Wednesday, 30 July 2008
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Please Stop Telling Me How to Be a Good Parent
The author of this entry has chosen to remain anonymous.
I get weary of the parenting culture in our society. What ever happened to have a baby, teach that child to honor and respect adults, teach them their manners, love them, support them, feed them healthy well balanced diets... end of story? Sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode if I hear one more "expert" come out with something outrageous that we're all supposed to do to build "happy, successful children." "Don't say 'no' to your children - it may damage their psyche." Pleeeeeeease... If these experts are so right, then how come the children in our nation are getting more and more miserable by the day?There are so many directives of how to even care for a baby - when to introduce foods, and what foods when, don't give certain items until certain ages, etc. I understand that little tummies can't handle certain foods, obviously I'm not giving my 6 month old steak and popcorn, but honestly, some things are just a little over stated. For instance, when my son was about 11 months old, I started giving him cow's milk sometimes to wean him onto it. I told this to someone and they looked at me like I was growing horns out of my head since I didn't wait until he actually had his first birthday. Sorry, but I didn't know that on their first birthday a switch happened in their bodies and all of the sudden cow's milk was acceptable. I didn't think a week or two would make a difference... *sigh*.
I think my biggest frustration is that so many parents have stopped being parents. We have let the "experts" (many of whom have never even had their own children, go figure) take over parenting our kids by mindlessly accepting everything they say. What ever happened to a parent actually being a parent and making decisions for themselves and their families? So many mothers that I know are overwhelmed with guilt because they can't follow every latest piece of advice that is given. It's so sad that in this "age of enlightenment" parents aren't given credit for being "enlightened" enough to make decisions for themselves and for their children. I hope that as our society goes on, parents are given the credit that they are due - I know that there are plenty of "bad" parents out there, but there are just as many good parents who, if left to their own devices, would probably do a better job of raising their kids if they weren't so distracted by the current culture of parenting.
Do you feel that the current parenting culture puts too much focus on what "experts" have to say about how to raise healthy, happy children? Why or why not?
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Comments (34)
That post couldn't have come at a better time. I was just getting frustrated by all the "advise" I'm supposed to be following, and I'm glad to hear someone else feels the same.
On the other hand, I think guidelines are a good idea. Some people really might not realize that steak and popcorn are bad for a 6-month old. :) But, I think the guidelines have become more like rules and it gets a little bit ridiculous.
I have to say it, I think a lot of the experts are full of themselves. I may not win mother of the year, but I think I know my kid better than anyone else. I do my best and learn quickly from my mistakes, and that is all that I can do. The experts don't pay my bills, they don't care for my children daily, and so while that is the case I will take their advice with a huge grain of salt and rely on my instincts to make decisions where my kids are concerned.
I feel that every parent should do what they feel is right for their family. I take any advice from experts and tailor it to fit our life and family if I agree with it or discard it if I don't.
I think that many people second guess their parenting skills so rely too heavily on other people's views on how things should be done.
lol yeah i'm gettin slammed on another blog for saying parents should be parents.......too funny.nope i agree with you and you know what i gave my kids cows milk at 11 months and no none of them have allergies and they're not neglected.
If it's any consolation to you, Mama, it wasn't much different when my children were little, back in the 60s and 70s. There will always be "experts" who think they know better than you do. Listen to TornadoChaser and sift what you hear. Let the experts blather on. They won't go away, but you can ignore them!
When we go to the doctor for check-ups I take advice about illnesses and medicine. I listen to the advice about other parts of raising children and implement what I agree with. For example - babies need to sleep on their back. Yeah, I got that, I heard it over and over with my first one and I've heard it over and over with my second one. Every time I go to the doctor. But guess what? That's not what works for my baby so that's not the way it's gonna happen.
Solid foods - same thing - they can give me all the advice they want. I'll listen but when it comes to my baby, I know what works best.
Granted...I'm not a parent...but I completely agree with what you're saying. Back in the golden years (of our grandparents and great grandparents) there were no "parenting help gurus" out there to force their "wisdom" onto them. And it seems like the children reared in that time learned the value of hard work, respect, discipline, fighting for what's right, and so on and so forth. But today, like you said, ppl are scared to BE parents....and the youth is paying for it!
If I didn't know better, I would say I wrote this post myself!! Whoever you are, thank you so much for saying exactly how I feel! I can't stand to be told how to parent my children. You are right, if "they" are such good experts then why are all the children these days getting worse and worse?
In my day, I got spankings and I got grounded when I got older. My parents weren't afraid to discipline me when I needed it. And I turned out A-OK! Infact I think I turned out pretty damn good considering that my parents weren't afraid to take a belt to my smart-ass self sometimes LOL!!! Nowadays you can't hardly speak sternly to your kid who is acting like a fool in the middle of Walmart without someone thinking you are abusive. Please!! That is why we have such horrible children running all over the place these days who have no manners or respect of anyone.
LOL...ok I didn't mean to go off on a tangent there haha!! But yeah I totally hear you. As far as I am concerned, these expetrs never even had children in the first place. If I never told my child "NO" I would be in serious trouble!!!
The majority of people, I've found, are ignorant to just about everything. Therefore, I'd sooner raise my child than let someone else decide how they are to be raised.
However, for the average person... I can't help but feel that their children being raised by educated people would be much better for the child in the end. Sometimes I want to kill myself when I see what kinds of people are becoming parents these days.
I too am tired of people telling me what to do. Funny they never believe I have a well respected 16 year old, he loves to help out anyone. He spends a few hours a week visiting my friends mother (she is in her late 70's), he has helped watch the kids in our neighborhood since he was 9 (and their mothers trust him with their kids lives), he is respectful, well mannered.
Kids needs are usually know by the parents but ignored because of "experts" saying don't do this or do that.
I'm not a parent yet, but I do get aggravated with these parenting experts and all these parenting books. Who knows what's best for a child other than their parent?! I see nothing wrong with trying to wean your child to cow's milk or anything else that you think would be suitable. Honestly. And saying no to your kid really I will tell mine no as often as it take to get them to realize not to do something or they can't have it their way.
When I was growing up we didn't have these experts and neither did most of us. We turned out great right?! Nowadays kids are so defiant and disrespectful. I had one kid at camp who was so defiant he would just stare my pastor down as he was telling him to respect the chapel service and take his hat off.
It's sad. KUDOS to this post!
I feel that there is way to much advice and none of it is good. Children today are worse then they have ever been. I think the experts need to start looking at what our great grandparents did and model their advice on old fashion parenting.
Experts are there to give advice on guidelines. They don't agree amongst each other and I don't expect them too. I use what they say to better inform myself as a parent. It is my responsibility to know my own child better than anyone else, which I do, and to use the information I get from experts, doctors, other parents, etc, to make my child's life the best I can. I don't feel guilty about not following all the expert opinions or even for contradicting my child's own doctor (doesn't happen very often or I'd get a new doc). I think if there are parents out there who are overwhelmed and feeling guilty, they have issues and need to take a moment to think about the reality of their situation. An old but good piece of advice: You can't make everyone happy all the time. Same goes for expert advice; can't follow everything all the time.
Bottom line, it's your baby, you should know what's best.
Why didn't I read tons of parenting books and magazines? Because parents and children alike survived for years before advice from strangers (other than the child's doctor) became commonplace. The more advice that gets thrown out there, the worse our children seem to become. Spanking your child and saying "no" will not scar them for life. It's not abuse. Please, don't try to reason with a screaming child in the middle of a store or restaurant, remove them and deal with it in private.
@motheroftheyear - amen!
Yes! I'm 38 weeks pregnant and my grandmother tells me the most bizarre things she's heard from experts like don't eat peanuts it causes asthma!? first of all where was this research conducted? On what races of women having babies? What was the womens overall health? Was the baby vaginally born or c-section born?
Or tips on how to raise my unborn son, because an expert said this and it just completely baffles me. I can see if she can relate to some tip an expert suggested because she had did that with her kids and found it effective, but in reality she's just believing everything these experts have to say because they simply have Ph.d's. I'm not saying I know everything but I know that my mother raised a damn good decent daughter (me), and I will do the same with my son of course I share different views and philosphies on parenting then my own mother and will do things differently with my son, but other then that my mother has raised a respectable daughter without the EXPERT OPINIONS! and for the record the last women I knew that actually raised her daughter by never telling her No, her daughter put her through hell during teenage years, is overweight because she refused to tell her NO to junk food, she has bad credit, completely mutilated the first NEW honda she bought the daughter and kept it in shitty condition, you can't tell this girl anything because that's how she was raised "her way or the highway," and completely runs all over her mother til this day. This woman is my aunt and I know she regrets never disiciplining her daughter, and regrets never telling her daughter No and setting parental limits. So take that for expert advice.
the title is exactly how i felt w/my kids' paternal grandparents.... i just kind of expected it from my own mother already since til this day she still tells me what/how to do things hahaha. it's kind of annoying but i'm guessing they're just so proud and eager to share what they've learned.
I am not a parent but have strong feels about parenting. My parents were older. I was my moms first (she has a degree in early childhood education) and my dads 5th. I was spanked, grounded, set in time out, etc.
I was never violent, in fact have never been in a fight, I did well in school (3 classes away from my MBA), never snuck out, rarely drank underage....to put it simply my parents had it easy :).
When I have kids they will be spanked, grounded, set in time out, etc depending on the crime (never smacked in the face though, it is so degrading).
My parents took the time to be with me. Whether it was sports, school, or just life. They taught me to care about other people's feelings and to do what is right. Most of parenting is teaching your kids to be good people, you can supplement that with doctors and experts but they shouldn't be raising your children.
Thanks for the post!
I mostly rely on instinct, experience, and advice of other parents that are close to me. I remember how I was raised, and I watch other parents around me. I emulate the things that I like and approve of, and avoid those that I don't. Sometimes I do look to the experts, but I usually try not to pay attention to the "experts" with no kids of their own. Also for the most part if it just makes no sense at all to me, I usually won't listen to it at all.
Another thing though, I really try not give out too much unwanted advice, because I know each family is different. What worked for me and my daughter will not necessarily work for the family down the street, or for her and her children in the future.
I could not agree with you more. I long for those little house on the prairie days where your family business was YOUR family business and nobody elses. You learned how to be a parent from example, not from "what to expect...." or Dr. Phil. Mommies were not as catty with other mommies. Children were more respectful, more polite, m ore empahsis was placed on home life versus two parents going out,making an income and getting a report from a babysitter or day care. If I had a nickel for every time my mom told me "that's not how we did it when you were growing up" or my mother in law criticizing me for staying home with my son and sheltering him, I certainly wouldn't be saving all of our coins in a big jar for my son's college education!
I don't really put much stock into expert advice. I did however buy What to Expect and used it for a reference. I mostly rely on my gut and try to remember how my parents raised me.
Experts are good....for ideas. But you need to look at them as just that - ideas, not rules. It seems to me to be an alarming trend. Many parents want to have kids because they feel like that is what is 'supposed' to come next in their lives but, not wanting those kids to 'mess things up' so they can go on with their lives as 'normal', they have somebody else (daycare/nanny/etc) raise those kids. (I totally understand that these things are necessary sometimes, but they can definitely be overused in my opinion.) They don't want to have to figure out this parenting stuff themselves, so they rely on the expert advice.
There is also a lot to be said about us parents judging each other on the things we decide to do with our kids. I can say that, on here, I don't see that much - but it is definitely present in the 'real world' and that can be more crushing that doctors/experts telling you that you aren't doing good enough. It seems to me that more parents care what other parents think of their kids and how they are raising them than they do about what the experts think about how they are doing. So when other parents knock you down, it can be really hard to get back up.
We all just need to follow our instincts, be prepared to ask for help when we need it (and there are times you legitimately need help and that is nothing to be ashamed of) and be careful not to judge other parents. Most parents do the best they can with what they have available to them at the time. Be supportive, not judgemental.
Sorry for the long comment.
Ahh, I never do what I'm told anyway... You just parent the best you can. I wonder about the people who write the how to baby books. Maybe they just got an easy baby who liked to sleep through the night. If you love them and pay attention they seem to come out ok, even if you give them cow milk at 11 months.
I think it's all about balance. The information out there is wonderful-- the more knowledge, the better. Many people honestly do not realize that certain things are bad for kids. Sure, the cultural pressure may not have been as bad a generation ago, but many of those parents beat their kids as discipline and I think it's kind of a good idea that that's frowned upon nowadays. I see a lot of comments talking about how wonderful our grandparents and great grandparents must've been as parents, b/c of the lack of "expert advice.." To that, I say that I've heard many stories from my mom, step-dad, and in-laws about how their parents dealt with them, and maybe they all happen to be special cases but many of those stories are, um, scary. Things many of us today would be shocked about, or at least not really approve of. Let's be careful about generalizing about how "wonderful" the past was and how "horrible" kids today are as these tend not to be that accurate.
Medical advice is definitely a good thing. There are many things that research keeps proving are bad for young children, or that certain things shouldn't be introduced till later, etc. It's probably good for parents to know not to give their 6 month old peanut butter, especially with how common (and devastating) peanut allergies can be.
As far as all the other stuff goes, advice about how to discipline kids, getting them to eat, sleep, etc, it's great to have all the different opinions because let's face it there's a million different ways that kids act and behave and one tactic will work for one kid and not at all for the next. So having all the different ideas to try out is a good thing. BUT parents need to know to trust their gut above all else, and that no parenting guru is god and thus their advice should be taken as just that- advice, which you can take or leave, or tweak to fit your needs and your family.
Everyone, and yourself have already stated what I'd want to say. I have to agree!