customer service, and fifteen minutes signing up for the additional line. We are already spending over $110 for the three of us, and besides, I do not think a sixth grader needs to be text messaging. So I opted out of text messaging. But when I heard him criticizing my decision, he hit a very raw nerve. To hear that I may have made my daughter an outcast is more than I could bear regardless of how ridiculous I think his tongue-in-cheek comment is. And when I feel insecure, I react disproportionately to the cause. I snap at people.

It's the same scenario with everything else, like the time I returned the rented violin for my daughter and not asked for the rental credits to go towards the purchase of a new one because I did not remember the details of the contract. Then after the fact, Papa Dragonfly said, "I told you to ask for discount," and I really did not recall him reminding me that. So of course, once again, I got defensive.

Deep down, I know the reason why I react the way I do to any hindsighted suggestion from him-- that old enemy of mine called insecurity. I am never sure if I am doing the best for the family and I make do with what I think is right, but that nagging feeling at the back of my mind is always lingering and asking myself if I am all that I could be.

I hope one of these days I'll find the spell to wart off self-doubts, and learn to accept inadequacies as part of my growing process (no matter how old I get) and be able to shrug off his opinion - no matter how late in offering - as "Oh, Well. Maybe next time..."
Did you have any insecurities growing up? Do they still affect you today?