Monday, 11 August 2008

• Do Parents Brag Too Much About Their Kids?

  by Mama Dragonfly

  I think that the older we get, the shallower some of us become as we relentlessly engage in boasting about our petty little lives. It used to annoy me so much when my mother's friends asked her about what kind of grades or test scores we got, so that they could brag about their kids' grades if theirs were higher. They'd say how much bigger their TVs were, how much money their husbands made that particular year, or what kind of cars they were driving these days. To be honest, after a while, my mom would get sucked into responding to their not-so-subtle queries, or retort their bragging with her own brand of bragging. When pushed, she'd eventually respond to anything except about her kids. 
  
  Her friend or guest would say how well her daughter was at housekeeping or cooking or helping the parents at their businesses; and my mom's usual reply was, " Good for you! All I've got are no-good daughters who can't light a stove to save their lives." Usually, we'd be standing right next to her when she said these things; sometimes pretending not to understand their conversations, but other times trying to avoid eye contact with the guests who usually looked put out, for they had been denied the competition of whose-daughter-is-better-than-whose. After the guests left, I'd tell her, "Why didn't she say that her daughters were brilliant or great in school as a couple of us were at the Med School and gearing to become doctors?" She'd usually shrug and say, "So you think you are brilliant, huh? "
  
  Once, my aunt swore that my mom was very proud of our academic achievements, and that she actually boasted about us to her co-workers. Maybe she did or maybe she didn't. At the time, I thought for sure my aunt was trying to make us feel better. If she did any boasting about our achievements, she covered her tracks very well. I imagine she'd have all the witnesses swore to secrecy or say an oath not to repeat what they've heard. Growing up, all we ever heard were how much we need to improve ourselves at housekeeping, or to become savvy at dealing with people (being that we were in Burma at the time, street-smartness is a requirement because at times, it seemed like everyone was out to get everyone else). Maybe because of that, although all my siblings are very much different from each other, one thing we have in common is our humility. We do not know how to brag properly even if we want to. We now know how proud my mom is of us, no matter how little or big our achievements are. It's not in her words that we draw this conclusion. It's in her demeanor, her eyes, and her smiles that tell us how much she thinks highly of us.
  
  Last year, while talking on the phone with my mom, she started talking about my sister, who was not around that day. I was expecting the usual barrage of her criticism or complaints about her.  Ever since my dad passed away and the rest of us left the country, my sister and my mom had gotten closer than ever before, but since their personalities are so different from each other-- my mom's a little dynamo whereas my sister is a softie and a bit indecisive at times-- they disagree and bicker about pretty much everything. My phone conversations with my mom would usually consist of her complaining about my sister. "Your sister is just impossible!" she'd say to me, while my sister chats to me on the other line, untouched by my mother's outbursts.
  
  Now she said, "You know... your sister's so smart. She has a good heart and always means well. She always knows how to do things the right way." As I was busily swallowing  my shock, then she said, " Now, don't go around telling her that I said that."
  
  Some things never change and we wouldn't have it any other way.

  Did/do your parents brag about you to others?  Where do you draw the line between being proud of your kids and bragging too much?

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