Wednesday, 23 July 2008
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Unwanted Advice from the In-Laws
I hate it when my in-laws drop their two cents on me and it makes me want to go atomic bomb on them. I’m not going to respect them religiously just because they are related to me when they are telling me when to clean my home or do certain other things. This is the #1 reason why I want to move out of my sister-in-law’s house.
by Mama WhaleSecondly, I really don’t need their unwanted advice, unless I ask for it. Here’s an example - if I don’t feel like cleaning my home, I’m not obliged to. When she tells me that, her main focus is always that it’s better for Baby Whale. The list of discussions just goes on.
Thirdly, I have already sacrificed a lot.
And this is what I mean by breaking it down:
- Stay at home mother – 24/7.
- No weekly allowances – living only subjected to $10 a week or $20 when my husband on his good days gives it to me. Other times I have to find loose change around the home. And Papa Whale is making a 6 digit income already.
- Can’t go clothes shopping or any leisure shopping at all.
- Can’t dine out as a family or have movie nights.
- No outside connections – for example, hanging out with friends, it’s more my husband hanging out with his friends rather than me.
- Cook, clean and take care of Baby Whale – always a tedious job.
And then my sister-in-law goes on saying it’s not about ME. I’m only human and I really need that time for myself sometimes. I feel like a robot doing as much as I can to survive the brutal week. There are times when we all break down and need to rest. I really don’t want to force myself to sacrifice everything that I enjoy just because I’m a mother. I want to be able to enjoy doing my own things while being a mother at the same time. Crazy huh? This is what I have to deal with all the time and I don't know how I manage to survive with my in-laws giving me unwanted advice.
Do you have someone who's always giving you unwanted advice? How do you handle it?
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Comments (29)
Tell them to shove it.
I don't really get advice that often but it's usually better to just smile, listen (or at least look like you are) and say "Thanks for the imput" then do whatever you want to do rather then argue with them. It's less stressful.
Side note (and possibly unwanted advice): Why are you allowing yourself to get so run down?
You really need a break. Leave the baby with the husband and go for a walk, pack a picnic and invite a friend. You can't be taking care of everyone if you aren't taking care of yourself.
Oh, I totally feel ya on this one... I have to say some of my husband's family have given me very helpful advice. But my MIL and his grandma sometimes drive me crazy. SAHMs (and just moms in general) make a lot of sacrifices, and you'd think those who were moms would understand. But sometimes they're the ones who are harder on you than anyone else.
To be a better parent, you have to take care of yourself. And that means mommy needs a mental break here and there. I hope you get a chance to go do something for yourself! That's not being selfish. That's just being smart because no one can just keep going and going and going... If you never do a thing for yourself, you burn out.
Now that doesn't mean I think it's good to go crazy and ignore things at home. Everything in moderation
*hugs*
Give your husband some responsibility and take a break. At this point, I think you need it! As for your in-laws, my mum has in-laws like that and it took her a long time but now she just shuts them out completely, as in ignores what they says. It's the only way. And get your husband to support you in such exchanges. It helps a lot! Good luck!
I ignore it. There are always people telling me to do this or follow that or find this and such. And for the ones that maybe make a little sense, I think about it. But for others, I just zone out while they say it. It works pretty well.
out of curiosity, who set the 'rules' ? your inlaws?
i always get unwanted advice from my inlaws. couple months ago, they advised me to quit my job after the baby is born (i'm 34 wks). but my mom will be helping me take care of my baby after she's born so i can return to work.
also, my mil despises the name my husband chose for our daughter so she keeps telling me to change it (and of course she only tells ME, not her son).. everytime i talk to her, she lectures me saying i need to find a meaningful religious name.. and then she said how other kids will make fun of her name when she's older. ugh.
Let me get this straight - Papa Whale is making a six-figure income and you're living with your SIL?
MOVE OUT. Not that hard to come up with a solution.
I'd tell them to shove it. Being a stay at home mom is a grossly underpaid profession. As long as the child is well taken care of, that's the only thing that matters.
Are you able to pack up the child/children and go visit friends or walk around the mall? One of my best friends has twin toddlers, we pack them up and go on fun outings all the time. We have for a while. There's no reason to be stuck at home.
My in-laws give the most ridiculous advice, and have even had the gall to tell me that I need braces. To deal with their advice, I try to be be direct--never mean, but to the point. I'll say "well, I appreciate your concern, but..." or "I'm glad that worked for you..." or something along those lines. I rationally explain why I do (or don't do) the things I do.
In-laws may never cease the advice-giving, but it's important that they know that you are your own person.
Why don't you as a family get your own place?
i'm so with you on this topic! i hate my MIL and she lives w/ us. she'll tell me to clean the house like nonstop, she'll clean up the the floor even if a tiny drop of water drops there, give me a f*cking break!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i pay for the rent, everything, her cell phone and she TELLS ME WHAT TO DO?! her excuse always goes "it's better for the baby" watever! i'm always busy enough. i work full time and i send my daughter to daycare! it'll be cool if she offers a little help, but no, she gives me more stress!
Yeah I'm confused. Your husband is making 6 figures and you are living with family? If you are in her house she has ever right to tell you to clean and how to do it.
I get unwanted advice all the time. I hear things like, "all your kid needs is a good spanking." or...dieting advice for my son (he takes medicine that causes weight gain). I also get tons of well intended advice from strangers on the latest quackery treatments for autism.
I tell myself that most people mean no harm and think they are really being helpful. I try to hold my tongue (or keyboard) because it never really helps. But I get frustrated after awhile because there is only so much I can take at a time and by the end of a long day...I am ready to snap.
When I get frustrated enough to blow off steam over it, I come here and vent. We all need to vent at some point and this place is as good as any other. Unlike others, I don't feel it is being "childish" or "teenage" behavior.
If you can do something about it, do so. If you can't, dwelling on it won't make any difference--in fact, it will probably just make you more angry over things you can't control. You're an adult and are quite capable of making your own decisions.
@mamaelephant - Expressing emotion is innately human and that's not what I was referring to as being childish. The last time I heard someone complaining about not getting an allowance and being able to go shopping and hang out with friends, it was not somebody over the age of 17.
The main reason I don't have a relationship with my in laws is because my husband doesn't want their advice. I am so glad I have a man that wants to run his on life. Although I know that when you need help it is nice to have them there to help but you are an adult (I assume since you are married and have a kid) so you have the right to make you own decisions, whether they are right or not. Don't let them run you life, you will end up hating them if you don't already!
@lesannejenk@xanga - I apologize if I misunderstood. However, there are still couples who have very traditional marriages where the husband holds the checkbook and gives his wife an "allowance" or "pin money". There are even marriages where the husband feels it is acceptable to spend time with his friends outside of the home or family dynamic but that a wife/mother belongs at home with the children at all times unless she can arrange a babysitter and transportation on her own and even then she must be home with her "chores" completed by the time he is ready to have his dinner.
It all may seem archaic to most but it does happen. My sister in law is in such a marriage and while she gets frustrated at her roll at times, she isn't frustrated enough to divorce her husband. She makes it work for her somehow. At first, the whole thing seemed insane to me and I thought she lived in an abusive marriage. I have told her about once a year that if she ever wanted out, she had a place in our home and I leave it at that.
Now I have no idea if that is the sort of marriage Mama Whale has nor is it my business. I just wanted to point out that what looks one way from the outside, may not be what is going on behind closed doors and terminology doesn't always dictate maturity.
@mamaelephant - I wasn't trying to judge what kind of marriage Mama Whale has, I was simply pointing out that she is an adult. I'm sure that she is more than capable of earning a living and arranging a babysitter now and then, that's all. Usually, when we rant and rave it's about issues that we have no control over, but the things that Mama Whale lists here on her blog are completely within her control. She does have a choice, that's my observation. And while I passed judgment and called it childish, all I really meant to say was that she doesn't have to sit back and let life be handed to her by her child, her husband, her in-laws, or anyone else. Mothers are a force of nature, there is nothing that we cannot do.
What is the difference between inlaws and your own? For me, it is mostly "friends" with our firstborn. We just ignore and they soon leave us alone concerning birthing choice and child rearing. We now have two girls. Our own relatives lives several states away.... I wish they aren't THAT far a way.
i get unwanted advice about my career/studies a lot. i just let them have their say but it's not like i'll take their advice..
UGh! >:O My grandmother from my Mom's side of the family, is a blabber mouth. Everytime she calls she's constantly trying to give me advice on whatever it is she has decided to manifest in her mind while sitting at home. Things from how to raise my not even born son to relationship advice. In reality it's like ok lady! Whose two of 5 children have mental disabilities because of the lousy choice to stay with an abusive husband you made, and only attended up to the fifth grade, then on the relationship tip, she's been re-married 5 times, it's like don't give me your lousy advice from the mistakes you made and still remain bitter as f*k (excuse my french). For being 21 years old and holding down a strong 3 year relationship, I'm handling quite well, better then where she was at, at 21.
oOh I could rant up the ying yang about this topic of unwanted advice until I am blue in the face hAhA! But I totally feel you! And it's SUPER annoying. EGh! Sometimes the things our in-laws or family member have to say are better left unsaid.
Just thought Id throw in some women empowerment advice in there.... get a hobby! or a part-time job! anything... and make your OWN money. Do something that interests YOU. Staying in a house day in and day out can get to you! You have to do something that is totally yours and own that thing. My sister has 4 kids and was stay-at home ... and let me tell you, she got stircrazy. Now she has a full-time job (they are all school-age now) and is allooott more happier.
The only way I listen is : if they make a valid point, not overly critical, but genuinly trying to help out.
Well sometimes advice is goodbut other times it can just be plain annoying, and I know what you mean aboutthe unwanted advice. Now this is none of my business but since it's written here aI feel that I should comment, I tink that you should leave the kids with your husband and leave for a couple of hours and just hang out with friends, and also I feel that since he does have a six digit income that he should give you more than $20 spending money........but I know it is none of business and just tolet you know I'm not judging..........I'm just stated my opinion.....
Why are you living in a relative's home? Get your own place and they will have no say. As for your husband...and you, 'we' should be more important than 'me' (as in both of your actions and desires). What do you do as a couple? Daddy needs to come home, pay a babysitter, and you two need to start being a couple again. A couple with a home of your own. As for cleanliness, when you have a baby, it IS a full time job. The baby can't help that. The house is low priority if you are being a good mother or even just and exhausted mother. Unfortunately, some people can't empathize very well. If it wasn't your sister-in-law's home, I'd say to hand her a broom next time she brings it up. But if it is her home, she is protecting her interest...which, sadly, is her home and not you.
not mil yet but she is driving me insane!!! I totally understand what you are going through!! there are other ways to do things...accept it for crying out loud!!! this is why I told my fiance I can't and will not live with his parents after we get married...and I explained...I guess the key is really communication...we're getting our own place...my parents are helping me out a lot since they own the place and they are renting it out to me...good luck my dear...and talk to your husband!!! (unwanted advice :p) take care of yourself first...everything else will fall into place after...