Tuesday, 08 July 2008
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He's the Baby, Gotta Love Him
by newdaddyOne of the Ladies from church stopped by Sunday afternoon to see Newbaby, and to find out why I was at the morning service but Newmommy wasn't. We explained to her that we had decided to wait a few weeks before bringing him to church because 1) germs, 2) the fact that he hasn't established a routine yet, and 3) we don't want 50 million church ladies all over our newborn. He is ours. Paws off!
She regaled us with stories of how when her two daughters were born, she took them to the next church service, even when her second daughter was born on a Wednesday and she wasn't discharged till Saturday afternoon. We continued talking and she mentioned that Newmommy and I looked tired. I mentioned that Newbaby hasn't really figured out day and night yet, so I've been the one staying up til around 4 or 5 AM with him, and Newmommy has taken over at that point to let me sleep, even though she gets up every 2.5 hours to feed him anyway. This led to her saying "oh, that's spoiling him, are you going to let him start making all the decisions already?"My wife is a people-pleaser, and I could tell she wanted to provide some evidence to the contrary, but I spoke up before she could come up with some bogus excuse. I looked churchlady straight in the eyes and said "yes, we are. He will establish his own routine, and we will adjust to it. In the meantime, we are going on the assumption that when he cries, it's because he needs something, not because he's looking for attention." The subject was changed rather abruptly- and not by me or Newmommy- to just how cute our son was, and the subject wasn't brought up again.
On that note, Newbaby has decided that we are- for the time being- a co-sleeping family. I am very opposed to attachment-style parenting, and would like to gradually shift him to a parent-directed system, but right now he doesn't understand that we put him in the bassinet for fear of rolling on him. He just thinks we're abandoning him. So that transition will happen slowly. He currently spends about an hour in the bassinet, sometimes 2, before waking up and screaming until he can fall asleep on Newmommy's tummy- I guess when your old home is so close and unoccupied, you try and restake your claim on it. Once he starts sleeping in longer stretches, I'm hoping he can learn to do so using some mattress that is not made of parental flesh. He's also apparently hit his first growth spurt, and Newmommy tells me that the constant feeding is quite painful. Unfortunately, it's still another 4-5 weeks before we can start using all the milk we've pumped for bottle feeding without fear of nipple-confusion.
My question to the mommies (and daddies?) out there is this: Did/do you live your life to accommodate your newborn baby's routine, or did/do you try to get your baby to follow your schedule?
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Comments (19)
sweet. Â This is me.
Trying to make a newborn fit until an adult schedule is like trying to fit a very big square peg into a very small round hole. You do what you can to adjust around the baby and keep what little is left of your sanity.
First....make up your mind to do things your way in terms of
parenting. Everyone will try and give you advice but you need to only
listen to you...
I think with us, and being on our 3rd newbie.
I've finally realized that it isn't a schedule as much has it is just a
routine. The times don't matter as much as the consistency in what we
are doing. For us a Feed-wake-sleep cycle has worked great. When baby
wakes she gets fed first, then we play and spend time with her and then
when she fusses she's ready for sleep again. And I have finally learned
to start teaching her to fall asleep on her own from the beginning
instead of trying to decide to let her cry it out or rock her for the
first year of her life. THat doesn't mean I am not in there every few
minutes some days rocking the basinnett or patting her bottom, but
putting her in her bed and getting her to realize that she doesn't
"need" me to fall asleep is a very valuable thing as time goes on!
Babies need consistency and whatever works for you and your wife will
be fine with baby....they are essentially a clean slate and what things
you start doing with them are what they will come to like and
expect...so I say do what you can live with!
I am so anti-scheduling for my baby. She makes her own schedule, and I go with her lead. Makes for a much happier baby and happy parents.
I also was somewhat opposed to attatchment parenting, but then along came Lydia and we are a co-sleeping, baby wearing, on demand feeding, attatchment family! You need to do what is right for you and your family. Throw out all of your notions regarding parenting, newborns, infants, toddlers, and the such. Look at your baby, listen to his cries, follow your heart. You will all be happier!
It's your baby and you have the right, if you want to take the baby to church already or not. Besides, my baby is only 6 months and I still don't take the baby to church. If church people want to see her, then they come over to the house. I wouldn't want a lot of people touching her either. There's just too many germs and it's hard, when the baby gets sick.
We're big time schedulers at our house. That decision was pretty much made for us when the girls were premature, though. After 3 1/2 months in the hospital, they were already used to a scheduled life. Plus, due to health reasons, we had a very strict schedule to continue once they came home. They had a feeding schedule (every three hours) and C was only allowed so much milk due to fluid restriction. We also had to follow a strict protocal for their meds. Once they were older and allowed a little more freedom, I kept the schedule notion, more for mine and Papa Penguin's sanity than anything! I don't know if we would have done anything differently if 1) we hadn't had preemies, or 2) we hadn't had twins. We constantly had people recommending or even telling us what to do, but like a couple of moms have said before me, there is no right or wrong. The beauty of parenthood is that you get to do what you think is best for you and your family. I'm still very happy with our "scheduled" life. That doesn't mean we don't make adjustments here and there, but it sure makes for a happier Mama Penguin and C & M have thrived off of the consistency and knowing what to expect. There's security in that. They were sleeping in their cribs, in their own room, only one week after we brought them home. Now, if I get caught up in the day and don't realize it's nap time, one or both of them almost always reminds me, baby doll in tow, and a sweet "Mommy, it's nap time" reminder. :)
I guess that I would have to say that we are somewhere in between the two. We have a schedule that is pretty close to the same every day...but it isn't set in stone. If someone is having an 'off' day, things get moved around, added in or taken out here and there. My babies have alway nursed on demand.
I don't think that there is a right or wrong here, but that different things work for different babies. One things I do hold semi-strongly too is getting the baby to put themselves to sleep instead of always falling asleep on somebody. I just think it makes things much easier in the long run. My first was rocked to sleep every night until I got pregnant with him brother when he was about 2 - then I realized I couldn't do this with 2 kids every night. We had a heck of a time getting him to go to sleep himself. My younger 2 have been sleeping through the night in their own beds since before 3 months of age (lots of luck involved there too). They still sleep easier/better than my oldest one.
I also think it is easier to have do the baby-led parenting when you are only dealing with one. Once you have older kids and their schedules (school, sports, etc.) to deal with, you are almost forced into setting some sort of schedule. So I would say, enjoy the schedule free life while you can. I have also seen many peopel get upset when their babies get to be a year or two old and just planning a trip to the grocery store is impossible because you never know when that child is going to want what...then they suddenly wish they had started 'scheduling' sooner. I don't know. Every option has a downfall somewhere along the lines.
@TornadoChaser - yes, trying to fit a NEWBORN to a schedule can be impossible...but so can trying to fit a 2 year old who has never heard the word schedule into one! I wouldn't start with a newborn...but before age one some 'scheduling' can defintely be fit in (within reason and understanding you don't have control over it all the time.) I guess flexible scheduling is our style.
Welcome to parenthood, where everyone else knows what's best for you and your child!!!!
I think that putting a newborn into a schedule is a waste of time. They eat when they are hungry. You can't tell a newborn what time to eat. I nursed my son about every 2 hours when he was a newborn, but in the evening he sometimes wanted nursed every half hour.
I waited until our son was about 4-5 months old and I started writing down each time I fed him and each time he fell asleep. I then noticed his pattern and started scheduling him from there. It's worked out great! He's 8 months old and the same schedule applies.
Good luck and congrats! Tell your wife it will get easier, the first 6-8 weeks were really hard for me, stick with it! Breastfeeding is great if you can keep up with the demand. Now it's easy!
And what a good dad for helping during the night!
when we brought baby koala home, we tried to set up some sort of schedule for feeding and sleeping, but she would fall asleep during every feeding and i wasn't about to wake her up from her peaceful slumber. the first few months we followed her lead, but once she started sleeping through the night (at least 6-8 hours straight) we set up more of a schedule for her so that she wouldn't mix up day and night. in general though, our lifestyle has changed completely since baby koala was born. gone are the late dinners at restaurants, visits to the movie theater, and even trips to the slopes!
@mamakoala - We actually went to see Wanted with him in the snuggli- slept through the whole thing
there is a big difference between a routine and a schedule. the image you posted: feed, awake, sleep as a cycle is a popular routine also known as EASY - eat, activity, sleep, "you" time. a schedule is different however because it would mean doing things based on the clock. a routine can be predictable, yet flexible. i ditto the sentiments of Tavia_n_Jones...
a routine is a happy medium that could still address baby's every need (aka "spoiling" the child) and parent's needs as well. i love the EASY routine also because it breaks up any dependence on using feeding to lead to sleep. it's good to break this habit from the beginning. i don't want my baby to get dependent on feeding to be able to sleep. so, you break it up w/ some activity in between... even a newborn baby can be on the EASY routine where activity could equal something so simple as a diaper change. as they get older, it can involve gradually increasing tummy time, doing stretches and exercises w/ their arms and legs, playing w/ toys, etc... and the baby gets tired from that. you learn their different cries this way as well, because you know which needs need to be met next, and you go down the line in a systematic order. you can still feed on demand this way too, and it will be easier to learn what a hunger cry is.
however, as a newborn i did "spoil" my baby and followed all her cues. life was all about the baby, but that was definitely okay. and then she actually fell into this routine naturally on her own, it just took some observing to see it and then continue on w/ it to give her consistency. she started sleeping through the night (aka sleeping for longer periods at a time) at 8 weeks old when i saw this pattern. her days and nights finally got reverted back on track around this time too. and i've been able to basically take care of her w/o any help based on this routine (my hubby works extremely long hours in the office and my entire family is in CA)... it was definitely tough during the newborn period, but after she followed the EASY routine, life has been much, much grander for me as a first-time mom who's a self-proclaimed single parent literally "doing it all". check out the "baby whisperer" book if you are more interested in reading about EASY. i sound like a commercial for it, but it changed my life so much for the better!!
@manhattan_momma - I didn't post the image, that was done by Momaroo. It's also known as PDF if you're in to babywise.
@newdaddy - going to see a movie is easy now, just wait a few months =]
our son didn't move permanently to his own room until he was 12 weeks old. just remember that they've spent their entire life as close to mommy as they can be and with so much change going on it's important to keep some sense of security for your child while they're getting used to this big old world outside the womb.
kudos on standing up to Nosy Lady!! we've had more than a few of those moments ourselves. lately more with people wanting to know why we think our 11-month-old son doesn't need to be introduced to junk food just yet. if you start early with setting boundaries, though, it does get easier to get your message through.
congratulations on your little one!!
Another kind of advice. Go to resturants, the mall, do loud things around the house while the baby is sleeping. It will help baby during the day to be able to sleep through those things. We took my son to resturants and things like that when he was young and he would sleep right through it and he's done well since during the day. Someone gave me that advice and it really did work well.
as for spoiling...the baby isn't old enough to have figured out the right buttons to push to get what he wants..what the crap?! that's one part of parenting that I don't look forward to, the not-asked-for-advice from neighbors/family. I think with newborns, you end up adjusting because you're both trying to figure each other out. when he's older, you'll be able to change things. it's not spoiling...sheesh! congrats on the new baby!:)