by Mama Elephant
When my son was in the early stages of being diagnosed with Autism, I read almost everything I could find on the subject. I even made a scary trip downtown so I could visit the main branch of the library. One of the first books I came across was by Bruno Bettelheim. Bumble... I mean Bruno... was convinced that "refrigerator mothering" was the cause of Autism in children -- the idea was that mothers who didn't love their children enough caused their children's Autism. Mind you, I had never been a fan of book burning or anything of the sort but in that moment, no other solution seemed available. The book was written decades before my son came along, and in the time between the two, much research had already been done, and the idea that poor parenting caused children to have autism had been dismissed completely... or so I thought.
Throughout the years since my son was diagnosed, I have heard whispers (and out right confrontation) that my son would be just fine if only I learned how to discipline him. I, along with countless other parents, have been accused of all sorts of rotten parenthood as the root of all things Autism.
Yes, it offends me. I would imagine that most parents being told they suck at parenthood and their child is ruined because of it would get at least a little defensive. After all, it is an offensive claim. And to those who wouldn't, more power to you, but I don't need any more lectures or discussions on my shortcomings. While it does offend me, I wonder why people would believe such a falsehood.
Fortunately, thanks to the Autism Society of America and Autism Speaks, those accusations have fallen to the wayside for the most part, and many people are more knowledgeable than in the past. Most people I come across can even properly pronounce Autism instead of referring to it as "Artism". And while a definite cause still eludes the experts, at least the majority of people have stopped blaming dear old mom and dad... except for Michael Savage, former hippie, now neo-con bent on spreading misinformation and hatred.
Of course, there have been plenty of other culprits of Autism. The most popular things blamed for Autism are mercury (it isn't actually the vaccines blamed, by the way, but the mercury in them. Also, when companies decided to stop putting mercury in the vaccines, they didn't pull the ones containing mercury so they are still being used until the medical community runs out), gluten and casein allergies, candida (yeast infection) of the intestinal tract, the father's age at conception, mitochondrial defects or viruses, the high EMFs from cell phones, and too much television (a study largely discredited by the scientific community, btw. Casual statistics don't equate to proof. I am sure the sale of birthday cake has gone up. Could birthday cake cause Autism?) Last but not least, the idea that children are autistic due to poor parenting is back in style!
Now we get down the real point of my post. Why on earth would supposedly educated and evolved people want to lay the blame of Autism on poor parenting? If bad parenting caused Autism, I am sure the numbers would actually be MUCH higher than they are right now. And short of physical endangerment and abuse, how subjective is the claim of "bad parenting" anyway? Is it bad parenting to encourage bullying or snobbery? Is it bad parenting to allow your children to gossip about other kids? And no proof has ever come out of the stay-at-home mom versus the working mom debate. Just how many children watch hours of television and don't develop Autism? I bet it is a pretty high number. Come on! It shouldn't take a slew of autism "experts" to shout out that poor parenting isn't the cause of Autism any more than it is the cause of Down Syndrome or Cerebral Palsy. In fact, researchers have found several genes associated with Autism and it is been all over the news, newspapers, magazines, doctor's offices, and the Internet in recent years. The parents I have met and known tend to be highly involved in their children's education, medical treatment, and therapies. They/We try to stay on top of recent studies and awareness movements. They/we are hell bent on giving our children every opportunity to live as independently as possible and to be out in the community as much as possible. Most of us are not "parking our kids in front of a baby sitting television" simply because our children do require so much direct and hands on supervision. (I can't even close the door to the bathroom if my husband isn't home because I need to keep an ear or eye out for Alex.) In the past, many parents of children on the spectrum would keep their kids at home, out of concern for their treatment, but that has changed so much over the past decade. While there is no doubt in my mind that not all parents of autistic children are this involved, I am certain that the majority are not frigid mothers fond of lazy parenting. So why would anyone want to blame bad parenting?
It hit me tonight why someone would want to make such an obviously false accusation. Let's face it... the numbers are frightening. 1 in 150 people fall into the spectrum of Autism in this country. That is actually quite a lot. What if we had those same odds of buying a winning Mega Millions or Powerball lottery ticket? What if that was the odds of a plane crashing? It is a terrifying number! Granted, not all of the 1 in 150 have Classic Autism, but who wants their children to have any kind of ASD? The idea that it is caused by poor parenting, rather than genetics and/or pollution, additives and preservatives, or some other factor we can't actively control, might allow frightened and insecure parents to sleep well at night while they convince themselves it couldn't happen to their child because they are good parents. It allows others to feel in control.
Since I really do want to give people the benefit of the doubt, even when they spread false accusations or other negative sentiments towards my son and my family, I am going to assume that most people who accuse parents for their child's Autism are
not as mean-spirited and maniacal as Savage. I am going to remind myself that Autism is scary to the outsider and that when they hear the numbers, they
may need to lay the blame on something they can control so they don't have to fear the big bad ASD diagnosis for their own young loved ones. For some, that means blaming the medical and drug companies for "over diagnosis," and for others, it might mean blaming parents themselves. So, if that is the case and it makes an insecure and ignorant person feel better to say there is no problem or to blame me for my child's autism and call me a bad or frigid mom, then I will tell myself to take the "whatever" approach, even if I am offended. My son knows how much I love him and that is the only opinion that I am going to care about. However, anyone making such an accusation to most parents of children with Autism better be prepared to be educated.
Have you ever been accused of bad parenting? How did you deal with it?
Comments (60)
what? i know some kids who's mother really WAS a bad parent but that was because she just abandoned them for weeks on end just to go drinking and left them there at home to take care of themselves... and none of them have Autism.
my sister loves her daughter dearly ... yet my niece has Autism.
that's horrible how people are actually linking Autism to bad parenting?
I learned about Bettelheim in my Introduction to Psychology class, and the point of the lesson was that:
Correlation does not mean causation!
Good job, Bettelheim, in making mothers feel like they caused their children's autism.
I can't answer your questions, because I'm not yet a parent.
Bettelheim probably hated his mother...
If Autism were caused by bad mothering, all four of my kids would be autistic. I had no clue how to raise kids. I had my nose in a book most of the time. And they all had all their vaccinations. They're great adults now, with families of their own.
Bettelheim and Savage are idiots.
I don't have children but I have beautiful friends and a family member who have an autistic child. These people are the most caring tenacious parents one could hope for. I believe these people were meant to have the children they do not because of any shortcomings as parent, but because they have the strength, understanding, and emotional wealth to be the parents they need to be for their amazing children. I cannot believe that there are such sad people spreading that kind of crap. Hurting others is not going to help anyone.
I was so shocked when I heard about Savage's comments on autism. I have never run into a person who still believed that old b.s. in my life! Everyone needs to wake up, its 2008! Not every disorder is fabricated, and I most certainly think that autism is. I have been told I was a bad parent many times, mostly because we have so many kids. But as you said, I know I love my kids, and they know it. Thats all that matters to me!
I don't think autism has to do with bad parenting, that's all croc people like to come up with. My sister's BF's brother has autism and his parents are two of the most loving parents in the world, they even worked with Autism kids in a foreign country before they had their 2nd son, who just happened to be autistic. Does that mean they were bad parents? I highly doubt that!
A parent is never to blame for autism. There is research that is showing that vaccinations may be linked. Check out what they put into vaccinations these days. Yes, you took your kid to be vaccinated, but that is because this is what we are told to do and required. It isn't a choice. There was a walk that my parents participated this past May or something like that. It was to educate and to voice concerns about vacinations to the government. It is worth looking into. But a parent is never responsible.
A lot of kids with autism grow and learn to use their gifts in ways to help society. Every individual has a gift that they can give society. So don't blame yourself and look for the little gifts that your child has. People that blame parents for bad parenting are not educated. Even if they have a degree or a doctorate, they are not educated.
Tell them to go read up on Autism. Be their teacher because they need it and remember their words are out of ignorance.
I am a teacher of children with Autism. I love my job. I don't blame anyone or anything b/c that takes aways from the action of doing something in order to help the kids and parents learn to work with Autism.
I must commend you. I do my job about 8-10 hours a day and go home to my life outside the classroom. You cannot do that and you work with your child 24/7. Thank you for pressing on and not giving up on your child. Too many parents do!
I love working with kids with AUtism and I get strange looks and laughter when I tell people that. Their comments are usually "ohh, I'm sorry" or "wow what made you WANT to do THAT?" The questions frustrate me, but I use them as opportunities to debunk the myths and to share how amazing kids with Autism are!
@a_defiantbeauty_2@xanga - I have nothing but respect for the majority of the teachers my son has had. They chose their profession. I didn't choose for my child to have Autism.
You know, most of my friends have healthy kids and all my son's classmates have Autism and I gotta tell you...I don't know why anyone would feel sorry for me or my son's teachers. Some of the greatest kids I have known have had Autism or other developmental disability. I better stop now before I make a confession worthy of postsecret.com.
"If bad parenting caused Autism, I am sure the numbers would actually be MUCH higher than they are right now."
Exactly.
I think the only line that might be drawn between some cases of Autism and bad parenting is if they ever managed to draw a conclusive line between lack of Vitamin D and the stimulation that comes with being outdoors (away from the magical "boob-tube baby sitter") and the same parents that would park their kids there for hours on end are also going to be more likely to feed their kids junk foods with additives and preservatives in them. Few things seem to have one set cause that is constant across the board. Look at Diabetes; you can inherit it or just eat poorly and refuse to exercise. On the same token, some people are genetically predisposed to it, eat poorly, and never workout and still don't have it.
Cashier? One power-ball ticket, please.
You are dogging on Michael Savage because you got misinformation from wherever you read about him. If you actually listened to the full clips of his comments on his website instead of the chopped up clips they had on Media Matters's website, then you would know that he believes that there are real cases of autism and that they should be receiving our sympathy and support over the false cases of autism that are only diagnosed through subjective behavioral testing at the age of 3. He is simply condoning that these testing methods are not proven to be accurate and have lead to an increase in broadened and false diagnoses of autism and autism spectrum disorder. Plus, you simply cannot test for behavioral disorders at such a young age; most children outgrow these behaviors in a few years. Dr. Savage has a PhD in epidemiology and consults many medical professionals on his show that agrees with him, so I think he'd know more about the health industry than the normal person.
I just beg that you read up about a person before you start hating them.
http://www.savageonautism.com/
Just wanted to throw my two cents in...Michael Savage is a moron, and well, lots of other things that aren't fit to print. I think that some good has come out of his asinine comments, as it has put some focus and attention on autism, which hopefully will, in the end, only help those who are autistic.
My friend's brother's autistic... but her parents believe it was caused by getting immunisation jabs too soon after he was born. I seriously doubt it's because you're a bad mother. You obviously do care for your son.
Besides, I know parents who suck at parenting and their children aren't autistic. Like you say, the numbers would be much higher if that were true. Stupid ignorant society.
@Firehorse_aiko@xanga - Thank you for your wonderful response.
Well, I don't think you caused your child to have Autism, because I don't think that's possible. (Unless one was to smoke pot or something while pregnant, but I doubt you did that, somehow. :)) And are most of the people who accuse you of such things either not parents or people who don't have Autistic children? I'd bet they are. (but if they do have Autistic children, it is possible that it is a different form of Autism or a milder case, in which case they probably don't understand the difficulties you may face as compared to theirs. Sorry, lots of 'what ifs?' in my mind.)
@princessganda@xanga - I'm with you on that one; I like Michael Savage, but I think he gets a little too... shouty. Oh well, that's how I feel inside sometimes, and I guess he just lets it out. ^-^ Hahaha.
@princessganda@xanga - Of all the autistic chilren I have met, and I have met oh so many...I haven't yet met one that was misdiagnosed or over diagnosed. As for misunderstanding...the quote...99% are a fraud...that is pretty hard to read out of context. What he may have meant and what he actually said are different and backtracking to cover a goof like that is just immature and irresponsible.
As for it being an overdiagnosed disorder...you (and Savage the savage) obviously haven't had to go through the process with a child because it is extremely difficult and expensive. First, you have to test for EVERYTHING else that it could be. This includes seizure disorders (a trip to a neurologist, a few EEGs and an MRI), then there are metabolic disorders (several blood tests and urine samples), then there are genetic testing to rule out Fragile X and other disorders/diseases that have similar symptoms as Autism. Then and only then do you actually get down to the behavioral assessment and as for that...the guidelines are VERY clear. If anything, it may be an underdiagnosed disorder because so many physicians and psychologists are hesitant to "label" (I can't tell you how much I hate that term combined with Autism) a child.
Defend the erroneous man all you want. It doesn't change the fact that his 99% statement is not only inflammatory and insulting to parents of children with ASD...it is WRONG!
The next time someone accuses you of bad parenting, direct them to your local CPS agency or hand them articles about children recovering from severe neglect and abuse who grow up to be perfectly normal.
The ONLY case I have ever heard of where bad parenting caused "autisim" was this absolutely terrible story about a little girl who was neglected in every way possible. "Enviromental autisim," they call it. Here's the link, BUT THE STORY IS GRAPHIC IN SOME PARTS!!! Reader, beware!
http://www.tampabay.com/features/humaninterest/article750838.ece
So yeah, let someone tell you you're a bad parent and let them read this. They don't know just how much bad parenting it takes to make a child "autistic."
I think whoever told you that needs to get their brain checked. I don't actually know anyone with autism (at least diagnosed) but- my mother, working with a little boy, grew quite attached- and through that baby sitting television, and other things- I've learned about Autism.
There is NO way one factor can cause autism. vaccines only? No. Vaccines- genetics- AND the fathers age? Sure. But it could've jsut as easily been the TB shot... or daddy's middle-aged ness that did the kid in. (metaphorically.)
Jenny McCarthy is another one a bit crazy on the what causes autism train. She knows that if she hadn't vaccinated her son- he wouldn't have autism today?
My 7yr old son is autistic and I've been told countless times that he is out of control and if I would just spank him he would be all better. I could beat the living daylights out of him and it wouldn't make an ounce of difference. I went though the blame game for a long time during our journey of getting our son vaccinated. I told myself if only I had known about the vaccines, if only I had known about eating too much tuna, if only, if only. One day I woke up and decided I could either spend the rest of my life blaming myself or move on and become the advocate and parent that my son needed. Obviously I chose the later. I try to take people's comments and let them roll off my back. I realize they are just ignorant and misinformed and I don't have time to go around educating everyone. I admit it is very difficult sometimes to not allow other people to get under my skin. What bugs me the most is when perfect strangers have come up to me and said what's wrong with him and it is right in front of him as if he doesn't exist. From what I have read of your blogs I can tell you are an excellent mom.
so, did you get your kid vaccinated? was there a loss of words or change in behaviour after the vaccine?
@my_trumpet_pwns_all@xanga - ACTUALLY Jenny McCartny claims that her son NO LONGER has autism. She has successfully reversed the damaged caused him by the vaccine.
My husband, myself, and our 3 year old daughter just bought a house in a beautiful neighborhood in our town. Our neighbor Mike has one son, Jake, who is 7 years old. He is my daughter's best friend. They play all day together. They don't necessarily play "together" in the traditional sense, but they do play side by side, with similar toys, and occasionally talk to each other. My daughter has never once noticed that her best friend, Jake, is autistic.
I never realized how terrible it was for the parents of children with autism. In High School I worked at summer camps for children with autism, and never once thought anything negative about these children. I had a friend when I was little who was autistic and I was a lot like my daughter, I didn't know these children were different. When I recently was outside with Mike, Jake, and my daughter, Mike was telling me about how they had gone to McDonald's with Jake and how an old woman told him to discipline his child better. Mike explained that Jake was Autistic (diagnosed with mild-moderate autism), and the old lady walked off mumbling about how "autism" was just an excuse.I know this is a long story, but I just wanted to let you know that not EVERYONE things so negatively towards individuals with autism. I don't have a child with autism, but I certainly believe that autistic or not, people deserve to be treated with respect. The Blame Game is a ridiculous one, and people should learn to keep their mouths shut and embrace the diversity all around them.I'm sure your son is a great kid, and will touch many lives. :o) How old is he?@AbsolutelyNormalChaos61308@xanga - Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and your support. It really does touch my heart to know that others are out there, doling out love, respect, and acceptance without reserve or judgement. While we do hear positive input now and then, it is still more rare than the negative and it really does light up our lives to know that people like you and your family are out there somewhere.
I wouldn't necessarily say that as a parent, I have it so bad. While raising a child with special needs certainly presents some challgenges and many tearful nights with long prayers nor would I wouldn't wish it on anyone else or any child....I also wouldn't trade my child for anything. He has taught me so much about myself and the world that I can't regret anything. He has also provided us with a lot of laughter (with him, never at him of course) The hardest part is trying to get him the help he needs and dealing with a very vocal minority of naysayers.
To answer your question...Elephant Junior is 13 (and I think he knows it)
what?? autism has absolutely nothing to do with bad parenting or any other crazy thing! my mom is a special education teacher..she even works with an autistic kid..he has a great family and wonderful parents. but all that is besides the point anyway...because bad parenting does not cause autism in the first place. That's absolutely preposterous! It's horrible that some people would treat these beautiful children like a disease or some mistake..they are most definitely not. In some countries, awareness of special education needs is starting to pick up speed.
Hopefully, this will soon become a global trend.
@SarahAriella@xanga - Dr. Savage understands the grief that parents of real autistic children go through because his own brother was diagnosed with a mental disorder and lived and died in a mental hospital. I understand that many people are sensitive to criticism of this subject, and I'm sorry that you couldn't sense the sarcasm in his 99% statement, which he uses regularly in his talk show. I guess you wouldn't understand since you aren't an entertainer on a radio program. Savage's listeners have thicker skin than that, and I'm sorry his show got leaked out to the public that can't handle any kind of criticism or views other than their own. I don't defend everything he says, but you have to have respect for others' opinions. How will this country survive if we're not allowed freedom of speech?
And as for my own opinion, I don't believe that it is poor parenting that leads to autism, I just think testing might be more accurate if conducted later in the child's life. Why have I never heard of autism until the past decade, and then suddenly it is diagnosed among 1 out of 150 children? It can't only be caused by mercury in vaccines.
I feel truly sorry for those who must go through the ordeal of having an autistic child, but it's not something to ruin someone's career over a silly comment. If life were like that, no one would be qualified for President.
And please don't respond because I'm done arguing; I'm usually not one to reply to message boards, it's just a waste of time. Just felt like I needed to defend freedom of speech.