Thursday, 03 July 2008
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Blog Archive: Depression
[This entry was originally posted on February 18, 2008.]
Most of my friends know that I suffer from depression. A few know that my diagnosis is "Major Depressive Disorder, Recurrent." Even fewer know that I have suicidal ideations. Yes, that is right... I have seriously considered killing myself. Even my mom doesn't know. In fact, the only person in my family that knows is my husband. Well, now the cat is out of the bag and you know too. It isn't something that I am proud of but at the same time, I can't really be ashamed of it either. I can't help what thoughts or emotions creep into my mind. I can try to shove them to the side, but that is so much easier said than done when in the throws of depression.Many people, including my mother, seem to think that depressed people could choose to not be depressed if they really wanted to. My mother (who takes Paxil rather than actually go through the grieving process after losing her husband) insists to all that will listen that I am not happy unless I am miserable. Others try to be more sympathetic but they seem to think that the right vitamins, diet, and exercise will fix a chronically depressed person right up. Some believe that prayer and a Christian lifestyle will ease depression... if one is a good enough Christian and truly believes. Still others (a certain couch jumping quack) believe that joining a cult and paying out the rear for personality tests and what not is all us depressed people need.
It is true that many people who have depression feel that it is a permanent and even productive part of their life. They feel that their depression gives them a creative edge. These people tend to spurn psychological and/or psychiatric treatments. These people are convinced that medication will turn them into zombies or they have had some negative experiences trying to seek treatment such as wrong medications, dosages, or just outright bad doctors. Others have sought and received great help with their depression through these same methods.
So, how does depression and suicidal ideations affect me? It is all encompassing for me. The way I view myself as well as those around and the world at large. It affects my relationships. I have trouble making and keeping friends. The only relationship that hasn't suffered has been the one I share with my son. I have always been able to pull myself together enough to care for him. I harbor no delusions that this will always be the case. In fact, I initially sought out therapy and medication in order to help insure that I won't neglect him or abandon him. I love my son and I have no desire to ever make him suffer because I suffer from this horrible disorder.
I left treatment almost three years ago due to lack of coverage in my insurance plan. I was going to return last year, but certain events led me to hold off. A few nights ago I talked to my husband and informed him that despite our plans to try to expand our family, I can't hold off treatment much longer. We have agreed that if our family is not on its way to expansion by my next birthday (this fall), that we will put the idea to rest and I will return to therapy and medication. We will then explore other options in parenthood.
Some people refuse treatment for their depression out of a fear that it will change the very foundation of who they are. They believe that it will stifle them somehow or turn them into a zombie. They feel that their depression and all that goes with it is simply their way of being and that changing it would ruin their life somehow. NOT ME! I have visited both sides of the fence for years on end. Once in the right program and taking the right medication in the right doses... I am who I feel I was truly meant to be. I am free from the confines of my depression. I thirst for life and all that it entails. And no, I suffer no zombie like effects. I get sad when appropriate, I get angry when appropriate, and I even have the occassional temper tantrum... only I am able to feel those things in perspective.
So the other day the thought occurred to me. If I can feel this way about my depression and embrace treatment even though it means an end to some of my seemingly enhanced abilities during times of mild mania, is it possible that my son could go against the grain of the vocal minority of autists and want something different for himself as well? I am not saying that he does, necessarily. I am just asking myself... is it possible? After all, some deaf people do want to hear despite the attitudes of their deaf peers who embrace their own deafness. And some schizophrenics, manic depressives, and people with other depressive disorders also prefer to try to lead a more mainstreamed life despite the fact that many feel their conditions or states of being is intrinsically entwined with the very essence of who they are.
I have decided that in the end, not all depressives can speak for me. No group of any people can speak for every other person in their group. So is it possible that my son would want to make his own life decisions as an adult, deciding where to live, what kind of job to have, where to vaction, shop for clothes, or when to go to bed? If he is anything like me (and many people say that he is), then yes. It is possible. Is it the case? I don't know for sure. So I will continue to work with him to fufill his potential until he can tell me exactly what he does and does not want and then I will do everything I can to give him exactly what he asks for.
Girl's Writings Opening New Window on Autism
Apparently it is entirely possible that my son would want something different.
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Comments (7)
Besides therapy, have you gone to a day program, like Fountain House?-- where I worked for 18 years--you can look it up online if you're interested. It is a clubhouse and they're all over the world. I take Paxil, an antidepressant, and it's really helped. I have thought of suicide but not so much now. I think I'm too chicken. Paxil made me more me. I still paint and am quite productive. Depression is a chemical issue, pure and simple. And there are many new meds out there for depression. Do you have thyroid issues, by any chance? Have you looked into Bipolar Disorder groups? Or Unipolar Disorder groups?
wow, you are an amazing mom and an amazing person. i hope your plan to grow your family or to get back on treatment goes well!
@janetyacht@xanga - "Depression is a chemical issue, pure and simple."
This is the 'attitude' if you will that bothers me the most when people approach the issue of depression. (nothing personal) It isn't always that simple. I have manic depression. There are many factors in my life that have affected it one way or another. I have always refused to take meds because the doctors I went to wanted to stick me on meds (which would fix the chemical imbalance) and not at all address the other issues. Unfortunately, it isn't always simple and differs for every person.
My father and brother also have manic depression. My father and I live 'normal' lives and are able to deal with ours. My brother is on disability through ss because of his...and is also the only one on meds. This does not mean that I or my father are any better or stronger than my brother, each body just reacts to it differently.
I used to say "I am a manic depressive" now I say "I have manic depression". My depression does not define me, but is just a small part of who I am.
@sidewayslife@xanga - Amen! It's so easy to say that it's chemical. I have recovered from depression (although I know that there is always that chance of sliding back down in the "hole") without any medication. And I don't mean I was feeling a little blue - I do mean full-on depression which basically lasted 9 years in total. So "it's just chemical" doesn't mean anything to me - depression is anything BUT "pure and simple".
For what it's worth, I used to struggle with fear and depression something awful, especially when I was pregnant but after learning how to do spiritual warfare I gained a great victory over it and thought I was totally free, only to be besieged by a depression a couple years later that I thought I'd never get out of. I still don't know what brought it on as I wasn't pregnant but finally after making myself read the Bible' certain passages over and over one night I got hold of Phillipians 4 where it says in everything give thanks and I made myself say things out loud that I had to be thankful for and thanking God for them I gradually climbed up out of that horrible pit. I had no one to go to for help. I think if I could have talked to someone about my feelings it would have helped. Since then I've been blessed with the opportunity to help others out of depression . I would be willing to help anyone that needs it , just give me a call at 361-772-2365. Feeling for you. Rebecca
you have to be strong, and go to church or do some volunteer work,keep yourself busy, good luck to you!