Monday, 14 July 2008
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Cleaning-Up a Relationship
by Nurse Jenna
Today I am taking a break from being “NurseJenna.” Today I am “Just-Jenna” because I have a day off work. Or so I thought. I spend my days at work taking care of other people (and teaching nursing students), so a day off just for me is cherished time, as I know many of you feel the same. So what did I do on my day of leisure? I cleaned the kitchen, the bathroom, took out the trash and recycling, and did laundry. Sad, isn’t it? I am not going to complain about my life in general because it is fantastic—I travel a lot, eat at amazing restaurants, spend time with friends, see Broadway productions, train for my marathon, etc. But in general, I also work… a lot.So… what is your point, Non-Nurse Jenna? My point is this: I spend a lot of my “free-time” cleaning. I know, I know—join the club.
This is a big issue in my household. How messy is tolerable? My boyfriend and I disagree. I would by no means say I am a neat-freak; I am tidy. He, on the other hand, is what I would call a slob, or as my friends say—a typical guy. What is so frustrating to me is that he is not bothered by the mess, but I am. So who do you suppose winds up cleaning? Me! Why? Because I’m the only one who cares. I’ve tried the nagging approach, the nice approach, and even resorted to begging. Nothing seems to work. I can say that this is easily the biggest point of contention in our relationship. I’m frustrated by the mess; he’s frustrated by my frustration.
Is who-does-what with regard to cleaning a big relationship challenge for other people? Does anyone else find that your level of concern for the mess is not equal?
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Comments (106)
@shillyshara@xanga - There is also Boundaries with Children which I HIGHLY recommend.
I learned the magic phrase "You are responsible for your own fun" and am seeing some improvement
I used to get really mad about my husband not doing housework...but then I realized that it wasn't worth the fight. I am in a different situation than you though, as I am a SAHM and thus am home all day. I am a neat freak and cleaning has just become part of my daily routine. Got 5 mins? Scrub the toilet quick. Need to go in the other room? Take something with you that needs to be put away there.
Like I said, different situation than yours. My hubby helps out on weekends and a bit here and there during the week. He is at work all day and I am home - I don't expect a whole lot more from him. The 'fight' lessened with us for a couple of reasons 1) he realized how much I truly do each day and saw that coming home to a spotless house and supper on the table just isn't realistic on a daily basis so he doesn't get mad when it doesn't happen and 2) I realized that he doesn't choose not to clean/pick up just because he doesn't want to. While I am sure there are times that is the case, it is just a fact that most guys don't look at it the same way women do. I am not saying most guys are slobs - not what i meant. It is like they just don't see it...I'm not sure how to explain it I guess.
My husband has a full time job programming computers...I have a full time job taking care of the kids and the house. I know there are plenty of people who don't like that attitude, but it works for us. Sorry, this prob didn't help you a whole lot.
oh yeah that used to piss me off when i slept over at my (now ex) bf's place... what i found worked was, i threatened to not come over until the place was clean enough for my standards.... which are admittedly low, but his are much lower....
probably doesn't work for someone you live with though =/
I was thinking if your so busy then reading those books might be out too...lol
So my thoughts?? when you big clean your house set it up to where it can stay cleanish so that those big clean days are shorter... there are things like paper plates etc. that will help & also you could take the house in bites...like Honey will you vacuum? While I get the toilet?
& when you fold clothes take the dryer sheet in one hand and dust as you walk to where the laundry lives.... maintenance works better than busting moves...& I bet he could handle one thing...that way neither of you is overwhelmed.
I can SOOOO relate. I just got married and my husband is a typical guy. Not that he's a slob but he's.. not as tidy as I'm used to. So now that we share a home, it's either I relax and meet him where he's at or suck it up (aka clean clean clean) to maintain my standards. I have opted for the latter because I just accept a messy environment. But he's learning!
Oh, how much I regocnize myself in you and your situation!!! I find myself cleaning up after my husband most of the time. Throwing his rubbish, picking up his clothes from the floor.....etc. Unfortunately, it seems to be a global problem!! Everyone I speak to has the same problem.....
It's like having a big kid. I don't have any small ones yet, and find myself thinking "how much will I have to do if we get kids???? Will I ever have any time that I don't spend cleaning up after the others?" Is this the curse of being a woman?a similar problem sort of that i have is my boyfriends house is totally messy and most times also dirty. he doesnt care too much apparently because he hardly cleans it. he does tidying up such as the dishes once a week or after they stop fitting in the sink or picks up stuff. i vacuumed his rug the other day for the first time since christmas (which was the last time i vacuumed). his kitchen floor is never washed or swept.
its annoying because i have 2 roommates so spending time at my apartment isn't really in the cards and he gets annoyed or upset that his dirt bothers me. but i feel like i shouldnt be the one to clean his house if i want to be there with him. i already clean up after the two guys i live with.
i guess most guys just are slobs.
I am definitely not a neat freak, I am clutter Queen, but I definitely don't like dirt, either. My husband grew up in a household where mom did everything. He really does very little housework, and I am OK with that. We have had our moments, of course. But I have learned that 1.I'm happier when I clean it. 2.He won't clean it if I clean it first. 3.My ideas about what is worth stressing about have really changed.
Try to understand his idea of clean. Since he never had to help at home, my Hubby often has no idea how to do something. When we first married, he would occasionally "help out" and things definitely were not clean like I expected them to be. I could get impatient with him, or just thank him profusely for helping. (One time, he did his own laundry and accidentally bleached all his colored shirts. they all look tye-dyed because he poured the bleach right on top of the load.) Its a lot quicker, and I have less resentment if I just do some things myself. But other things I have learned to just let him do it his way because it really doesn't matter as long as it gets clean.
I have also made clear to him which messes I really can't stand. I absoloutely will not wash clothes that are not in the hamper. If I pick up his clothes from somewhere else, I just dump them on the floor in the closet. It took 4 1/2 years for him to figure out I was serious on this one. But now (after 5 years) he does not leave his clothes in the living room. It took patientce but he now puts his dirties in the hamper. The trick to this is not nagging or mentioning it to him more than once. You have to say, "I won't wash it if it isn't inthe hamper." and then just sit tight and wait for him to figure out you mean it.
It sounds to me that you have more of a problem resenting that he doesn't clean than actually cleaning. You teach people how to treat you by what you expect of them. So, tell him what you want and then expect him to get it right. If you nag at him, but do all the cleaning anyway, why should he clean? All he has to do is withstand a little nagging and it gets done. My husband often offers to wash the dishes. So I wait for him to wash the dishes. Usually, he is pretty prompt. But a couple times He did them when we totally ran out of not only plates but also pots to cook in. There would be no food and I would remark, "well, I had nothing to cook in." (I think he married me, at least in part, for my cooking.) Then they got washed.
I try not to get uptight about things not getting done because, in the long run, I would rather enjoy him than be mad at him for not doing the dishes. In my experience, if you learn to change your attitude about it, he might start helping more spontaneously. If you can be more laid-back about the cleaning, he might find it easier to help you. And who knows, if you relax a little your day off might be more enjoyable!
My boyfriend is messy, but not dirty. I'm always picking up his clothes and throwing out wrappers he leaves everywhere! When it gets to be intolerable though, I tell him it's his turn to do the dishes. He's pretty good about it and sometimes if he sees me cleaning, he'll help out. It hasn't gotten terrible yet and he's pretty good about helping out...we'll see if that changes if we get married!
Well I know that cleaning is an issue if you don't have much time on your hands. When there's clutter it tends to be more stress when you get home. You feel as if you're not keeping up at home like you should. It doesn't really bother me TOO much, however it does bother me to come home to a messy house. Makes you feel unorganized and unclean.
I've been needing to clean my room for about 2 weeks or so, and still haven't got it done. This entry is surely going to push me to get it done on my next day off...tomorrow. :)
-If you get a clothes hamper in the bathroom and bedroom, he could toss his clothes in them instead of on the floor. Maybe talk about chore days, so that he gets to clean at least once or twice a week. Rather it be doing the dishes, laundry or sweeping/vacuuming. Try that, and see if that helps. ;)
-Jenny-
My former man and I had the opposite problem. Granted, I was living there temporarily and was not given closet space or anything... (long story). But he would freak out any time anything was on the floor. I on the other hand, had to keep my clothes and stuff on the floor, where else was I going to keep them? I did the best I could given the circumstances though...
My husband has learned the perfect solution for this very problem.
He does such a crap job at cleaning or organizing ANYTHING that I end up telling him to just not touch anything at all, cause he does it all wrong.. haha
Course, I have cleaning and organizing issues of the OCD calibur.. but still he's a genius.. haha
As someone else said, I've resigned myself to the fact that I am a maid.. and what the heck is a day off?
Oh goodness. This is a huge thing for me and my boyfriend. I moved in with him three months ago and still haven't found a suitable place for the small amount of possessions that aren't in storage but my underwear (he was nice enough to give me a drawer). Everything else is stacked of piled every where and I've asked him several times to help me work out how to fit my stuff in his house, but he always says, "It looks fine to me. This is way more organized and clean than I ever kept it." Sometimes I literally feel like screaming and pulling out my hair. I can never find anything when I need it and everything looks so cluttered. I usually try to get it organized every two days, but it doesn't help because I don't want to just move around his stuff and change things when it's his house. He does say, "This is now your house too. Do what you want." But it still doesn't seem right to do that to him.
I think my girlfriend and I will be like that. I am not a clean person, and she's a neat freak.
Make a deal with your boyfriend. You clean, he does something else. A good trade off.
And guys will be guys..
Wouldn't it be nice if men would clean because they knew you cared and if they didn't, they would do it anyway because they care about you? Men can be kind of inconsiderate that way...
seriously...leave it a total sty for as long as it takes for him to go nuts.
he'll get tired of it eventually...just try to do things not in the house to keep your sanity...Lol, sounds similar to a situation with my last roommate and i...not a marriage, admittedly, but she was a clean freak, and while i'm not a complete slob...dust and piles of paper all over do not bother me. We argued all the time over one thing or another. We both kinda had to compromise on some things, though the nagging thing didn't work on me. Give me a good reason for it to be clean, not just "because dust is discusting". Lol, if possible, i'm gonna try to find a guy who has similar cleaning views...
BEST WAY TO GET A MAN TO HELP YOU CLEAN:
i wrote that in caps to get your attention :P hoped it worked.
i think when it comes to men you have to speak in a different language. asking your man to simply help out or to nag him isn't going to work.
personally, i think nagging will get you the opposite result! if you find something to nag about all the time, why would he bother cleaning at all if he feels like he'll NEVER live up to your standard?
but try this little trick.
basically go up to your boyfriend (husband or whatever), seductively put your arms around his waist, maybe give him a kiss.... and say something along the lines of "you know what would be sooooo sexy? if i came home one day and you just cleaned the kitchen..."
lol. i've even heard of this technique on tyra banks' talk show! lol....
every time i go over to my boyfriends house, i have to start cleaning! he always looks so prim and proper, but once you step foot in his apartment, all of that goes out the window. he says that it doesn't bother him because he's hardly there. he also says he knows it's time to clean when the apartment starts to smell... :/ WHAT?! needless to say, i have my work cut out for me!
The title of this blog confused me. I thought it was going to talk about making a relationship better...friend wise. It was the opposite.
It's a good blog.
ei.. nurse jen life isnt hard but you know u must work it out. me too im busy but ive got alot of time for him and for studies and for skul activities... goodluck and godbless!!!
This is the same exact problem I am having with my male roommate. Everyone else does their part but he always find a way out of cleaning or doing his part to help the general maintenance of our home. It's frustrating. I think the key is to always encourage and reward when they do something correctly or unexpectedly (like a pet or a child). lol
I think both people should clean the house slash apartment. Maybe you guys should take turns every other day. Maybe he will pick up more I'd he sees how much work it is when he let's it pile up.
xo
My advice: get out now.
It won't change, in fact, it will get worse and extend to your children. As the daughter of a chauvenist pig who never cleans up after himself, get ouuuuut!!!
This is such a touchy subject in my marriage..C's family is a little old fashioned in that his mom does the cooking and cleaning and his dad takes care of the cars and the yard. C is very stubborn about this and if I ask him to do stuff, he gets mad and asks if we want to do it 50/50, then I need to do more outside. We've actually been able to figure things out a little better lately, but I still do most (if not all) the inside cleaning. To some degree, I think it's a problem in most households. Good luck!