Sunday, 25 May 2008
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One Thing No Parent Wants to Hear...
by Mama Turtle...is their child coming home from school to tell them that again, they're being bullied, and no amount of reassurance and advice is helping their child in the least.
It's a few different knives in my heart: One recalling just how painful it really is based on personal experience, the other feeling guilty at not being able to protect my child from the kids in the world that for whatever reason, are mean. Still another one is feeling directly the hurt and anger that my kid feels too.
I'd asked him many times if he told the children to stop, if he ignored them, if he told his teacher? He'd say yes but nothing worked. This week, as it took everything I had to coax him to get dressed for school, I realized it was glaringly obvious this was not going to stop, and wondered if the teacher had any real idea of what was going on. Finally I said, "I'm going to write a note to your teacher."
So I sat my sleepy mama brain down and wrote a quick letter off the cuff - to paraphrase: "Dear Miss.... I'm writing to bring to your attention the problem my child has been having with several classmates...teasing, and invasion of space and property (schoolwork and materials)...this has gotten so severe I have to coax my child to go to school each day... All of my children have had a rough transition to a new school and I would like for my child to be able to enjoy the rest of the school year without the added stress of bullying. Thank you for your time and please feel free to call me at...."
Something like that. I told him to be sure to give this to his teacher, but I think he will because he seemed overjoyed that mommy had (finally) done something solid on his behalf. I guess I was expecting too much out of such a little guy to feel ok enough to really go to his teacher about it. I myself never really did take much of the advice I was given, including going to a teacher, and I know ignoring it never worked either. It's not just "in sight" of teachers in the classroom - it's also on the walks or bus rides back and forth to school, the cafeteria, the playground, the hallways... It wasn't until I was in eighth grade that I once broke down to a parent (why I didn't go to my highly protective father sooner I don't know) about the blatant sexual harassment I was enduring in Economics. One irate phone call to the principal later (and a meeting where I was pretty much forced face to face to tell the ass to stop what he was doing) and it ended.
Not that I want to get on the phone and start yelling and screaming, and I do best when I write something down anyways. I am expecting the teacher to call me when she first gets a chance to to be honest (I don't know why I don't have her number like I have the other two teachers' numbers but I can call the main office if I need to for it). If I don't hear from her and hear any more about this from my kid I will be calling the office next, though I do hope this is the beginning of the end right now.
What would you do if your child was being bullied in school?
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Comments (12)
I'm so sorry to hear your son is being bullied.Like a lot of people,I was bullied when I was at school too but didnt tell anyone.I think the fact hes told you is definitely a good sign and I think youre doing the right thing.I guess just keep telling him that its not his fault and its the bullies who have the problems and something to be ashamed of and definitely not him.x
Awww! poor little man. How old is he? I'm sorry about that. My little brother is having a problem with it too. If I were you I would go kick their asses...lol I'd be like "tell your parents their next" ha ha I hope they ease up on him.
Aw. I don't have any kids. But...this sort of resonates as my younger brother was going through this. He's 16 now, so I guess he's not so young but he came home from school one day with two black eyes. Apparently a couple of kids had been picking on him and he finally told them to stop...and yeah. The kids apparently live right down the street from us, so the other day when I was out for my nightly walk I was going down the street and saw a bunch of high school kids playing basket ball. I had this urge to scream at them and kick them all where the sun doesn't shine. But I didn't...because I really didn't know if they were the people who did it, and I know it would only make things worse for my brother. He says he hasn't been picked on since then though.
well... just don't do what my mom did... laugh and make fun of of the kidd.
A kidd called me buttered teeth... and my mom threw me a loaf of bread and said well get to scrappin... dinner is in ten mins.
It wasn't funny... it wasn't even witty in any sense! It's the most obvious 'joke' to what happened to me.
I don't know exactly what I would do if my kidd go bullied... but I'm leaning to 'the hand that rocks the cradle' solution and snatching the lil bully up and telling him a thing or two.
Id definitely step in like you did and do what i could to stop it. When I was younger it was the same way for me, ad it made school an unpleasant place. I spent a lot of time in the nurses office with a "headache" just to keep away from the kids. I had one gal slap me several times across the face in front of the WHOLE class in the 6th or 7th grade and nobody did anything. Teacher in the room and all. He had his back to us. I asked him for a pass and went to the restroom and cried.
I really hope my children do not suffer how I did with bullies growing up. Because all growing up it made me fearful, shy and have low self esteem
This is an all-too-common problem. It's like this sort of behavior is treated by ignoring it, like that will make it go away. Although sometimes ignoring it is the best way for the victim to deal, it's not the way to go for those in positions of authority. There are just so many reasons that kids bully, and there's not a cure-all treatment. It's unfortunate that teachers and parents of the "victims" have to deal with the issues that the bullier's parents left hanging. As a teacher, I am at a loss for this problem. Right now I'm just subbing before my daughter is old enough to go to preschool, but in past situations I've had to basically just say, "This is not acceptable behavior and you are not allowed to act this way. Either this stops or you will be severely punished." I don't give very many warnings. Although I would consider myself a "nice teacher" (and I get callled a "cool teacher" a lot), there are some things I won't tolerate because I was a victim of that myself. It doesn't matter who you are, unless you're the bully, you're probably going to be the bullied.
Teachers can't be the only disciplinarians in children's lives. Some parents either ignore their children or refuse to believe they can do wrong, and unfortunately, the burden falls on other innocent children. As a mother myself, I can't imagine the pain you must go through seeing someone taunt your child for no reason. Some kids are lacking in self-esteem and attention at home, so they take advantage of the child who appears secure, as if to "suck the life" from them. Administration, teachers and parents together have to quickly and effectively act to cut this subject out. More parents need to communicate, just as you did, as well.
I am putting my boys in a private school with strict rules about bullies. And while I have taught my children to use their words to resolve fights, I also let them know that it is ok to talk to an adult once they exhausted their words. My son understands that there is a difference between that and tattling. All I can hope is that if and when it does happen that they follow through on what I've told them.
I wish I could remember where I just read something on this. The author changed out the socially acceptable word of "schoolyard bully" and replaced it with what law enforcement calls is - intimidation, assault, stalking, etc. What adults wouldn't accept for a minute, we allow children to suffer. Most "bullies" are raised by a parent or parents who are bullies - or even an older sibling. What you find is that a child who is deeply affected by this now has to "hide" behind who he or she really is to try to avoid this harassment. Instead of being excited to learn, he just hopes to get through the school day unharmed. It's horrible, terrifying and destroys a child's security and confidence, little by little.
My answer to this? Homeschooling, or perhaps a small, strict private school (though there is no way that every child can be watched every minute. Kids will find a way to harass if they want to). I know this may seem like a drastic measure - but what are our children worth? You wouldn't allow someone to come into your home and emotionally stress your kid - why send them outside your home to allow people to do that?
Good luck on your decision, whatever it is. Remember how precious your child is!
@babypeanut408 - Thanks! He's only 7, and he and these kids are only in first grade! I'm shocked that kids so young start this behavior off so early in life nowadays.
yea like those little kids (I forget what grade) plotting to kill their teacher...sick stuff.
I am sorry to hear this but, it seems rampant in our schools today and what a tragic state of things. My youngest is going through this as well. He smiles and makes a joke about it but, in his eyes, I can see just how it hurts. As a Mom, I feel totally helpless in this situation. It seems if I say something to his teacher one of two things happens; nothing or things get worse! I would love to see what other Mom's have done in this situation.
Do you believe that speaking with the school helps at all?
first response, agree with babypeanut408. then, i thought, what kind of parents does these bullies have?! what if they are being abused at home?
sigh, either way, this is a tough situation. i hope it has been resolved!!