Tuesday, 12 August 2008
-
More on Child Favoritism
When I wrote my last post about favoring one child over another, I was merely trying to point out the different types of love we may experience at different stages in our children's lives. For me personally, I don't have an actual favorite between my two kids. My relationship with my toddler is very different from that of my infant. There is a history and relationship there with my toddler that I don't yet have with my baby, but that doesn't in any way mean that I love him more. It's just different and I know that the relationship will come in time with my daughter as she grows. There are days when I can feel terribly guilty because I feel like my relationship is stronger with my toddler, but I remind myself that you can only have so much of a relationship with a baby, and she isn't going to be a baby forever. We have close family friends who have 3 (now grown) children. Years ago, their family was in a horrific car accident that left them all injured and in the hospital for weeks. They lost a 4 month old baby boy in that accident. They have often spoke of the unimaginable pain of losing a child, and throughout the years, have counseled families that have also lost children. They have often spoken about how counseling someone who has lost an older child vs. a baby is very different because those that lose a baby don't have the history, memories, or relationship there. We all love our kids so strongly it hurts, but the older they get, the deeper our relationship with them grows. I have 3 younger siblings and we're all spaced very far apart. My youngest sister is 7. My mom and I are best friends and although I know she loves us all the same, and I have never felt any favoritism between any of us, the relationship she has with her 7 year old daughter is completely different than that of her relationship with me, her grown-with-children daughter. It doesn't make her love either of us any more or less -- it's just different and she knows that some day she'll have a similar relationship to my sister.
That being said, I was surprised at how many comments I got from my last post stating that you either felt favoritism from your parents or you feel favoritism towards your children or siblings, etc. I personally can't imagine actually having a favorite child, but I would be very interested in hearing your stories, and would also like to know if there is a point, particularly in older children where it is appropriate for equality to be compromised? For example, a grown child that is going through a difficult financial time... does your desire to treat all of your children equally affect how much you would help that child? Or how about a child that is particularly excelling in a sport or other talent that takes a lot of family time. Can that be interpreted by your other children as "favoritism?"
-
recommend
- recs 0
-
share
-
email
- sent 0
Related Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to momaroo's Momaroo Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in momaroo's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
Comments (6)
We all love everyone differently. I have 4 boys. I love them each differently. They are different personalities so how can I lovce them the same. I have loved my 16yo longer than my 4 yo but that doesn't mean I love them better .... it is just different.
Well said! I think it is normal for anyone to feel like their parents love their siblings more - sometimes. I also think that it is possible to connect differently with your kids. But that doesnt actually make one of them a favorite over the others.
As far as feeling like you werent the favorite of your parents, I think it is because everyone goes through a selfish phase. It is easy to forget how much your parents are actually doing for you, because you want more. Then you see them doing something for a sibling and get jealous. It is part of growing up - learning to share and compromise. And also learning that your parents still love you!
Honestly, the order of my mom's favoritism went with how easily we would agree with her or be cowed into respect for her.
The order of my dad's favoritism went in the order that he expected us to fulfill his unlived dreams (namely, going to college).
Some of you may think that's the inexperience of youth, but I've seen it, in both of them. My dad is a much better parent (mostly because he was never abusive), but he still had favorites. Actually, over time, those favorites shifted - now he prefers my brother because he doesn't make my dad feel stupid or frustrated, whereas I do sometimes, since we disagree so much politically (and I make it an issue).
And I ALWAYS preferred my sister over my brother. My sister was older and therefore cooler. My brother was always annoying. He still is annoying, but now I think he's stupid, too. He's not BOOK stupid, but he is very much philosophy-stupid.
Though I will always feel betrayed by my sister. *shrug*
my parents definitely favor me more cuz my little brother is going through puberty and is incredibly incredibly "difficult." he's stolen money from my parents, says the f-word to them regularly, and invited friends over and trashed our house. he and i are just so different, it's always easier to favor the child who goes the straight path rather than the stubbornly disobedient child. i hope it's just a phase he's going through.
I agree each child is an individual with their own needs, and I treated each of them for themselves. They are all special to me, and they know it. Now they are parents themselves and understand even more.
I think that all children (when they are still young) are going to see a bit of favoritism from their parents - even if just perceived that way because of a child needing more help or time spent on them for one reason or another. I am the oldest of four kids and there were two of us 2 years apart and then 6 years before the next two. I have seen a huge difference in the relationships between my parents and us (the older kids) and my parents and them (the younger kids). But I have learned that it's not so much favoritism as a difference in parenting - my parents have learned from their mistakes with the first two kids!