Wednesday, 04 June 2008
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Post Partum Depression
I don't know what else to title this than what I simply know it as. I don't know what I could possibly add afterwards other than I have dealt with this after each and every single birth.
by Mama Turtle
As my youngest grew older and I got better again, I was hoping it was something that was finally behind me, and I was thankful that I got through it all, almost totally on my own. Yet with my history, as much as I don't want to accept that it's a given, I need to prepare myself for the inevitability of going through the rapids and over the waterfall for a fifth time. Weeeeee!
Like my head isn't full enough. I'm not thrilled with having one more thing to think about. I know that I need to prepare myself better than I did the last time - though last time the PPD ran from after I had Turtle3 straight through my pregnancy with Turtle4 and beyond. I was on meds after I became pregnant and didn't come off them until about three months after giving birth, but when you're in the thick of things, it's hard to venture the steps out to take action. I was further emotionally thrown back when I finally reached out for counseling while still pregnant, a huge step for me, only to be seen by a social worker who told me insurance only covered a couple of group therapy sessions, and that was that. I don't ever recall having a harder time trying to walk out of a place while trying to hold myself in one piece than that moment.
How screwed up is that. One of the reasons I ended up on meds was because not only had I hit upon that last resort, they were also free. Literally free. I saw a general practice Dr. to get a script (basically an official "ok"), and my mother, a nurse, got them out of the pharmaceutical samples closet at work.
My pattern is familiar. I'd be happy during pregnancy (except for my fourth one). Then anywhere between immediately to three months after giving birth I'd be a wreck. It would take me until the baby was around a year old to start feeling normal again. Then another pregnancy starting a few months later would help make me happier again. The depression did stay long after Turtle3 turned a year old and I found myself pregnant with Turtle4, and I think the situation my family and I were in at the time was a huge factor (i.e. who wouldn't be depressed after a while of not affording the rent, hardly able to eat, utilities shut off constantly, and "help" tangled up in red tape...?).
I've run the gamut of symptoms. I've had crippling anxiety. Obsessive compulsiveness. Intrusive thoughts. And my favorite classic, the overall darkness and hopelessness. I hit lows where I honestly believed that my children were better off with out me in their lives entirely, though they were the only beings that got me through one day at a time. My obstacles seemed insurmountable as well. Terrible or no insurance. Little or no money to spend on "alternative" therapies, whether it was supplements or otherwise. Total physical isolation which is common for stay-at-home-moms, especially in a rural area. A partner who "didn't get it," making me feel even more alone. I had a child on the spectrum and didn't "know it" for a long time, on top of even younger ones to care for, with little help unless my husband was home. He worked full time and often had a second job, so that wasn't a whole lot.
How I managed to get through it on my own, other than being able to write, as well as share with others through the Internet at times, I'm really not sure. So much of those times in my life are such a haze. I felt physically and emotionally beaten.
I am already trying to address some of the factors that kept me apart from the rest of the world. I'm trying to make at least acquaintances with other moms in this new town I'm in. I've never even had acquaintances before (save for where I last lived), so that is an improvement for me so far, given that I'm naturally introverted. My goal is to have a driver's license and a vehicle for me to use (at least here while we're living in this town) so that I'm not stranded in my own house for weeks at a time. I'm going to look into at least general therapy for myself, as our financial and insurance situation is drastically better nowadays. I've been mindful of eating well, too.
I had hoped a long time ago (for lack of a better word) that my depressions were "helped along" by the hospital births I had. That my home births would help change my post partum outcome, especially as that was the experience for a lot of other people. I know now that may not be the case for me. I wonder if there are genetics at play for valid reasons too. I do feel of course that the first two rounds of depression were accentuated with PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder) symptoms because of the way my hospital births had gone. (After my third birth, it was the case of dealing with Child Protective Services being called on us by my mother-in-law. It ended well, but the first few days after that initial call were among the scariest of my life, enough to throw any level-headed parent a maddening loop). My home births were more than worth it for the healing that they did bring me.
In any case, four-for-four isn't a great record to be blithely optimistic with, and home birth (by itself) isn't the cure or preventative for everything. I definitely look forward to my upcoming birth, regardless of what I may face afterwards, and I even have hope that my hormones just might leave my brain well enough alone. However, I'm older and wiser enough to know that hope by itself is not action. I'm using it to take the actions I feel I need to take to avoid the worst of the rapids and from going over that big waterfall.Have you experienced post partum depression? What helped you get through it?
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Comments (34)
I was diagnosed years ago with clinical depression. So, it was only a matter of time before the PPD would kick my arse. And, it did. The first time around, my doctor put me on meds while I was pregnant because I was sliding down the slippery slope. And even though I was on meds after she was born, it was still rough. I spend a lot of time in prayer and have an awesome husband. That's how I got through it (that and the meds). Second time around, I asked for meds a week into being a mommy to two girls. My doc said "If you need something tell me." I looked at her and said "I need something." It helped. But, the process of weaning off of them was AWFUL. I will never be on Zoloft again if I can help it. Not sure what we'll do when/if there is a next time, but I'll do something. I am one of those people who is not embarrassed to admit that sometimes you need a little help. And, it's okay to ask.
It is odd because I have Major Depressive Disorder, recurrent but the one time in my life where I was symptom free long term was during my pregnancy and the two years follow the birth of my son. My son is moderately autistic and he was diagnosed during my husband's first ever six month deployment. For the five years during and after the diagnosis, my husband was home for less than 2 of them and never for more than 3 weeks at a time so the depression was just worsened by the stress. I eventually admitted that I needed more than counselling and agreed to medication. It was one of the best decisions I ever made and I was fortunate enough to have great doctors. It isn't for everyone but it helps if you are active in the process and have good doctors.
thanks for sharing, that sounds rough... i've had my ups and downs, but i haven't had to go through the lows that you've described here with my first (and only, so far) pregnancy. i think it's great that you're taking steps to beat the battle early this time around. i agree that sahms can sometimes feel really isolated, especially if close family and friends aren't in the same town. having a license and car REALLY does help a lot. we have 2 cars now, and everytime i grab baby koala and go out to the mall or park or even to the nearest target, i'm always thankful for it. i'm sure it's much harder to even want to leave the house with 4 (soon 5!) kids, but sometimes it's really worth it even if it tires you out. good luck with the driver's license!
I don't think I had it, but like the people I talked to with kids, just the first few weeks of my son's life I was a wreck. I cried all the time and barely slept. I guess it was the baby blues. I think it's good for anyone, regardless of the circumstances, to get counseling. Lucky for me, my hubby is almost finished with his Master's in counseling so I won't have to worry about how much stupid insurance will cover. I can understand how all these things can worsen the stress- just thinking about 4 kids is stressful. My heart goes to you sweetie. Like you said, having something like this to share with other helps. It always helps to at least take some of that off and put it somewhere else. Every time I have a problem, I either tell my husband or tell someone on the internet that I trust(as far as internet friends go). I'm rootin for you babe.
Sometimes I wonder how guys ever complain about anything.
This really opened my eyes. I always thought that pregnancy was a happy period for a couple, or at least it should be :\
This is just one more reason I'm scared to have children (and probably won't) my Mom suffered from PPD after both myself and my brother. It wasn't dangerous or anything, but she said she just felt very alone and all she wanted to do was cry. So she'd take me (or my brother and I after he was born) to Grandma's after Dad would go to work and she'd just bawl all day. To women who can do it, especially multiple times I am in awe and look up to you, but I just don't have it in me. lol
I have been there as well and you describe it perfectly. It was one of the darkest times of my life.......but thankfull came throught it and found that "light at the end of the tunnel" so many professionals told me about.
if you don't mind me asking, what exactly were you depressed about? were you feeling loss? overwhelmed? or just out of the blue? that is to say, have you been able to isolate any particular etiology for your PPD with a mental health professional? just curious...
I hope you feel better this time around :)
i had terrible depression when i was a teenager, and i even tried to kill myself numerous times. It seemed like i would never get out of it all, and eventually i got sick of taking medication and being sad, so i cut out the bad thoughts and when i would want to cry, i'd do something to distract me. After a month or so, i was totally back to normal. I found keeping a diary/journal helped alot too, just to get things off my shoulders when a shrink wasnt affordable.
I lived with severe depression for years and can't imagine having to care for small children during that time. I am glad you are able to articulate your feelings, I believe that it a great headstart to recovery. Peace.
@tim00@xanga - It pretty much felt like it was out of the blue after my first. My son had clung to life for his first several days and the first three weeks were very traumatic. When we finally got home and I was grateful everything was ok, I thought I was ok. Within a few months I had pretty much just the anxiety. I had no idea what it was and thought I was just going crazy, when I finally talked with a general Dr she said it was just hormones fluctuating and it would go away: I struggled with it for a year. After my second it was both anxiety and depression that started within hours after the birth, I at least recognized a while afterwards that what I had was PPD, as seven years ago it was talked about more openly than before. As far as inward causes I think it's possible that I'm susceptible to hormones causing chemicals in my brain to remain imbalanced. I found out that anxiety runs in my family as well.
As for loss or "something" concrete to be depressed about many women find that their lives could be just about "perfect" yet they still get PPD. I had my days of being overwhelmed (though once the whole situation my family was in presented a handful of months of overwhelming) like any mom but overall took to being a mom like a duck to water and I had "easy" babies.
I've never had the opportunity to see a mental health prof. so I've never had an official dx or a chance to really explore a root cause.
During my pregnancy my fiance and I were so happy and excited, but after almost a whole day's worth of labor and 2 doses of the epidural I was exhausted. I don't know when or how my PPD started, but I know I was tired. The nurses were letting anyone in and out of the room w/o my permission after my son was born and I just wanted to rest and I hardly got any. I didn't know what to expect after birth, but I sure had more than 2 handfuls to experience when I went through it. I think it started maybe a week or two after my son was born and I wasn't eating right, I felt neglected, my fiance and I were moving into a new town, and on top of that my fiance was on the road for his job all the time. I was not ready to have Evan all by myself. I remember feeling scared whenever I was left alone with my son. First, I was 19. Second, I have never had a child before my son now. Third, I wanted help until I felt comfortable, but I never got that. My parents were at work all day, my sister at school, and my fiance in different towns and/or states. And all of the sudden it surmounted. Sometimes when my son would cry I would be so frustrated (which I shouldn't have been because he was the easiest child and I knew it! He loved to sleep!) and I would get these horrible thoughts in my head of what I wanted to do. My biggest mistake: I was ashamed so I never told anyone. I had never even heard of postpartum depression. But my motherly instincts took over and I knew what I had to do. "I" kicked in again. I had been reading all of these parenting books and magazines on how to raise a baby and how to take care of one that I pulled them out and followed directions and I was always holding my son. I never wanted him to be set down. Since I felt that he had taken all my time, I didn't eat well: another mistake. I would hold off until I was for sure my son was asleep before I set him down anywhere and he always had to be next to me. But by then I was so tired that I couldn't think of anything except sleep. I wasn't taking my iron pills like I was supposed to. I was breastfeeding, and I was left alone with Evan when I still needed help getting up myself and doing regular things. Trust me. I was worn out and it bugged me because I didn't know what was happening to me. My fiance and I were so happy to have a baby and couldn't wait for him to come so we could take care of him and do everything with him, so where was all my enthusiasm? I wanted to be a great mother to my child and do everything for him. But somehow these thoughts in my head would intrude every once in a while especially when my son would cry. I, the "me," inside knew it was a cry for help and wanted to hold him and help him stop and soothe him, but these thoughts kept building up like a rage inside of me and I knew I had to put my son down because I did not trust myself. I would sit on the other side of the room and listen to him cry and calm myself down for a few minutes. And my motherly instincts would always kick in. And I was happy for that, but I hated those thoughts. It wasn't until I was watching the Tyra Banks show late one night when they were having a talk about PPD that I realized that PPD was what I had. I might sound a little corny when I say this, but it helped knowing I wasn't the only one and having all of my symptoms laid out in front of me. I decided to conquer them myself and balance out my life. Although I felt my son had to be held at all times unless he was sleeping and that I felt he took up the majority of my time, I broke out of PPD one step at a time. First, I acknowledged I had it. I told my fiance and family. I, however, did not want it on my medical record seeing that I was pre-med and did not want to be disqualified for any job because of some mental illness. I never tried to get help for it or any meds...I refused to take meds because I was breastfeeding and even when I got a headache or any pains during pregnancy I refused to take Tylenol for the sake of my son no matter how safe it was. What got me through it all? I kept thinking what I "me inside" knew needed to be done. I set all of my matters aside. I focused on my son. I focused on getting myself better like something as simple as taking a shower in the morning...eating...cooking...getting dressed up. I read in a magazine for moms, "...how are you supposed to feel good about yourself if you don't like what you see in the mirror?" It definitely made sense to me. I even exercised a little bit. I took my son on walks around the park and around my neighborhood. I knew I had it in me somewhere and I just had to find it and work on myself. Sometimes you just have to reach inside of yourself and if you want to be happy you need to take the steps to be happy. Because a happy mommy means a happy baby! I read that in a parental magazine, too! You know, when you first become a parent they'll give you magazine subscriptions for free for a year...American Baby, I think. Sometimes, even when you don't feel like it you have to work through a system and make yourself do it. That's what my dad taught me. It gets easier day to day when you get used to doing it all the time...next thing you know it'll just be a part of a daily routine! What also really helps is to take a short naps throughout the day when your baby is sleeping...I learned that the hard way. Even if it's just 10-20min. I always did it after I had a shower and ate breakfast while my son was asleep. And then again in the afternoon! It's a great way to feel refreshed! I wish you the best of luck and hopefully this helps even if just a little!
this post really touched me. i experienced PPD with my third - well, i realized it with my third. looking back, i think i also experienced it with my second too. but it went unnoticed. i kept telling myself to "snap out of this funk" and finally, when the third was a year old i decided to go somwhere and figure out what was wrong... i had a handful of sessions, incl testing, with a therapist, which i had spoken to my insurance co about and it was supposed to be covered. just when she gave me the diagnosis (PPD and severe anxiety, with some OC tendencies), I got slapped with a bill of over $2000. Apparently the testing itself wasn't covered... and with our precarious financial situation, I couldn't afford to continue her suggested course of therapy.
At first I was confused - I had unmedicated births, no epidurals, not even so much as an IV. I had home births, water births, I connected with the baby, I nursed until they were two. Wasn't that supposed to help me avoid all this? Plus, I was always a strong believer in the power of the mind and suddenly that power was failing me. It wasn't able to pull me out of this muck. I went on omega-3 fatty acids, St. John's Wort, and went off anything with high fructose corn syrup and yeasty products. That actually helped me feel a marked difference.
But what really pushed my progress out of the woods in the last few months was two things: starting massage therapy school a) because i get regular massages as we practice on each other and giving massage (studies show) is almost as beneficial as receiving too, so i get to give many many massages, and b) because i am pursuing something for me. Where I am not so-and-so's mommy, I get to be me and add to my life for no other reason than its what I desire. and the second thing was reading this book, which I am on chapter 5, but it has opened my eyes to alot. ALOT. A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. If you decide to pick it up, push through chapter one. You may want to put it down and forget about it - chapter one is really conceptual and seems like its a little "out there" at least for me it did, but after that it gets more practical and easier to digest.
i have a family history too - my mother (who refuses to get help) is severely depressed (to the point of being suicidal), closed into her house, speaks to hardly anyone, also has severe OCD, and alot of anxiety and anger. So you can understand my fears too - and my decision to try to be proactive - because i have seen where that road leads and I can't go there...
So that's my journey thus far... had a pregnancy "scare" recently and my mind went reeling thinking about starting this journey all over again when i haven't finished dealing with the emotions from the last time... but i gotta just go one day at a time.
and though its all too electronic in this form, i want to offer you the warmest and most accepting "electronic" hug that xanga can muster. because it isn't easy. and i only have three kids! if i knew you, i'd make sure we had girl time - getting out, just for us. and i'd give you massages too. :)
@mamaturtle - thank you for your reply. since you seem to have serially reoccurring episodes of PPD every pregnancy, i would recommend...if at all possible/feasible...a psych referral from your general practitioner (i'm captain obvious...and of course, please take no offense, i'm not insinuating that you're crazy...this is just a common and dangerous condition to have). i also assume your GP prescribed the psychotropic medications you were taking during your pregnancy. sometimes it's a necessary evil, but it is definitely a double edged sword. i just have a personal stake in this. when i was born (i'm a twin), my parents lived far away from any relatives. coupled with my father working 100+ hour weeks during his residency and two premature twin boys, my mom almost lost it. i cannot quite empathize with the condition, as i am not a female, but i certainly appreciate (not in a good way) the gravity of the affliction. hope those days are over and the pond is serene for mamaturtle and the little turtles :)
I did my senior research project on PPD, and I left the project absolutely astounded at how such a "progressive" society as ours can understand so little about this disorder. I am not a mom yet so my words of wisdom are less than wise. But what I do know is that PPD's best weapon is getting moms to believe that they are absolutely alone in the world. Know that this is not true. Thanks for posting this; I hope your featured spot on Xanga sheds further light on this crippling condition.
i've never had ppd (i've never been pregnant), but i have struggled
with depression and anxiety. one thing i'd suggest (which has worked a
little for me, and which has been proven to work at least a little) is
some moderate, regular exercise. it's supposed to have good effects on
depression. good luck!
I had it with my first and it about drove husband and myself crazy.We had talked and decided that I wouldn't take any meds but it was really hard and it lasted for about 3 months and just like you I didn't feel back to normal until he was about a year old. With my second child (which is only 4 months old) I talked to my doctor while I was prego and told him we didn't like the thought of antidepressants and if there was something else to concider. He told me about hormono patches. I had them before I left the hospital and within a week after my son was born I felt back to normal. I highly recomend it. It is better than having to ween yourself off some other meds and I took them while I was nursing and it does no harm to the baby! Just a thought!
I have had underlying depression my entire life, without knowing it. The birth of my first propelled me into PPD and when I realized after a few weeks of the 'blues' and that it wasn't going away, I went to my doctor and got brushed off. I shrugged and went on with my life, and am very lucky it wasn't crippling. I 'got over it'. I had a great pregnancy and birth with my son and felt great. I then began to have noticeable swings (highs and lows). After an ugly episode with my mother I took a nosedive and had an emotional breakdown and ended up off work for 5 weeks sick leave. Again, my doctor brushed me off (signed the sick leave paper but didn't prescribe anything or provide much support). After talking to a lot of very supportive ladies online, I began my blog on Xanga here, and after personal research, I have diagnosed myself with bi-polar.
PPD just brought my underlying depression to the surface. I hope you can rest easy in the fact that you are completely, and totally aware of yourself through the process. I hope you can take comfort in knowing that you are in no way alone through this. I hope you can have the sun break through the clouds earlier this time. I hope you reach out when you need to, and as obscure as the anonymosity of this type of thing (Xanga) is, realize that it's a great tool, and it got me through. Hang in there, fellow mama.
I have a strong familly history of mental illness. I had bad PPD with my first son. It was the lowest and probably most difficult time in my life and I hope i NEVER have to go back there again. I did not take the antidepressant that my ob/gyn prescribed for me. That was a big mistake. I somehow made it through with the help of my family and my very supportive husband. My husband and I started marriage counseling last year and it was great. The counselor suggested that I see a mental health professional because of my history and my feelings "of ALWAYS being in a bad mood" even though there was no "real" reason to be. I went to a psych and he put me on a low dose of an (SSRI) antidepressant and it has worked WONDERS for me. I want to have another baby (my son is almost 2 1/2 now) and I am TERRIFIED of going through the PPD again. I had a discussion with my doc and he said that if I do become pregnant, he would switch me to Zoloft because it has been widely tested for the effects on a fetus and that he wouldn't recommend me taking it in my third trimester unless absolutley necessary. And if I do start to feel down again for any reason, I totally plan on going back to see the family therapist that helped me and my husband so much. I really do feel for you and although I only have 1 child, I can TOTALLY empathize with what you are feeling. I wish you the absolute best!
I'm not a mom, but I have spent my whole life with close family members who suffer from severe depression. (A parent and a spouse.) I hear how helpless you feel. You really are at the head of the class for identifying and trying to deal with the problem, but it seems like nothing's helping you enough. From our personal experiences, I can suggest two things to try in addition to or instead of those meds. Obviously, I'm not a doctor, but I have seen first hand that simple things can make a world of difference.
First, take a B vitamin supplement every day. This helps your brain balance and use the chemicals that are washing around controlling your moods. If you have a B vitamin deficiency, you might feel a change the first day.
Second, remove all processed foods from your diet- eat nothing that has "fake" ingredients. This is probably hard as a mom of 4, but your body produces most of it's serotonin in your intestines. Processed foods don't give your body enough of the building blocks you need to keep your levels up.
Call me a crazy hippie, but these natural things really work!
I hope you'll have a better experience this time, and thanks for bringing this important subject out into the open!
Wow - what a contrast between the joys of becoming a mother and the lows of battling PPD.