by Mama Monkey
The scene plays out on a (unfortunately) nearly weekly basis in my house. I am tired and it seems like one thing after another (after another...after another...). I come to the end of my rope and, unable to take a couple minutes to myself (whether because of guilt or actuality), an explosion occurs. You know, the type where your children's eyes become as big as golf balls and their mouths drop open as you vow to lock them in their room until supper time (mind you the whole ordeal occurs before lunch). Before you are even done, you regret what you are doing. The question is, what happens afterwards?
I have found that people have very differing opinions on this part, including my husband and I. Here is how it would play out in my situation.
After said emotional explosion occurs (or in the middle of it...I try to stop as soon as I realize what I am doing), I tell my boys I need a minute to calm down. If the case is that Monkey3 is up and in the room, I ask them to leave the room for a couple of minutes so I am able to stay with Monkey3. If not, I will usually just go sit in my bedroom for a couple minutes. When I have had the time I needed to cool down, I sit down and calmly have a discussion with them. It starts "Looks guys, I am sorry. Mom got mad a little bit ago and I lost my cool. I know I shouldn't yell like that, but sometimes it happens. I am sorry, can you forgive me?" Then we would go on to calmly talk about the behavior(s) that led to the explosion and why it was not appropriate. There are also times I admit to them that I just plain over-reacted and it was more my crankiness/tiredness that caused me to boil over.
There are people that would strongly rebuke me for apologizing to my children because that is just not something a parent should have to do. While my husband does not rebuke me for it, he is not as comfortable doing it as I am (or as I would like for him to be). The reasoning that I have generally gotten for this from people I have talked to about it is that children cannot/should not know that their parents mess up because it lessens the child's respect for said parent. I don't know that it might also be one of those 'generational' things. Is it the resounding idea that children should be seen and not heard?
I guess my thought is that it is good for the kids to see apology and forgiveness in action. It is good for them to understand that mom and dad are not perfect, and therefore don't expect them to be either. It is good for them to see that I can recognize when I have done something 'wrong' and admit it (instead of hiding it away). It is also about mutual respect.
With yelling as the example here, the rule in our house is no yelling and I also teach them that we all need to follow the rules. Is it acceptable for me to break said rule just because I was angry? No, just like it isn't OK for them to scream at their brother or me because they are angry. When your children break a rule, do you expect them to recognize that (which may mean you pointing it out to them - my kids have done the same to me) and apologize for it? Generally, yes - so shouldn't you model that by doing the same? I don't want them to think I am perfect, nor do I want them to think that they are expected to be. And I believe that mutual respect is necessary for a good parent/child relationship. Yes, a child who fears you may obey you - but are they going to come to you when they have a problem they need help with? I believe (from my own experience, along with experiences my friends had) it is much less likely.
I would say that I get positive results when I apologize to my children. My yelling may have hurt their feelings or scared them, and this often helps to resolve that issue. Of course, I am continually working to be a better parent and lessen the occurrences that would require an apology on my part but I am realistic and know that I am going to mess up (and that is perfectly normal). In my opinion, even something 'small' and 'simple' like interrupting my child requires an apology on my part (as it does if they interrupt me).
What are your feelings on apologizing/openly admitting when you mess up with your kids?
Comments (19)
I 100% agree with you. We all follow the rules and we all apologize if needed. We respect them, they respect us.
I agree completely. I find myself having to apologe to my children when I lose my cool too. I think it's important for them to see that we all mess up, and what better way for them to learn how to act in a situation like that, than by modeling.
I couldn't agree more. I can't understand how apologizing to ANYONE when you've done something wrong is a bad thing. In the case of kids, doing something wrong and NOT apologizing would lead to less respect for the parent long before it would be the other way around. I certainly don't expect my children to think I'm perfect, just like I don't expect them to be perfect. I think apologizing anytime it's necessary sets an excellent example for kiddos, or anyone around you for that matter.
I say sorry to my kids all the time. It lets them know that even adults can mess up and when we do....we appologize. Kids learn their behaviors from their parents. They learn how to relate to people through us.
This shows them you respect them as people and they are worth your time, words, teachings, and love.
Maybe the issue some people take with it is if your child is the one correcting you. I definitely think apologizing to your kids is necessary when you lose your temper with them. It will teach them that losing their temper is wrong, and that if they do it they have to apologize. If you go around acting like nothing happened or it wasn't a big deal, it shows them that it was an acceptable behavior.
My goodness, people would truly rebuke you for this?
Children need these things modeled for them. Respect is caught and taught, children watch to see if we are faithful to our beliefs and what we 'tell them' they should do.
Stay strong and follow your heart.
From a teen's point of view -- I think a parent that overreacts, then does not even acknowledge that they did so is less respected than a parent that will admit that they are wrong.
That is the case in my family. One of my parents will scream and shout, and then it is all over... but I don't know if it is over or safe to be unafraid, because it is not acknowledged. The other parent will shout... but come back later and apologize for shouting, then explain why they were angry enough to shout.
Apologizing doesn't automatically fix the hurt or make it all okay... but it does establish respect. And it is leading by example. I think knowing how to apologize is important for all people, and parents to their children is no exception.
By the way, I love the picture that accompanies the post ;D
I'm 110% for appologizing to kids. I myself was appologized to many times by my parents. It taught me how to appologize as well as the fact that no one is perfect. I plan to do the same with my children and hope that they see it the same way that I did when I was little. Good luck to you and congrats on taking time to cool off. I know a lot of parents that never catch themselves. Kudos!!
=) Caitlin
I agree 100% with you. You are showing respect to your children, and at the same time modeling for them that a) people are allowed to make mistakes and b) how to be gracious about admitting your mistakes and asking for forgiveness. Those are very important lessons to learn. I also believe that over time a child's respect for their parent will be greater if they can see their parent being human and admitting to it, rather than pretending to be perfect when we obviously are not.
We are their role models and we set the example for the behaviors that they will pick up and make their own. Shouldn't we want to model the best ones?
I think it is one of the hardest things to do - apologize to a child when you are the 'adult' in the situation. Too many people think children shouldnt see adults as imperfect. I agree with what pretty much everyone has said. It teaches respect. And rules of the house are for everyone. Monkey see, monkey do. You are being a good monkey.
@TornadoChaser - same here. Getting the older two on that boat is a challenge. Well thats ok I push them overboard and apologize later. I also say Please pick up your toys Princess, Please take out the trash J. Please help your brother. Please help your sister. and Thank You as well. Manners go along way and I don't believe in do as I say but not as I do unless it comes to adult things like shaving, make up and playing with daddy lol.
I wish my parents had been a little more forthcoming with apologies and asking forgiveness when they screwed up. (That's assuming, of course, that they do in fact screw up.) It would have meant the world to me to know that my parents are human too and that they are ok with humbling themselves in front of their children (who are also their sisters in Christ). Forgiveness is an important lesson, and how are the kids going to learn if mom and dad don't set the example? Obviously they will make mistakes, but if they don't admit it, the kids can't learn that it's ok to make mistakes too.
Thanks for your post!
This entry reminds me of the concept of "The Good Enough Parent" which I learned about in a college Human Development class. The idea is that no body can be a perfect parent and that all parents will make mistakes from time to time. The key is that a "good enough parent" will make amends for these mistakes.
It sounds like you're doing just that.
"The reasoning that I have generally gotten for this from people I have
talked to about it is that children cannot/should not know that their
parents mess up because it lessens the child's respect for said parent.
I don't know that it might also be one of those 'generational' things.
Is it the resounding idea that children should be seen and not heard?"
I grew up in a house with a father who constantly over reacted and felt that he didnt need to explain himself, explain what I did wrong, nor apologize if it was unnecessary.
The thing about this was... If i had no clue what I did wrong, how was I supposed to fix that? I quickly grew to HATE my father, and my mother took the place as the parent I cared for, and respected. Why? Becuase she listened, because she showed she was indeed human and made mistakes, because she TOLD me if something bothered her, calmly, or apologized *(not as efficiently as you have written of, shes usually still angry but she does apologize and mean it)* and that made me respect her. So anybody who says that they wont respect you for that, is full of shit, excuse my language.
It actually makes me angry to read that people think they SHOULD Be arrogant assholes to their children.... How my dad treated me growing up has causd me to show psychological signs of abuse. Throughout my childhood people would try to figure out if I was, look me over for bruises, etc. But I was never abused. It was the mental turmoil of living with my father that caused it, and I still struggle with it to this day.
Bravo for doing so well, and dont ever let anyone tell you that its not the right way to do it...
My parents never appologized to me, even if they knew they were wrong. At best, I got an "oops" one time.
Seriously, I think it's okay to appologize when you've done wrong. We teach kids to do that, why can't we proactice what we preach? I don't have kids (yet), but when I'm watching my 5 yr old niece, I've appologized to her when I've lost my cool or accused her of doing something she didn't. You can tell it means a lot to her.
So yeah, kudos to you!
I'm almost 21, and as close to my parents as I am to many of my friends. I think them apologizing after a blow-up and explaining why it happened is one of the most important things they did for my sister and I when we were younger. I came to know how much I could count on them because they treated me with that sort of respect, even at a young age. I think it's fabulous that you are doing the same!
I apologize when I was mistaken, or when I am angry for my own reasons external to them, but when they drive me to the edge by being disobedient and naggy I make it clear that my anger with them could be prevented if they would behave and contribute what's expected of them. I don't have to apologize for being human and having some limitations to what I can deal with as far as attitudes or poor contribution from them. We are all entitled to lose our cool, as long as it's not violent or begrudging and there is communication it's okay.
I fully expect my kids to come into situations with each other and with us as parents and with others outside of the home that will anger them. I think it's important that they know that some anger is realistically justifiable and communicating it, even when it sometimes means shouting, is better than ignoring or burying it or pretending things are fine when they aren't. All of that said, I think it's important to be slow to anger and quick to forgive and to try to listen to one another- I'm learning to live that ideal the more I see my failures to live that reflected in the attitudes of my kids. (yes, i too find myself wanting to put everyone to bed for the day before lunchtime. occasionally I'm being unreasonable lol)
Good job with the monkeys and don't worry that your husband isn't as quick to say "sorry" to the kids. My dad never said sorry for over reacting to me as a child, but I knew from everything else he did that he loved me and he wasn't disappointed with me, and today we have a great relationship and are learning to communicate better as adults. In fact my dad is very sweet and considerate and loves me oodles. He's just not a gushy type and doesn't want to get sensitive openly. It's different if daddy monkey is hurtful a lot and emotionally-mentally abusive, but I don't get that vibe from you at all. Kids also have to learn that not all people wear their feelings on their sleeves and they can learn to communicate and connect with the more internal, less communicative parent just as well.
I think apologizing is very important. We need to be an example to our children. I had a hard time owning up to my mistakes because when my parents fought, yelled at us, or did something wrong, it was ignored. Great post!