Wednesday, 09 July 2008
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Friends Without Kids Sometimes Don't Understand
Sometimes it's hard when your non-mom friends don't see your point of view in raising kids. There are numerous accounts when I decided not to hang out with my friends because I simply gave up explaining to them. Also, it's been hard being a Maid of Honor to my best friend who is getting married this year and can be quite demanding of certain things.
There was one incident when I had to meet the bride to do a trial dress fitting for myself and the bridesmaids. That day was extremely hot, it reached up to 98 degrees in New York and I didn't want to take my daughter out. So I told my friend that I'll have to run a bit late cause I do not want my daughter to suffer from heat exhaustion. She gave me a hard time saying that the trial dress fitting is important to her. I stated to her it's only a fitting, which is not a major issue and that I'm just running a bit late. On top of that my husband helped me and left work early because of this.
Sometimes I have to speak up for my daughter because she's my top priority and she means the world to me. I have come to learn to sacrifice certain things for my daughter. There are times I wish my friend would understand my situation but instead she only see it as troublesome.Do your non-mom friends sometimes give you a hard time about not being as available?
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Comments (29)
Yip. Not only that. I am now a single mom of two. Amazing how they don't understand that when I feel lonely, I CAN'T just jump in the car and go out for a cup of coffee or to see a movie - NOT when there's a 3 year old in the house!
My mom isn't as avilable as her friends because she has ten kids, so she has to make sure everyone has what they need before she goes somewhere. Her friends somehow understand that.
If they're really good friends, they should understand that your child HAS to be the most important thing to you.
I think as long as you kept your daughter hydrated and in A/C most of the time, she'd be fine, though. Heat exhaustion is mostly dehydration, so if you just make sure she has lots of cold water, it shouldn't be a problem.
I think it would be especially hard for your friends to understand if they don't know your daughter well or have a good relationship with her. If your friends get to know your daughter they will hopefully come to care about her and her needs almost as much as you do. I guess it all depends on how understanding your friends are though. (But brides can tend not to be the most understanding people at times)
I started my family at an early age, when everyone else I knew was still in college and "having fun". I was the only mom I knew for a long time and people I knew just gave up on me so to speak. It was lonely and isolating for a long time. I often don't expect most people to fully understand you can't just drop things and run until they have kids of their own.
I was a non-mother friend for a while. Yes, it is kind of hard to see eye-to-eye with a mommy friend because I don't have the same experience. But as a non-mom friend, I had a hard time with hanging out with my friend. We couldn't have a conversation because the kids were constantly needing attention and interrupting. We couldn't go anywhere together because she didn't want to get the kids out. We could hardly talk on the phone because she was always holding a crying or yelling child right next to it. I was trying to be understanding, available and not be selfish, but after a while I felt like I was being friend-dumped by her. The relationship turned out to be very one-sided, me listening and playing with her kids to giver her a break, and not getting a word in edgewise while she vented about how hard it is to be mother. It's like because I didn't have kids, I couldn't possibly have anything in my life that was stressful, or even meaningful for that matter.
It's not always the non-mommy friends who are not understanding. And being in a different place in life doesn't make you a bad friend.
Most of my friends have kids but don't really understand how difficult it is to raise an adopted child. I adopted a little girl from Brazil years ago--she is brown and I am white--to say nothing of the many more difficulties inherent in the problems of raising a child who has experienced a primal rejection--abandonment of the birth mother.
I'VE NEVER GIVEN MY FRIENDS WHO ARE MOMS A HARD TIME...IF WE COULDN'T TAKE THE BABY WITH US WHERE WE WERE GOIN WE'D EATHER WAIT UNTILL THE KIDS WERE IN DAY CARE OR JUST CHILL AT THE HOUSE OR BRGIN THEM BC MOST OF THEM WERE AND ARE STILL SINGLE MOMS AND I KNOW HOW THAT IS...I GREW UP WIT JUST MY MOM AND THEY NEED ALL THE LOVE AND SUPPORT THEY CAN GET....
@mamaturtle - That's pretty much where I am (except I'm a dad, and I live 30 miles from anywhere.)
Unfortunately, your friend sounds like a 'bridezilla' candidate...
Yes, it's hard for people in different situations to understand the other's point of view; but i'm glad you didn't just fold and choose the fitting over your daughter's needs. That's what a parent is for, and i commend you, even though it isn't easy a lot of the time.
I defintely understand how you feel because I had a similar situation. My 2 year old son went to visit his dad for a month, and one of my close friends just could not understand why I didnt want to hang out for his birthday the weekend my son came back! He'd been gone for 30 days so I was definitely gonna me make his homecoming all about him! My friend got so upset because he felt like I wasnt even attempting to spend anytime with him, but I wasn't! There was no way I leaving my son with a sitter when he had JUST got home. I had to explain to my friend that it doesn't matter the occassion: Christmas, Thanksgiving, Kwanza...whatever! My son comes first.
It's not my female friends who do this, but male friends. They wouldn't get it even if they were parents. I gladly spend the weekend at home with my daughter over spending a night in a crowded, hot, smoky club or bar.
I think some of my "friends" think this about me, but have never said anything. I know they do because there is one chick I used to work with that we still talk every now and then, she asked if we could hang out and I told her that I'd need to deal with James first, but if I can't make it, I'm sorry. I ended up not being able to make it, I told her, but she never replied back. I, too, started a family at a very early age(married at 20 and had James at 21) and my closest friends don't have kids and they think it's easy for me to just up and go when I please and it's just not like that.
@mamaturtle - YES! People just don't get it sometimes. Moms have a new set of responsibilities, and it's not always easy to just drop the baby off with someone so we can catch a movie like back in the old days. (As if it's that easy to get a child cleaned, dressed, fed, and packed). And honestly, sometimes we (moms) don't want to do that, anyway!
Yes...even people who we know that have teenagers, or adult children tell us that they took their kids out everywhere when they were babies. And one time, we traveled quite a way to my friend's bridal shower, and afterwards M had to take a nap....at the time she liked the comfort of home for napping and nursing, so needless to say, she didn't nurse there either. And my friend wanted to go out on the town with a few of us, and said, 'Don't they just sleep anywhere?' One of my friends said that he has a friend with a baby, and they didn't want to give up their old lifestyle of always going out for late night desserts with friends, etc. The baby sleeps a total of 6 hours a day. What?!?
I have friends, that are non moms also. They tell me, how and what to do with situations, just because their moms did or didn't do it to them. Their not mothers yet, so they shouldn't be telling others how to handle our children, before they experience it themselves.
I had my first when I was just 19 (my husband was 17) so we had a really hard time for while because that is just not what most people our age do. They go out and drink, hang out ... pretty free. Not so anymore when you have a baby. But we (parents) can't expect them to just understand...did we before we had kids? Hopefully you are lucky enough to either have a friend or two who is still cool with it or are able to find some moma friends in your area. (I haven't had either...oh well.) I remember feeling badly for my husband that he was missing out on the 'typical college kids days'.
I have heard people say it is so selfish to not want kids because you don't want them to change you life style..and it does sound that way. But I give these people credit for realizing they aren't ready to be parents instead of feeling pressured to do it anyhow and then negleting or resenting the baby.
Oh yes I do.. And it's one of the hardest things to explain.
I think you're friend doesn't know what she's talking about. Well, maybe she does, but when she has a child of her own, she'll understand.
@hannahtan528@xanga - This is the person that I am definitely not. I am 21 and do not have kids, nor do I think I want any. I love babies though. My best friend is older and has 3 kids, the youngest just turned 1. It IS very hard as a non-mom to know when she just needs to vent or when she wants a little input...but when in doubt don't say anything at all! I do not know what's best for her children, I am not around them every single day, I don't know what they're really like for the most part. I just try to be as supportive as possible. I can't imagine how hard it must be to be a mother, much less a single one of 3.
Don't get me wrong, I don't want you to think that I pity her or feel sorry for her, and she knows that I don't. I offer these things because I want to, because I truly enjoy taking care of her baby, because it gives me a chance to actually see her every once in a while still, and because I think that everyone deserves a break sometimes.
@sadlypoetic@xanga - You're doing the right thing. You just have to be there for her. I'm a single mom as well, but only to one 6 month old. It's much harder for her, because she has three. If anything, just offer to babysit her kids, so she can go out and do things for herself.
@hannahtan528@xanga - Thank you for your comment, it's nice to know that the little things are appreciated. She knows that I am always willing to do whatever I can for her, but I do not want to cross the line of "too much" and her think that I think she's not doing it right. I'm watching the youngest all weekend so she can have a break while the other kids are at grandma's. Maybe I'm crazy but I love watching him..but at the end of the day it's always nice to give them back! Hence why I'm never going to be a mother!
@sadlypoetic@xanga - You also have to watch out, because some mothers, doesn't like it when others watch their child. Like me, I only let family members watch my 6 month old, for now. Maybe when she gets bigger, others can watch her.
I understand where you are coming from, especially combined with the fact that I am so young most of my friends are still in college.
I live in Phoenix though, so to worry about taking my daughter out into the heat would mean staying inside from May until November. I don't think you need to worry at 98 degrees, just make sure to bring water with you.
My friend just had a baby. She's only 18 and it's hard for our group of friends to include her in things since she has a newborn at home.
I think that a REAL friend would be understanding and not give her mom-friend a hard time. But at the same time, from the friends point of view: it's very hard to be there for her. I wish I could be there every time she got lonely or stressed out, but that's impossible. Mothers need to realize that as well although it's unfair...
But because we care about and want the best for her, we also want the same for her child, so we do our best to work both of them into or plans.