Friday, 11 July 2008
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Do Kids Make You Happy?
I read an interesting article in Newsweek earlier this week, and I've been so busy that I haven't had a chance to re-read it and actually give it some thought. I finally read it over just now, and wanted to see what other parents had to say about it. It's too long to post here, but this should give you an idea of what the rest of it's about:
by Mama KoalaThe most recent comprehensive study on the emotional state of those with kids shows us that the term "bundle of joy" may not be the most accurate way to describe our offspring. "Parents experience lower levels of emotional well-being, less frequent positive emotions and more frequent negative emotions than their childless peers," says Florida State University's Robin Simon, a sociology professor who's conducted several recent parenting studies, the most thorough of which came out in 2005 and looked at data gathered from 13,000 Americans by the National Survey of Families and Households. "In fact, no group of parents—married, single, step or even empty nest—reported significantly greater emotional well-being than people who never had children. It's such a counterintuitive finding because we have these cultural beliefs that children are the key to happiness and a healthy life, and they're not."
In a recent NEWSWEEK Poll, 50 percent of Americans said that adding new children to the family tends to increase happiness levels. Only one in six (16 percent) said that adding new children had a negative effect on the parents' happiness. But which parent is willing to admit that the greatest gift life has to offer has in fact made his or her life less enjoyable?
I added in the bold text, because those sentences really jumped off the page as I was reading. The article seemed to imply that if parents are honest with themselves, they would admit that having kids made them enjoy life less and that they were happier without kids. At the same time, the author did add this at the end:
As for those of us with kids, well, the news isn't all bad. Parents still report feeling a greater sense of purpose and meaning in their lives than those who've never had kids. And there are other rewarding aspects of parenting that are impossible to quantify.
As a first-time mom to an 18 month old, I'll admit that I have had my share of negative emotions over the past year and a half. Starting with a mini depression episode over the "damages" to my body, to the never-ending moments of frustration with trying to figure out how to be a good mother... all combined with sleep-deprived nights, and the difficulties of trying to balance the many hats that I have to wear (mother, wife, employee, daughter, friend, etc.). However, here's the other part to the truth. While I might have had more negative emotions since I've become a mother (compared to the year a half before, although pregnancy doesn't really count), I'll also state here that the positive emotions have been far deeper, higher, longer, and stronger since I had Baby Koala. I wish I could draw a chart to show the peaks of positive emotions before and after her birth. She is truly the joy of my life (and Papa Koala's too!), and my eyes well up with tears even at the thought of what my life would be like if I had to live without her...
The article is titled "Having Kids Makes You Happy" and the conclusion of the true/false debate is False. I understand the article's point of view and find the data from the supporting studies quite interesting, but I disagree with the conclusion.
So, how about you? Having kids makes you happy: true or false?
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Comments (12)
I am happy. Maybe not 100% of the time, but over all, I'm very happy with my life and family.
This is pretty much in line with what it seems to me the media is feeding us around the clock. "Kids are a pain!" "Kids are exhausting!" "Kids ruin your fun!" Our culture is so totally consumed with what make ME happy and feel like I'm having fun than about how we can invest in our world and leave it a better place. Spending every spare minute calculating up my carbon footprint and fighting animal abuse really isn't going to make that significant a difference when it comes right down to it. But if I while I'm making a difference I am raising my child to make a difference too we double our efforts.
As a mother we must learn to give of ourselves in a selfless way. We learn to live without sleep, make meals from a bunch of cans of beans and some meat from our freezer, do endless piles of laundry, and spend a lot less time looking "hot". LOL! But you said it well: The joys are beyond description. Those little arms around your neck feel like shaking hands with the president! The first time they say "I love you, Mommy" in their own little baby voice feels better than the biggest raise you've ever gotten! Watching your toddler push their cousin way from your lap and proudly exclaim, "MY MOMMY!" makes you feel like the president himself! Nothing can quite describe it! It's just a feeling like no other. Blogs like Momaroo are here to help remind us of those precious moments and how special they are by letting us see them through another mommies eyes! Thanks, Mama Koala, for reminding us of that!
I would have to say that while having my daughter adds far deaper mood swings and frustrations than I wouldn't have had without her. It also adds a depth of JOY that I never EVER could have known without her presence in my life.
Child rearing isn't about what it can do for me, but more what I can do for my child, however the emotional benifits for having kids FAR OUTWEIGHS the emotional downfalls.
And I want many more, including the child that is expected to arrive just after my daughter's first birthday.
I think the hardest thing to having children for me, is that fact that i often am alone to rear my daughter since my husband is in the Military and often gone. I think that that most definitely adds to the depth of the emotional downfalls!
What is it in your situations that make the emotioal ups and down more evident?
I read once somewhere that it is normal not to love every aspect of having children . Its not fun to wipe poopy bottoms, and stay up all night with a sick kid... but true lasting happiness is being connected to someone so much more important then all that.
I have 4 beautiful children (5,3,2,3months) and there are days and sometimes weeks (months...years) were I am going crazy, but I wouldn't change a thing. My babies give me purpose. They get me out of bed every morning, and bring me joy throught the day. Yes there is a lot of work that goes with them that is not fun, but anything worth doing requires a lot of hard work.
I think something interesting to note about this article is that it is discouraging people from having kids. Is this propoganda to keep population growth under control? (Yes, I am aware that this is a bit drastic, but it makes you wonder.)
Although I dont yet have my own children, they bring so much joy that adults cant. Adults are already crunched into a box they are told they need to fill. Kids havent done that and it is refreshing! Yes, a person can have a fulfilling life without ever having their own children. But children bring something to life that no one else can.
I also wonder if this isnt the result of modern thinking. People try to do and have everything! Kids have become a stress because so many people have them because they think they should not because they have truly weighed the options and really want them!
First I wanted to say that nothing can make anyone happy except for themselves. Happiness comes from within. You can be surrounded by everything our culture claims will make you happy and still be miserable. I agree with what everyone else has already said. Yes being a mother is hard. Sometimes I get frustrated and I just wish for some alone time and the lack of responsibility that you have with being childless. However, my son does bring a great deal of happiness in my life. Before I had my son I was totally caught up in my eating disorder. I was a miserable person even though I had a good life. I thought my son would only add to the stress of my life, but having a child has had the opposite effect on my life. I won't say that I am beaming with bliss everyday, but there is not a single thing I would change about my life.
How are they measuring happiness any way? By admitting you feel stressed ? angry? sadness? or other negative emotions? Of course when you have a child you may feel those things more often than someone who doesn't. That does not mean that you aren't satisfied and dare I say happy with your life. I think this study is flawed.
I've read or heard of similar findings, that the years when couples have young children tend to show a decline in overall happiness that then comes back up once they're out of the house. I wonder how much of it has to do with other factors-- a sudden greater awareness of the evils in the world now that they can directly affect your little ones, financial issues of supporting a family, etc. I've only been a mom for 5 months, but I kinda agree with you, I've definitely had some incredibly horrible moments so far, worse ones that I remember ever having before (and certainly not all in a span of 5 months), and this task of being a mother is the hardest I've ever faced. At the same time he's such a joy, especially as he starts learning new things and reacting more to me and my influence.
what makes dad happy is what makes mom happy. and fulfilling our God given sex roles is what makes us most fulfilled. people define happiness differently ;)
Is life as a parent a perfect, paved, never bumpy road? Absolutely not! Did I expect it to be? NO! Do some and does certain media make it look glamorous? Yes! Do my children give me a reason to be happy every day? ABSOLUTELY!!!
I wonder what these findings would have been like 15 years ago before Hollywood had all it's glamour-moms. I think it is definitely a scary trend of what we (meaning society as a whole) judge our happiness by. We seem to expect perfection and will be happy with nothing less.
On the fourth I had the pleasure, again, of watching my 8-year-old daughter running in circles with a sparkler in each hand. Arms windmilling, she ran round and round our yard in delight. When the sparklers died Mom would give her two more and round and round she would run. The joy of watching her delight brought tears to my eyes. I am 51. My wife and I have six children - three boys and three girls. The oldest is 26. My children have taught me true selflessness and brought me great joy. Our lives otherwise did not turn out as we had planned - but we would not have traded any of our children for any amount of success. It has been disturbing to me to watch our nation become so self-serving. More and more couples are missing true fulfillment in their lives while chasing after status and stuff. It also seems that many of the people/magazines that tend to denigrate parenthood are either missing a lot, or are purposefully trying to steer society away from the nuclear family (and that's NOT 'nookyoular' Mr. The-person-our-children-should-look-up-to President!).
Children bring you joy, maturity, fulfillment, and a clearer perspective of your place in the universe.
My son made me just happy enough to only want one child. :)
I think your way of explaining that was perfect! I don't have kids yet, but I feel I've been able to observe enough to agree with you on this one. You may have more stressful/negative emotions, but when you do feel happiness, it's a much deeper happiness than you had before you had children. That makes perfect sense! They could say the same about marriage...I have never been so stressed out in my life! And I have had some very depressing moments in the last two and half year. But all of that is worth it when I have someone to cuddle me at night, share in my little joys, and someone who loves me for me. Our joy is deeper as a couple than it would be if we were single. I would much rather be arguing over housework with my husband than not being with anyone. That article might be accurate, but they don't even begin to explain the whole picture. Awesome post, Mama Koala!