Tuesday, 24 June 2008
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Letting Go of SuperMom
by Mama FoxHaving 3 kids under the age of 5, I am busy. Very very busy. I change diapers, breastfeed, clean up messes, read books, find missing puzzles pieces, clean up messes, wash dishes, fix meals and snacks, refill water glasses, play referee to wresting matches, kiss owwies, protect them from themselves, clean up messes, the list goes on and on and on top of that, I am homeschooling my oldest.
Part of my problem is I just don't ask for help. To prove I can do everything, I have to do everything. I'm sure it's a crazy woman thing. I have a hard time asking Papa Fox for help because he works all week to make the money so I can stay at home with our boys and last thing I want to do is ask him to do something that messes with his rest. As a result, I'm run ragged and he's stuck with a harried and tired wife who has no interest in "alone time." We are working on that part.
We agreed that I will ask for help more and Papa Fox will start by unloading the dishwasher every day then we'll add on from there. We've done a division of chores before. It was actually his idea but that flopped after a week because he got too busy at work and I felt like a nag reminding him all the time. This time I hope it works better.
I don't know if I'm trying to prove something to myself or proving to the world that I can succeed but I really need to let that go. I need to ask for help and take a break from being "Mama" every once in a while. Did ya know that I haven't been without at least one of my kids in the last few months? Not even a quick run to the grocery store by myself. That really wears on you after a while. So, I'm going to make plans for a break, maybe even a date with Papa Fox
. Either way, a couple hours out of the house won't kill me or the kids (unless they kill each other but that's a different matter).
This Mama is hanging up her cape. I don't have to be Super to be a great mama.
Are you good at asking for help or do you first try to manage it all on your own?
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Comments (13)
I always feel like. Well, I had them doesn't that mean I should be able to take care of everything. I have 4 kids 5 and under, and I have noticed, when I do relent and ask for help, I am a much nicer mommy. Also, I put the kids down for a nap (or at least make them stay in their room) at a good time, so that I can relax, and be a little refreshed by the time my husband comes home. The night goes much smoother. Date night is a gotta have. My mom will watch the big kids. Even if we take the baby, it is still a nice break.
I never was good at asking for help ... always felt I had to manage it all on my own or I was not living up to my 'Mom' responsibilities. Well, after having been through the last 20 years of raising kids and working full time, I have a very different perspective. I think that you are wise to start realizing now that there is no need to be a 'super mom' and do it all. You have to stop and take the time to remember who you are and do some things for yourself that are not necessarily mom-related. You will not regret it in the short or longer term when your kids are leaving home and heading out for lives of their own. You will be a more well-rounded person, a happier person and one that provided an excellent example over the years to your kids in more ways than one.
I'm pretty good about asking for help if I need hubby to watch the baby for a moment so I can do whatever. I have to work more on how I ask though because it's usually in a harsh "If you want me to do whatever you're going to have to watch your baby!" kind of way.
Reading your blog was like reading about myself. I have 3 children, ages 6 weeks, 23 months, and 3. I also am terrible at asking for help. I stay home, so I feel like it's my job to do everything, and don't even ask my hubby for help as much as I should. I guess I feel like he goes to work all day, so he should be able to rest or do something for himself when he gets home. Thanks for the reminder that I can't and shouldn't do it all by myself. We are better mommies when we take time for ourselves.
I am the worst at asking for help. My husband often gets mad at me 'cause I'll tackle something, fail, then be upset...and he's like...you should have asked for help. And I'm all, you should have seen that I needed help and just helped me. I just have a problem asking...I'll accept it, but I don't want to have to ask for it. Haha. I've tried to work on it, but to no avail...I still have the hardest time uttering those simple words: Will you please help me?
I also have to admit that I am a help-a-phobe. I am a stay at home mom also and, therefore, feel like I should do it all myself. Plus, I am a bit of a perfectionist with certain things, so I want things done the "right" way. That is someting I have had to work on trying to let go. My husband always seems stressed when he gets home from work, so I don't want to pile more on him. But at the same time, I know I break if I really try to do it ALL for too long.
I know how you feel about getting out without kids. My Bible study is wonderful b/c, though I have to take the kids with me, I get to drop them off with someone else for about an hour and talk to real, live adults. YEAH!
I'm not quite a mom yet, but in the past with everything else not only do I have to do everything myself, I have to be the best at it. In college, I had to have the highest test scores (or at least be way above the average). My house must be spotless. I have to be the MVP of every sport I participate in. Vulnerability is not something I ever want to show. I'm a type-A personality, my way is the best (or at least most efficient), and I'm always the person for the job.
Yet I am terrified of this baby that will be here in a few weeks, and already I feel like I don't do enough or I'm somehow failing. Guess I'd better start getting good at asking for help!! I don't want to be Supermom. I just want to be my baby girl's mommy and my husband's treasured wife. I want to be a Proverbs 31 woman and be satisfied with that.
@yourheadispunk@xanga - "and he's like...you should have asked for help. And I'm all, you should have seen that I needed help and just helped me." EXACTLY! Then he reminds me that he can't read minds and how usually he just gives me space so he doesn't get in my way while I'm doing something. We are working on verbal communication rather then me sending him thoughts with my brain.
I think you are going about it in a great way! Something small and easy. Build on it. And then if he gets busy at work and cant do everything (after you have built on it) take it back a step or two. And then work your way back up. I think no matter what, it is important to not get back to doing it all by yourself and feeling like you cant ask for help.
Good luck and congrats on realizing that you can be a great mom without being super!!
I'm reminded of a funny mom quote I read a while ago "Some days I don my cape proudly, other days I hide under it"
I find myself sometimes getting upset at hubby for not helping out more, but then I remind myself that he can't read my mind and though it'd be great for him to offer more of the time, he also tends to have no problem when I ask him to do specific tasks and I should do so more often.
@mamafox - hahahaah...that is exactly...EXACTLY how me and daddy work. I of course expect him to be a mind reader and he is thinking about when he gets to play video games next. But I've always been one to not ask for help. I've never been good at it and I work on it, but I'm one of those people that think "if you want it done right, you've got to do it yourself" Haha.
I am TERRIBLE at asking for help, but I had to learn to do it, because I developed SI-joint problems and severe pelvic pain during my pregnancy. My son is now 14 months old, and I'm still not completely pain-free... There was a time when I could not stand up for more than 2 minutes at a time - so I couldn't even bathe my own child, let alone unload the dishwasher. I have had to ask for a LOT of help over the past year-and-a-half! Most of the work was done by my husband (who, before this happened, was not much of a housekeeper), and some of the work was just not done at all. I guess you learn to live with it!
I still have trouble asking people other than my husband for help, but if this happens again with the next pregnancy, I am getting a part-time housekeeper! The pain is not worth any amount of clean dishes, I tell ya!